I meet a lot of moms, but no one wants to be my friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need good friends at this age anyway? Don't you have them from high school, college etc? Between work and volunteering and hobbies and kids I must talk to 50 people a day and they are all friends of different levels of closeness. We live in a very populated area. It isn't too hard. I think you might just be expecting too much from others.

Good for you. You're not OP. What a jerk response.

I didn't mean it jerky. I'm not that outgoing and it just seems like people are amazingly friendly that I meet and I always feel bad I don't have more time for them. I meet people running, at the baseball park, playground, PTA. Most people with kids don't have time for many really close friends and with kids your life is an open book related to kids or closed off on personal matters you only discuss with your spouse. Moms are close with people for the time being while they are doing that activity. I would talk to one mom at the bus and then when the kids went off to different middle schools I rarely saw her. We are still friends though. Just not close ones. I just expect that most friends in my adult life will be like this. We will enjoy each other's company while we do things together. We are all capable of being friendly, sharing stories, and making plans to do things together. They aren't helping me out though in a financial crisis or anything like this though. They expect me to be an adult and make my own decisions.

OP- THIS response is everything and sums up the DMV area. People here take a very looong time if ever to really establish closeness and let their guard down. Way more so than other areas, it's just part of the culture. You are expected to already have a circle and everything you add to it is just gravy. Good luck

Yes this is partly true. By the time people have kids they are usually close to 30. They have friends from the first 30 years of their life. Also family. Also a spouse. Many people also work and have work colleagues. The people I know who have time for endless socializing are either low class and work odd jobs with a lot of downtime and chit chat about things other people say, experiences they’ve had, and tv shows they watch around four hours every day. The other group with a lot of time are rich stay at home moms who walk the dog with others, work out with others, help out at the school, and attend parties regularly. All the people in the middle are just trying to balance everything. We have time for an hour of friendship chatting a day and nowadays the phone eats into that time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hear you. Consider an impromptu hug strategy. Not too long after a conversation begins, it's really an instinct thing (there is no "rule" on timing), just hug the person. You or they can carry on whatever they were saying, the hug doesn't have to be "about" anything. It's just a hug! You may find your tribe from there. I know people who have.

do NOt do this...you will scare people

Scare them? Why? Making friends requires leaps of faith+fun. I have what I call a hug rug. I take it places and anyone who steps on it is getting a hug. Friendships are fun.

Stop messing with the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the majority of UMC moms are uninterested in making friends. They are working and tending to their own families.

Agree. I also find that a lot of the suburban moms are actually from the area and have HS friends and family local that they hang out with — they are not looking to add new friends. And also a lot of moms only want new friends that come as a couple — the husbands have to get along as well because that’s how they do most social get-together. I wish there was some pin we could wear or something that designates we are looking for friends. I’ve spent a lot of time developing casual friendships with other moms, only to realize belatedly that they don’t really have space in their life for additional friends.

I've definitely found the bolded to be true. The Moms who grew up in this area and still have family that lives locally typically spends a lot of time with the extended family in the area, as well as a group of 2-3 close friends from back in the day, so for better or worse, they don't really have the bandwidth for cultivating new friendships. I've found that the parents who have close relationships with other parents are those who don't have family in the area, probably because they have more time and they have to rely on those other groups of friends more often.

[Anonymous]

I'm a 43 year old mom in DC. I have a hard time trying to make mom friends at my DC's school. I volunteer a lot, so have made friends that way. I am a joiner and a person everyone else thinks is "popular" but I spend most of my time alone or with my kids or my friends from my 20s who are mainly single or partnered long term with no kids. I have found the best way to make friends is to do an activity you enjoy. I am in a running group and I met several women that way. There is an organization that I enjoy volunteering where I met the majority of my friends. I like to play tennis and have a few friends from that and preschool moms friends from our preschool. I just don't fit in with the moms in my neighborhood. I am super preppy and people assume I am conservative (I am not). My husband is a bit intimidating and doesn't have a big group of friends. I am someone everyone knows of but really doesn't know. Often at parties I stand alone watching my kids, try to join coversations but pickup on social cues and back off. It is hard. I met a lot of friends in Junior League in my 20s that are still friends to this day and my sorority alumni group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need good friends at this age anyway? Don't you have them from high school, college etc? Between work and volunteering and hobbies and kids I must talk to 50 people a day and they are all friends of different levels of closeness. We live in a very populated area. It isn't too hard. I think you might just be expecting too much from others.

Good for you. You're not OP. What a jerk response.

I didn't mean it jerky. I'm not that outgoing and it just seems like people are amazingly friendly that I meet and I always feel bad I don't have more time for them. I meet people running, at the baseball park, playground, PTA. Most people with kids don't have time for many really close friends and with kids your life is an open book related to kids or closed off on personal matters you only discuss with your spouse. Moms are close with people for the time being while they are doing that activity. I would talk to one mom at the bus and then when the kids went off to different middle schools I rarely saw her. We are still friends though. Just not close ones. I just expect that most friends in my adult life will be like this. We will enjoy each other's company while we do things together. We are all capable of being friendly, sharing stories, and making plans to do things together. They aren't helping me out though in a financial crisis or anything like this though. They expect me to be an adult and make my own decisions.

OP- THIS response is everything and sums up the DMV area. People here take a very looong time if ever to really establish closeness and let their guard down. Way more so than other areas, it's just part of the culture. You are expected to already have a circle and everything you add to it is just gravy. Good luck

That is not at all what PP said

[Anonymous]

I’m in the same boat as you.I literally don’t have any friends anymore.Just acquaintances.But friends I used to have don’t ever check up on me or ask how I’m doing,so I just stick to myself now.I also can’t make any new friends no matter how hard I try. I’ve just given up.I have 5 kids .If you ever want someone to talk to,I’m here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are these moms not as successful as you? Meaning are you thin with an impressive career? I think a lot of women are very tribal and if you’re too impressive they are going to stay away. You need to meet other successful women.

LOL

NP you laugh but this is true. Intimidation factor is real for some people.

+1
I've actually been told this after becoming friends with people I knew for years beforehand. It socks because I don't consider myself pretty or successful. I'm just plodding through life doing my best and feeling like a failure at every corner. Then I have to worry that I intimidate people?

OP, invite me for coffee. I'll reciprocate it we hit it off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I could have written this post. Want to be friends?

We're new to the area and I find that a lot of people just don't have time for new friendships. Working moms especially. So if you're not doing activities that involve you sitting and talking to other moms while kid plays a sport or something, you're kind of out of luck.

Same! Let’s get together. 😄

[Anonymous]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2Lw9YWLVts

No new friends, especially if you are desperate. 🤞😎

[Anonymous]

As others have mentioned, working moms just don’t have the bandwidth to make new friends or cultivate new friendships. A lot of them have family nearby and with work and kids, their free time is spent with extended family. It’s very lonely for new families who move to the DMV area and have no family nearby. Also a lot of families here live very solitary lives. Work, after school activities, errands, household chores take up all the time and before you know it, the week is over.

[Anonymous]

Every time I get close to someone, they end up moving away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As others have mentioned, working moms just don’t have the bandwidth to make new friends or cultivate new friendships. A lot of them have family nearby and with work and kids, their free time is spent with extended family. It’s very lonely for new families who move to the DMV area and have no family nearby. Also a lot of families here live very solitary lives. Work, after school activities, errands, household chores take up all the time and before you know it, the week is over.

I am a working mom and none of the working mothers. I know have any family nearby so it’s worse. I can barely keep up with the kids activities and work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the majority of UMC moms are uninterested in making friends. They are working and tending to their own families.

Agree. I also find that a lot of the suburban moms are actually from the area and have HS friends and family local that they hang out with — they are not looking to add new friends. And also a lot of moms only want new friends that come as a couple — the husbands have to get along as well because that’s how they do most social get-together. I wish there was some pin we could wear or something that designates we are looking for friends. I’ve spent a lot of time developing casual friendships with other moms, only to realize belatedly that they don’t really have space in their life for additional friends.

I've definitely found the bolded to be true. The Moms who grew up in this area and still have family that lives locally typically spends a lot of time with the extended family in the area, as well as a group of 2-3 close friends from back in the day, so for better or worse, they don't really have the bandwidth for cultivating new friendships. I've found that the parents who have close relationships with other parents are those who don't have family in the area, probably because they have more time and they have to rely on those other groups of friends more often.

Yes, or they married someone from the area. DH is from this area and super social and we end up being very busy with his friends and family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the majority of UMC moms are uninterested in making friends. They are working and tending to their own families.

Agree. I also find that a lot of the suburban moms are actually from the area and have HS friends and family local that they hang out with — they are not looking to add new friends. And also a lot of moms only want new friends that come as a couple — the husbands have to get along as well because that’s how they do most social get-together. I wish there was some pin we could wear or something that designates we are looking for friends. I’ve spent a lot of time developing casual friendships with other moms, only to realize belatedly that they don’t really have space in their life for additional friends.

I've definitely found the bolded to be true. The Moms who grew up in this area and still have family that lives locally typically spends a lot of time with the extended family in the area, as well as a group of 2-3 close friends from back in the day, so for better or worse, they don't really have the bandwidth for cultivating new friendships. I've found that the parents who have close relationships with other parents are those who don't have family in the area, probably because they have more time and they have to rely on those other groups of friends more often.

I'm a working mom who grew up in this area. I am still close with my childhood BFF, but that's about it from when I was younger. My local family is fairly fragmented, as many families are. I also, despite working FT and having three kids, have made multiple close friends since I had kids. Neighbors, people I met working out, people I met through the kids' school or daycare (even if they kids don't stay close).

People who want friends and who are, themselves, good friends, prioritize keeping friends and making new ones. It's both as simple and as difficult as that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hear you. Consider an impromptu hug strategy. Not too long after a conversation begins, it's really an instinct thing (there is no "rule" on timing), just hug the person. You or they can carry on whatever they were saying, the hug doesn't have to be "about" anything. It's just a hug! You may find your tribe from there. I know people who have.

Don’t do this.

omg. Never do this.