We had to move my mom in with us and it may wreck my marriage - advice needed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how old is your mom? If she's younger than 80, then she should probably her in any way you can until she is 80. However, if she is 80 or older, than the mere fact that she's still alive should be good enough for her, as that's longer than most people live, and you should feel no guilt about neglecting her.

WTAF? Put mom out on the street when she hits 80?

I didn't say the OP should force her mother to live on the street against her will. If the OP's mother can afford her own comfort, then she should be allowed to. But if she can't, that's not the OP's problem.

Her elderly mother is her responsibility!

What part of "biology flows downhill" does is so hard to understand? What part of "nobody asked their parents to bring them into the world" is so hard to understand? What part of, "nobody is entitled to live more years than most people" does nobody understand? The OP is not responsible for giving her mother special treatment in helping her live longer than most people.

Your numerous nasty comments are not helping anybody.

Just so you know, I plan to be dead long before I'm the age of the OP's mother.

Thanks for sharing that. If you are the person making all these nasty comments then I'm afraid it will be no great loss.

But it will make my "nasty comments" not so nasty after all.

No, it will not. I certainly hope you aren’t raising children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, another possibility, do you have enough money to alter your home to make it more suitable for having her there? DH and I plan to turn part of our house into a mother in law suite if we need to take in my mom someday. It would add to the value of the home, so we see it partly as an investment. We've had some neighbors do it, too, and I have a friend who actually sold her house and moved so she could have a house better suited to her mom living there.

Yes great idea OP should spend hundreds of thousands on renovating and expanding to create a separate in law unit so granny has a more spacious area to hoard things. OP should forget about sending her kids to college or saving for her own retirement and go into debt.

I asked if she had enough money. For us it would be a good solution, and it works for a lot of people. Also, there is such a thing as a homeowners loan, which means you don't have to sacrifice sending kids to college. And you get some of that money back in value add. We don't know her financial situation, or how much equity she has in her home.

She shared that they don’t have much extra money and at most could contribute 300-500/month towards finding a new living situation for her mother but it would require cutting back on retirement/college savings. Doesn’t sound like she’s in a position to take on a massive home renovation that may or may not significantly increase resale value one day.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I can't believe the things people on here have said about taking care of elderly parents. Some of you are cold, cold, cold. I would never let my mother or my mother in law be destitute or homeless and would do anything I could do to help.

That said, no one deserves to be abused by a parent and that is what this mother is doing. I would outline for her the terms of her being able to continue living with us (no hoarding, respectful behavior, boundaries, etc). If she can't honor that, then I would do everything possible to find affordable/subsidized housing. I would not abandon her but I also wouldn't put up with the behavior you are experiencing. You need to have a real and direct conversation with her. Just as you wouldn't put up with certain behaviors from your kids (I would hope not) who live with you, you should apply the same principle with your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I can't believe the things people on here have said about taking care of elderly parents. Some of you are cold, cold, cold. I would never let my mother or my mother in law be destitute or homeless and would do anything I could do to help.

That said, no one deserves to be abused by a parent and that is what this mother is doing. I would outline for her the terms of her being able to continue living with us (no hoarding, respectful behavior, boundaries, etc). If she can't honor that, then I would do everything possible to find affordable/subsidized housing. I would not abandon her but I also wouldn't put up with the behavior you are experiencing. You need to have a real and direct conversation with her. Just as you wouldn't put up with certain behaviors from your kids (I would hope not) who live with you, you should apply the same principle with your mom.

Did you not read the part where I said I plan to die before I become elderly? It's not like I'm expecting more from others than I am from myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people suck. So glad I am not American and have to worry about being kicked out of my kids (who I took care of and cared for’s) houses. No sense of family or family values. No wonder society is f—cked up!

What's wrong with the house you live in right now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is very very hard to read. Easily top five on the scale of not caring.

I would never EVER put my mother on the street or in some drug and crime infested low income housing. WTF is wrong with you people ?

You can replace a husband. You cannot replace your mother. Some of these posts are written in such hateful ways. I shouldn't be shocked but considering how DC is I'm not. And most don't even see what they are saying. Just drop Mom off at a crackhouse. Let her fend for herself.

If she is 80 or older and living in those poor conditions, than she's still better off than most of her peers, as most people that age are dead. Why should she be given special treatment?

Special treatment? Really? I get that OP is in a tough situation, but you are a total jerk. Sorry for your mom (or sorry that’s how she raised you, not sure what’s going on here).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I can't believe the things people on here have said about taking care of elderly parents. Some of you are cold, cold, cold. I would never let my mother or my mother in law be destitute or homeless and would do anything I could do to help.

That said, no one deserves to be abused by a parent and that is what this mother is doing. I would outline for her the terms of her being able to continue living with us (no hoarding, respectful behavior, boundaries, etc). If she can't honor that, then I would do everything possible to find affordable/subsidized housing. I would not abandon her but I also wouldn't put up with the behavior you are experiencing. You need to have a real and direct conversation with her. Just as you wouldn't put up with certain behaviors from your kids (I would hope not) who live with you, you should apply the same principle with your mom.

Totally agree with you. I am not from a culture with intergenerational living, but we have an amazing social network and seniors are taken care of. I would never throw my mom out on the street or drug den at the age of 80. So cruel and heartless. But also, the mom needs to pull herself together and can’t terrorize the household. Sad that OP doesn’t have satisfying options, despite living in a rich country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I can't believe the things people on here have said about taking care of elderly parents. Some of you are cold, cold, cold. I would never let my mother or my mother in law be destitute or homeless and would do anything I could do to help.

That said, no one deserves to be abused by a parent and that is what this mother is doing. I would outline for her the terms of her being able to continue living with us (no hoarding, respectful behavior, boundaries, etc). If she can't honor that, then I would do everything possible to find affordable/subsidized housing. I would not abandon her but I also wouldn't put up with the behavior you are experiencing. You need to have a real and direct conversation with her. Just as you wouldn't put up with certain behaviors from your kids (I would hope not) who live with you, you should apply the same principle with your mom.

Totally agree with you. I am not from a culture with intergenerational living, but we have an amazing social network and seniors are taken care of. I would never throw my mom out on the street or drug den at the age of 80. So cruel and heartless. But also, the mom needs to pull herself together and can’t terrorize the household. Sad that OP doesn’t have satisfying options, despite living in a rich country.

Nice moms who are loving parents don’t get kicked out of kids houses. They also don’t take advantage of their kids. It’s the horrible ones that learn their behaviors have consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is very very hard to read. Easily top five on the scale of not caring.

I would never EVER put my mother on the street or in some drug and crime infested low income housing. WTF is wrong with you people ?

You can replace a husband. You cannot replace your mother. Some of these posts are written in such hateful ways. I shouldn't be shocked but considering how DC is I'm not. And most don't even see what they are saying. Just drop Mom off at a crackhouse. Let her fend for herself.

Shouldn't it be up to the OP which one is more important to her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would look for more of a senior community nearby for her so that she has people her age to socialize with. And if you are subsidizing I would take over her finances and put her on a cash card only budget, and block online shopping on her devices.

And what if OP's mom does not allow OP to take over the finances?

Then you tell them they must move out by Date X and stick to it. They do not get to make your life miserable, want to live with you and not let you have a say in stuff. It's simply not a requirement if they wont give some and let you help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom didn’t save anything for retirement. We had to move her in with us. She literally has $60k to her name plus social security. Her living with us has put a terrible strain on my marriage. Please - advice and ideas on what to do??

I’ve read that a lot of people get divorced when they do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is very very hard to read. Easily top five on the scale of not caring.

I would never EVER put my mother on the street or in some drug and crime infested low income housing. WTF is wrong with you people ?

You can replace a husband. You cannot replace your mother. Some of these posts are written in such hateful ways. I shouldn't be shocked but considering how DC is I'm not. And most don't even see what they are saying. Just drop Mom off at a crackhouse. Let her fend for herself.

If she had an ounce of dignity, she would want to fend for herself. No self-respecting individual wants to leech off someone else.

[Anonymous]

Beyotch needs a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Beyotch needs a job.

+1

[Anonymous]

The earlier comment from the woman in Fairfax County was good. We had a similar situation with my mom, and we housed her for over ten years. She did help with our DCs also. It became unmanageable when her health declined and she started falling. I would reach out to family services where ever you live and research your options. We were able to get my mother into assisted living but again she has health issues.

That being said my family still contributes a lot toward her medicare supplement, food, upkeep etc.