15 year old hanging with adults all night- is this normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve experienced this too. Usually the teen is not as precocious as the parents think she and no adults aren’t crazy for not wanting to socialize with a 15 year old for 3 hours.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another question from OP- obviously, my oldest kid is 11. I don’t know any 15 year olds well at all (no close friends with kids that age). Why would I be expected to know their developmental level and what’s appropriate/typical behavior? That’s literally what I’m here asking about but people are criticizing me for…not knowing what I don’t know? What I came here to ask? Too funny

Bet you have an immature 11 year old boy you don’t enjoy. My teen girls are lovely.

I’m sure they are, but they are not who I look forward to talking to on a Friday night over a glass of wine.

I'm sure they aren't looking forward to talking to you either, but they are doing the best once they are stuck with your unpleasant family.

Thinking that 15 year old wants to hang out with "kiddos" maybe be part of your problem". 15 year olds are becoming young adults.

Young adults who can stay home. Or go out with friends. Or stay in their room and text with their friends. Why was the 15 yr old even there after dinner?

Imagine the meanest girl you knew in high school and read this to yourself in her voice.

[Anonymous]

In this situation my 15 yr old would gladly stay home and watch Netflix. Either hanging with older adults or with the younger kids would not be fun options. But, I can understand that there may also be some jealously between her and the new wife. She may have inserted herself into that dynamic as a flex, albeit subconsciously. I was extremely jealous of the new wife when my dad remarried and how our relationship changed. I’d offer advice on that and how you can be more supportive, but you are clearly aligned with the new wife. It is clear that the daughter is not going to get empathy from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In this situation my 15 yr old would gladly stay home and watch Netflix. Either hanging with older adults or with the younger kids would not be fun options. But, I can understand that there may also be some jealously between her and the new wife. She may have inserted herself into that dynamic as a flex, albeit subconsciously. I was extremely jealous of the new wife when my dad remarried and how our relationship changed. I’d offer advice on that and how you can be more supportive, but you are clearly aligned with the new wife. It is clear that the daughter is not going to get empathy from you.

A flex? You all are crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would prefer my child to be amongst peers, but as long as there was no drinking, drugs, cursing, or adult topics I would be okay. Lots of families socialize like this. Parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and any children around.

BOOOOOOORRRRRING!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would prefer my child to be amongst peers, but as long as there was no drinking, drugs, cursing, or adult topics I would be okay. Lots of families socialize like this. Parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and any children around.

BOOOOOOORRRRRING!

Seriously. I can talk about safe topics with my coworkers. I get together with friends to let the real talk fly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love how this thread turned into everyone bragging about their ability to socialize with children on a Saturday night and how much they love it …. Post it again in a month OP and say you love hanging out with your friends teens and the same people will come ridicule you for being weird. It’s just about being critical. Next thread

Op here- hahaha yes! Thanks for this!! I honestly can’t believe so many people are getting worked up about this. 15 year olds are fine and all, but they’re not adults and when there are two couples and a 15 year old engaged in a heavy conversational dynamic for 4 hours it does feel forced and awkward.

Also, I realize I was not clear with this piece of info- I did not know that the dad had a teenaged daughter and shared custody. We know the wife through my husband and she recently married him and had a child together. Like I said, we don’t know them well which is why we invited them over for dinner.

Most of our friends have kids our kids ages or younger, it’s normal to feed them first then they run off to play or have a movie night if they want to do that. Our other friends with teens have always left them home, just saying the kids had other things to do or straight up didn’t want to come hang with a bunch of babies. That makes sense 😊

OK, OP, now I am really curious - what kind of topics are you comfortable discussing with people you barely know, but not comfortable discussing with a 15 y.o.?

[Anonymous]

It's fine when the kid is the niece--like my 15 year old will hang when it's me and my brother and sister and the younger kids are off playing. But I would not do this to friends who were not close and had known her forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love how this thread turned into everyone bragging about their ability to socialize with children on a Saturday night and how much they love it …. Post it again in a month OP and say you love hanging out with your friends teens and the same people will come ridicule you for being weird. It’s just about being critical. Next thread

Op here- hahaha yes! Thanks for this!! I honestly can’t believe so many people are getting worked up about this. 15 year olds are fine and all, but they’re not adults and when there are two couples and a 15 year old engaged in a heavy conversational dynamic for 4 hours it does feel forced and awkward.

Also, I realize I was not clear with this piece of info- I did not know that the dad had a teenaged daughter and shared custody. We know the wife through my husband and she recently married him and had a child together. Like I said, we don’t know them well which is why we invited them over for dinner.

Most of our friends have kids our kids ages or younger, it’s normal to feed them first then they run off to play or have a movie night if they want to do that. Our other friends with teens have always left them home, just saying the kids had other things to do or straight up didn’t want to come hang with a bunch of babies. That makes sense 😊

OK, OP, now I am really curious - what kind of topics are you comfortable discussing with people you barely know, but not comfortable discussing with a 15 y.o.?

DP - seriously? You’re cool with talking about work, couple stuff, kid stuff, etc., with a 15 year old? Why?

Even if 15 year olds can grasp the conversation, the fifth wheel dynamic (with a 15 year old!) sounds like a real PITA. And I like teenagers! But for FOUR hours, when I was looking forward to adult conversation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean I don't think a 15 year old would want to play with an 11 year old or younger. Was that the first-time meeting everyone? Maybe she didn't feel comfortable hanging out elsewhere?

+1 that's an awkward gap at that age. I guess the 15yo could have brought a book or something, but in her own house she could have occupied herself elsewhere. Would you have preferred she just be on her phone the whole time?

I remember being in HS and talking to our family friends (the adults) quite a bit unless there were peer age kids for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow! I'm so thankful that my friend group enjoys hanging at multigenerational gatherings. When our kids were teens we loved being all together (and with aging parents as well). No that they are older teens/young adults they are even more elusive so it's a real treat when they are in town and we get to spend time with them. Having younger people around offers an opportunity to get to know what's going on for the younger generation and to find out their takes on contemporary issues. It's often eye opening and fun! I guess I also have plenty of opportunity for adult time so it's never been an issue for me.

+1 I would say it's nice when a friend's teen actually wants to talk to us. It's nice to get to know them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve experienced this too. Usually the teen is not as precocious as the parents think she and no adults aren’t crazy for not wanting to socialize with a 15 year old for 3 hours.

Irrelevant. She was OP's invited guest. If OP didn't want her to come, she should have said so in advance. Expecting her to "go play" with small children or stare at her phone in another room is not appropriate.

[Anonymous]

I have a 16 yo DS and I don't drag him to family outings where I know he won't have peers to engage with. I either leave him at home to do what he wants or he makes plans to hang out with his friends.

From your answer, it would appear that you DS lives with you full time.

This girl is 15 and sees her father every other weekend. In this situation, it is NOT, IMO, reasonable to expect her to stay at home alone. It's probable that she can't spend the evening with friends because the friends live near mom, not dad. She may not have any friends who live with walking/biking distance of dad's house. Plus, she's not old enough to drive herself, so she'd have to rely on dad. And if dad wants to have dinner with friends and drink wine, he's probably not going to want to drink and drive back and forth to mom's neighborhood twice in the same evening.

If he does leave her home alone, it's also possible she's going to say "Why do I have to spend my weekend with you instead of with my friends if you're just going to leave me home alone? " It's also possible that her mother will say the same..."Seriously, you insist she has to come to your house for the weekend and then you leave her home alone for 4 hours on Saturday night?"

So, OP can either socialize with dad and stepmom on weekends D is with mom OR be more understanding.

[Anonymous]

It's the parents' fault. If that happened, I would say to my daughter, ok the adults are going to hang for a bit, could you either chill with the kids or maybe play on your phone for a while? There is nothing the host can do about the rude guests. If the child is not a family member of BOTH the host and the guest (so niece or cousin), this is rude. I would prob shoo my teens away even if family if I got the sense my SIL wanted to chat about stuff she didn't want them to hear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I have a 16 yo DS and I don't drag him to family outings where I know he won't have peers to engage with. I either leave him at home to do what he wants or he makes plans to hang out with his friends.

From your answer, it would appear that you DS lives with you full time.

This girl is 15 and sees her father every other weekend. In this situation, it is NOT, IMO, reasonable to expect her to stay at home alone. It's probable that she can't spend the evening with friends because the friends live near mom, not dad. She may not have any friends who live with walking/biking distance of dad's house. Plus, she's not old enough to drive herself, so she'd have to rely on dad. And if dad wants to have dinner with friends and drink wine, he's probably not going to want to drink and drive back and forth to mom's neighborhood twice in the same evening.

If he does leave her home alone, it's also possible she's going to say "Why do I have to spend my weekend with you instead of with my friends if you're just going to leave me home alone? " It's also possible that her mother will say the same..."Seriously, you insist she has to come to your house for the weekend and then you leave her home alone for 4 hours on Saturday night?"

So, OP can either socialize with dad and stepmom on weekends D is with mom OR be more understanding.

But OP didn't have a problem with the daughter being in the house. She had a problem with the daughter inserting herself into the adult conversation all night. If the daughter had come over with her dad, made some small talk and entertained herself with a screen or with the 11 yo, all would've been well.

But fair point about the split custody time. I think dad should've been a bit more thoughtful here and made sure his daughter made plans with friends while he was at OP's house or sent his DD off once she overstayed her welcome in the adult conversation.