MIL always wants to randomly stop by

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives about two miles away and is always finding little reasons to stop by, things like, can she drop off muffins she made, can she swing by and deliver some soup she made, is it ok if she stops by and says hello to our children. Mind you, we do plan weekly or at least every other week visits, so she sees us. If we say it’s not a good time, or can we try for tomorrow, she gets upset and takes it as a personal affront, complains the muffins won’t be fresh, etc, or claims she won’t come in and will just drop it on the porch, and then lingers when we don’t come out. It’s so awkward. Is there a better way to handle this without hurting feelings?

Back to the OP’s question. There really aren't any magic words to make your MIL not act affronted when you say no. She’s a manipulative person and will have picked up on your desire to be polite and not hurt feelings. The pretense of making muffins , acting affronted when you say no thank you, and hanging around your door are all manipulative techniques to get at a people pleaser.

Her desire to pop in for a quick visit is more important to her than respecting your no thank you. She isn’t hurt when you say no, she’s mad she didn’t get her way. You have to remind yourself that her inappropriate reactions and expectations are hers to deal with and not your problem.

It’s hard but so many boomers seem to devolve into these demanding and manipulative people as they age. You just need to realize that they are no longer normal functioning adults and ignore the games.

It is fine to treat people in your life as this poster suggests, but you have to keep in mind that it is likely in general that people will respond to and treat you in the same way.

Kindness engenders kindness; disdain and contempt for others will likely engender the same in return. People get back what they give in life.

The MIL isn't kind. she's a user. She doesn't have to be, but that's her choice -- and removing herself isn't leverage, because she isn't wanted when she is like that.

She can chose to be a better person and be valued by others for it. You could, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives about two miles away and is always finding little reasons to stop by, things like, can she drop off muffins she made, can she swing by and deliver some soup she made, is it ok if she stops by and says hello to our children. Mind you, we do plan weekly or at least every other week visits, so she sees us. If we say it’s not a good time, or can we try for tomorrow, she gets upset and takes it as a personal affront, complains the muffins won’t be fresh, etc, or claims she won’t come in and will just drop it on the porch, and then lingers when we don’t come out. It’s so awkward. Is there a better way to handle this without hurting feelings?

Back to the OP’s question. There really aren't any magic words to make your MIL not act affronted when you say no. She’s a manipulative person and will have picked up on your desire to be polite and not hurt feelings. The pretense of making muffins , acting affronted when you say no thank you, and hanging around your door are all manipulative techniques to get at a people pleaser.

Her desire to pop in for a quick visit is more important to her than respecting your no thank you. She isn’t hurt when you say no, she’s mad she didn’t get her way. You have to remind yourself that her inappropriate reactions and expectations are hers to deal with and not your problem.

It’s hard but so many boomers seem to devolve into these demanding and manipulative people as they age. You just need to realize that they are no longer normal functioning adults and ignore the games.

It is fine to treat people in your life as this poster suggests, but you have to keep in mind that it is likely in general that people will respond to and treat you in the same way.

Kindness engenders kindness; disdain and contempt for others will likely engender the same in return. People get back what they give in life.

Right, that's what we're saying, MIL. Keep being manipulative, rigid, nosy and self-focused, and you're not going to be welcomed warmly with open arms. Maybe you should try being open to communication, flexible, and capable of thinking about things from others' perspective if you want to be treated like a welcome, mature adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives about two miles away and is always finding little reasons to stop by, things like, can she drop off muffins she made, can she swing by and deliver some soup she made, is it ok if she stops by and says hello to our children. Mind you, we do plan weekly or at least every other week visits, so she sees us. If we say it’s not a good time, or can we try for tomorrow, she gets upset and takes it as a personal affront, complains the muffins won’t be fresh, etc, or claims she won’t come in and will just drop it on the porch, and then lingers when we don’t come out. It’s so awkward. Is there a better way to handle this without hurting feelings?

Back to the OP’s question. There really aren't any magic words to make your MIL not act affronted when you say no. She’s a manipulative person and will have picked up on your desire to be polite and not hurt feelings. The pretense of making muffins , acting affronted when you say no thank you, and hanging around your door are all manipulative techniques to get at a people pleaser.

Her desire to pop in for a quick visit is more important to her than respecting your no thank you. She isn’t hurt when you say no, she’s mad she didn’t get her way. You have to remind yourself that her inappropriate reactions and expectations are hers to deal with and not your problem.

It’s hard but so many boomers seem to devolve into these demanding and manipulative people as they age. You just need to realize that they are no longer normal functioning adults and ignore the games.

It is fine to treat people in your life as this poster suggests, but you have to keep in mind that it is likely in general that people will respond to and treat you in the same way.

Kindness engenders kindness; disdain and contempt for others will likely engender the same in return. People get back what they give in life.

Sadly, it rarely actually plays out this way in real life. That is the way it should be. Takers take. Givers give. That is really the way I’ve seen it play out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives about two miles away and is always finding little reasons to stop by, things like, can she drop off muffins she made, can she swing by and deliver some soup she made, is it ok if she stops by and says hello to our children. Mind you, we do plan weekly or at least every other week visits, so she sees us. If we say it’s not a good time, or can we try for tomorrow, she gets upset and takes it as a personal affront, complains the muffins won’t be fresh, etc, or claims she won’t come in and will just drop it on the porch, and then lingers when we don’t come out. It’s so awkward. Is there a better way to handle this without hurting feelings?

Back to the OP’s question. There really aren't any magic words to make your MIL not act affronted when you say no. She’s a manipulative person and will have picked up on your desire to be polite and not hurt feelings. The pretense of making muffins , acting affronted when you say no thank you, and hanging around your door are all manipulative techniques to get at a people pleaser.

Her desire to pop in for a quick visit is more important to her than respecting your no thank you. She isn’t hurt when you say no, she’s mad she didn’t get her way. You have to remind yourself that her inappropriate reactions and expectations are hers to deal with and not your problem.

It’s hard but so many boomers seem to devolve into these demanding and manipulative people as they age. You just need to realize that they are no longer normal functioning adults and ignore the games.

It is fine to treat people in your life as this poster suggests, but you have to keep in mind that it is likely in general that people will respond to and treat you in the same way.

Kindness engenders kindness; disdain and contempt for others will likely engender the same in return. People get back what they give in life.

Sadly, it rarely actually plays out this way in real life. That is the way it should be. Takers take. Givers give. That is really the way I’ve seen it play out.

True, we can see that from this thread. I’d love to see posts from some of these people 25 or 30 years from now when they’re complaining that their adult kids don’t have time for them. It’s a cliche, but their kids will be treating them the way they treated their parents and in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Let your husband deal with her. Are you a SAHM? If you work, then she shouldn't bother you during work hours. If you're home with the kids, it's a little trickier, but then (a) let your husband handle it and (b) stop caring if she's mad about something like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives about two miles away and is always finding little reasons to stop by, things like, can she drop off muffins she made, can she swing by and deliver some soup she made, is it ok if she stops by and says hello to our children. Mind you, we do plan weekly or at least every other week visits, so she sees us. If we say it’s not a good time, or can we try for tomorrow, she gets upset and takes it as a personal affront, complains the muffins won’t be fresh, etc, or claims she won’t come in and will just drop it on the porch, and then lingers when we don’t come out. It’s so awkward. Is there a better way to handle this without hurting feelings?

Back to the OP’s question. There really aren't any magic words to make your MIL not act affronted when you say no. She’s a manipulative person and will have picked up on your desire to be polite and not hurt feelings. The pretense of making muffins , acting affronted when you say no thank you, and hanging around your door are all manipulative techniques to get at a people pleaser.

Her desire to pop in for a quick visit is more important to her than respecting your no thank you. She isn’t hurt when you say no, she’s mad she didn’t get her way. You have to remind yourself that her inappropriate reactions and expectations are hers to deal with and not your problem.

It’s hard but so many boomers seem to devolve into these demanding and manipulative people as they age. You just need to realize that they are no longer normal functioning adults and ignore the games.

It is fine to treat people in your life as this poster suggests, but you have to keep in mind that it is likely in general that people will respond to and treat you in the same way.

Kindness engenders kindness; disdain and contempt for others will likely engender the same in return. People get back what they give in life.

Sadly, it rarely actually plays out this way in real life. That is the way it should be. Takers take. Givers give. That is really the way I’ve seen it play out.

True, we can see that from this thread. I’d love to see posts from some of these people 25 or 30 years from now when they’re complaining that their adult kids don’t have time for them. It’s a cliche, but their kids will be treating them the way they treated their parents and in-laws.

No, not always. My relationship with my grandparents is not the same as my children's relationship with their grandparents. And my parents' relationship with their parents isn't the same as my relationship with my parents. People are a lot more complicated than perhaps you can imagine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives about two miles away and is always finding little reasons to stop by, things like, can she drop off muffins she made, can she swing by and deliver some soup she made, is it ok if she stops by and says hello to our children. Mind you, we do plan weekly or at least every other week visits, so she sees us. If we say it’s not a good time, or can we try for tomorrow, she gets upset and takes it as a personal affront, complains the muffins won’t be fresh, etc, or claims she won’t come in and will just drop it on the porch, and then lingers when we don’t come out. It’s so awkward. Is there a better way to handle this without hurting feelings?

Back to the OP’s question. There really aren't any magic words to make your MIL not act affronted when you say no. She’s a manipulative person and will have picked up on your desire to be polite and not hurt feelings. The pretense of making muffins , acting affronted when you say no thank you, and hanging around your door are all manipulative techniques to get at a people pleaser.

Her desire to pop in for a quick visit is more important to her than respecting your no thank you. She isn’t hurt when you say no, she’s mad she didn’t get her way. You have to remind yourself that her inappropriate reactions and expectations are hers to deal with and not your problem.

It’s hard but so many boomers seem to devolve into these demanding and manipulative people as they age. You just need to realize that they are no longer normal functioning adults and ignore the games.

It is fine to treat people in your life as this poster suggests, but you have to keep in mind that it is likely in general that people will respond to and treat you in the same way.

Kindness engenders kindness; disdain and contempt for others will likely engender the same in return. People get back what they give in life.

Sadly, it rarely actually plays out this way in real life. That is the way it should be. Takers take. Givers give. That is really the way I’ve seen it play out.

True, we can see that from this thread. I’d love to see posts from some of these people 25 or 30 years from now when they’re complaining that their adult kids don’t have time for them. It’s a cliche, but their kids will be treating them the way they treated their parents and in-laws.

No, not always. My relationship with my grandparents is not the same as my children's relationship with their grandparents. And my parents' relationship with their parents isn't the same as my relationship with my parents. People are a lot more complicated than perhaps you can imagine.

She knows this, it’s just another passive aggressive boomer threat. If you don’t give me everything I want and play into my little manipulative games, then I wish revenge on you. Your kids won’t want to be around you if you’re not my doormat, so lay down now! Boomer is coming over whether you like it or not!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just stop making muffins and soup for you all.

And the next time you might ask me to watch my grandchild on a day when day care is closed, I might not see the text for hours and hours, or I might say, oh that’s not a good day, how about tomorrow?

I’ll just learn not to care about your hurt feelings. If you throw tantrums and complain about me to everyone, that will be YOUR problem.

Because it’s all about setting boundaries, right?

I think that this would be fair, yes indeed. You are allowed to invite and contribute and do what you want when requested. Others are allowed the same. If you want to be petty about it -- to get back by pulling back what YOU want to contribute (or not)-- that may spite you or them more.

Wow, the point of that post went right over a lot of your heads.

No, I understood it was sarcasm. And I also stand by what i wrote

It is not petty or spiteful to expect a family member who is older and possibly lonely (is she a widow, OP?), to be treated with kindness and compassion.

And, yes, if you insist on “teaching” your MIL that her contributions are unwanted and that your time is so constrained that you can’t spend five or ten minutes chatting with her, she will learn to stay away, and maybe get very busy with other activities and people. She will then be too busy to spend me with your family during the small amounts of time you are willing to allocate for her.

And then don’t come on DCUM complaining that the local grandparent can’t be bothered to help out your family, as many young parents have posted on here. You will have taught her a lesson and she will have learned it well.

How do you know it’s 5-10 minutes? Based on some of the responses here, I’d guess posters have family that will overstay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just stop making muffins and soup for you all.

And the next time you might ask me to watch my grandchild on a day when day care is closed, I might not see the text for hours and hours, or I might say, oh that’s not a good day, how about tomorrow?

I’ll just learn not to care about your hurt feelings. If you throw tantrums and complain about me to everyone, that will be YOUR problem.

Because it’s all about setting boundaries, right?

I think that this would be fair, yes indeed. You are allowed to invite and contribute and do what you want when requested. Others are allowed the same. If you want to be petty about it -- to get back by pulling back what YOU want to contribute (or not)-- that may spite you or them more.

Wow, the point of that post went right over a lot of your heads.

No, I understood it was sarcasm. And I also stand by what i wrote

It is not petty or spiteful to expect a family member who is older and possibly lonely (is she a widow, OP?), to be treated with kindness and compassion.

And, yes, if you insist on “teaching” your MIL that her contributions are unwanted and that your time is so constrained that you can’t spend five or ten minutes chatting with her, she will learn to stay away, and maybe get very busy with other activities and people. She will then be too busy to spend me with your family during the small amounts of time you are willing to allocate for her.

And then don’t come on DCUM complaining that the local grandparent can’t be bothered to help out your family, as many young parents have posted on here. You will have taught her a lesson and she will have learned it well.

How do you know it’s 5-10 minutes? Based on some of the responses here, I’d guess posters have family that will overstay.

we don't live near much family--the family that is near is a favorite cousin and we love spending time with them (and them with us, as they also don't have much family nearby, so were happy to have us move to region). But my husband's side of family is huge and many live in a major metropolitan area. The cousins/kids who live in that region (it extends for 3 hour drive---okay it's NYC area) are constantly guilted into driving all over the place to attend cousin Xs event or Auntie Ys gathering. They have to choose between kids activities, kids social events (bday parties) and being guilted into attending another family event. It's constant and annoying for most of them. If they say no, they never hear the end of it from 10+ adults.

Me personally, I wouldn't want to live that way. Family is great, but when do the kids and cousins get to function as their "own family unit". Their kids are pulled early (or simply don't get to attend) friends bday parties, so they can go to yet another "family event" that is a 2 hour drive away with largely the same 100+ family/friends just in another location. When those kids hit MS and beyond they are going to hate that they don't have any time to do things with friends and wont want to spend their weekends being dragged to yet another Party/family event every Sat night. I can see it, it's already happening.
My friends don't guilt me if I say "sorry cannot come on Wed night, got other plans". If they did, they wouldn't remain close friends of mine for very long, as I don't want to be around people like that. Same goes for family, I don't tolerate that just "because it's family".

[Anonymous]

My wife told my MIL last weekend that an unscheduled drop by didn't work that day, suggested this weekend instead. Now we're getting silent treatment - fine by me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives about two miles away and is always finding little reasons to stop by, things like, can she drop off muffins she made, can she swing by and deliver some soup she made, is it ok if she stops by and says hello to our children. Mind you, we do plan weekly or at least every other week visits, so she sees us. If we say it’s not a good time, or can we try for tomorrow, she gets upset and takes it as a personal affront, complains the muffins won’t be fresh, etc, or claims she won’t come in and will just drop it on the porch, and then lingers when we don’t come out. It’s so awkward. Is there a better way to handle this without hurting feelings?

Back to the OP’s question. There really aren't any magic words to make your MIL not act affronted when you say no. She’s a manipulative person and will have picked up on your desire to be polite and not hurt feelings. The pretense of making muffins , acting affronted when you say no thank you, and hanging around your door are all manipulative techniques to get at a people pleaser.

Her desire to pop in for a quick visit is more important to her than respecting your no thank you. She isn’t hurt when you say no, she’s mad she didn’t get her way. You have to remind yourself that her inappropriate reactions and expectations are hers to deal with and not your problem.

It’s hard but so many boomers seem to devolve into these demanding and manipulative people as they age. You just need to realize that they are no longer normal functioning adults and ignore the games.

It is fine to treat people in your life as this poster suggests, but you have to keep in mind that it is likely in general that people will respond to and treat you in the same way.

Kindness engenders kindness; disdain and contempt for others will likely engender the same in return. People get back what they give in life.

Sadly, it rarely actually plays out this way in real life. That is the way it should be. Takers take. Givers give. That is really the way I’ve seen it play out.

True, we can see that from this thread. I’d love to see posts from some of these people 25 or 30 years from now when they’re complaining that their adult kids don’t have time for them. It’s a cliche, but their kids will be treating them the way they treated their parents and in-laws.

NP. We do have time for parents and ILs, but it's not always right-now, and it's not always free-form. We pick up the phone and make a plan. Sometimes a text of "can I drop by" is met with a "Yep, we're here!" Sometimes it's met with a "Yes, but we've only got a few minutes and then we need to head to gymnastics." Sometimes it's met with a "Tonight doesn't work; would you like to join us for dinner on Friday"?

Communication.

So yes, if my kids treat me that way--we love to see you when we can, we've got open communication, we've got a two-way respect for other people's time, energy, preferences and privacy, that would be ideal! Sounds good.

[Anonymous]

Reasonable people adjust

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives about two miles away and is always finding little reasons to stop by, things like, can she drop off muffins she made, can she swing by and deliver some soup she made, is it ok if she stops by and says hello to our children. Mind you, we do plan weekly or at least every other week visits, so she sees us. If we say it’s not a good time, or can we try for tomorrow, she gets upset and takes it as a personal affront, complains the muffins won’t be fresh, etc, or claims she won’t come in and will just drop it on the porch, and then lingers when we don’t come out. It’s so awkward. Is there a better way to handle this without hurting feelings?

Back to the OP’s question. There really aren't any magic words to make your MIL not act affronted when you say no. She’s a manipulative person and will have picked up on your desire to be polite and not hurt feelings. The pretense of making muffins , acting affronted when you say no thank you, and hanging around your door are all manipulative techniques to get at a people pleaser.

Her desire to pop in for a quick visit is more important to her than respecting your no thank you. She isn’t hurt when you say no, she’s mad she didn’t get her way. You have to remind yourself that her inappropriate reactions and expectations are hers to deal with and not your problem.

It’s hard but so many boomers seem to devolve into these demanding and manipulative people as they age. You just need to realize that they are no longer normal functioning adults and ignore the games.

It is fine to treat people in your life as this poster suggests, but you have to keep in mind that it is likely in general that people will respond to and treat you in the same way.

Kindness engenders kindness; disdain and contempt for others will likely engender the same in return. People get back what they give in life.

Sadly, it rarely actually plays out this way in real life. That is the way it should be. Takers take. Givers give. That is really the way I’ve seen it play out.

True, we can see that from this thread. I’d love to see posts from some of these people 25 or 30 years from now when they’re complaining that their adult kids don’t have time for them. It’s a cliche, but their kids will be treating them the way they treated their parents and in-laws.

You missed the point.

[Anonymous]

Every time you give in to these shenanigans, it only enables and reinforces it ten fold. Say no and ignore the subsequent fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just stop making muffins and soup for you all.

And the next time you might ask me to watch my grandchild on a day when day care is closed, I might not see the text for hours and hours, or I might say, oh that’s not a good day, how about tomorrow?

I’ll just learn not to care about your hurt feelings. If you throw tantrums and complain about me to everyone, that will be YOUR problem.
).
Because it’s all about setting boundaries, right?

Do you think this is some type of threat or lesson? No, sweetie, that’s the POINT. The point is we don’t want or need your muffins, which always come with a side of guilt and expectations. Stay away. What makes you think you are needed for aftercare? You’re not. And by the way, if you withhold from us during emergencies, guess what will happen when you fall in the shower? Want to start the tit for tat? You need us a hell of a lot more than we need you. Facts.

We know, you don't need anything or anyone. You don't need your child's grandmother in a pinch for after care because you can pay people who don't love them to take care of that. You can always have muffins delivered. You don't need to meet or know your neighbors because you will never have to borrow a cup of sugar from them or god forbid ask for a favor (that would make you a user). You can hire a dog walker to take care of your dog etc etc etc etc etc etc.

Have fun with your dog walker who hates you, your after care at a sterile facility raising your children, your non-interaction with your Instacart delivery driver and your not so much as a nod hello neighbors. No one needs you either, PP. You are truly nuts to think the picture of yourself you paint is somehow attractive. It's not. It's the epitome of a lonely, pathetic, brittle person who has nothing that matters, like love and human connections, and all the superficial trappings that money can buy. Truly, truly pathetic.

Wow grumpy MIL really taking this thread personally.

I'm not a MIL yet. But I have sons and I hope to God they marry a woman with a beating heart and some human warmth, so I can be a part of their lives. And if they end up marrying people like the frigid posters on this thread, then I'll have to learn to look for love and warmth and human connection elsewhere. Or do you think seniors don't have any other options? Personally I'm looking forward to the freedom of my senior years. I'm going to have a blast.

I have sons too and I know I’ll never act like my mil. Rudeness is rudeness even from family. Just be polite and ask instead of assuming. My mil always called the shots so once we started having to say no to her, she started losing her mind. In her mind even though we were nearly 40, none of our schedules or needs mattered.


Also op’s husband sucks.