We had to move my mom in with us and it may wreck my marriage - advice needed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how old is your mom? If she's younger than 80, then she should probably her in any way you can until she is 80. However, if she is 80 or older, than the mere fact that she's still alive should be good enough for her, as that's longer than most people live, and you should feel no guilt about neglecting her.

WTAF? Put mom out on the street when she hits 80?

I didn't say the OP should force her mother to live on the street against her will. If the OP's mother can afford her own comfort, then she should be allowed to. But if she can't, that's not the OP's problem.

Her elderly mother is her responsibility!

What part of "biology flows downhill" does is so hard to understand? What part of "nobody asked their parents to bring them into the world" is so hard to understand? What part of, "nobody is entitled to live more years than most people" does nobody understand? The OP is not responsible for giving her mother special treatment in helping her live longer than most people.

Your numerous nasty comments are not helping anybody.

Just so you know, I plan to be dead long before I'm the age of the OP's mother.

Thanks for sharing that. If you are the person making all these nasty comments then I'm afraid it will be no great loss.

But it will make my "nasty comments" not so nasty after all.

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids, and why aren’t they putting their own dishes in the dishwasher? What cheap things is your mother buying that is breaking? If these are the only things to complain about, they sound like petty complaints to want to throw your mom out on the street. Maybe your husband is being unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s difficult to offer advice when you don’t share key details.

—How is she putting a strain on your marriage? She’s shops a lot, but buys cheap things that break. She hoards and has stuff everywhere. She’s constantly butting in on telling our kids to do things; she’s passive aggressive: she will do the dishes and announce how “it’s too bad the kids won’t put their dishes away so I will have to do them”
—How much space do you have in your home? She has her own bedroom on the main floor and and office area but shared kitchen with us.
—What is her health and age? Late 70s; not amazing health but can care for herself
—What is your financial situation?

two income family but we don’t have a ton of extra money but could probably put out $300-$500 per month to help

Sorry, I didn't know what her age was before. In that case, tell her that you're only going to help until her 80th birthday, in the event that she evens lives that long, and that if she's still alive after that, she needs to fend for herself, as most people that age aren't even alive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s difficult to offer advice when you don’t share key details.

—How is she putting a strain on your marriage? She’s shops a lot, but buys cheap things that break. She hoards and has stuff everywhere. She’s constantly butting in on telling our kids to do things; she’s passive aggressive: she will do the dishes and announce how “it’s too bad the kids won’t put their dishes away so I will have to do them”
—How much space do you have in your home? She has her own bedroom on the main floor and and office area but shared kitchen with us.
—What is her health and age? Late 70s; not amazing health but can care for herself
—What is your financial situation?

two income family but we don’t have a ton of extra money but could probably put out $300-$500 per month to help

Sorry, I didn't know what her age was before. In that case, tell her that you're only going to help until her 80th birthday, in the event that she evens lives that long, and that if she's still alive after that, she needs to fend for herself, as most people that age aren't even alive.

Are you a troll or mentally deficient? You keep repeating the same things that no one else believes or finds helpful.

[Anonymous]

There are plenty of things worse than death. Lucky you not to have experience those things.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how old is your mom? If she's younger than 80, then she should probably her in any way you can until she is 80. However, if she is 80 or older, than the mere fact that she's still alive should be good enough for her, as that's longer than most people live, and you should feel no guilt about neglecting her.

WTAF? Put mom out on the street when she hits 80?

Being on the street is better than being dead, so she would still be better off than most people her age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are plenty of things worse than death. Lucky you not to have experience those things.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how old is your mom? If she's younger than 80, then she should probably her in any way you can until she is 80. However, if she is 80 or older, than the mere fact that she's still alive should be good enough for her, as that's longer than most people live, and you should feel no guilt about neglecting her.

WTAF? Put mom out on the street when she hits 80?

Being on the street is better than being dead, so she would still be better off than most people her age.

Even in there are, anyone experiencing those worse things always has the option to die to escape them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is very very hard to read. Easily top five on the scale of not caring.

I would never EVER put my mother on the street or in some drug and crime infested low income housing. WTF is wrong with you people ?

You can replace a husband. You cannot replace your mother. Some of these posts are written in such hateful ways. I shouldn't be shocked but considering how DC is I'm not. And most don't even see what they are saying. Just drop Mom off at a crackhouse. Let her fend for herself.

Wow. It's hard to believe this is the same forum where I read about how parents should let their kids fend for themselves just for dropping out of college, even if they want to go back.

[Anonymous]

There is no way my DH and my mom could live in the same house. We could do it on a temporary basis while we worked towards a good home for her but never permanently. The way I see it is that it's my husband's life too, and his children, and his home. We would never abandon her, however. We would work with her and find her resources for a safe place to live nearby.

While this is neither here nor there, she certainly did not help care for her elderly father before he died.

OP, you aren't abandoning your mother. You are saving your family AND your relationship with her. Good for you.

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one who really needs home to be a place to unwind? If my IL moved in and was hoarding, stressing me out, and causing DH and I to argue, I’d probably just hide in the bedroom and never come out. Life is stressful enough. My downtime at home is necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who really needs home to be a place to unwind? If my IL moved in and was hoarding, stressing me out, and causing DH and I to argue, I’d probably just hide in the bedroom and never come out. Life is stressful enough. My downtime at home is necessary.

I haven't read this whole thread because somehow it's super confusing and it's like there are posts from OP missing that people are responding to, but I guess this one totally. My MIL has moved in with us a couple of times due to poor financial decisions (and a bad shopping habit), and each time I have found myself living in my bedroom, hiding all the time and not even feeling comfortable going into the kitchen to eat something. It's unbearable and I can't live that way. If at some point we have to take her in permanently, it's going to get ugly. I won't live like that again.

[Anonymous]

PP, I meant I "get" that last post, not guess.

[Anonymous]

OP, another possibility, do you have enough money to alter your home to make it more suitable for having her there? DH and I plan to turn part of our house into a mother in law suite if we need to take in my mom someday. It would add to the value of the home, so we see it partly as an investment. We've had some neighbors do it, too, and I have a friend who actually sold her house and moved so she could have a house better suited to her mom living there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, another possibility, do you have enough money to alter your home to make it more suitable for having her there? DH and I plan to turn part of our house into a mother in law suite if we need to take in my mom someday. It would add to the value of the home, so we see it partly as an investment. We've had some neighbors do it, too, and I have a friend who actually sold her house and moved so she could have a house better suited to her mom living there.

Yes great idea OP should spend hundreds of thousands on renovating and expanding to create a separate in law unit so granny has a more spacious area to hoard things. OP should forget about sending her kids to college or saving for her own retirement and go into debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, another possibility, do you have enough money to alter your home to make it more suitable for having her there? DH and I plan to turn part of our house into a mother in law suite if we need to take in my mom someday. It would add to the value of the home, so we see it partly as an investment. We've had some neighbors do it, too, and I have a friend who actually sold her house and moved so she could have a house better suited to her mom living there.

Yes great idea OP should spend hundreds of thousands on renovating and expanding to create a separate in law unit so granny has a more spacious area to hoard things. OP should forget about sending her kids to college or saving for her own retirement and go into debt.

I asked if she had enough money. For us it would be a good solution, and it works for a lot of people. Also, there is such a thing as a homeowners loan, which means you don't have to sacrifice sending kids to college. And you get some of that money back in value add. We don't know her financial situation, or how much equity she has in her home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how old is your mom? If she's younger than 80, then she should probably her in any way you can until she is 80. However, if she is 80 or older, than the mere fact that she's still alive should be good enough for her, as that's longer than most people live, and you should feel no guilt about neglecting her.

WTAF? Put mom out on the street when she hits 80?

I didn't say the OP should force her mother to live on the street against her will. If the OP's mother can afford her own comfort, then she should be allowed to. But if she can't, that's not the OP's problem.

Her elderly mother is her responsibility!

What part of "biology flows downhill" does is so hard to understand? What part of "nobody asked their parents to bring them into the world" is so hard to understand? What part of, "nobody is entitled to live more years than most people" does nobody understand? The OP is not responsible for giving her mother special treatment in helping her live longer than most people.

You are clinically insane. Seek help.