Money, college and exILs

[Anonymous]

I fear this happening with my parents. They have promised a large sum of money (specific amount) for my kid's college. Kid is 6 and we have already started saving for college. If I felt we could count on that amount, we could reduce our current savings to like 8k a year and kid could go anywhere full pay.

However, I worry the promise from my parents is empty and what if it doesn't come through? So it feels like we should keep saving at our current rate (much more than 8k a year).

But of course, if we do that, my parents might say, oh you've got this, and give nothing. But this is the amount they've promised to all grandkids, including my siblings who had 3 and 4 kids, respectively. So it seems deeply unfair that we would sacrifice to pay for our DC's college on our own while my parents pay literally hundreds of thousands for my siblings' kids, while my siblings claim poverty and that it is too hard for them to save up for their kids' college.

I mean, whatever, life is unfair. I always assumed I'd be paying for my kid's college on my own. But it's like by dangling this, my parents have created a conundrum for us in terms of how we approach savings and increased the likelihood that we will either under or over save, plus highlighted for me the unequal treatment I get compared to my siblings because of our different approaches to family and financial planning. This "offer" has really only created problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s another thread on here where others have shared that when grandparents promise to contribute to college, it could be anything like $100. They have no idea what college costs these days.
OP- they are dodging your calls and it’s obvious that they did not intend to make any meaningful contribution. Not sure how you factored them into your plan unless they promised to contribute a specific amount?

This. They have no idea. You’re the parent. Handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I fear this happening with my parents. They have promised a large sum of money (specific amount) for my kid's college. Kid is 6 and we have already started saving for college. If I felt we could count on that amount, we could reduce our current savings to like 8k a year and kid could go anywhere full pay.

However, I worry the promise from my parents is empty and what if it doesn't come through? So it feels like we should keep saving at our current rate (much more than 8k a year).

But of course, if we do that, my parents might say, oh you've got this, and give nothing. But this is the amount they've promised to all grandkids, including my siblings who had 3 and 4 kids, respectively. So it seems deeply unfair that we would sacrifice to pay for our DC's college on our own while my parents pay literally hundreds of thousands for my siblings' kids, while my siblings claim poverty and that it is too hard for them to save up for their kids' college.

I mean, whatever, life is unfair. I always assumed I'd be paying for my kid's college on my own. But it's like by dangling this, my parents have created a conundrum for us in terms of how we approach savings and increased the likelihood that we will either under or over save, plus highlighted for me the unequal treatment I get compared to my siblings because of our different approaches to family and financial planning. This "offer" has really only created problems.

Why would your parents know how much money you have saved for college or in other accounts? Also, all money does not have to be in a 529.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just figure out how to pay for it yourself.

Grandparents make all sorts of grandiose proclamations with younger children that they don’t mean. It’s all for show.

If your DC got in ED and you really can’t afford it, you can explain the situation to the school and they should let you out of the agreement. There’s no way to force the grandparents to help.

l

I’ve never heard of grandparents making grandiose promises and not follow through. I don’t think it’s common. I would get their son involved. You have nothing to lose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those financial promises were made when you weren't the ex. They no longer feel obligated. Maybe they can't afford it.
I really don't think a grandparent should pay a grandchild's tuition. College is a choice not mandatory. It's up to you and the father to provide that.
We bought the grandchild a vehicle and pay his insurance only because that's money we saved for him.

When a couple gets divorced, the grandparents no longer have a relationship with their grandkids?

The parents divorced each other. The kids didn't divorce their own damn grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just figure out how to pay for it yourself.

Grandparents make all sorts of grandiose proclamations with younger children that they don’t mean. It’s all for show.

If your DC got in ED and you really can’t afford it, you can explain the situation to the school and they should let you out of the agreement. There’s no way to force the grandparents to help.

l

I’ve never heard of grandparents making grandiose promises and not follow through. I don’t think it’s common. I would get their son involved. You have nothing to lose.

My parents make all kinds of promises and not follow through. We let it go in on ear and out the other.

[Anonymous]

It was stupid of you to think they would follow through. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's your ex doing about college?

Other than taking all the credit for himself? Nothing. Maybe he will send a $100 gift card. Again, the man now has 8 kids. 3 are ours and 5 from the new wife.

And you're wondering why the grandparents don't want to pay for college why? They don't want to have to pay for college for 8 children, OP. Duh.

[Anonymous]

OP here with an update: I need to thank those PPs who said "they will bail because your ex has more kids". You were completely right. They have been financially supporting his a$$. And not just a check here or there. He can't even cover his mortgage, he has to have his elderly parents do it for him. They reached out to me after NYE, apologized profusely, said things were really awkward and that at most they can send an occasional gift card to my DS. We have figured out his financial aid, he is all set, he is going to school of his dreams, thank you 529 plan and scholarships. Lesson learned, DCUM - do not trust promises. And dear grandparents, instead of grand gestures, put your money where your mouth is. Open up a savings account or contribute to the 529 plan.

[Anonymous]

Your ex dh should be the one talking to them, but I would expect nothing. Their financial situation might have changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your ex dh should be the one talking to them, but I would expect nothing. Their financial situation might have changed.

Oh we never expected anything from him. Nice guy, very funny, jovial, but just a failure in everything. He never really grew up but sure makes awesome children. A good chunk of my income goes into the kids' 529 plans. I am glad I did that early on so they can go to colleges of their dreams without taking out loans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws started 529s for our kids when they were born. We get a statement from them every year so we can see what the amount is and plan accordingly. We’re still 10+ years away from needing the funds, but it’s nice that they are being very clear about it. Absent that, I think would just plan on them not contributing anything and be surprised when they do.

You know if they control the account, they can change the beneficiary at any time right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update: I need to thank those PPs who said "they will bail because your ex has more kids". You were completely right. They have been financially supporting his a$$. And not just a check here or there. He can't even cover his mortgage, he has to have his elderly parents do it for him. They reached out to me after NYE, apologized profusely, said things were really awkward and that at most they can send an occasional gift card to my DS. We have figured out his financial aid, he is all set, he is going to school of his dreams, thank you 529 plan and scholarships. Lesson learned, DCUM - do not trust promises. And dear grandparents, instead of grand gestures, put your money where your mouth is. Open up a savings account or contribute to the 529 plan.

I am sorry OP.What they did was cruel. It's very cruel because you might have put more money in the 529 which might have grown by leaps and bounds by now. I learned younger not to trust people promising money. We didn't have a wedding to save money and drama. My parents promised to pay for some things in our home and our honeymoon and we did all sorts of things to thank them. We ended up paying for the honeymoon and we were not given money for the home. It was a process where my mother had to come with me, see the furniture, give a massive guilt trip, decide if she would buy, come see it once it was there and then remind me over and over of her generosity. We bailed on a huge portion of what was offered because it was less exhausting to just earn the money myself. I knew when she made grandiose promises about college funding to ignore it and I am glad I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those financial promises were made when you weren't the ex. They no longer feel obligated. Maybe they can't afford it.
I really don't think a grandparent should pay a grandchild's tuition. College is a choice not mandatory. It's up to you and the father to provide that.
We bought the grandchild a vehicle and pay his insurance only because that's money we saved for him.

When a couple gets divorced, the grandparents no longer have a relationship with their grandkids?


The parents divorced each other. The kids didn't divorce their own damn grandparents.

In my case high earning DH walked out after abuse that was life threatening. He took all of the marital money with him. He nearly killed their daughter and ongoing abuse continues

He seems to believe the grandparents (exW parents) should be responsible for paying child support, for private HS and all of college while he earns 400K and lavishes it on new partner. I don’t think grandparents have any interest in covering his half. I don’t blame them.

[Anonymous]

OP, thanks for updating and I'm so glad a good path worked out for your kid. Your head sounds like it's in a great place with all of this - it's still crummy how it turned out, but at least now you have clarity. I'm glad your inlaws found a way to be candid with you about what was really going on. Hopefully your ex doesn't bankrupt them...