Dad’s new “companion” after mom’s death

[Anonymous]

Think about what you would do if your sig other passed. I hope you'd continue living. Your dad is happy. Be happy for him. I wish my fil would meet someone. Would take the burden off us.

[Anonymous]

I see all of these comments on here and I must be awful because I completely understand how you feel!!!!
My Dad passed away almost 2 years ago. My parents were married for 40 years. It wasn’t 6 months after he passed when I found out that my Mom was talking to someone. What made it worse was that it was our old boss.
My Mom and I worked at the same place together for years. I had my 2nd child and finally quit, and our boss retired and moved away. I had always thought he liked my Mom and my Dad must have gotten a weird vibe from him also bc he didn’t care for him at all. So, to find out my Mom was dating not only my boss, but also the one man that would have broken my Dad really upset me.
She started traveling with him and leaving her kids (yes, I’m 40 but she’s still my Mom) and Grandkids behind. My family has always been the closest!!! Now it feels like she’s a totally different person. I know in some ways she is, but she has turned into someone who I feel doesn’t care about us at all. She’s gone for months at a time. Comes home for a short period and stays home even longer. She now talks about her life like she has no one and he’s a “companion” for her. That’s very hurtful bc we are all here needing and wanting our Mother. My children ask about her and are so disappointed that she’s not here.
I don’t want to accept this man into my life either. If my Dad knew what was going on, he would be shattered and that makes me feel shattered for him. He was an amazing man. Loved my Mother like a princess. I know he’s not here, but I still feel like my loyalty lies with him. Family was always his priority and he always put his us and my Mom first. I feel like I’m living in a nightmare. It breaks my heart to see what has become of our family now. I feel like I don’t even know my Mom anymore and I don’t understand why she feels her family isn’t important.
I’m so sorry for your loss and sorry you are having to navigate these feelings and it seems like no one understands.
I don’t want to see my Mom sad and alone either. Just don’t understand why out of all the men she could have chosen, she had to choose the one that would hurt my Dad the most.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you to the PPs who provided some perspective on this without insulting me. I love my dad and of course want him to be happy. I also recognize I am still grieving which is probably clouding my judgment and emotions.

My parents were married for 35+ years when my mom died. He was an amazing caregiver to her through four years of one of the worst diseases imaginable. Six years later he married someone he had known since elementary school - they reconnected planning a milestone high school reunion. He just died after they were married for 15 years and while stepparents etc. made things for all of us more complicated I’m so glad he had that second chance at happiness.

[Anonymous]

My 71-year-old dad just told us that he has been seeing a 36-year-old woman and they have two kids (1y.o. and 2 y.o). My mom passed away 9 years ago. He plans to leave her some property that he bought together with my mom. My mom was a doctor and always worked full-time while raising four kids. This woman is younger than my dad’s two older kids. I’d be happy for my dad if she was someone closer to his age, but this one is hard to swallow. I’d count your blessings, OP, and just be happy for your dad. At least he makes sensible choices lol

[Anonymous]

This is one of those situations where you parent yourself and remind yourself all feelings are valid, all behaviors are not. Despite the snark on here I’m sure every poster can understand it is hard to hear about a new woman - it’s a reminder your mom is gone, that time moves forward, that your dad is a human separate from “dad/husband” and lots of other knee jerk feelings bc it pokes at your pain

However while you’re human and have emotion driven vs logic driven feelings (that’s the nature of feelings) things like refusing to meet the woman which punishes your dad unfairly and will damage your relationship and is a bid at controlling your dad and even things like putting “companion” in snark quotes like she’s not a real person and companion isn’t a real and important role are behaviors you need to stomp out, just like you’d expect your own child to stop impulse behaviors. Get therapy to do that if needed

[Anonymous]

Six years is a long time and more than appropriate to start looking for companionship. My father mentioned at the 11 month mark exactly (which is the end of formal mourning in the Jewish tradition) that he was thinking about dating. Of course it hurts. But siblings and I encouraged him. Mom is gone either way and he is not good being alone. They got married straight out of college and he lived at home during college so he has never been alone like this. That said I don’t really think he is going to find someone quickly since he is still making daily trips to Mom’s grave and otherwise still grieving. I think he just wanted “permission” and to talk about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom passed away 6 years ago after a long battle with cancer. She was in her mid 60s. It’s still extremely heartbreaking to my family (me, my dad and my brother) and I miss her more than anything.

A few months ago, on a phone call with my dad (who is in his 70s now), he very casually mentioned that he felt like he was ready for some “companionship.” It took me completely by surprise as I couldn’t imagine my dad ever wanting to be with anyone after 40+ years of marriage with my mom. I voiced my surprise and confusion on the call and he didn’t bring it up again. A few months passed and he, again very casually, mentioned a childhood friend that he reconnected with. I also recently found out via another family member that they travel together and spend quite a bit of time together. Most recently, he brought her to a family function, which I must admit, was upsetting to hear.

I’m not sure how to process these emotions. Part of me feels like my dad is forgetting or replacing the 40 years he shared with my mom and her memory feels more and more distant. At the same time, I’m glad my dad isn’t completely alone because we don’t live near each other and I worry about him. Truth be told, I never want to meet this friend of his and I don’t want her to be a part of my life. I know she could never replace my mom. I guess I’m wondering if anyone else has navigated feeling this way or if I’m completely off base.

Didn't read past this post but my gut reaction is it hasn't been 6 months, it's been 6 years. Your father is in his twilight years and he wants a companion. For crying outloud, let him have that in his later years. You don't have to be BFF's with her but not wanting to even meet her is really juvenile and selfish. I think you should attend grief counseling because you truly sound like you still need support around coming to terms with your mothers passing. I am really sorry for all of your losses but expecting your dad to die alone while you live with companionship (I assume) is pretty wild thinking for an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grow up op. Your mom is passed. Let him live his life.

That’s all easy to say…then the new wife inherits 100% of his estate after <10 if not <5 years of marriage. I’ve seen it happen over and over. I don’t care how nice they seem, they all want the money and house(s).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly we were all happy after a few years that dad wanted companionship. Women keep men alive and healthier.

BUT: have a conversation about estates because my dad wanted wife #2 to become our mother 2.0/give her the family home etc (even though were in our 30s/40s) so we had to point out that mum's plans for the estate wasn't for it to go to some random woman. Luckily he seemed to understand that finally.

You are right that bringing up estate issues with a parent is an important topic to bring up. However, you must also understand that your parent still has agency (unless declared incompetent) and they still have the right to make their own choices.

Here's where you are wrong. You call your father's wife "some random woman" which is very disrespectful to her and your father. Would you like it if your spouse's family called you "some random" person? What about your mother - would it have been right if she had been referred to as "some random woman" when she married your father?

Most laws, religions and decent people show basic respect for a person's spouse. Whether it's their first or not. Why don't you do the same in this case. I do think you are very wrong in your attitude which comes across loud and clear in your post. You obviously don't like your father's wife and it comes across as "stepmother/SM" bigotry.

It was your father's mistake to think you should treat SM like a mother. SM may not have even known about his 2.0 request or disagreed and he did it anyway.

It is easy to set up a will/trust to leave assets so there is no mistake about who gets what. But as for the "family" home, that may be a different case. If your father and his wife are living in this house then they may be there for decades, depending on life expectancy. Do you really expect that if they live there for decades and your father passes, you would expect SM to pack up and get out of the home she's known for decades, because it's your "family" home?

Yet you seem to think it's perfectly fine for her to spend decades of her life caring for your father, keeping him "healthier and happy," being his companion & nurse, yet when she's an old widow it's perfectly fine to toss her out on her a$$ because, well you know, she's nothing but a stepmother.

Coming in at the twilight years of a lonely old man’s life to steal his and his late wife’s net worth compiled over decades from their kids and grandkids does make you a random. Not blood and never will be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly we were all happy after a few years that dad wanted companionship. Women keep men alive and healthier.

BUT: have a conversation about estates because my dad wanted wife #2 to become our mother 2.0/give her the family home etc (even though were in our 30s/40s) so we had to point out that mum's plans for the estate wasn't for it to go to some random woman. Luckily he seemed to understand that finally.

You are right that bringing up estate issues with a parent is an important topic to bring up. However, you must also understand that your parent still has agency (unless declared incompetent) and they still have the right to make their own choices.

Here's where you are wrong. You call your father's wife "some random woman" which is very disrespectful to her and your father. Would you like it if your spouse's family called you "some random" person? What about your mother - would it have been right if she had been referred to as "some random woman" when she married your father?

Most laws, religions and decent people show basic respect for a person's spouse. Whether it's their first or not. Why don't you do the same in this case. I do think you are very wrong in your attitude which comes across loud and clear in your post. You obviously don't like your father's wife and it comes across as "stepmother/SM" bigotry.

It was your father's mistake to think you should treat SM like a mother. SM may not have even known about his 2.0 request or disagreed and he did it anyway.

It is easy to set up a will/trust to leave assets so there is no mistake about who gets what. But as for the "family" home, that may be a different case. If your father and his wife are living in this house then they may be there for decades, depending on life expectancy. Do you really expect that if they live there for decades and your father passes, you would expect SM to pack up and get out of the home she's known for decades, because it's your "family" home?

Yet you seem to think it's perfectly fine for her to spend decades of her life caring for your father, keeping him "healthier and happy," being his companion & nurse, yet when she's an old widow it's perfectly fine to toss her out on her a$$ because, well you know, she's nothing but a stepmother.

Coming in at the twilight years of a lonely old man’s life to steal his and his late wife’s net worth compiled over decades from their kids and grandkids does make you a random. Not blood and never will be.

So your "rightful inheritance" is what you're worried about?
That's a pretty jaded view of what you are "owed"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grow up op. Your mom is passed. Let him live his life.

That’s all easy to say…then the new wife inherits 100% of his estate after <10 if not <5 years of marriage. I’ve seen it happen over and over. I don’t care how nice they seem, they all want the money and house(s).

You are the one who sounds horrible here. What a greedy B. You would rather have cash than let your father be happy. Honestly, you should be fully ashamed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grow up op. Your mom is passed. Let him live his life.

This.
And maybe read a few books on death and grieving of a spouse so you’ll be educated.
This is not about your dad replacing or forgetting the wonderful years with your mom.
It’s about your dad needing to not feel like he died WITH her. He is very much alive and has human emotional and physical needs that surpass your need for him to express his love for your mom by committing to being sad, lonely, and celibate.
(Btw, I’d give this advice to someone whose mom passed 6 months ago too—but yours passed 6 YEARS ago!!!)
If your dad was happy in his marriage—this is all the more reason he craves this type of romantic companionship. He isn’t trying to “replace” your mom. He’s trying to fill a real void in his life that has been opened up as a result of her passing.
Celebrate with him! Find room and LOVE in your heart to welcome her and enjoy that she brings your dad some joy!
She is not your mom and she isn’t trying to be. Please don’t treat her like the enemy or treat your dad like he is doing something wrong or as though he is betraying your mom—or you! He doesn’t need that guilt. He lots the love of his life and just needs to feel some kind of special joy in being alive again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 71-year-old dad just told us that he has been seeing a 36-year-old woman and they have two kids (1y.o. and 2 y.o). My mom passed away 9 years ago. He plans to leave her some property that he bought together with my mom. My mom was a doctor and always worked full-time while raising four kids. This woman is younger than my dad’s two older kids. I’d be happy for my dad if she was someone closer to his age, but this one is hard to swallow. I’d count your blessings, OP, and just be happy for your dad. At least he makes sensible choices lol

Sounds like y’all have just been neglecting your dad.
Because my sense is that if he were surrounded by his adult children on a more regular basis, it would have felt inappropriate to him to date someone younger than his kids. He likes feeling needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is one of those situations where you parent yourself and remind yourself all feelings are valid, all behaviors are not. Despite the snark on here I’m sure every poster can understand it is hard to hear about a new woman - it’s a reminder your mom is gone, that time moves forward, that your dad is a human separate from “dad/husband” and lots of other knee jerk feelings bc it pokes at your pain

However while you’re human and have emotion driven vs logic driven feelings (that’s the nature of feelings) things like refusing to meet the woman which punishes your dad unfairly and will damage your relationship and is a bid at controlling your dad and even things like putting “companion” in snark quotes like she’s not a real person and companion isn’t a real and important role are behaviors you need to stomp out, just like you’d expect your own child to stop impulse behaviors. Get therapy to do that if needed

Not all feelings are valid, pp. We need to stop with that fiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woah op. You’re way out of line and are being extremely selfish. It’s been 6 years. Everyone deserves companionship. He will never replace your mom. He is just dating someone in this stage of his life. I can’t believe you thought he doesn’t deserve someone because he already had a wife.

I think you need to explore your grief if you aren’t able to let him have a girlfriend.

6 years OP! I had to go back and read your post again because I thought surely you must have said that it had been 6 months. You need to get some therapy, put your big girl pants on and let your dad enjoy what is left of his life. How selfish could you possibly be?