Money, college and exILs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. I think your situation is unfair and most normal people would be upset like you. The posters on here lecturing on here that you’re greedy and shouldn’t be entitled to anything are miserable, sanctimonious losers who want to sh!t all over someone who’s hurting.

No one asked your kids’ grandparents to make these promises over the years so they are wrong for reneging now. It also sounds like you can afford college, but it’s just unfair that not one cent is coming from dad’s side, and it should. I would tell your kids about this because they need to know the truth about their unreliable, deadbeat dad and his equally useless parents.

We are not all sanctimonious losers. the suggestions to embarrass the in laws are trashy.

The rest of us are all living in the real world where we know paying for our kids college is on us. OP seriously didn’t question why she never saw a dime? Until the money is in a bank account that you control, the money isn’t yours and you should plan accordingly. And to boot, OP has the money but doesn’t want to spend it. She just wants to spend other people’s money.

You’re absolutely a sanctimonious loser and your glossing over the grandparents’ failure to uphold their promise is trashy. Also, it’s not like OP is greedily trying to extract money to spend on herself. It’s for her kids’ educations. I can’t believe there’s so many people on here who think a broken promise is no big deal.

OP sounds like a badass single mom raising three kids solo with no help from ex-DH and saving for their education, something many two working parent families aren’t able to do. She asked for help on the situation, never suggesting extortion! OP I’m cheering you on and I’m sorry the ILs flaked.

Well, no extortion, except for this comment is OP showing her hands -
“I certainly didn't force them to make these promises but hey, put your money where your mouth is.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, they can stop seeing their grandparents now if they don’t want to.
And definitely no more driving them there unless it’s in your own interest.
At least you are free from this one obligation!

Aren’t you petty !

It's not about the money. It's about promises made - repeatedly - promises broken, and a refusal to even answer phone calls! That is super sh*tty behavior. I wouldn't blame the kids if they wanted nothing to do with their grandparents after this.

IT'S NOT THE MONEY.

It may not be about the money, but your repeated insistence on proving a point to the grandparents is ticky-tacky.

NP. I think your post is more tacky than anything OP has done.

Why?

Grandparents are embarrassed about not providing for the kids after promising the money would be there. Why does OP need to make them feel worse?

Zoom out for a minute, the grandparents have 5 additional grandkids that (I’m guessing) are local to them and a bum of a son living in their house. The 5 other kids came after the first 3 so the initial promises were made so the circumstances have changed. And maybe other siblings have had kids, the grandparents health has changed, whatever.

What does pointing out to the grandparents (with screenshots) that they stink for not following thru do for anyone?

Well, for one, it's not set in stone that they aren't contributing at all. And while I wouldn't bring screenshots, I absolutely think OP and her son are within their rights to get a firm answer. I don't understand why they should be so protective of the grandparents' feelings, when that clearly isn't reciprocated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe no one is commenting on the fact that OP told her ex is was ok not to pay child support! Wtf op? That’s what you were legally entitled to. You should have gone after that and saved it for college.

The grandparents owe you nothing. Nothing. Move on. Your behavior is embarrassing.

My behavior is EMBARRASSING? Are you for real? Yes, I was legally entitled to child support which would've been great if exDH was able to hold a stable job. I am lucky he didn't go after my salary or 401 or the kids 529 plans. I did nothing embarrassing. I raised my kids. I made sure they had a roof over their heads, they got education, they were fed, clothed and most important, LOVED. The grandparents did not need to run their mouths for years about "don't you worry about college, we will help". Now that's EMBARRASSING.

You described him as a good guy. That really bothers me. He doesn't support his kids in any way and you describe him as a good guy? He sucks. People who have children and don't provide for them emotionally or financially suck.

I'd understand not going after cs if you knew he could hurt your worse financially but I despise people like him.

I'm completely on your side though about being upset at the grandparents. They made a show and didn't mean it. I wouldn't go out of my way for any of these people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just figure out how to pay for it yourself.

Grandparents make all sorts of grandiose proclamations with younger children that they don’t mean. It’s all for show.

If your DC got in ED and you really can’t afford it, you can explain the situation to the school and they should let you out of the agreement. There’s no way to force the grandparents to help.

Can I pay for his college? Yes. Do I think it's fair that I am the only who is doing that and exDH is not contributing a dime, and now his parents are flaking? No, I think it sucks.

Yes, it is fair. Child support stops at age 18. You want him to go to college. You picked that college. Dad has been clear he isn't contributing. So, either pay or they go to a cheaper college, community college or don't go until they can save enough to go.

The student should be paying for his own college. If he wants it, he can pay for it. If mom wants it, mom can pay for it.

You clearly have no idea how financing college works. Available financial aid is based on the parents income whether they are willing to pay or not. And kids cannot work their way through college. In state college with room and board will cost close to $40K/year in many states.

It may have been unwise to rely on these flaky grandparents (that raised a flaky child), but your comment is asinine.

Glad you are not my parent.

Me too!
I know exactly how it works, and how much it costs. There is no reason college kids cannot get jobs and contribute and then work to pay off the difference. OP's kid should have been working and saving for college for years. If not, that's just bad parenting.

Sure, let kids work as long as it doesn't get in the way of studying but if you think that the pittance they make will make any kind of dent in the cost of college you need to wake up and realize what costs are different since 1950.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, they can stop seeing their grandparents now if they don’t want to.
And definitely no more driving them there unless it’s in your own interest.
At least you are free from this one obligation!

Aren’t you petty !

It's not about the money. It's about promises made - repeatedly - promises broken, and a refusal to even answer phone calls! That is super sh*tty behavior. I wouldn't blame the kids if they wanted nothing to do with their grandparents after this.

IT'S NOT THE MONEY.

It may not be about the money, but your repeated insistence on proving a point to the grandparents is ticky-tacky.

NP. I think your post is more tacky than anything OP has done.

Why?

Grandparents are embarrassed about not providing for the kids after promising the money would be there. Why does OP need to make them feel worse?

Zoom out for a minute, the grandparents have 5 additional grandkids that (I’m guessing) are local to them and a bum of a son living in their house. The 5 other kids came after the first 3 so the initial promises were made so the circumstances have changed. And maybe other siblings have had kids, the grandparents health has changed, whatever.

What does pointing out to the grandparents (with screenshots) that they stink for not following thru do for anyone?

You are guessing incorrectly. "Bum" of a son across the country and sees his parents maybe once a year. ExILs are 1-hour drive away from us. He is their only child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just figure out how to pay for it yourself.

Grandparents make all sorts of grandiose proclamations with younger children that they don’t mean. It’s all for show.

If your DC got in ED and you really can’t afford it, you can explain the situation to the school and they should let you out of the agreement. There’s no way to force the grandparents to help.

Can I pay for his college? Yes. Do I think it's fair that I am the only who is doing that and exDH is not contributing a dime, and now his parents are flaking? No, I think it sucks.

Yes, it is fair. Child support stops at age 18. You want him to go to college. You picked that college. Dad has been clear he isn't contributing. So, either pay or they go to a cheaper college, community college or don't go until they can save enough to go.

The student should be paying for his own college. If he wants it, he can pay for it. If mom wants it, mom can pay for it.

You clearly have no idea how financing college works. Available financial aid is based on the parents income whether they are willing to pay or not. And kids cannot work their way through college. In state college with room and board will cost close to $40K/year in many states.

It may have been unwise to rely on these flaky grandparents (that raised a flaky child), but your comment is asinine.

Glad you are not my parent.

Me too!
I know exactly how it works, and how much it costs. There is no reason college kids cannot get jobs and contribute and then work to pay off the difference. OP's kid should have been working and saving for college for years. If not, that's just bad parenting.

Sure, let kids work as long as it doesn't get in the way of studying but if you think that the pittance they make will make any kind of dent in the cost of college you need to wake up and realize what costs are different since 1950.

DS has been working since he was 12. He saved up enough to buy a used car. I guess that makes him a horribly irresponsible young adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, they can stop seeing their grandparents now if they don’t want to.
And definitely no more driving them there unless it’s in your own interest.
At least you are free from this one obligation!

Aren’t you petty !

It's not about the money. It's about promises made - repeatedly - promises broken, and a refusal to even answer phone calls! That is super sh*tty behavior. I wouldn't blame the kids if they wanted nothing to do with their grandparents after this.

IT'S NOT THE MONEY.

It may not be about the money, but your repeated insistence on proving a point to the grandparents is ticky-tacky.

NP. I think your post is more tacky than anything OP has done.

Why?

Grandparents are embarrassed about not providing for the kids after promising the money would be there. Why does OP need to make them feel worse?

Zoom out for a minute, the grandparents have 5 additional grandkids that (I’m guessing) are local to them and a bum of a son living in their house. The 5 other kids came after the first 3 so the initial promises were made so the circumstances have changed. And maybe other siblings have had kids, the grandparents health has changed, whatever.

What does pointing out to the grandparents (with screenshots) that they stink for not following thru do for anyone?

People need to be held accountable for their words and actions. We even teach children this. The grandparents aren’t babies and shouldn’t have made multiple written and verbal promises to pay for their grandkids over the years if they weren’t sure about it. And this isn’t about promising to pay for clothes or a car, it’s college. Their behavior is despicable and so is anyone who defends it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, they can stop seeing their grandparents now if they don’t want to.
And definitely no more driving them there unless it’s in your own interest.
At least you are free from this one obligation!

Aren’t you petty !

It's not about the money. It's about promises made - repeatedly - promises broken, and a refusal to even answer phone calls! That is super sh*tty behavior. I wouldn't blame the kids if they wanted nothing to do with their grandparents after this.

IT'S NOT THE MONEY.

It may not be about the money, but your repeated insistence on proving a point to the grandparents is ticky-tacky.

NP. I think your post is more tacky than anything OP has done.

Why?

Grandparents are embarrassed about not providing for the kids after promising the money would be there. Why does OP need to make them feel worse?

Zoom out for a minute, the grandparents have 5 additional grandkids that (I’m guessing) are local to them and a bum of a son living in their house. The 5 other kids came after the first 3 so the initial promises were made so the circumstances have changed. And maybe other siblings have had kids, the grandparents health has changed, whatever.

What does pointing out to the grandparents (with screenshots) that they stink for not following thru do for anyone?

People need to be held accountable for their words and actions. We even teach children this. The grandparents aren’t babies and shouldn’t have made multiple written and verbal promises to pay for their grandkids over the years if they weren’t sure about it. And this isn’t about promising to pay for clothes or a car, it’s college. Their behavior is despicable and so is anyone who defends it.

Thank you! I teach my children to stand by their word. If you can't do something, at least own up. Don't leave people hanging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just figure out how to pay for it yourself.

Grandparents make all sorts of grandiose proclamations with younger children that they don’t mean. It’s all for show.

If your DC got in ED and you really can’t afford it, you can explain the situation to the school and they should let you out of the agreement. There’s no way to force the grandparents to help.

Can I pay for his college? Yes. Do I think it's fair that I am the only who is doing that and exDH is not contributing a dime, and now his parents are flaking? No, I think it sucks.

It does suck, but their non-answer is your answer: They aren't going to help.

Fill out the FAFSA and hope for the best.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, they can stop seeing their grandparents now if they don’t want to.
And definitely no more driving them there unless it’s in your own interest.
At least you are free from this one obligation!

Aren’t you petty !

It's not about the money. It's about promises made - repeatedly - promises broken, and a refusal to even answer phone calls! That is super sh*tty behavior. I wouldn't blame the kids if they wanted nothing to do with their grandparents after this.

IT'S NOT THE MONEY.

It may not be about the money, but your repeated insistence on proving a point to the grandparents is ticky-tacky.

NP. I think your post is more tacky than anything OP has done.

Why?

Grandparents are embarrassed about not providing for the kids after promising the money would be there. Why does OP need to make them feel worse?

Zoom out for a minute, the grandparents have 5 additional grandkids that (I’m guessing) are local to them and a bum of a son living in their house. The 5 other kids came after the first 3 so the initial promises were made so the circumstances have changed. And maybe other siblings have had kids, the grandparents health has changed, whatever.

What does pointing out to the grandparents (with screenshots) that they stink for not following thru do for anyone?

People need to be held accountable for their words and actions. We even teach children this. The grandparents aren’t babies and shouldn’t have made multiple written and verbal promises to pay for their grandkids over the years if they weren’t sure about it. And this isn’t about promising to pay for clothes or a car, it’s college. Their behavior is despicable and so is anyone who defends it.

What will change if you sit the grandparents down and make them apologize? It will drive a wedge in the relationship. If I’m your kid, I’m learning that money > relationships from that interaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, they can stop seeing their grandparents now if they don’t want to.
And definitely no more driving them there unless it’s in your own interest.
At least you are free from this one obligation!

Aren’t you petty !

It's not about the money. It's about promises made - repeatedly - promises broken, and a refusal to even answer phone calls! That is super sh*tty behavior. I wouldn't blame the kids if they wanted nothing to do with their grandparents after this.

IT'S NOT THE MONEY.

It may not be about the money, but your repeated insistence on proving a point to the grandparents is ticky-tacky.

NP. I think your post is more tacky than anything OP has done.

Why?

Grandparents are embarrassed about not providing for the kids after promising the money would be there. Why does OP need to make them feel worse?

Zoom out for a minute, the grandparents have 5 additional grandkids that (I’m guessing) are local to them and a bum of a son living in their house. The 5 other kids came after the first 3 so the initial promises were made so the circumstances have changed. And maybe other siblings have had kids, the grandparents health has changed, whatever.

What does pointing out to the grandparents (with screenshots) that they stink for not following thru do for anyone?

People need to be held accountable for their words and actions. We even teach children this. The grandparents aren’t babies and shouldn’t have made multiple written and verbal promises to pay for their grandkids over the years if they weren’t sure about it. And this isn’t about promising to pay for clothes or a car, it’s college. Their behavior is despicable and so is anyone who defends it.

What will change if you sit the grandparents down and make them apologize? It will drive a wedge in the relationship. If I’m your kid, I’m learning that money > relationships from that interaction.

The lesson they’re learning now is that their grandparents aren’t trustworthy and won’t follow through with promises. The wedge was placed there by the grandparents. An honest admission that they didn’t realize how expensive it would be and what they’re actually going to do to help (maybe nothing, maybe a one time gift, maybe a monthly care package) would help the kids know where they stand. Dodging the kids like they’re bookies isn’t loving grandparent behavior. That’s another wedge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, they can stop seeing their grandparents now if they don’t want to.
And definitely no more driving them there unless it’s in your own interest.
At least you are free from this one obligation!

Aren’t you petty !

It's not about the money. It's about promises made - repeatedly - promises broken, and a refusal to even answer phone calls! That is super sh*tty behavior. I wouldn't blame the kids if they wanted nothing to do with their grandparents after this.

IT'S NOT THE MONEY.

It may not be about the money, but your repeated insistence on proving a point to the grandparents is ticky-tacky.

NP. I think your post is more tacky than anything OP has done.

Why?

Grandparents are embarrassed about not providing for the kids after promising the money would be there. Why does OP need to make them feel worse?

Zoom out for a minute, the grandparents have 5 additional grandkids that (I’m guessing) are local to them and a bum of a son living in their house. The 5 other kids came after the first 3 so the initial promises were made so the circumstances have changed. And maybe other siblings have had kids, the grandparents health has changed, whatever.

What does pointing out to the grandparents (with screenshots) that they stink for not following thru do for anyone?

People need to be held accountable for their words and actions. We even teach children this. The grandparents aren’t babies and shouldn’t have made multiple written and verbal promises to pay for their grandkids over the years if they weren’t sure about it. And this isn’t about promising to pay for clothes or a car, it’s college. Their behavior is despicable and so is anyone who defends it.

What will change if you sit the grandparents down and make them apologize? It will drive a wedge in the relationship. If I’m your kid, I’m learning that money > relationships from that interaction.

The lesson they’re learning now is that their grandparents aren’t trustworthy and won’t follow through with promises. The wedge was placed there by the grandparents. An honest admission that they didn’t realize how expensive it would be and what they’re actually going to do to help (maybe nothing, maybe a one time gift, maybe a monthly care package) would help the kids know where they stand. Dodging the kids like they’re bookies isn’t loving grandparent behavior. That’s another wedge.

So to confirm, you are looking for some sort of gift, yes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, they can stop seeing their grandparents now if they don’t want to.
And definitely no more driving them there unless it’s in your own interest.
At least you are free from this one obligation!

Aren’t you petty !

It's not about the money. It's about promises made - repeatedly - promises broken, and a refusal to even answer phone calls! That is super sh*tty behavior. I wouldn't blame the kids if they wanted nothing to do with their grandparents after this.

IT'S NOT THE MONEY.

It may not be about the money, but your repeated insistence on proving a point to the grandparents is ticky-tacky.

NP. I think your post is more tacky than anything OP has done.

Why?

Grandparents are embarrassed about not providing for the kids after promising the money would be there. Why does OP need to make them feel worse?

Zoom out for a minute, the grandparents have 5 additional grandkids that (I’m guessing) are local to them and a bum of a son living in their house. The 5 other kids came after the first 3 so the initial promises were made so the circumstances have changed. And maybe other siblings have had kids, the grandparents health has changed, whatever.

What does pointing out to the grandparents (with screenshots) that they stink for not following thru do for anyone?

People need to be held accountable for their words and actions. We even teach children this. The grandparents aren’t babies and shouldn’t have made multiple written and verbal promises to pay for their grandkids over the years if they weren’t sure about it. And this isn’t about promising to pay for clothes or a car, it’s college. Their behavior is despicable and so is anyone who defends it.

What will change if you sit the grandparents down and make them apologize? It will drive a wedge in the relationship. If I’m your kid, I’m learning that money > relationships from that interaction.

No one’s saying the grandparents need to be sat down and forced to apologize. And you are an idiot if this is the lesson you would learn from this, rather than accountability and not being a flake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, they can stop seeing their grandparents now if they don’t want to.
And definitely no more driving them there unless it’s in your own interest.
At least you are free from this one obligation!

Aren’t you petty !

It's not about the money. It's about promises made - repeatedly - promises broken, and a refusal to even answer phone calls! That is super sh*tty behavior. I wouldn't blame the kids if they wanted nothing to do with their grandparents after this.

IT'S NOT THE MONEY.

It may not be about the money, but your repeated insistence on proving a point to the grandparents is ticky-tacky.

NP. I think your post is more tacky than anything OP has done.

Why?

Grandparents are embarrassed about not providing for the kids after promising the money would be there. Why does OP need to make them feel worse?

Zoom out for a minute, the grandparents have 5 additional grandkids that (I’m guessing) are local to them and a bum of a son living in their house. The 5 other kids came after the first 3 so the initial promises were made so the circumstances have changed. And maybe other siblings have had kids, the grandparents health has changed, whatever.

What does pointing out to the grandparents (with screenshots) that they stink for not following thru do for anyone?

People need to be held accountable for their words and actions. We even teach children this. The grandparents aren’t babies and shouldn’t have made multiple written and verbal promises to pay for their grandkids over the years if they weren’t sure about it. And this isn’t about promising to pay for clothes or a car, it’s college. Their behavior is despicable and so is anyone who defends it.

What will change if you sit the grandparents down and make them apologize? It will drive a wedge in the relationship. If I’m your kid, I’m learning that money > relationships from that interaction.

The lesson they’re learning now is that their grandparents aren’t trustworthy and won’t follow through with promises. The wedge was placed there by the grandparents. An honest admission that they didn’t realize how expensive it would be and what they’re actually going to do to help (maybe nothing, maybe a one time gift, maybe a monthly care package) would help the kids know where they stand. Dodging the kids like they’re bookies isn’t loving grandparent behavior. That’s another wedge.

So to confirm, you are looking for some sort of gift, yes?

At this point I am looking for "sorry, grandson, didn't want to disappoint you but can't help you with that tuition after all." Done. Be an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom has said the same thing to the grandkids and once it came time, she gave them nothing. I think you will have to have a direct conversation about it otherwise they are going to keep dodging you and not giving an answer. Polite but direct.

It's impossible to have a conversation with someone who is dodging your calls, texts and emails. Who is dodging their grandson's calls too. At this point I told DS that I got him covered + scholarships. It would be somewhat amusing to watch them try to interact again once this all quiets down. Probably will pretend that nothing happened.

You sound like a psycho stalker. Let it go.