Money, college and exILs
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Anonymous
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I am divorced and DCs have a good, positive relationship with exILs. For years they said that once they go to college, they have money set aside for them and that (their words) "they should be fine". Well, lo' and behold, my eldest got accepted into college. For the past 2 weeks I've been trying to have a conversation with exILs about college, tuition, room/board. They acted all surprised when DC called them to let them know he got accepted. I do have 529 plans for all my kids but again, they made both verbal and written promises (via emails and texts) they would contribute to their college education. They are dodging my calls and texts, they are now dodging his calls, and these are the same people who used to text or call several times a week. No, they are not ill or on vacation.
Are they trying to renege on their promise? Is there anything I can/should do? This is awkward. I certainly didn't force them to make these promises but hey, put your money where your mouth is. |
Anonymous
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Just figure out how to pay for it yourself.
Grandparents make all sorts of grandiose proclamations with younger children that they don’t mean. It’s all for show. If your DC got in ED and you really can’t afford it, you can explain the situation to the school and they should let you out of the agreement. There’s no way to force the grandparents to help. |
Anonymous
| If I were you - I mean they are already your ex in-laws- I might text them and say something like "Wow, I can't believe Tommy is going to college! I so appreciate your promise to contribute to the costs of his education. It means the world to him. Let me know if you'd like to discuss specifics so that I can make sure he applies for any necessary financial aid" |
Anonymous
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There’s another thread on here where others have shared that when grandparents promise to contribute to college, it could be anything like $100. They have no idea what college costs these days.
OP- they are dodging your calls and it’s obvious that they did not intend to make any meaningful contribution. Not sure how you factored them into your plan unless they promised to contribute a specific amount? |
Anonymous
+1 you should be prepared to pay the full cost yourself. Your in-laws suck but it is what it is, and this isn’t uncommon. What does your actual ex say about it? |
Anonymous
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At this point you've got nothing to lose, OP, so straight-up remind them of their promise and ask for a contribution. If they don't answer, you've got your answer. |
Anonymous
Can I pay for his college? Yes. Do I think it's fair that I am the only who is doing that and exDH is not contributing a dime, and now his parents are flaking? No, I think it sucks. |
Anonymous
| What exactly are you saying in all your calls and texts? Sounds like you already have your answer. You can't force them to pay up. Why would they be surprised he was accepted to college, does he have terrible grades? |
Anonymous
| And where, pray tell, is their father in this conversation with HIS parents, about HIS children? |
Anonymous
Daddy of the year said "congrats son!"  . He lives across the country, sees them twice a year and always complains how expensive it is to fly them. In 10 years since we've been divorced, he produced 5 more children. Guy's broke.
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Anonymous
It does suck, especially that their father is not contributing. Seems like you have nothing to lose in just being blunt with the grandparents -- you've said over the years that you planned to help with college. Can you let me know now what you want to contribute. Sounds like they won't respond but then at least you've been clear and you have your answer. |
Anonymous
It might be worth it to talk to a family law attorney and see if there's anything that can be done about your divorce decree/property settlement/support order. In some places, college costs can be part of the child support order. |
Anonymous
| What's your ex doing about college? |
Anonymous
See my response below to another PP. He is a nice enough guy but he can barely afford to feed his new kids, let alone help with college costs. For the past 10 years our 3 kids have been entirely on me. I even told him "forget child support, spend that money on the kids when they visit you" and he still complains how expensive everything is. |
Anonymous
| Definitely ask them and make sure they know that they will be letting down their grandson if they don't cone through. Sometimes a healthy dose of guilt goes a long way. |