MIL always wants to randomly stop by

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are some dysfunctional families on here. I cannot imagine being so formal about scheduling time with either set of our parents. One of the great benefits of living near family is being able to do the spur the moment things and quick visits.

Seriously!!! Plus +100

Agreed! My MIL just stops by and opens the door and its never occurred to me to mind. And rarely is she bringing food. But she also helps with the kids all the time, has never refused babysitting and is always asking how things in my family are going (how's my dad, my new baby niece, etc). She's family and is an awesome grandmother to my kids. I wish I had that when I was a kid but my local grandmother died when I was 6. I hope my kids appreciate it.

That's nice for you. My MIL likes to set up court and talk only about herself. Whether we agree to let her do a last minute "drop by" or a scheduled visit, she's always either early or late by a matter of hours. We don't ask her to babysit anymore because of last mintue cancellations, the lateness and then her keeping score, using the "favor" to guilt us into doing what she wants. If everyone had a MILs like yours there wouldn't be so many DCUM posts.

[Anonymous]

We will see you on Sunday as planned. Feel free to pop the whatever in the freezer to bring then!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives about two miles away and is always finding little reasons to stop by, things like, can she drop off muffins she made, can she swing by and deliver some soup she made, is it ok if she stops by and says hello to our children. Mind you, we do plan weekly or at least every other week visits, so she sees us. If we say it’s not a good time, or can we try for tomorrow, she gets upset and takes it as a personal affront, complains the muffins won’t be fresh, etc, or claims she won’t come in and will just drop it on the porch, and then lingers when we don’t come out. It’s so awkward. Is there a better way to handle this without hurting feelings?

Jesus C this place never ceases to amaze. She wants to randomly stop by with muffins and soup. The nerve. You are a sick puppy, OP. So is the PP who says, "Learn not to care about her hurt feelings." You are both damaged goods.

I'm the PP you castigate so roundly. Because there is such a thing as busy families, and there is such a thing as people who overstay their welcome. It is extremely anxiety-inducing to be forced to make time and be polite to lovely, kind, generous people who also slow things down, make you late, make you distracted and error-prone because they are dividing your attention. Not only is your life made more difficult, but you feel guilty on top of it because the person seems so generous on the surface (also clueless, and in that cluelessness, rather rude, all things considered).

Maybe you're thinking of someone who knows to read the room and understands when to leave. If OP had such a MIL, she wouldn't be posting. She'd be so thankful to have someone help out! I know I would.

Clearly we're talking about a person who overstays their welcome.

You should stop making yourself miserable trying to control everything and everyone. Just unclench.

I am who I am. OP's MIL would drive me crazy. I also work in cancer research, where my perfectionism and ability to hyper focus on the task at hand is beneficial to my work. Our personalities all make us suited for certain activities and not others. Isn't it wonderful that we're all so different?

Dana-Farber doesn't seem to have problems stemming from perfectionism. You should photoshop some assays and get promoted. Work smarter, not harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives about two miles away and is always finding little reasons to stop by, things like, can she drop off muffins she made, can she swing by and deliver some soup she made, is it ok if she stops by and says hello to our children. Mind you, we do plan weekly or at least every other week visits, so she sees us. If we say it’s not a good time, or can we try for tomorrow, she gets upset and takes it as a personal affront, complains the muffins won’t be fresh, etc, or claims she won’t come in and will just drop it on the porch, and then lingers when we don’t come out. It’s so awkward. Is there a better way to handle this without hurting feelings?

Find some elderly neighbors and make introductions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just stop making muffins and soup for you all.

And the next time you might ask me to watch my grandchild on a day when day care is closed, I might not see the text for hours and hours, or I might say, oh that’s not a good day, how about tomorrow?

I’ll just learn not to care about your hurt feelings. If you throw tantrums and complain about me to everyone, that will be YOUR problem.
).
Because it’s all about setting boundaries, right?

Do you think this is some type of threat or lesson? No, sweetie, that’s the POINT. The point is we don’t want or need your muffins, which always come with a side of guilt and expectations. Stay away. What makes you think you are needed for aftercare? You’re not. And by the way, if you withhold from us during emergencies, guess what will happen when you fall in the shower? Want to start the tit for tat? You need us a hell of a lot more than we need you. Facts.

We know, you don't need anything or anyone. You don't need your child's grandmother in a pinch for after care because you can pay people who don't love them to take care of that. You can always have muffins delivered. You don't need to meet or know your neighbors because you will never have to borrow a cup of sugar from them or god forbid ask for a favor (that would make you a user). You can hire a dog walker to take care of your dog etc etc etc etc etc etc.

Have fun with your dog walker who hates you, your after care at a sterile facility raising your children, your non-interaction with your Instacart delivery driver and your not so much as a nod hello neighbors. No one needs you either, PP. You are truly nuts to think the picture of yourself you paint is somehow attractive. It's not. It's the epitome of a lonely, pathetic, brittle person who has nothing that matters, like love and human connections, and all the superficial trappings that money can buy. Truly, truly pathetic.

I can see why your children keep you at arms length.

My god, indeed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just stop making muffins and soup for you all.

And the next time you might ask me to watch my grandchild on a day when day care is closed, I might not see the text for hours and hours, or I might say, oh that’s not a good day, how about tomorrow?

I’ll just learn not to care about your hurt feelings. If you throw tantrums and complain about me to everyone, that will be YOUR problem.

Because it’s all about setting boundaries, right?

I think that this would be fair, yes indeed. You are allowed to invite and contribute and do what you want when requested. Others are allowed the same. If you want to be petty about it -- to get back by pulling back what YOU want to contribute (or not)-- that may spite you or them more.

Wow, the point of that post went right over a lot of your heads.

No, I understood it was sarcasm. And I also stand by what i wrote

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just stop making muffins and soup for you all.

And the next time you might ask me to watch my grandchild on a day when day care is closed, I might not see the text for hours and hours, or I might say, oh that’s not a good day, how about tomorrow?

I’ll just learn not to care about your hurt feelings. If you throw tantrums and complain about me to everyone, that will be YOUR problem.

Because it’s all about setting boundaries, right?

I think that this would be fair, yes indeed. You are allowed to invite and contribute and do what you want when requested. Others are allowed the same. If you want to be petty about it -- to get back by pulling back what YOU want to contribute (or not)-- that may spite you or them more.

Wow, the point of that post went right over a lot of your heads.

No, I understood it was sarcasm. And I also stand by what i wrote

It is not petty or spiteful to expect a family member who is older and possibly lonely (is she a widow, OP?), to be treated with kindness and compassion.

And, yes, if you insist on “teaching” your MIL that her contributions are unwanted and that your time is so constrained that you can’t spend five or ten minutes chatting with her, she will learn to stay away, and maybe get very busy with other activities and people. She will then be too busy to spend me with your family during the small amounts of time you are willing to allocate for her.

And then don’t come on DCUM complaining that the local grandparent can’t be bothered to help out your family, as many young parents have posted on here. You will have taught her a lesson and she will have learned it well.

[Anonymous]

My brother wouldn't answer the door if my Dad went over unannounced. Dad got very frustrated. Angry too -- but, guess what? He got over it!

Adults adjust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives about two miles away and is always finding little reasons to stop by, things like, can she drop off muffins she made, can she swing by and deliver some soup she made, is it ok if she stops by and says hello to our children. Mind you, we do plan weekly or at least every other week visits, so she sees us. If we say it’s not a good time, or can we try for tomorrow, she gets upset and takes it as a personal affront, complains the muffins won’t be fresh, etc, or claims she won’t come in and will just drop it on the porch, and then lingers when we don’t come out. It’s so awkward. Is there a better way to handle this without hurting feelings?

Back to the OP’s question. There really aren't any magic words to make your MIL not act affronted when you say no. She’s a manipulative person and will have picked up on your desire to be polite and not hurt feelings. The pretense of making muffins , acting affronted when you say no thank you, and hanging around your door are all manipulative techniques to get at a people pleaser.

Her desire to pop in for a quick visit is more important to her than respecting your no thank you. She isn’t hurt when you say no, she’s mad she didn’t get her way. You have to remind yourself that her inappropriate reactions and expectations are hers to deal with and not your problem.

It’s hard but so many boomers seem to devolve into these demanding and manipulative people as they age. You just need to realize that they are no longer normal functioning adults and ignore the games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives about two miles away and is always finding little reasons to stop by, things like, can she drop off muffins she made, can she swing by and deliver some soup she made, is it ok if she stops by and says hello to our children. Mind you, we do plan weekly or at least every other week visits, so she sees us. If we say it’s not a good time, or can we try for tomorrow, she gets upset and takes it as a personal affront, complains the muffins won’t be fresh, etc, or claims she won’t come in and will just drop it on the porch, and then lingers when we don’t come out. It’s so awkward. Is there a better way to handle this without hurting feelings?

Back to the OP’s question. There really aren't any magic words to make your MIL not act affronted when you say no. She’s a manipulative person and will have picked up on your desire to be polite and not hurt feelings. The pretense of making muffins , acting affronted when you say no thank you, and hanging around your door are all manipulative techniques to get at a people pleaser.

Her desire to pop in for a quick visit is more important to her than respecting your no thank you. She isn’t hurt when you say no, she’s mad she didn’t get her way. You have to remind yourself that her inappropriate reactions and expectations are hers to deal with and not your problem.

It’s hard but so many boomers seem to devolve into these demanding and manipulative people as they age. You just need to realize that they are no longer normal functioning adults and ignore the games.

It is fine to treat people in your life as this poster suggests, but you have to keep in mind that it is likely in general that people will respond to and treat you in the same way.

Kindness engenders kindness; disdain and contempt for others will likely engender the same in return. People get back what they give in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL lives about two miles away and is always finding little reasons to stop by, things like, can she drop off muffins she made, can she swing by and deliver some soup she made, is it ok if she stops by and says hello to our children. Mind you, we do plan weekly or at least every other week visits, so she sees us. If we say it’s not a good time, or can we try for tomorrow, she gets upset and takes it as a personal affront, complains the muffins won’t be fresh, etc, or claims she won’t come in and will just drop it on the porch, and then lingers when we don’t come out. It’s so awkward. Is there a better way to handle this without hurting feelings?

Back to the OP’s question. There really aren't any magic words to make your MIL not act affronted when you say no. She’s a manipulative person and will have picked up on your desire to be polite and not hurt feelings. The pretense of making muffins , acting affronted when you say no thank you, and hanging around your door are all manipulative techniques to get at a people pleaser.

Her desire to pop in for a quick visit is more important to her than respecting your no thank you. She isn’t hurt when you say no, she’s mad she didn’t get her way. You have to remind yourself that her inappropriate reactions and expectations are hers to deal with and not your problem.

It’s hard but so many boomers seem to devolve into these demanding and manipulative people as they age. You just need to realize that they are no longer normal functioning adults and ignore the games.

It is fine to treat people in your life as this poster suggests, but you have to keep in mind that it is likely in general that people will respond to and treat you in the same way.

Kindness engenders kindness; disdain and contempt for others will likely engender the same in return. People get back what they give in life.

So, by this logic the MILs who are being kicked off the porch probably did something to deserve it. Glad we can agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yet, I've read several articles lately about Millennials being upset that Boomers are absentee grandparents. If you want the babysitting you gotta take the muffins, too.

Actually, no. With both my parents and my husband’s parents, we communicate. We get on the same page. When we have to say a certain date or time or request doesn’t work for us, they respect that. And vice versa. They get that it’s not always muffin time, and we get that it’s not always babysitting time. We enjoy seeing each other, but we communicate and make plans that work for everyone.

Sorry about your black-and-white, all-or-nothing world, though. Sounds tough. Glad I don’t live there!

I’m with you.

[Anonymous]

I love how the triggered boomer refuses to recognize that these muffin gifts are not out of kindness. The MIL is not being kind. She’s using “gifts” as a manipulative tool. The typical boomer response is whatever game or manipulative crap I am pulling should be met with kindness. No! Kindness and warmth is not being a doormat for a manipulator!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just stop making muffins and soup for you all.

And the next time you might ask me to watch my grandchild on a day when day care is closed, I might not see the text for hours and hours, or I might say, oh that’s not a good day, how about tomorrow?

I’ll just learn not to care about your hurt feelings. If you throw tantrums and complain about me to everyone, that will be YOUR problem.

Because it’s all about setting boundaries, right?

I think that this would be fair, yes indeed. You are allowed to invite and contribute and do what you want when requested. Others are allowed the same. If you want to be petty about it -- to get back by pulling back what YOU want to contribute (or not)-- that may spite you or them more.

Wow, the point of that post went right over a lot of your heads.

No, I understood it was sarcasm. And I also stand by what i wrote

It is not petty or spiteful to expect a family member who is older and possibly lonely (is she a widow, OP?), to be treated with kindness and compassion.

And, yes, if you insist on “teaching” your MIL that her contributions are unwanted and that your time is so constrained that you can’t spend five or ten minutes chatting with her, she will learn to stay away, and maybe get very busy with other activities and people. She will then be too busy to spend me with your family during the small amounts of time you are willing to allocate for her.

And then don’t come on DCUM complaining that the local grandparent can’t be bothered to help out your family, as many young parents have posted on here. You will have taught her a lesson and she will have learned it well.

I wonder if the people who are responding 5-10 minutes have MILs who respect those time boundaries (and it's not 2 hours and we are eating together and they are spending the night and the kids are up late etc)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just stop making muffins and soup for you all.

And the next time you might ask me to watch my grandchild on a day when day care is closed, I might not see the text for hours and hours, or I might say, oh that’s not a good day, how about tomorrow?

I’ll just learn not to care about your hurt feelings. If you throw tantrums and complain about me to everyone, that will be YOUR problem.

Because it’s all about setting boundaries, right?

I think that this would be fair, yes indeed. You are allowed to invite and contribute and do what you want when requested. Others are allowed the same. If you want to be petty about it -- to get back by pulling back what YOU want to contribute (or not)-- that may spite you or them more.

Wow, the point of that post went right over a lot of your heads.

No, I understood it was sarcasm. And I also stand by what i wrote

It is not petty or spiteful to expect a family member who is older and possibly lonely (is she a widow, OP?), to be treated with kindness and compassion.

And, yes, if you insist on “teaching” your MIL that her contributions are unwanted and that your time is so constrained that you can’t spend five or ten minutes chatting with her, she will learn to stay away, and maybe get very busy with other activities and people. She will then be too busy to spend me with your family during the small amounts of time you are willing to allocate for her.

And then don’t come on DCUM complaining that the local grandparent can’t be bothered to help out your family, as many young parents have posted on here. You will have taught her a lesson and she will have learned it well.

If only OP would be so lucky. If the "help" comes with these kinds of strings, that's "help" she would pay to have stay away from her house.

Everyone wants love and friendship. Nobody wants a parasite, and to say "well, maybe you won't be sucked on by a parasite anymore!" is not the gotcha you think.