Dad’s new “companion” after mom’s death

[Anonymous]

Honestly we were all happy after a few years that dad wanted companionship. Women keep men alive and healthier.

BUT: have a conversation about estates because my dad wanted wife #2 to become our mother 2.0/give her the family home etc (even though were in our 30s/40s) so we had to point out that mum's plans for the estate wasn't for it to go to some random woman. Luckily he seemed to understand that finally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly we were all happy after a few years that dad wanted companionship. Women keep men alive and healthier.

BUT: have a conversation about estates because my dad wanted wife #2 to become our mother 2.0/give her the family home etc (even though were in our 30s/40s) so we had to point out that mum's plans for the estate wasn't for it to go to some random woman. Luckily he seemed to understand that finally.

You are right that bringing up estate issues with a parent is an important topic to bring up. However, you must also understand that your parent still has agency (unless declared incompetent) and they still have the right to make their own choices.

Here's where you are wrong. You call your father's wife "some random woman" which is very disrespectful to her and your father. Would you like it if your spouse's family called you "some random" person? What about your mother - would it have been right if she had been referred to as "some random woman" when she married your father?

Most laws, religions and decent people show basic respect for a person's spouse. Whether it's their first or not. Why don't you do the same in this case. I do think you are very wrong in your attitude which comes across loud and clear in your post. You obviously don't like your father's wife and it comes across as "stepmother/SM" bigotry.

It was your father's mistake to think you should treat SM like a mother. SM may not have even known about his 2.0 request or disagreed and he did it anyway.

It is easy to set up a will/trust to leave assets so there is no mistake about who gets what. But as for the "family" home, that may be a different case. If your father and his wife are living in this house then they may be there for decades, depending on life expectancy. Do you really expect that if they live there for decades and your father passes, you would expect SM to pack up and get out of the home she's known for decades, because it's your "family" home?

Yet you seem to think it's perfectly fine for her to spend decades of her life caring for your father, keeping him "healthier and happy," being his companion & nurse, yet when she's an old widow it's perfectly fine to toss her out on her a$$ because, well you know, she's nothing but a stepmother.

[Anonymous]

^ By the way, predict that a barrage of negative opinions about stepmothers will ensue, which is nothing new...

[Anonymous]

OP, you can FEEL however you want. That's fine. You are grieving. It's normal not to want a new woman in your dad's life, on an emotional level.

But on a RATIONAL level, you should not act on these emotions other than to address them in therapy or vent with friends. Your dad absolutely has the right to date and if he wants you to meet her, you should do so and try to be polite and welcoming.

[Anonymous]

All feelings are valid - in that we all have a right to feel however we want to feel. You can always feel upset that your dad is finding new love (which many people feel is a testament to how great someone’s first spouse was)

Not all actions are valid - unless you want to cut off your relationship with you dad, it is not valid for you to expect to be able to exclude his significant other and maintain his relationship with you as is. There are negative consequences for negative behaviors. Whether you’re 2 or 42

[Anonymous]

I'm on the "grow up" train here. Unless OP is a tween, this post is absurd. Dad deserves to be happy, and 6 years is more than enough time to be alone. If I die, I hope my husband finds someone to make him happy, and I would be disappointed in my son if he acted like OP.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, men can’t be alone. My FIL started going to church within weeks of MIL’s death. Not religious and was married for 60+ years. I’m sure he’ll have a GF soon. I’d bet on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly we were all happy after a few years that dad wanted companionship. Women keep men alive and healthier.

BUT: have a conversation about estates because my dad wanted wife #2 to become our mother 2.0/give her the family home etc (even though were in our 30s/40s) so we had to point out that mum's plans for the estate wasn't for it to go to some random woman. Luckily he seemed to understand that finally.

You are right that bringing up estate issues with a parent is an important topic to bring up. However, you must also understand that your parent still has agency (unless declared incompetent) and they still have the right to make their own choices.

Here's where you are wrong. You call your father's wife "some random woman" which is very disrespectful to her and your father. Would you like it if your spouse's family called you "some random" person? What about your mother - would it have been right if she had been referred to as "some random woman" when she married your father?

Most laws, religions and decent people show basic respect for a person's spouse. Whether it's their first or not. Why don't you do the same in this case. I do think you are very wrong in your attitude which comes across loud and clear in your post. You obviously don't like your father's wife and it comes across as "stepmother/SM" bigotry.

It was your father's mistake to think you should treat SM like a mother. SM may not have even known about his 2.0 request or disagreed and he did it anyway.

It is easy to set up a will/trust to leave assets so there is no mistake about who gets what. But as for the "family" home, that may be a different case. If your father and his wife are living in this house then they may be there for decades, depending on life expectancy. Do you really expect that if they live there for decades and your father passes, you would expect SM to pack up and get out of the home she's known for decades, because it's your "family" home?

Yet you seem to think it's perfectly fine for her to spend decades of her life caring for your father, keeping him "healthier and happy," being his companion & nurse, yet when she's an old widow it's perfectly fine to toss her out on her a$$ because, well you know, she's nothing but a stepmother.

TL;DR, but our mother's estate and homes were just that- hers from her family line. They were not owned by my father- therefore there would be no 'giving mum's estate to some random woman not in the family line'. It worked out fine- the second wife passed away after dad basically became her caregiver, so we didn't have to make a whole thing of pointing out the obvious legalities. Yes,he is back to online dating sites again but I think he's realized he's had two good runs and these days just mostly writes flowery emails about love to strangers to fill the time. It's cringey but everyone is deserving of love. We just have to again make sure any new companion doesn't have the wrong motivations as people can be easily manipulated as they age so you have to be watchful.

[Anonymous]

OP wants her father to suffer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly we were all happy after a few years that dad wanted companionship. Women keep men alive and healthier.

BUT: have a conversation about estates because my dad wanted wife #2 to become our mother 2.0/give her the family home etc (even though were in our 30s/40s) so we had to point out that mum's plans for the estate wasn't for it to go to some random woman. Luckily he seemed to understand that finally.

You are right that bringing up estate issues with a parent is an important topic to bring up. However, you must also understand that your parent still has agency (unless declared incompetent) and they still have the right to make their own choices.

Here's where you are wrong. You call your father's wife "some random woman" which is very disrespectful to her and your father. Would you like it if your spouse's family called you "some random" person? What about your mother - would it have been right if she had been referred to as "some random woman" when she married your father?

Most laws, religions and decent people show basic respect for a person's spouse. Whether it's their first or not. Why don't you do the same in this case. I do think you are very wrong in your attitude which comes across loud and clear in your post. You obviously don't like your father's wife and it comes across as "stepmother/SM" bigotry.

It was your father's mistake to think you should treat SM like a mother. SM may not have even known about his 2.0 request or disagreed and he did it anyway.

It is easy to set up a will/trust to leave assets so there is no mistake about who gets what. But as for the "family" home, that may be a different case. If your father and his wife are living in this house then they may be there for decades, depending on life expectancy. Do you really expect that if they live there for decades and your father passes, you would expect SM to pack up and get out of the home she's known for decades, because it's your "family" home?

Yet you seem to think it's perfectly fine for her to spend decades of her life caring for your father, keeping him "healthier and happy," being his companion & nurse, yet when she's an old widow it's perfectly fine to toss her out on her a$$ because, well you know, she's nothing but a stepmother.

TL;DR, but our mother's estate and homes were just that- hers from her family line. They were not owned by my father- therefore there would be no 'giving mum's estate to some random woman not in the family line'. It worked out fine- the second wife passed away after dad basically became her caregiver, so we didn't have to make a whole thing of pointing out the obvious legalities. Yes,he is back to online dating sites again but I think he's realized he's had two good runs and these days just mostly writes flowery emails about love to strangers to fill the time. It's cringey but everyone is deserving of love. We just have to again make sure any new companion doesn't have the wrong motivations as people can be easily manipulated as they age so you have to be watchful.

This is exactly what PP is talking about; too bad you didn't read/comprehend that. So if your situation were different, say your father's wife had taken care of HIM for a long time, she would have "obviously" gotten the boot anyway. Nice.

And the reason your father is reduced to cringy, emails about love is because he knows damn well that if he were to bring another woman into his life, she'd be subjected to what his second wife was - your obvious disdain and disrespect. I feel sorry for his second wife, she died knowing you were breathing a sigh of relief that you didn't have to worry about kicking her out someday. God rest her soul.

[Anonymous]

Oh, please, pp. An elderly woman has no right to expect to be treated the same as a first wife who built a home, family, and children with a husband, and that includes a far lesser financial stake in the event of widowhood. In fact, most older women I know understand this fact quite well, because they too do not want their money from their late husbands to go anywhere else. It truly is mostly gullible old men who think differently.

[Anonymous]

Please try to keep an open mind about your dad’s companion. She could be another dear friend to you. She’s not trying to replace your ‘mom’. It’s tough for you, but try to see it from your dad’s perspective more. He deserves to find love. 💕

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly we were all happy after a few years that dad wanted companionship. Women keep men alive and healthier.

BUT: have a conversation about estates because my dad wanted wife #2 to become our mother 2.0/give her the family home etc (even though were in our 30s/40s) so we had to point out that mum's plans for the estate wasn't for it to go to some random woman. Luckily he seemed to understand that finally.

You are right that bringing up estate issues with a parent is an important topic to bring up. However, you must also understand that your parent still has agency (unless declared incompetent) and they still have the right to make their own choices.

Here's where you are wrong. You call your father's wife "some random woman" which is very disrespectful to her and your father. Would you like it if your spouse's family called you "some random" person? What about your mother - would it have been right if she had been referred to as "some random woman" when she married your father?

Most laws, religions and decent people show basic respect for a person's spouse. Whether it's their first or not. Why don't you do the same in this case. I do think you are very wrong in your attitude which comes across loud and clear in your post. You obviously don't like your father's wife and it comes across as "stepmother/SM" bigotry.

It was your father's mistake to think you should treat SM like a mother. SM may not have even known about his 2.0 request or disagreed and he did it anyway.

It is easy to set up a will/trust to leave assets so there is no mistake about who gets what. But as for the "family" home, that may be a different case. If your father and his wife are living in this house then they may be there for decades, depending on life expectancy. Do you really expect that if they live there for decades and your father passes, you would expect SM to pack up and get out of the home she's known for decades, because it's your "family" home?

Yet you seem to think it's perfectly fine for her to spend decades of her life caring for your father, keeping him "healthier and happy," being his companion & nurse, yet when she's an old widow it's perfectly fine to toss her out on her a$$ because, well you know, she's nothing but a stepmother.

TL;DR, but our mother's estate and homes were just that- hers from her family line. They were not owned by my father- therefore there would be no 'giving mum's estate to some random woman not in the family line'. It worked out fine- the second wife passed away after dad basically became her caregiver, so we didn't have to make a whole thing of pointing out the obvious legalities. Yes,he is back to online dating sites again but I think he's realized he's had two good runs and these days just mostly writes flowery emails about love to strangers to fill the time. It's cringey but everyone is deserving of love. We just have to again make sure any new companion doesn't have the wrong motivations as people can be easily manipulated as they age so you have to be watchful.

This is exactly what PP is talking about; too bad you didn't read/comprehend that. So if your situation were different, say your father's wife had taken care of HIM for a long time, she would have "obviously" gotten the boot anyway. Nice.

And the reason your father is reduced to cringy, emails about love is because he knows damn well that if he were to bring another woman into his life, she'd be subjected to what his second wife was - your obvious disdain and disrespect. I feel sorry for his second wife, she died knowing you were breathing a sigh of relief that you didn't have to worry about kicking her out someday. God rest her soul.

I definitely don't comprehend what you are stating as there are so many incorrect assumptions here. Go back and read my original post. I said nothing nasty. I was answering OP's question based on our experience. I stated a truth that OP should encourage healthy relationships but be mindful of people unthinkingly combining finances or misspeaking about legalities. We didn't have a bad relationship with the second wife. She had no kids and due to her own upbringing, wasn't interested in any of us or our kids. Dad followed suit until she died, minimizing calls to us unless she was out. Sad stuff but we always gave them a wide birth and very courteous respect because we saw she would cut dad off from us if we weren't- (again, personal childhood trauma she told him that our dad shared with us) but we also aren't a 'family fight/drama' sort of family. They didn't live in the family home. They chose to live in the second wife's (again, we were adults- didn't call her a stepmum and that's not what she called herself). She had made her own money in her life and didn't need to leach off him at all.

You said some really cruel things here about a person fictional person dying knowing we'd kick her out- I hope you feel better trying to be mean and clueless with a stranger. Again, she wasn't in the family home (and likely didn't want it- as ours was multi-floor and hers was one floor and she began to have health issues in a few different areas including pulmonary and mobility). Her passing was a shock despite her various declines (she didn't have anything terminal) and dad found her dead like he found our (perfectly healthy- suddenly died of an aneurysm) mum dead. It was incredibly traumatic. No one ever thought he would go through that again like that. No one wished that on anyone. Go spread your cancer elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men always always find a new partner. They are not well conditioned to be alone it seems.

It’s best to not think of this new woman as a mother figure, but as a companion for your lonely father.

The bolded part makes zero sense, because it’s been six years and there is no evidence that his behavior is more indicative of not being well conditioned to being alone than is the behavior of this new woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can FEEL however you want. That's fine. You are grieving. It's normal not to want a new woman in your dad's life, on an emotional level.

But on a RATIONAL level, you should not act on these emotions other than to address them in therapy or vent with friends. Your dad absolutely has the right to date and if he wants you to meet her, you should do so and try to be polite and welcoming.

OP's mother passed away six years ago! It isn't as though her father was womanizing a week after death. OP is being selfish. Her father has every right to find love again