We had to move my mom in with us and it may wreck my marriage - advice needed

[Anonymous]

It's sad to see Americans being so cold.

It's your mom, take care of her like she did to you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's sad to see Americans being so cold.

It's your mom, take care of her like she did to you

Parents are supposed to take care of their children. A good parent wouldn't expect anything in return from their child, and would want their child to live their life to the fullest and not have to sacrifice their space and comfort to "repay" them. For all you know, the OP doesn't even plan on living to the same age her mother is now. I know I don't. If her mother's not too old to deserve to be alive, she's not too old to be able to take care of herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's sad to see Americans being so cold.

It's your mom, take care of her like she did to you

Parents are supposed to take care of their children. A good parent wouldn't expect anything in return from their child, and would want their child to live their life to the fullest and not have to sacrifice their space and comfort to "repay" them. For all you know, the OP doesn't even plan on living to the same age her mother is now. I know I don't. If her mother's not too old to deserve to be alive, she's not too old to be able to take care of herself.

Sounds like Japan. Overwork. That's why their child rate is so low. So tires.

Bad stuff happens. If my mom needed help then I help her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's sad to see Americans being so cold.

It's your mom, take care of her like she did to you

Parents are supposed to take care of their children. A good parent wouldn't expect anything in return from their child, and would want their child to live their life to the fullest and not have to sacrifice their space and comfort to "repay" them. For all you know, the OP doesn't even plan on living to the same age her mother is now. I know I don't. If her mother's not too old to deserve to be alive, she's not too old to be able to take care of herself.

Sounds like Japan. Overwork. That's why their child rate is so low. So tires.

Bad stuff happens. If my mom needed help then I help her.

But that's your choice. The OP should also be able to make her own choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is very very hard to read. Easily top five on the scale of not caring.

I would never EVER put my mother on the street or in some drug and crime infested low income housing. WTF is wrong with you people ?

You can replace a husband. You cannot replace your mother. Some of these posts are written in such hateful ways. I shouldn't be shocked but considering how DC is I'm not. And most don't even see what they are saying. Just drop Mom off at a crackhouse. Let her fend for herself.

That's funny. In the "adult children" forum, a parent made a post complaining about how their 26-year-old was living still with them. In that thread, many commenters advised the OP to just kick him out without caring what would happen to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's sad to see Americans being so cold.

It's your mom, take care of her like she did to you

So do you also consider parents who want their 20-somethings out of their house cold even though they might need help?

[Anonymous]

Anyone who judges OP and other posters with nightmare elderly parents, gets my mother for a week. Once you have lived with her for a week....or 2 or 3 if you live, report back. I suspect a lot of you Judgy Mcjudgysons will need therapy and meds after that week. Oh and plot twist...she's yours. You figure out what to do with an abusive elderly person and then feel free to preach to the rest of us and write a book!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why wouldn't you have moved her into a Medicaid facility?

She's not going to qualify with 60K in savings for Medicaid. And it's not that simple. (NP)

+1 until you have been through it, you do not appreciate how horribly our country handles aging, mental disabilities, physical disabilities, addiction, low incomes, and poverty. And once you appreciate this, the homelessness situation in our country makes perfect sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people suck. So glad I am not American and have to worry about being kicked out of my kids (who I took care of and cared for’s) houses. No sense of family or family values. No wonder society is f—cked up!

Ignore the trolls. They are sad, angry people; they are not representative of all Americans. And they love getting a rise out of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is very very hard to read. Easily top five on the scale of not caring.

I would never EVER put my mother on the street or in some drug and crime infested low income housing. WTF is wrong with you people ?

You can replace a husband. You cannot replace your mother. Some of these posts are written in such hateful ways. I shouldn't be shocked but considering how DC is I'm not. And most don't even see what they are saying. Just drop Mom off at a crackhouse. Let her fend for herself.

Are you shocked at these comments under threads about parents complaining about their adult children living with them?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1104109.page

He’s almost 30. Tell him to go.

"You have 30 days to get out, I don't care where you go, as you are an adult, but you can't stay here."

That's it. Don't enable him more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I can't believe the things people on here have said about taking care of elderly parents. Some of you are cold, cold, cold. I would never let my mother or my mother in law be destitute or homeless and would do anything I could do to help.

That said, no one deserves to be abused by a parent and that is what this mother is doing. I would outline for her the terms of her being able to continue living with us (no hoarding, respectful behavior, boundaries, etc). If she can't honor that, then I would do everything possible to find affordable/subsidized housing. I would not abandon her but I also wouldn't put up with the behavior you are experiencing. You need to have a real and direct conversation with her. Just as you wouldn't put up with certain behaviors from your kids (I would hope not) who live with you, you should apply the same principle with your mom.

Do you also consider these comments in a thread where a parent is complaining about their adult child living with them to be "cold, cold, cold"? It would only be logical.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1104109.page

He’s almost 30. Tell him to go.

or

"You have 30 days to get out, I don't care where you go, as you are an adult, but you can't stay here."

That's it. Don't enable him more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s difficult to offer advice when you don’t share key details.

—How is she putting a strain on your marriage? She’s shops a lot, but buys cheap things that break. She hoards and has stuff everywhere. She’s constantly butting in on telling our kids to do things; she’s passive aggressive: she will do the dishes and announce how “it’s too bad the kids won’t put their dishes away so I will have to do them”
—How much space do you have in your home? She has her own bedroom on the main floor and and office area but shared kitchen with us.
—What is her health and age? Late 70s; not amazing health but can care for herself
—What is your financial situation?

two income family but we don’t have a ton of extra money but could probably put out $300-$500 per month to help

Op here - the $300-$500 would mean we are taking from our kids’ college tuition or my retirement fund

OP, you are out of your mind. Your husband will rightly leave you. You can’t afford to subsidize your mom. Your nuclear family comes first. This is her problem to deal with. Put her in senior subsidized housing and she has to live on SS. You find your retirement and kids college. The end. Grow a spine.

God, you’re all so precious. “Put her” in senior subsidized housing? The wait lists are YEARS long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how old is your mom? If she's younger than 80, then she should probably her in any way you can until she is 80. However, if she is 80 or older, than the mere fact that she's still alive should be good enough for her, as that's longer than most people live, and you should feel no guilt about neglecting her.

WTAF? Put mom out on the street when she hits 80?

I didn't say the OP should force her mother to live on the street against her will. If the OP's mother can afford her own comfort, then she should be allowed to. But if she can't, that's not the OP's problem.

Her elderly mother is her responsibility!

What part of "biology flows downhill" does is so hard to understand? What part of "nobody asked their parents to bring them into the world" is so hard to understand? What part of, "nobody is entitled to live more years than most people" does nobody understand? The OP is not responsible for giving her mother special treatment in helping her live longer than most people.

What part of “everything you just typed is infantile twaddle” is so hard to understand? You sound like a foot stomping adolescent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how old is your mom? If she's younger than 80, then she should probably her in any way you can until she is 80. However, if she is 80 or older, than the mere fact that she's still alive should be good enough for her, as that's longer than most people live, and you should feel no guilt about neglecting her.

WTAF? Put mom out on the street when she hits 80?

I didn't say the OP should force her mother to live on the street against her will. If the OP's mother can afford her own comfort, then she should be allowed to. But if she can't, that's not the OP's problem.

Her elderly mother is her responsibility!

What part of "biology flows downhill" does is so hard to understand? What part of "nobody asked their parents to bring them into the world" is so hard to understand? What part of, "nobody is entitled to live more years than most people" does nobody understand? The OP is not responsible for giving her mother special treatment in helping her live longer than most people.

Your numerous nasty comments are not helping anybody.

Do you also consider these comments in a thread where a parent is complaining about their adult child living with them to be nasty? It would only be logical.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1104109.page

He’s almost 30. Tell him to go.

or

"You have 30 days to get out, I don't care where you go, as you are an adult, but you can't stay here."

That's it. Don't enable him more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s difficult to offer advice when you don’t share key details.

—How is she putting a strain on your marriage? She’s shops a lot, but buys cheap things that break. She hoards and has stuff everywhere. She’s constantly butting in on telling our kids to do things; she’s passive aggressive: she will do the dishes and announce how “it’s too bad the kids won’t put their dishes away so I will have to do them”
—How much space do you have in your home? She has her own bedroom on the main floor and and office area but shared kitchen with us.
—What is her health and age? Late 70s; not amazing health but can care for herself
—What is your financial situation?

two income family but we don’t have a ton of extra money but could probably put out $300-$500 per month to help

Op here - the $300-$500 would mean we are taking from our kids’ college tuition or my retirement fund

OP, you are out of your mind. Your husband will rightly leave you. You can’t afford to subsidize your mom. Your nuclear family comes first. This is her problem to deal with. Put her in senior subsidized housing and she has to live on SS. You find your retirement and kids college. The end. Grow a spine.

God, you’re all so precious. “Put her” in senior subsidized housing? The wait lists are YEARS long.

+1. Unfortunately, pp is right. It will just get worse.