How to parent in hyper competitive type A area?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve opted out of basically all of it. The kids do 0-1 casual sports per year, they’re in charge of all school stuff themselves - school is between them and their teacher.

After school the kids putter around, watch tv, play in the neighborhood with other kids. We’re fairly strict about “small screens”. Tv is ok, maybe an hour a day, but they don’t use iPads or phones.

I have a theory that I’m willing to test out on my kids: in the long run, what’s going to count for their happiness and ability to thrive is their attention span, ability to take charge of themselves, to be bored and then figure stuff out and to sort out their own relationships with friends and family.

I feel that they need a lot of free time to learn those things, so we mostly don’t schedule them. The kids are still in ES so I’m sure things will ramp up later, but for now, opting out makes for a pleasant life for all of us.

We follow the same style of parenting! Mine are in middle school now and I can say it’s still working for us. It’s all what they grown up doing and know. We were also willing to test this out on our kids and it’s really no different than how we were raised so I guess we’ll see how they turn out!

If your kids do this in middle school, just puttering around, they won’t make the high school team for any competitive sports.

There have been many threads on travel sports culture. Some people are fine with just doing rec sports. The whole travel baseball, soccer, basketball, swim, tennis and everything else is definitely a culture.

You will often find that the smart, good looking, rich and athletic kids have parents who are the same. They don’t just wake up puttering around and make the varsity tennis team.

I guess…that seems fine? They’re athletic, it’s just from playing ball, biking and scooting, running around making up games with neighbor kids after school. It is a lot more important to me that they have fun being active for life. I would worry if any of them were couch potatoes.

I hope they’ll do some sports in MS and HS but I don’t really care how good they are. They already have a good sense that trying hard at something makes you get better at it. It’s up to them to decide when to put in the effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You make more than 95% of the people here, and probably more than 90% of the people on DCUM.

So shut up. You're part of the problem.

Op - isn’t the hope that our kids do better than we do?

I know dh and I have done significantly better than our own parents.

PP you replied to. I am worth 15M in my 40s. I do not go about wringing my hands like you, even though one of my kids has special needs, and we are establishing a trust fund for them. You are tone deaf, and this is why I am admonishing you.

Come on, OP. You're better than this. Children are not guaranteed the successes of their parents. Generational wealth goes a long way to mitigate risks for the next generation. Instead of competing stupidly in things that don't matter... think how you're going to transmit wealth and teach your kids how to manage it. They will need be taught how not to be greedy, how to be patient instead of impulsive, how to play the long game, how to hedge their bets. They will need to build on whatever cognitive skills have been handed down to them, and apply themselves with decent work ethic to respectable careers, no matter what fortunes you transmit, even at an early age.

Ask yourself the right questions, instead of faux-complaining about a competition your kids may or may not need to be part of.

This is one of the smartest things I’ve seen written on dcum in a long time.

Agreed. And upon reflection, this is what my parents did with me and it worked. I think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life is long. Everyone trying to program their kid to gain some college or job admission system that is 5, 10, 15 years off… so much can happen in between.

Anyway we’re due for a pendulum swing. Watch for the articles in the coming years talking about how many struggles those elite competitive kids are having.

Cute but you’re wayyyy off.

[Anonymous]

What is the obsession with playing sports? So pointless.

But yes doing well in school will likely matter unless you’re so smart it doesn’t matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I went to top colleges and ivy grad schools. We now have a seven figure HHI and live in McLean. Many kids at our kids’ school have parents who attended ivy schools and/or were strong athletes. I have two kids in AAP and one kid currently in first grade. I expect youngest to also get into AAP. My kids are surrounded by high achieving kids and parents and my kids just know this as normal everyday life.

Neither DH nor I attended top colleges. Our grad degrees checked boxes for our employers and that's it. We do not have a 7 figure HHI. All 3 of my kids are in AAP. So do I get bragging rights too?

I am answering OP about living in a competitive UMC area. Dh and I are high achievers. My kids are high achievers. They have friends who are high achievers and have high achieving parents. You seem to care more about your lack of top college than I do. Maybe our kids play soccer or tennis together. I really wouldn’t care where you went to college.

How is this an answer to the OP? You’re literally the example of the hyper- competitive parents w/ hyper-competitive children OP is asking how to parent their own children around.

I actually just answered. I said I don’t put much pressure on my kids and encourage them to try their best. It isn’t like I tell them to seek out high achieving friends. They seem to naturally have friends who are smart and excel at a lot of things like themselves.

You didn’t answer the question. You just came here to brag..what’s missing in your life that you need to breathlessly brag on an anonymous forum? Not enough validation from the people around you?

The post was about raising kids in a highly competitive environment. My kids perform well in this environment. It just seems like normal everyday life. Many kids in this area come from a similar background and grow up together. They have parents who did well in school and/or their careers. The kids also do well in school. I don’t think this is bragging. Everyone is in a similar boat.

No. Not everyone is in a similar boat. If you want to stereotype it’s doubtful that too many of the parents with the government and big law jobs are athletic. There is a disproportionate number of posters who claim their child is an elite athlete. I’d assume these kids learned a sport through organized clubs and the parents see their kid playing capably and think they’re elite. Like you said they are living their every day life and have no idea how many naturally gifted athletes are out there.

Also just because a parent went to Harvard law school and is successful it does not mean their child will not have difficulty academically or socially. Successful confident adults accept their kids doing the best that they can and reaching their top abilities whether it’s community college or Harvard.

I grew up in a wealthy community and my children are too and there are all kinds of kids at these schools. Not everyone in a community is a clone of their neighbors rowing the same boat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I went to top colleges and ivy grad schools. We now have a seven figure HHI and live in McLean. Many kids at our kids’ school have parents who attended ivy schools and/or were strong athletes. I have two kids in AAP and one kid currently in first grade. I expect youngest to also get into AAP. My kids are surrounded by high achieving kids and parents and my kids just know this as normal everyday life.

What an odd response.

I wouldn’t say this out loud and of course acknowledging our privilege, but yes I’m just like PP but we live in Chevy Chase so whatever AAP equivalent.

Yeah, me too. Whatever is the equivalent of AAP is and whatever Chevy Chase has that’s what my kids are in. Pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I went to top colleges and ivy grad schools. We now have a seven figure HHI and live in McLean. Many kids at our kids’ school have parents who attended ivy schools and/or were strong athletes. I have two kids in AAP and one kid currently in first grade. I expect youngest to also get into AAP. My kids are surrounded by high achieving kids and parents and my kids just know this as normal everyday life.

Neither DH nor I attended top colleges. Our grad degrees checked boxes for our employers and that's it. We do not have a 7 figure HHI. All 3 of my kids are in AAP. So do I get bragging rights too?

I am answering OP about living in a competitive UMC area. Dh and I are high achievers. My kids are high achievers. They have friends who are high achievers and have high achieving parents. You seem to care more about your lack of top college than I do. Maybe our kids play soccer or tennis together. I really wouldn’t care where you went to college.

How is this an answer to the OP? You’re literally the example of the hyper- competitive parents w/ hyper-competitive children OP is asking how to parent their own children around.

I actually just answered. I said I don’t put much pressure on my kids and encourage them to try their best. It isn’t like I tell them to seek out high achieving friends. They seem to naturally have friends who are smart and excel at a lot of things like themselves.

You didn’t answer the question. You just came here to brag..what’s missing in your life that you need to breathlessly brag on an anonymous forum? Not enough validation from the people around you?

The post was about raising kids in a highly competitive environment. My kids perform well in this environment. It just seems like normal everyday life. Many kids in this area come from a similar background and grow up together. They have parents who did well in school and/or their careers. The kids also do well in school. I don’t think this is bragging. Everyone is in a similar boat.

No. Not everyone is in a similar boat. If you want to stereotype it’s doubtful that too many of the parents with the government and big law jobs are athletic. There is a disproportionate number of posters who claim their child is an elite athlete. I’d assume these kids learned a sport through organized clubs and the parents see their kid playing capably and think they’re elite. Like you said they are living their every day life and have no idea how many naturally gifted athletes are out there.

Also just because a parent went to Harvard law school and is successful it does not mean their child will not have difficulty academically or socially. Successful confident adults accept their kids doing the best that they can and reaching their top abilities whether it’s community college or Harvard.

I grew up in a wealthy community and my children are too and there are all kinds of kids at these schools. Not everyone in a community is a clone of their neighbors rowing the same boat.

Everyone in our neighborhood and school are different. Most kids do something well, not necessarily. I am not an athletic person and went to HYP. Funny how pp is telling me about non athletic smart people. Thankfully my kids take after DH and not me. DH is much more athletic than I am. Being unathletic is nothing to be proud of.

[Anonymous]

I am among those who don't get the sports obsession.

I do get playing sports and encouraging kids to play sports. And if a kid shows promise in a sport, or even just really likes it, supporting them in pursuing it. All normal. Sports are great.

But some of you talk about it like becoming an "elite athlete" is the only path to success. Most of my friends are very successful professionally-- lots of Ivy and equivalent grads, lawyers, consultants, etc. Many played sports in adolescence, almost none did so in college. I can think of a handful who did play in college, and only one *might* have been considered elite. That's it.

What they have in common is not athletic prowess but academic success. Great grades, genuine interest in learning and succeeding academically. Good test takers, voracious readers, interested in and engaged with the world. Sports/athletics are pretty beside the point. Some are athletic now, some aren't.

So if your goal is raising kids who are successful in life, I don't understand this fixation on sports. Again, I think it always makes sense to support and encourage a kid in an interest where they show promise, but that could be soccer or music or math or debate club. If your kid isn't that into sports or just isn't good enough to play at a high level, I don't think it really matters in terms of success.

Now, if your kid struggles with reading or math, is disinterested in school, etc? That's an issue. At least if your goal for them is professional success.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am among those who don't get the sports obsession.

I do get playing sports and encouraging kids to play sports. And if a kid shows promise in a sport, or even just really likes it, supporting them in pursuing it. All normal. Sports are great.

But some of you talk about it like becoming an "elite athlete" is the only path to success. Most of my friends are very successful professionally-- lots of Ivy and equivalent grads, lawyers, consultants, etc. Many played sports in adolescence, almost none did so in college. I can think of a handful who did play in college, and only one *might* have been considered elite. That's it.

What they have in common is not athletic prowess but academic success. Great grades, genuine interest in learning and succeeding academically. Good test takers, voracious readers, interested in and engaged with the world. Sports/athletics are pretty beside the point. Some are athletic now, some aren't.

So if your goal is raising kids who are successful in life, I don't understand this fixation on sports. Again, I think it always makes sense to support and encourage a kid in an interest where they show promise, but that could be soccer or music or math or debate club. If your kid isn't that into sports or just isn't good enough to play at a high level, I don't think it really matters in terms of success.

Now, if your kid struggles with reading or math, is disinterested in school, etc? That's an issue. At least if your goal for them is professional success.

How old are your kids?

I have a son in middle and high school. Much of their social life revolves around sports. I do not think the parents drive the sports obsession. In our school, the sporty kids are often the more popular kids. Your kid doesn’t have to be popular or want to be popular but if your kid plays soccer or basketball or baseball, he will want to be good. No one is talking about elite athletes, at least no one in my circles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am among those who don't get the sports obsession.

I do get playing sports and encouraging kids to play sports. And if a kid shows promise in a sport, or even just really likes it, supporting them in pursuing it. All normal. Sports are great.

But some of you talk about it like becoming an "elite athlete" is the only path to success. Most of my friends are very successful professionally-- lots of Ivy and equivalent grads, lawyers, consultants, etc. Many played sports in adolescence, almost none did so in college. I can think of a handful who did play in college, and only one *might* have been considered elite. That's it.

What they have in common is not athletic prowess but academic success. Great grades, genuine interest in learning and succeeding academically. Good test takers, voracious readers, interested in and engaged with the world. Sports/athletics are pretty beside the point. Some are athletic now, some aren't.

So if your goal is raising kids who are successful in life, I don't understand this fixation on sports. Again, I think it always makes sense to support and encourage a kid in an interest where they show promise, but that could be soccer or music or math or debate club. If your kid isn't that into sports or just isn't good enough to play at a high level, I don't think it really matters in terms of success.

Now, if your kid struggles with reading or math, is disinterested in school, etc? That's an issue. At least if your goal for them is professional success.

My friends with unathletic boys struggle socially. The unathletic not social boys don’t necessarily seem to be smarter, just not athletic and struggling socially. Boys tend to run around and hang out together.

[Anonymous]

I just reread the OP. There is a big difference between sports in elementary and being a recruited athlete in high school. 20% of kids are in AAP so it isn’t that hard to get into AAP. If your kid is good at soccer, s/he will want to get better and be on a more competitive team with better players.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am among those who don't get the sports obsession.

I do get playing sports and encouraging kids to play sports. And if a kid shows promise in a sport, or even just really likes it, supporting them in pursuing it. All normal. Sports are great.

But some of you talk about it like becoming an "elite athlete" is the only path to success. Most of my friends are very successful professionally-- lots of Ivy and equivalent grads, lawyers, consultants, etc. Many played sports in adolescence, almost none did so in college. I can think of a handful who did play in college, and only one *might* have been considered elite. That's it.

What they have in common is not athletic prowess but academic success. Great grades, genuine interest in learning and succeeding academically. Good test takers, voracious readers, interested in and engaged with the world. Sports/athletics are pretty beside the point. Some are athletic now, some aren't.

So if your goal is raising kids who are successful in life, I don't understand this fixation on sports. Again, I think it always makes sense to support and encourage a kid in an interest where they show promise, but that could be soccer or music or math or debate club. If your kid isn't that into sports or just isn't good enough to play at a high level, I don't think it really matters in terms of success.

Now, if your kid struggles with reading or math, is disinterested in school, etc? That's an issue. At least if your goal for them is professional success.

How old are your kids?

I have a son in middle and high school. Much of their social life revolves around sports. I do not think the parents drive the sports obsession. In our school, the sporty kids are often the more popular kids. Your kid doesn’t have to be popular or want to be popular but if your kid plays soccer or basketball or baseball, he will want to be good. No one is talking about elite athletes, at least no one in my circles.

PP here. Who cares if the sporty kids are more popular in HS? The question was not how to ensure your kids are popular in HS.

Not all or even most professionally successful people played sports in high school. Some did, some didn't. So fixating on sports over other things doesn't make sense. If your kid is into sports, definitely support/encourage them in that. But if they aren't, it's fine. Support/encourage them in whatever they are into. But ultimately, it's much more important for kids to do well academically than to pursue any particular extra curricular. Thus the focus on sports in this thread is weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am among those who don't get the sports obsession.

I do get playing sports and encouraging kids to play sports. And if a kid shows promise in a sport, or even just really likes it, supporting them in pursuing it. All normal. Sports are great.

But some of you talk about it like becoming an "elite athlete" is the only path to success. Most of my friends are very successful professionally-- lots of Ivy and equivalent grads, lawyers, consultants, etc. Many played sports in adolescence, almost none did so in college. I can think of a handful who did play in college, and only one *might* have been considered elite. That's it.

What they have in common is not athletic prowess but academic success. Great grades, genuine interest in learning and succeeding academically. Good test takers, voracious readers, interested in and engaged with the world. Sports/athletics are pretty beside the point. Some are athletic now, some aren't.

So if your goal is raising kids who are successful in life, I don't understand this fixation on sports. Again, I think it always makes sense to support and encourage a kid in an interest where they show promise, but that could be soccer or music or math or debate club. If your kid isn't that into sports or just isn't good enough to play at a high level, I don't think it really matters in terms of success.

Now, if your kid struggles with reading or math, is disinterested in school, etc? That's an issue. At least if your goal for them is professional success.

My friends with unathletic boys struggle socially. The unathletic not social boys don’t necessarily seem to be smarter, just not athletic and struggling socially. Boys tend to run around and hang out together.

This is such a a weird and limited outlook, I don't get it.

I think some of you are obsessed with this image of adolescence of being about being a varsity athlete, getting invited to all the parties, having the largest volume of friends. It feels very antiquated to me. I have a MS kid and HS kid and this is not the world they live in. The social scenes at their schools are not centralized around athletics. It's not 1952.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am among those who don't get the sports obsession.

I do get playing sports and encouraging kids to play sports. And if a kid shows promise in a sport, or even just really likes it, supporting them in pursuing it. All normal. Sports are great.

But some of you talk about it like becoming an "elite athlete" is the only path to success. Most of my friends are very successful professionally-- lots of Ivy and equivalent grads, lawyers, consultants, etc. Many played sports in adolescence, almost none did so in college. I can think of a handful who did play in college, and only one *might* have been considered elite. That's it.

What they have in common is not athletic prowess but academic success. Great grades, genuine interest in learning and succeeding academically. Good test takers, voracious readers, interested in and engaged with the world. Sports/athletics are pretty beside the point. Some are athletic now, some aren't.

So if your goal is raising kids who are successful in life, I don't understand this fixation on sports. Again, I think it always makes sense to support and encourage a kid in an interest where they show promise, but that could be soccer or music or math or debate club. If your kid isn't that into sports or just isn't good enough to play at a high level, I don't think it really matters in terms of success.

Now, if your kid struggles with reading or math, is disinterested in school, etc? That's an issue. At least if your goal for them is professional success.

My friends with unathletic boys struggle socially. The unathletic not social boys don’t necessarily seem to be smarter, just not athletic and struggling socially. Boys tend to run around and hang out together.

This is such a a weird and limited outlook, I don't get it.

I think some of you are obsessed with this image of adolescence of being about being a varsity athlete, getting invited to all the parties, having the largest volume of friends. It feels very antiquated to me. I have a MS kid and HS kid and this is not the world they live in. The social scenes at their schools are not centralized around athletics. It's not 1952.

My kids have a lot of friends. My friends with sons who are struggling are ages 7-11. My kids are not struggling.

I’m an unathletic female and it seems more socially acceptable for a female to not be athletic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am among those who don't get the sports obsession.

I do get playing sports and encouraging kids to play sports. And if a kid shows promise in a sport, or even just really likes it, supporting them in pursuing it. All normal. Sports are great.

But some of you talk about it like becoming an "elite athlete" is the only path to success. Most of my friends are very successful professionally-- lots of Ivy and equivalent grads, lawyers, consultants, etc. Many played sports in adolescence, almost none did so in college. I can think of a handful who did play in college, and only one *might* have been considered elite. That's it.

What they have in common is not athletic prowess but academic success. Great grades, genuine interest in learning and succeeding academically. Good test takers, voracious readers, interested in and engaged with the world. Sports/athletics are pretty beside the point. Some are athletic now, some aren't.

So if your goal is raising kids who are successful in life, I don't understand this fixation on sports. Again, I think it always makes sense to support and encourage a kid in an interest where they show promise, but that could be soccer or music or math or debate club. If your kid isn't that into sports or just isn't good enough to play at a high level, I don't think it really matters in terms of success.

Now, if your kid struggles with reading or math, is disinterested in school, etc? That's an issue. At least if your goal for them is professional success.

How old are your kids?

I have a son in middle and high school. Much of their social life revolves around sports. I do not think the parents drive the sports obsession. In our school, the sporty kids are often the more popular kids. Your kid doesn’t have to be popular or want to be popular but if your kid plays soccer or basketball or baseball, he will want to be good. No one is talking about elite athletes, at least no one in my circles.

They are popular with each other. They aren't popular with the kids who aren't into what they do. Those other kids are popular with each other and don't really notice your kids any more than your kids notice them.