Money, college and exILs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just don’t bully your kid into taking out loans to cover what you didn’t prepare to pay yourself with the child’s father before he signed that ED commitment letter.

Let him decide if you yourself can’t pay the full cost or aren’t willing to.

Better to have him angry now than not speaking to you in a decade.

Oh no no, absolutely no loans. 529, scholarships, plus I can cover room and board. He will have an on campus job.

Cool, so why do you need the grandparents money again...?

Sounds like OP is financially comfortable and can pay for tuition. Her ex sounds like he is not financially stable and has had more kids. The grandparents are going to help their son and the grandchildren who are still minors before they help out with OP’s kids’ college expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. I think your situation is unfair and most normal people would be upset like you. The posters on here lecturing on here that you’re greedy and shouldn’t be entitled to anything are miserable, sanctimonious losers who want to sh!t all over someone who’s hurting.

No one asked your kids’ grandparents to make these promises over the years so they are wrong for reneging now. It also sounds like you can afford college, but it’s just unfair that not one cent is coming from dad’s side, and it should. I would tell your kids about this because they need to know the truth about their unreliable, deadbeat dad and his equally useless parents.

We are not all sanctimonious losers. the suggestions to embarrass the in laws are trashy.

The rest of us are all living in the real world where we know paying for our kids college is on us. OP seriously didn’t question why she never saw a dime? Until the money is in a bank account that you control, the money isn’t yours and you should plan accordingly. And to boot, OP has the money but doesn’t want to spend it. She just wants to spend other people’s money.

You’re absolutely a sanctimonious loser and your glossing over the grandparents’ failure to uphold their promise is trashy. Also, it’s not like OP is greedily trying to extract money to spend on herself. It’s for her kids’ educations. I can’t believe there’s so many people on here who think a broken promise is no big deal.

Broken promises that were nothing more than emails and texts and vague assurances that they would help is actually no big deal. No one should be relying on that for anything. Is it kind of crappy for the grandparents to have made this grandiose statements, sure, but OP isn’t entitled to their money.

How do you know the assurances were vague? Were you there? And it’s not kind of crappy, it’s very crappy for the grandparents to make these statements and now disappear, hoping this will all blow over if they ignore their grandkids now. Why can’t they give them a clear answer like “sorry no, we can’t help” instead of being cowards? They’ll probably come crawling back like vermin after OP’s paid for everything and the kid’s settled at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just don’t bully your kid into taking out loans to cover what you didn’t prepare to pay yourself with the child’s father before he signed that ED commitment letter.

Let him decide if you yourself can’t pay the full cost or aren’t willing to.

Better to have him angry now than not speaking to you in a decade.

Oh no no, absolutely no loans. 529, scholarships, plus I can cover room and board. He will have an on campus job.

If you don’t qualify for financial aid, the student will not likely be offered an on campus job.

He can get a local job, however. Talk to him about that expectation. It can be a good thing.

He obviously probably already knows that Dad and Dad’s parents are not as involved as you are in his life. Just be there for him, be honest, and let him decide. It’s his life.

[Anonymous]

It’s a new era in campus jobs. There are so many going vacant in dining halls, etc. That one doesn’t always have to be work-study (or whatever it is called now) to get a campus job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced and DCs have a good, positive relationship with exILs. For years they said that once they go to college, they have money set aside for them and that (their words) "they should be fine". Well, lo' and behold, my eldest got accepted into college. For the past 2 weeks I've been trying to have a conversation with exILs about college, tuition, room/board. They acted all surprised when DC called them to let them know he got accepted. I do have 529 plans for all my kids but again, they made both verbal and written promises (via emails and texts) they would contribute to their college education. They are dodging my calls and texts, they are now dodging his calls, and these are the same people who used to text or call several times a week. No, they are not ill or on vacation.

Are they trying to renege on their promise? Is there anything I can/should do? This is awkward. I certainly didn't force them to make these promises but hey, put your money where your mouth is.

Don't ever expect anyone else to pay for your kids college. Have your kid apply for scholarships NOW. Fill out the FAFSA and have your husbands info on there too if it will help with more aid. I always say this, my mom has said the same thing, but I am acting like my kid will get 0 from her. If she ends up giving college money, great (she set up a 529 I saw it but she wont let me access it or see how it is doing), but we have our own 529 and are acting like our kid gets nothing from her. I also do this because I worry she will do what my grandparents did to me. See below.

My mom was a single mom, my dad died and his parents helped 0. My maternal grandparents offered to help (and did) with college, but I had to go to their college of choice. I was miserable and I wonder what would have happened if people communicated that when I was say 16 (I was told when I got my college acceptances I had no choice had to go to X college bc grandparents paid tuition and I paid room, board, books by working) I would have done things differently. My family gives with conditions, and I won't play those games anymore. Life is too short.

If you want ask them in writing reply to an email they sent about it (emails are legally binding ) saying something along the lines of, "We are so excited that Suzie got into X college! You have mentioned and said many times you would contribute to our children's college and as we apply for scholarships and financial aid I need to know the specific amounts you intent to contribute each year. Many thanks." You need to be very specific. Also, where is your ex? why aren't they talking to your ex-IL? I wonder if they have used that money to help their son and his new kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. I think your situation is unfair and most normal people would be upset like you. The posters on here lecturing on here that you’re greedy and shouldn’t be entitled to anything are miserable, sanctimonious losers who want to sh!t all over someone who’s hurting.

No one asked your kids’ grandparents to make these promises over the years so they are wrong for reneging now. It also sounds like you can afford college, but it’s just unfair that not one cent is coming from dad’s side, and it should. I would tell your kids about this because they need to know the truth about their unreliable, deadbeat dad and his equally useless parents.

We are not all sanctimonious losers. the suggestions to embarrass the in laws are trashy.

The rest of us are all living in the real world where we know paying for our kids college is on us. OP seriously didn’t question why she never saw a dime? Until the money is in a bank account that you control, the money isn’t yours and you should plan accordingly. And to boot, OP has the money but doesn’t want to spend it. She just wants to spend other people’s money.

You’re absolutely a sanctimonious loser and your glossing over the grandparents’ failure to uphold their promise is trashy. Also, it’s not like OP is greedily trying to extract money to spend on herself. It’s for her kids’ educations. I can’t believe there’s so many people on here who think a broken promise is no big deal.

Broken promises that were nothing more than emails and texts and vague assurances that they would help is actually no big deal. No one should be relying on that for anything. Is it kind of crappy for the grandparents to have made this grandiose statements, sure, but OP isn’t entitled to their money.

How do you know the assurances were vague? Were you there? And it’s not kind of crappy, it’s very crappy for the grandparents to make these statements and now disappear, hoping this will all blow over if they ignore their grandkids now. Why can’t they give them a clear answer like “sorry no, we can’t help” instead of being cowards? They’ll probably come crawling back like vermin after OP’s paid for everything and the kid’s settled at school.

Vermin? That's a bit harsh. All this was is a gift. They mentioned the gift, and now don't seem to be going forward with it. You are never owed a gift. It's nice, but not necessary or required and you can't sue them for failing to deliver on an offer of a favor or gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced and DCs have a good, positive relationship with exILs. For years they said that once they go to college, they have money set aside for them and that (their words) "they should be fine". Well, lo' and behold, my eldest got accepted into college. For the past 2 weeks I've been trying to have a conversation with exILs about college, tuition, room/board. They acted all surprised when DC called them to let them know he got accepted. I do have 529 plans for all my kids but again, they made both verbal and written promises (via emails and texts) they would contribute to their college education. They are dodging my calls and texts, they are now dodging his calls, and these are the same people who used to text or call several times a week. No, they are not ill or on vacation.

Are they trying to renege on their promise? Is there anything I can/should do? This is awkward. I certainly didn't force them to make these promises but hey, put your money where your mouth is.

Don't ever expect anyone else to pay for your kids college. Have your kid apply for scholarships NOW. Fill out the FAFSA and have your husbands info on there too if it will help with more aid. I always say this, my mom has said the same thing, but I am acting like my kid will get 0 from her. If she ends up giving college money, great (she set up a 529 I saw it but she wont let me access it or see how it is doing), but we have our own 529 and are acting like our kid gets nothing from her. I also do this because I worry she will do what my grandparents did to me. See below.

My mom was a single mom, my dad died and his parents helped 0. My maternal grandparents offered to help (and did) with college, but I had to go to their college of choice. I was miserable and I wonder what would have happened if people communicated that when I was say 16 (I was told when I got my college acceptances I had no choice had to go to X college bc grandparents paid tuition and I paid room, board, books by working) I would have done things differently. My family gives with conditions, and I won't play those games anymore. Life is too short.

If you want ask them in writing reply to an email they sent about it (emails are legally binding ) saying something along the lines of, "We are so excited that Suzie got into X college! You have mentioned and said many times you would contribute to our children's college and as we apply for scholarships and financial aid I need to know the specific amounts you intent to contribute each year. Many thanks." You need to be very specific. Also, where is your ex? why aren't they talking to your ex-IL? I wonder if they have used that money to help their son and his new kids.

Sorry, this email isn't going to be legally binding. There are no losses here. OP has already said if they can't pay then she will. It would be different if the son only applied to college b/c the grandparents promised to pay and whelp, now he can't go. But, that's not the case, he applied and will still go. It doesn't matter that the grandparents offered to help and now won't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just figure out how to pay for it yourself.

Grandparents make all sorts of grandiose proclamations with younger children that they don’t mean. It’s all for show.

If your DC got in ED and you really can’t afford it, you can explain the situation to the school and they should let you out of the agreement. There’s no way to force the grandparents to help.

+1 you should be prepared to pay the full cost yourself. Your in-laws suck but it is what it is, and this isn’t uncommon.

What does your actual ex say about it?

Daddy of the year said "congrats son!" . He lives across the country, sees them twice a year and always complains how expensive it is to fly them. In 10 years since we've been divorced, he produced 5 more children. Guy's broke.

That’s your answer.

They made those promises when your son was the only grandchild. Now they have 5 more grandchildren and they’re panicking about paying for all those college tuitions…

[Anonymous]

Women are so entitled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s a new era in campus jobs. There are so many going vacant in dining halls, etc. That one doesn’t always have to be work-study (or whatever it is called now) to get a campus job.

Tuition is so expensive that it’s not worth it to take time away from studying to not even make a dent in student loans. Give are the days when students could pay for college with a summer job. A job won’t even cover living expenses, so it becomes a very risky situation to take on a minimum wage job that takes time away from your classes.

[Anonymous]

This same thing happened to us.

But it is my IN laws -- not ex!

Years and years and years of promises. Luckily I only let DS apply where we could afford because sure enough in laws reneged right away! And then they LIED about it, telling us that they had mailed DS checks that DS was cashing but since we are on the bank account, we checked and it was false. And FIL then couldn't "find" the canceled checks (we were getting concerned for FIL) and then FIL started yelling and attacking us!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This same thing happened to us.

But it is my IN laws -- not ex!

Years and years and years of promises. Luckily I only let DS apply where we could afford because sure enough in laws reneged right away! And then they LIED about it, telling us that they had mailed DS checks that DS was cashing but since we are on the bank account, we checked and it was false. And FIL then couldn't "find" the canceled checks (we were getting concerned for FIL) and then FIL started yelling and attacking us!

Surely you already knew your in laws were untrustworthy liars, didn't you? They were perfectly honest until college time, then started trying to defraud you only then?

You knew they weren't good for the money since you didn't actually plan for getting it, which is why you limited the applications.

JFC why do people marry into families like this and then whine and play the victim when the in laws behave in line with past experience?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This same thing happened to us.

But it is my IN laws -- not ex!

Years and years and years of promises. Luckily I only let DS apply where we could afford because sure enough in laws reneged right away! And then they LIED about it, telling us that they had mailed DS checks that DS was cashing but since we are on the bank account, we checked and it was false. And FIL then couldn't "find" the canceled checks (we were getting concerned for FIL) and then FIL started yelling and attacking us!

Surely you already knew your in laws were untrustworthy liars, didn't you? They were perfectly honest until college time, then started trying to defraud you only then?

You knew they weren't good for the money since you didn't actually plan for getting it, which is why you limited the applications.

JFC why do people marry into families like this and then whine and play the victim when the in laws behave in line with past experience?

Not PP, but this poster isn’t whining. They are just stating what they experienced.

I think grandparents should be ignored on virtually all matters relating to the modern world, not just paying for college, even if they don’t commit fraud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This same thing happened to us.

But it is my IN laws -- not ex!

Years and years and years of promises. Luckily I only let DS apply where we could afford because sure enough in laws reneged right away! And then they LIED about it, telling us that they had mailed DS checks that DS was cashing but since we are on the bank account, we checked and it was false. And FIL then couldn't "find" the canceled checks (we were getting concerned for FIL) and then FIL started yelling and attacking us!

Sounds like dementia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just figure out how to pay for it yourself.

Grandparents make all sorts of grandiose proclamations with younger children that they don’t mean. It’s all for show.

If your DC got in ED and you really can’t afford it, you can explain the situation to the school and they should let you out of the agreement. There’s no way to force the grandparents to help.

+1 you should be prepared to pay the full cost yourself. Your in-laws suck but it is what it is, and this isn’t uncommon.

What does your actual ex say about it?

Daddy of the year said "congrats son!" . He lives across the country, sees them twice a year and always complains how expensive it is to fly them. In 10 years since we've been divorced, he produced 5 more children. Guy's broke.

That’s your answer.

They made those promises when your son was the only grandchild. Now they have 5 more grandchildren and they’re panicking about paying for all those college tuitions…

10 years is a long time and now there are 5 more grandchildren. Their health is probably also worse.

I have 3 kids. I would help the kid or grandchildren who need help the most. It sounds like you can afford to pay the tuition. Your ex does not sound like he can support his other 5 minor children and definitely not their future college expenses.

This is not rocket science on why they are not fulfilling some verbal promise. They may not realize how much college costs either. I would really try to limit your disappointment in front of your child. He should be grateful if the grandparent gives him $100 or $500 or $1000 as a graduation gift or allowance for college.