How to parent in hyper competitive type A area?

[Anonymous]

Come to Prince William county! We recently moved from Fairfax and all the parents are totally clueless about academics. I’m actually baffled that I’m the only one pushing my kid to double extended classes. She’s now surround by dummies that don’t care about school. Totally different world. My priority was surrounding my kids with people that look like them— Black not Indian. I got that at the expense of high achieving children. It suck’s either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could move.

Op - moving is not an option. Our jobs are here.

I just want to try and find the balance between pushing my kids to excel and giving them space to enjoy their childhood. It seems like everyone around here does the first option to the detriment of the second.

There isn't a magic middle path where you get to have it all. Between DH and I, we have 4 ivy degrees and 2 oxbridge degrees, did a D1 sport and had a spot on a national team. We did not have enough money until quite recently, so we have been on both sides of the "being pushed to have a better life" and "having a better life" continuum. There are people at our children's school who expect that we will share their values of pushing, excelling, and seeking external validation over everything. That is not our value.

We have sidestepped it by not applying out to more highly ranked schools, helping the kids pursue sports that are out of the norm for our area or are more chill, and taking the foot off the gas with academics. We could buy a bigger house in the fancier part of the neighborhood and keep renovating to match what our kids' classmates' parents are doing, but we're choosing to spend our time and energy on other stuff. If the kids want to chase grades later, they can, but we're not playing the RSM/academic camp/gifted game. And we are very intentional about acknowledging the tradeoffs to ourselves and to our kids.

You have to make the choice. No one is going to make it for you or magically alter the culture of your community to get everyone to agree to be more chill. You have to have the courage to step off the treadmill or be willing to stay on it and play the game.

It does not sound like you have been successfully financially despite all your degrees.

There's a difference between making money and spending it. Just because you don't see the evidence of someone's financial success in the form of a $3M modern farmhouse or hours at RSM doesn't mean it doesn't exist! The key to parenting in a hyper competitive type A area is to be so type A that you don't have to play the game anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could move.

Op - moving is not an option. Our jobs are here.

I just want to try and find the balance between pushing my kids to excel and giving them space to enjoy their childhood. It seems like everyone around here does the first option to the detriment of the second.

There isn't a magic middle path where you get to have it all. Between DH and I, we have 4 ivy degrees and 2 oxbridge degrees, did a D1 sport and had a spot on a national team. We did not have enough money until quite recently, so we have been on both sides of the "being pushed to have a better life" and "having a better life" continuum. There are people at our children's school who expect that we will share their values of pushing, excelling, and seeking external validation over everything. That is not our value.

We have sidestepped it by not applying out to more highly ranked schools, helping the kids pursue sports that are out of the norm for our area or are more chill, and taking the foot off the gas with academics. We could buy a bigger house in the fancier part of the neighborhood and keep renovating to match what our kids' classmates' parents are doing, but we're choosing to spend our time and energy on other stuff. If the kids want to chase grades later, they can, but we're not playing the RSM/academic camp/gifted game. And we are very intentional about acknowledging the tradeoffs to ourselves and to our kids.

You have to make the choice. No one is going to make it for you or magically alter the culture of your community to get everyone to agree to be more chill. You have to have the courage to step off the treadmill or be willing to stay on it and play the game.

It does not sound like you have been successfully financially despite all your degrees.

There's a difference between making money and spending it. Just because you don't see the evidence of someone's financial success in the form of a $3M modern farmhouse or hours at RSM doesn't mean it doesn't exist! The key to parenting in a hyper competitive type A area is to be so type A that you don't have to play the game anymore.

Do you no longer value education or sports? Why would you not want your children to excel like you did?

We are the children of poor immigrants. We worked hard and were academically and professionally successful. I want my children to have everything I did not growing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You could move.

Op - moving is not an option. Our jobs are here.

I just want to try and find the balance between pushing my kids to excel and giving them space to enjoy their childhood. It seems like everyone around here does the first option to the detriment of the second.

There isn't a magic middle path where you get to have it all. Between DH and I, we have 4 ivy degrees and 2 oxbridge degrees, did a D1 sport and had a spot on a national team. We did not have enough money until quite recently, so we have been on both sides of the "being pushed to have a better life" and "having a better life" continuum. There are people at our children's school who expect that we will share their values of pushing, excelling, and seeking external validation over everything. That is not our value.

We have sidestepped it by not applying out to more highly ranked schools, helping the kids pursue sports that are out of the norm for our area or are more chill, and taking the foot off the gas with academics. We could buy a bigger house in the fancier part of the neighborhood and keep renovating to match what our kids' classmates' parents are doing, but we're choosing to spend our time and energy on other stuff. If the kids want to chase grades later, they can, but we're not playing the RSM/academic camp/gifted game. And we are very intentional about acknowledging the tradeoffs to ourselves and to our kids.

You have to make the choice. No one is going to make it for you or magically alter the culture of your community to get everyone to agree to be more chill. You have to have the courage to step off the treadmill or be willing to stay on it and play the game.

It does not sound like you have been successfully financially despite all your degrees.

There's a difference between making money and spending it. Just because you don't see the evidence of someone's financial success in the form of a $3M modern farmhouse or hours at RSM doesn't mean it doesn't exist! The key to parenting in a hyper competitive type A area is to be so type A that you don't have to play the game anymore.

Do you no longer value education or sports? Why would you not want your children to excel like you did?

We are the children of poor immigrants. We worked hard and were academically and professionally successful. I want my children to have everything I did not growing up.

Exactly this! I went to HYPS on a full-ride (because poor), and I plan on pushing my kids. Because I definitely want them to have what I didn't have growing up.

[Anonymous]

If I embarrass you with my money we fly to Paris?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love all the responses from the “high achieving” athletes who were able to do so because they stayed away from the sports played by the athletes who are actually… elite athletes.

Yes, we’re all SO impressed by your D1 rowing career or your spot on the National Fencing Team or that time you competed in the Olympics in synchronized diving.

Give me a break.

This is a bizarre take. You don't think a rower, a fencer, or diver are athletes? Especially ones on national teams? You are out of your mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everybody here seems to be so competitive. Everyone went to HYP, were D1 athletes and make a zillion dollars. Larlo and Larla their darling children are already being recruited by pre-MLS soccer teams at the tender age of 8 and are well on their way to being top notch athletes and top of their class.

How do you parent in this environment? I have 3 elementary aged kids and they are all doing great. They have friends, do pretty well at school, play sports and are fun to be around.

But sometimes being around these hyper competitive parents makes me take a closer look at my kids and wonder if I should push them more.

Should I push DD7 to make the premier team in travel soccer instead of the 2nd tier team? Do I even tell her she didn’t make the premier team and should practice more?

Should I be disappointed that DD9 didn’t get into AAP and will be in gen education?

DH and I both come from smaller more rural areas where we were top of our classes, played all the sports, went to well regarded SLAC colleges and are now making a pretty high salary (HHI $600-700k a year). These all seemed attainable where we lived with less competition. Here in the DMV it seems impossible for our kids to stand out. How do you parent in this sort of environment?

Basically your question is how do you parent in a community that doesn't share your values? The answer is to decide what your values are and follow them when your kids are young, and then explain them to your kids as they become tweens/teens, so that they can understand why you are making choices that the people around them aren't. Your children may rebel and want to follow what everyone else is doing, or be angry that you didn't make the same choices as Larla and Larlo's parents, but that is where your clarity on your values comes in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love all the responses from the “high achieving” athletes who were able to do so because they stayed away from the sports played by the athletes who are actually… elite athletes.

Yes, we’re all SO impressed by your D1 rowing career or your spot on the National Fencing Team or that time you competed in the Olympics in synchronized diving.

Give me a break.

This is a bizarre take. You don't think a rower, a fencer, or diver are athletes? Especially ones on national teams? You are out of your mind.

No.

I don’t think golfers or axe throwers are athletes either, if it makes you feel any better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I embarrass you with my money we fly to Paris?

DP. I have money, you embarrass me with your attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love all the responses from the “high achieving” athletes who were able to do so because they stayed away from the sports played by the athletes who are actually… elite athletes.

Yes, we’re all SO impressed by your D1 rowing career or your spot on the National Fencing Team or that time you competed in the Olympics in synchronized diving.

Give me a break.

This is a bizarre take. You don't think a rower, a fencer, or diver are athletes? Especially ones on national teams? You are out of your mind.

No.

I don’t think golfers or axe throwers are athletes either, if it makes you feel any better.

+1 haha

[Anonymous]

We’ve opted out of basically all of it. The kids do 0-1 casual sports per year, they’re in charge of all school stuff themselves - school is between them and their teacher.

After school the kids putter around, watch tv, play in the neighborhood with other kids. We’re fairly strict about “small screens”. Tv is ok, maybe an hour a day, but they don’t use iPads or phones.

I have a theory that I’m willing to test out on my kids: in the long run, what’s going to count for their happiness and ability to thrive is their attention span, ability to take charge of themselves, to be bored and then figure stuff out and to sort out their own relationships with friends and family.

I feel that they need a lot of free time to learn those things, so we mostly don’t schedule them. The kids are still in ES so I’m sure things will ramp up later, but for now, opting out makes for a pleasant life for all of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You make more than 95% of the people here, and probably more than 90% of the people on DCUM.

So shut up. You're part of the problem.

Op - isn’t the hope that our kids do better than we do?

I know dh and I have done significantly better than our own parents.

OP, you are not asking what it appears at first you are asking.

You are not asking to get away from the competition. You are asking how to stack the competition so that your kids end up winners even though they also get to have a normal childhood.

I think those pathways exist, but the first step is being honest with yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You make more than 95% of the people here, and probably more than 90% of the people on DCUM.

So shut up. You're part of the problem.

Op - isn’t the hope that our kids do better than we do?

I know dh and I have done significantly better than our own parents.

OP, you are not asking what it appears at first you are asking.

You are not asking to get away from the competition. You are asking how to stack the competition so that your kids end up winners even though they also get to have a normal childhood.

I think those pathways exist, but the first step is being honest with yourself.

Op needs to move out of this area if she wants her kids to excel with little effort and competition. This area has a very well educated and talented population. I’m always surprised at all the former athletes I meet. It isn’t a surprise when their kids are also athletic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve opted out of basically all of it. The kids do 0-1 casual sports per year, they’re in charge of all school stuff themselves - school is between them and their teacher.

After school the kids putter around, watch tv, play in the neighborhood with other kids. We’re fairly strict about “small screens”. Tv is ok, maybe an hour a day, but they don’t use iPads or phones.

I have a theory that I’m willing to test out on my kids: in the long run, what’s going to count for their happiness and ability to thrive is their attention span, ability to take charge of themselves, to be bored and then figure stuff out and to sort out their own relationships with friends and family.

I feel that they need a lot of free time to learn those things, so we mostly don’t schedule them. The kids are still in ES so I’m sure things will ramp up later, but for now, opting out makes for a pleasant life for all of us.

We follow the same style of parenting! Mine are in middle school now and I can say it’s still working for us. It’s all what they grown up doing and know. We were also willing to test this out on our kids and it’s really no different than how we were raised so I guess we’ll see how they turn out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We’ve opted out of basically all of it. The kids do 0-1 casual sports per year, they’re in charge of all school stuff themselves - school is between them and their teacher.

After school the kids putter around, watch tv, play in the neighborhood with other kids. We’re fairly strict about “small screens”. Tv is ok, maybe an hour a day, but they don’t use iPads or phones.

I have a theory that I’m willing to test out on my kids: in the long run, what’s going to count for their happiness and ability to thrive is their attention span, ability to take charge of themselves, to be bored and then figure stuff out and to sort out their own relationships with friends and family.

I feel that they need a lot of free time to learn those things, so we mostly don’t schedule them. The kids are still in ES so I’m sure things will ramp up later, but for now, opting out makes for a pleasant life for all of us.

We follow the same style of parenting! Mine are in middle school now and I can say it’s still working for us. It’s all what they grown up doing and know. We were also willing to test this out on our kids and it’s really no different than how we were raised so I guess we’ll see how they turn out!

If your kids do this in middle school, just puttering around, they won’t make the high school team for any competitive sports.

There have been many threads on travel sports culture. Some people are fine with just doing rec sports. The whole travel baseball, soccer, basketball, swim, tennis and everything else is definitely a culture.

You will often find that the smart, good looking, rich and athletic kids have parents who are the same. They don’t just wake up puttering around and make the varsity tennis team.