15 year old hanging with adults all night- is this normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- Okay. So if this is normal, I just need to prepare to socialize with my friends and a 15 year old everytime we host them?

Im aware this sounds stupid, but do you all just sort of accept that you have to chat with boring and pedantic teens now (this one was a vegan and told us all about it) when you are trying to socialize with other adults?

Yeah, you have to accept that you will have to socialize with all the members of the families that you invite for dinner.

[Anonymous]

I would also feel a bit weird about this. I think it's appropriate that they stay for the main meal and then excuse themselves. Fine for them to be on their phone the rest of the night.

I think this phenomenon of thinking you're one of the adults is more common among only children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The comments on this are ridiculous. No OP you are not expected to want to socialize with a 15 year old. You are allowed to want adult time. Zero justification required. You will have to figure out the best way to handle it in this particular case. If it was my close friend I’d be direct about it and talk it through. Also keep in mind a couple months time and patience might solve the problem on its own - the teen is an age where they might start to have plans of their own.

I do agree the teen should not be expected to hang out with little kids - although maybe you could pay them to be “supervising” and make it a win win?

She can want whatever she wants, but the 15yo's parent who is a guest of OP's is okay with this. If OP doesn't want the teen, invites should be when teen is with other parent.

[Anonymous]

Wow! I'm so thankful that my friend group enjoys hanging at multigenerational gatherings. When our kids were teens we loved being all together (and with aging parents as well). No that they are older teens/young adults they are even more elusive so it's a real treat when they are in town and we get to spend time with them. Having younger people around offers an opportunity to get to know what's going on for the younger generation and to find out their takes on contemporary issues. It's often eye opening and fun! I guess I also have plenty of opportunity for adult time so it's never been an issue for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- Okay. So if this is normal, I just need to prepare to socialize with my friends and a 15 year old everytime we host them?

Im aware this sounds stupid, but do you all just sort of accept that you have to chat with boring and pedantic teens now (this one was a vegan and told us all about it) when you are trying to socialize with other adults?

I feel like having a 15 year old learn appropriate social interaction is really good in this day and age instead of just being glued to a screen. It takes practice but this is a great time to learn. If you are uncomfortable with it, you need to speak up and say it’s an adults only dinner.

I agree. You have a teen who is engaged and not spending time on a screen. I'd cherish the time.

[Anonymous]

The easiest solution is to invite that family over on the weekends where the child is with the other parent. The dad may not want to set a pattern of leaving DD alone when he only has her half the time. The 15 year old is also in a difficult position. They may not have any interest in chatting with the adults but it’s highly preferable to hanging with younger kids. For everyone suggesting payment for babysitting the younger kids, not all teenagers want to babysit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What on earth did you expect to talk about that you couldn't broach in front of a 15 year old? Your swinging proposition? Your binges? Your new sex tape?

Teens are developmentally ready to talk with adults. I have an 18 year old in college and a 13 year old - they can talk and opine about current events, and they're mature enough to hear about personal struggles (sanitized for the 13 year old). When he was 15, my son would often hang out with the adults, because we have a social circle where he has always been the oldest. So unless his friends were there, he would gravitate towards us, listen nonchalantly and interject perfectly appropriate comments or questions.

Well, to me it’s sort of similar to hanging out with a friend and a person I don’t know. Or a friend and someone who’s close to someone else I know. I might want to share details about my child or some issue my family is dealing with, and wouldn’t in this case. Or sometimes, our group can be jokey-snarky about parenting responsibilities, but I’m not doing that with a child present. I don’t want to hang out with a random 15 year old. I’m surprised they came. Maybe because it was on the Dad’s weekend and they didn’t want to leave her alone? Maybe you can plan for days you know she will be gone.

So, once in a while you won't turn a dinner into your therapy session. Is that bad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What on earth did you expect to talk about that you couldn't broach in front of a 15 year old? Your swinging proposition? Your binges? Your new sex tape?

Teens are developmentally ready to talk with adults. I have an 18 year old in college and a 13 year old - they can talk and opine about current events, and they're mature enough to hear about personal struggles (sanitized for the 13 year old). When he was 15, my son would often hang out with the adults, because we have a social circle where he has always been the oldest. So unless his friends were there, he would gravitate towards us, listen nonchalantly and interject perfectly appropriate comments or questions.

Well, to me it’s sort of similar to hanging out with a friend and a person I don’t know. Or a friend and someone who’s close to someone else I know. I might want to share details about my child or some issue my family is dealing with, and wouldn’t in this case. Or sometimes, our group can be jokey-snarky about parenting responsibilities, but I’m not doing that with a child present. I don’t want to hang out with a random 15 year old. I’m surprised they came. Maybe because it was on the Dad’s weekend and they didn’t want to leave her alone? Maybe you can plan for days you know she will be gone.

So, once in a while you won't turn a dinner into your therapy session. Is that bad?

Also, are you really doing this with the younger kids floating around the house?

[Anonymous]

I'm not gonna say it's not normal, because all kids are different, but I think ots either ok to ask the 15 to hang out with the other kids, she is still a kid after all, or I'd just leave her home if it's that big of a deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow! I'm so thankful that my friend group enjoys hanging at multigenerational gatherings. When our kids were teens we loved being all together (and with aging parents as well). No that they are older teens/young adults they are even more elusive so it's a real treat when they are in town and we get to spend time with them. Having younger people around offers an opportunity to get to know what's going on for the younger generation and to find out their takes on contemporary issues. It's often eye opening and fun! I guess I also have plenty of opportunity for adult time so it's never been an issue for me.

I agree so very much! I enjoy talking to my friends' teens. I see them so little nowadays! One of them even talked to me at length about her new, medically required diet, and I loved it, because I was honored she felt comfortable enough around me to talk about this issue, which is an important one to her, and therefore to me also.

You do not seem to be an inclusive or generous person, OP. It's sad, for you. If you must specify to these friends that it's adults-only, do so. I hope they understand.

[Anonymous]

So you expected the fifteen year old to babysit your kid and younger sib, rather than be treated like a guest?

Not cool.

I think it's weird you think the kids shouldn't be socializing with the adult guests. When I was eleven or eight, I would have been hanging with the adults at least part of the time. That's an important part of socializing kids. I certainly would have wanted to interact with the adults when I was 15.

[Anonymous]

The same people who’ll complain about young people having no social skills these days will be the ones wishing the teens would just go play video games or be on their phones alone in the rooms all night.

But it’s also completely ok to want adult-only time. You just have to be clear and intentional about it up front. You’re biggest mistake, OP, was assuming that a 15 year old girl would want to go play video games with a bunch if little kids.

[Anonymous]

I always assume that I could be overheard when there are children present. But we also include our kids in dinner (always) even if we have enough guests we have to set up another table nearby. I enjoy seeing them and talking to the older ones and finding out whats going on in their lives. My kids are 12 and 14. There is a challenge when there are littles around (5 and under) that just need more attention, earlier food, ect. around them I watch my language but what topics do you want to talk about? I doubt the 15 year old cares if your 9 year old is struggling in math, but I would not talk about my personal struggles or romantic ambitions in a group evening ever

[Anonymous]

Bonus to the 15 year old talking with adults, you are getting a sneak peak into teen life- very useful!

[Anonymous]

Op here- wow! So much judgement and hate already in this thread! Dcum never fails to dish up the vitriol.

Thanks to everyone kind for their reasonable responses. These are new friends and I’m not close enough with the woman to address it. Of course I understand and applaud it if the dad wants to spend time with his daughter on their weekends. She was lovely and a great guest. However, I would prefer not to spend my limited Saturday nights socializing with a 15 year old after being with my own kids all day.

I do think it may be an only child thing (she’s an only child on his side)