I cannot stop feeling so deeply angry at someone

[Anonymous]

There is evil in this world. When I met my now husband, through some friends, a friend of a friend, who was dating someone else, told my future DH that I was a horrible, easy young woman!
I invited him to a birthday party through these friends, and she told him that I specifically said that HE is not invited. Like I would say, all are invited but he is NOT!
In fact, DH is the only man and always was the only one in my life, I was innocent completely.
I also encountered an abusive narc in the workplace and the way he lies and lies and yells and is a horrible person might seem farfetched to those who never experienced such behavior.

I have moved on from these experiences and now I am wary of people.

[Anonymous]

How about dialectical behavior therapy ( DBT )?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was raped when I was in college. For years I could tell you how many days had passed since it happened. It wasn’t intentional, I wasn’t counting every day. I just knew. It was part of me. For years I was a wreck leading up to the anniversary, couldn’t work or function on that day. I was depressed, I had PTSD, I took medication, was extremely dangerously suicidal, was pulled out of school, was in therapy… eventually I climbed out of the darkest hole but the event still dominated my life even 10 years later.

But then at some point, I realized I didn’t freak out in anticipation of the anniversary. Only on the anniversary itself. Then came a year when it was the day after that I realized the anniversary had passed. Now, almost 30 years later, though I still think about the event more often than I’d like to, the thoughts aren’t painful. The anniversary comes and goes and I can’t remember the last time I noticed it. I don’t even think I notice it in the anniversary month.

It took so so so long to heal and be released from my feelings.

Maybe you just need more time, OP. Wishing you peace and freedom from your anger.

OP here. Thank you so much for this, it gives me hope. I am so sorry for what you went through and still go through. Solidarity, I hope I can find similar peace in the future.

You can! It is just taking more work than you would have thought. It is happening. Some people take longer to learn skills than others. You are learning how to heal.

There must be a way to benefit from the perspective of the experiences described above, in which people were raped or abused at home- the most sacred space. I have not heard that you have tried devoting significant time to those less fortunate. Helping other people could be the gift you give yourself. Sometimes helping others helps you get over yourself. I don’t mean that harshly. But sometimes when I am perseverating over a misfortune or injustice, I interrupt those thoughts by saying to myself, “Get over yourself. It ain’t all about you all the time.” I have had to say it 50 times to in a day when things were raw. Write a short story about this experience. If it’s a bad as you say, it should make a for a great story! Then identify a time when you were horrible to someone, however you would judge it. If you are human it has happened. Write a story about that too. It could take the power or mystery out of his horribleness and put him on the plane of just another human acting badly. He isn’t special either!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The people there were scared to speak up. They weren’t even able to focus on you. They only could worry about themself. Years out you factor little into their memory but their feelings at the time do. That’s what they remember. It’s always hard to accept you aren’t the center of everyone else’s attention but only the center of your own.

and btw reporting someone to CPS and getting them investigated is pretty easy. If they raged at you there is an excellent chance they do the same to their kids and much worse. Even if nothing comes of the situation the investigation itself will be worse time in their life than you experienced and oh and you can also drop a rumor about them being investigated so it gets spread around.

You do not want to do this, as you could get charged with filing a false report. I know someone who did this to a neighbor and they were charged with filing a false report. The person who made the false report ended up having a record, and not the person with children. It is relatively easy to prove. You don't want to go there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have clearly been a victim of narcissistic abuse and your reaction makes sense. One thing I have learned is that we don’t always see the consequences because we aren’t in their inner orbit so we assume they are just living a hunky dory life. I’ve also learned that other people figure this stuff out eventually- it just takes time. I don’t think karma always happens but I do think justice does have its way of coming back around in certain cases (think R Kelly, Harvey Weinstein, Jeffrey Epstein, Bernie Madoff etc etc). I bet you the person who harmed you has a lot of issues and strife you don’t know about. Not that this fixes things but I find it helpful not to think of this stuff in black and white.

+1

If it helps, OP - I guarantee not only do they have a LOT of strife in their life, but that karma is indeed real. Know that. If you think they are doing great, they are not. Just do what you can to distance yourself. Distance yourself from the narcissism, negativity and toxicity. People absolutely know the truth, they are just too chickensh&t to say it out loud. But they know. They absolutely know. I can think of more than one situation like this. Believe me when I say it will work out in your favor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people there were scared to speak up. They weren’t even able to focus on you. They only could worry about themself. Years out you factor little into their memory but their feelings at the time do. That’s what they remember. It’s always hard to accept you aren’t the center of everyone else’s attention but only the center of your own.

and btw reporting someone to CPS and getting them investigated is pretty easy. If they raged at you there is an excellent chance they do the same to their kids and much worse. Even if nothing comes of the situation the investigation itself will be worse time in their life than you experienced and oh and you can also drop a rumor about them being investigated so it gets spread around.

You do not want to do this, as you could get charged with filing a false report. I know someone who did this to a neighbor and they were charged with filing a false report. The person who made the false report ended up having a record, and not the person with children. It is relatively easy to prove. You don't want to go there.

OP here. I would never do this because it could harm children. I might wish this person had their children taken away because they deserve to be punished for their actions (in fact I might think it is best for their kids precisely because I know what they are capable of doing to someone over whom they have a lot of power and control), but I would worry about the impact on innocents of going through that kind of investigation, potentially being moved into the foster care system where abuse is quite common, etc. So I would never do this and I would advise others not to consider it.

Also, if it's so easy to report someone to CPS there would be nothing to stop this person from doing that to me, and in fact I would be fearful of giving them this idea. Calling CPS out of vengeance just seems like a good way to invite someone to call CPS on you to get back at you for calling CPS on them. That's the trap of revenge. In the end the only way to stop it is to "be the bigger person." But let's all just acknowledge being the bigger person is hard and not very fun. Worth it, still not super enjoyable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did the abuse you experienced at work remind you of an older trauma, perhaps in your family of origin? Sometimes that can make the feelings even harder to overcome, and it can be helpful to go back to the roots of it all. I imagine you’ve addressed that with your therapist?

If there’s literally nothing that will East your burden, perhaps radical acceptance is the way to go - understanding that your anger is a natural reaction and learning to co-exist with it in a way that isn’t destructive. It does sound like you’ve been doing that.

I don’t think this guy’s life is as idyllic as you are imagining, OP. Abusers are usually filled with anger and fear, which manifests as a need to control or harm others; that’s something they have to carry with them until their dying day; that’s the way they have chosen to live.

Would you rather be an abuser like them, or someone like yourself, who does not intentionally put terror and fear and rage and pain into the universe? It doesn’t really matter what people think of them - they are carrying pain.

+1

Bingo. OP, what you fail to understand is that the abuser is their own worst enemy. Their minions will nod to the abuser's face, and then do what they want, behind the abuser's back. People don't believe the abuser, they just don't want to be next. You have to realize that one simple truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The people there were scared to speak up. They weren’t even able to focus on you. They only could worry about themself. Years out you factor little into their memory but their feelings at the time do. That’s what they remember. It’s always hard to accept you aren’t the center of everyone else’s attention but only the center of your own.

and btw reporting someone to CPS and getting them investigated is pretty easy. If they raged at you there is an excellent chance they do the same to their kids and much worse. Even if nothing comes of the situation the investigation itself will be worse time in their life than you experienced and oh and you can also drop a rumor about them being investigated so it gets spread around.

You do not want to do this, as you could get charged with filing a false report. I know someone who did this to a neighbor and they were charged with filing a false report. The person who made the false report ended up having a record, and not the person with children. It is relatively easy to prove. You don't want to go there.

OP here. I would never do this because it could harm children. I might wish this person had their children taken away because they deserve to be punished for their actions (in fact I might think it is best for their kids precisely because I know what they are capable of doing to someone over whom they have a lot of power and control), but I would worry about the impact on innocents of going through that kind of investigation, potentially being moved into the foster care system where abuse is quite common, etc. So I would never do this and I would advise others not to consider it.

Also, if it's so easy to report someone to CPS there would be nothing to stop this person from doing that to me, and in fact I would be fearful of giving them this idea. Calling CPS out of vengeance just seems like a good way to invite someone to call CPS on you to get back at you for calling CPS on them. That's the trap of revenge. In the end the only way to stop it is to "be the bigger person." But let's all just acknowledge being the bigger person is hard and not very fun. Worth it, still not super enjoyable.

CPS is well aware of the Petty Housewives Club, and they will not stand for it. One of my best friends is a lead attorney for CPS. They aren't stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried cognitive behavioral therapy. Even if you just did a few sessions, you could learn some techniques to help. It's not about forgiving this person, but just getting to a place where your feelings don't feel overwhelming or like they are controlling you. And, if that doesn't help maybe EDMR?

It sounds like this person is deserving of all the anger you feel and you are right to feel anger, but also your anger is diminishing your quality of life.

Yes. I have done all the therapies: talk therapy, CBT, DBT, EMDR, tapping, meditation, mindfulness training. I have put more effort into this than you understand. That's a big part of why I am so angry. I have had to dedicate an enormous amount of energy to therapy and healing to get over something that, quite honestly, this person should just be punished and publicly scorned for.

That's the waste. People telling to go outside and enjoy the nice weather with my kids? I do that ish all the time and this garbage, these feelings, follow me there. BECAUSE THIS PERSON BROKE ME. And there are no consequences. All of the consequences are mine.

The world is garbage, I'm sorry if this is news for you.

I get it OP. This is what it means to be violated. The perpetrator moves on and the victim suffers. I understand the bottomless pit of fury and rage. I feel it too. I wish them harm. I want to destroy them. I could actually do them serious harm but doing so would also harm me so I have not. I’ve talked to a lawyer about suing. He says I have a case. I am contemplating just going to the person directly and asking for compensation but am worried it would be perceived as blackmail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This person is not worth the energy you are putting into your anger.

And that anger is giving this person a prime spot, THE prime spot, in your mental real estate, OP. In essence this person is, to put it crudely, "winning" against you, even after the abuse is long over, by taking up so much of your emotional and mental time and energy.

For those reasons, this stranger is begging you to get back into therapy, or, if you're still in therapy, to tell your therapist more fully exactly what you told us here. Maybe change therapists if you have one but for some reason aren't being this frank with the therapist as you are anonymously here. We can advise all day, and you'll get posts asking you for more and more details here "so we can help you better" etc. (often these come from people who just get kicks out of all the gory details--don't feed those beasts). But you need to see a professional to evict this person from your mind. Your life is being impaired and that gives this person power over you. I won't say, "Just stop giving this person power over you" becuase it is so hard to do that on one's own. See a new therapist, or tell your current one your whole, raw, angry truth, or restart therapy if you've stopped it, but you need help to take back your life and thoughts. You deserve to have your true self back and that cannot happen with just venting to strangers online. Please, please get help.

You don't get it. My therapist knows I feel this way. Have you ever been through this? If not, you don't get it.

And yes, I'm aware that this person is winning, that they have won. That's the whole point. No matter what I do I can never get back what they took.

Also, I'm not sharing any details here, I'm not stupid.

I am not in the same boat but my therapy has only amplified my bitter feelings. I think we could both be helped by seeking healing in another outlet.

DP. You said upthread that you have learned that you must express feelings to be able to move past them but many people have the experience that expressing negative feelings increases them and is not the solution.

The way to let negative feelings go is to let them go, not to focus on them and give them more power through expression.

You are not responding to a post by the OP but I am tending to lean into what you are saying. The problem is too much baggage. It's like how hard it is to cut family off when you still have tons of ties that bind in other ways. Can you let go of bad feelings for an abusive teacher if you still see them in the hallway every school day? People often side against a victim because the victim is so upset, never mind they didn't ask for any of it in the first place. The guy that rocks the boat is annoying but the person who rocks the boat back is looked down on even more.

The issue is that when you have strong negative feelings and share them, and the response is "you need to let them go," if the person cannot let them go (which is common if you're talking about trauma), then instead what you are really saying is "bottle those feelings up and don't take about them anymore." Which is toxic AF.

There are very limited spaces in the world where you can say stuff like this. In therapy, maaaaaaybe with very close friends and family (but even that is dicy because most peopel are just not able to hold emotions like this and it will freak them out to see someone they love express this stuff, it's just really rare to have a support network that can handle this unless you are paying them), and then on an anonymous site like this. Maybe a support group IF you can find one, they are actually hard to find.

Which is why "you need to let it go" is just such useless advice. How? When you have been harmed like this, you can try to think about other things, you can exercise, meditate, whatever. At some point you are going to wind up thinking about what happened and you're going to feel how you feel.

Just where exactly is it that you folks think all these negative feelings go?

It is totally useless advice. Next comes the lecture about why do you see yourself as a victim? Well, because you were victimized. The only productive approach is to stop inviting people to take advantage of you. You were genuinely victimized. Victim has become a dirty shameful word and it’s all about not enforcing accountability for perpetrators.

[Anonymous]

I felt the same about someone who betrayed me and I felt just like you. I went out and bought a baseball bat and some watermelons and took them to backyard and whacked the living daylights out of them and I screamed at the person using the watermelons for him. It helped a lot. After that I got up 15 minutes early everyday and spent that time praying for me to forgive because forgiveness is a gift to me.

It took two years but one day I realized that I no longer thought about this person. I had won.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried a different tact and asked yourself if there’s perhaps something you’re getting out of holding onto these feelings? Is it allowing you to avoid other, scarier feelings? Often, we hold onto negativity because it’s serving a purpose, and when you can figure that out and identify it directly, the trauma memory might loosen its hold on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are waiting for that “something bad” to happen to this person so you can let go. How will your mindset change if you found out any of these things about them:

They are arrested for tax fraud and facing jail time
They have a terminal disease
Their loved ones experienced the same thing you did by someone else

Would it make it easier for you to move on? What if someone said to you with certainty that one of the above things will happen in 5 years, will that make your days easier?

This actually did happen to my abuser many years later. I am not a religious person but I sometimes think a deity handled it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are waiting for that “something bad” to happen to this person so you can let go. How will your mindset change if you found out any of these things about them:

They are arrested for tax fraud and facing jail time
They have a terminal disease
Their loved ones experienced the same thing you did by someone else

Would it make it easier for you to move on? What if someone said to you with certainty that one of the above things will happen in 5 years, will that make your days easier?

None of those things would make me feel better and no, I am not waiting for something bad to happen to this person.

I would feel better if what they did to me was acknowledged and they were punished for it, but that's not going to happen. Thus: anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This person is not worth the energy you are putting into your anger.

And that anger is giving this person a prime spot, THE prime spot, in your mental real estate, OP. In essence this person is, to put it crudely, "winning" against you, even after the abuse is long over, by taking up so much of your emotional and mental time and energy.

For those reasons, this stranger is begging you to get back into therapy, or, if you're still in therapy, to tell your therapist more fully exactly what you told us here. Maybe change therapists if you have one but for some reason aren't being this frank with the therapist as you are anonymously here. We can advise all day, and you'll get posts asking you for more and more details here "so we can help you better" etc. (often these come from people who just get kicks out of all the gory details--don't feed those beasts). But you need to see a professional to evict this person from your mind. Your life is being impaired and that gives this person power over you. I won't say, "Just stop giving this person power over you" becuase it is so hard to do that on one's own. See a new therapist, or tell your current one your whole, raw, angry truth, or restart therapy if you've stopped it, but you need help to take back your life and thoughts. You deserve to have your true self back and that cannot happen with just venting to strangers online. Please, please get help.

You don't get it. My therapist knows I feel this way. Have you ever been through this? If not, you don't get it.

And yes, I'm aware that this person is winning, that they have won. That's the whole point. No matter what I do I can never get back what they took.

Also, I'm not sharing any details here, I'm not stupid.

I am not in the same boat but my therapy has only amplified my bitter feelings. I think we could both be helped by seeking healing in another outlet.

DP. You said upthread that you have learned that you must express feelings to be able to move past them but many people have the experience that expressing negative feelings increases them and is not the solution.

The way to let negative feelings go is to let them go, not to focus on them and give them more power through expression.

You are not responding to a post by the OP but I am tending to lean into what you are saying. The problem is too much baggage. It's like how hard it is to cut family off when you still have tons of ties that bind in other ways. Can you let go of bad feelings for an abusive teacher if you still see them in the hallway every school day? People often side against a victim because the victim is so upset, never mind they didn't ask for any of it in the first place. The guy that rocks the boat is annoying but the person who rocks the boat back is looked down on even more.

The issue is that when you have strong negative feelings and share them, and the response is "you need to let them go," if the person cannot let them go (which is common if you're talking about trauma), then instead what you are really saying is "bottle those feelings up and don't take about them anymore." Which is toxic AF.

There are very limited spaces in the world where you can say stuff like this. In therapy, maaaaaaybe with very close friends and family (but even that is dicy because most peopel are just not able to hold emotions like this and it will freak them out to see someone they love express this stuff, it's just really rare to have a support network that can handle this unless you are paying them), and then on an anonymous site like this. Maybe a support group IF you can find one, they are actually hard to find.

Which is why "you need to let it go" is just such useless advice. How? When you have been harmed like this, you can try to think about other things, you can exercise, meditate, whatever. At some point you are going to wind up thinking about what happened and you're going to feel how you feel.

Just where exactly is it that you folks think all these negative feelings go?

It is totally useless advice. Next comes the lecture about why do you see yourself as a victim? Well, because you were victimized. The only productive approach is to stop inviting people to take advantage of you. You were genuinely victimized. Victim has become a dirty shameful word and it’s all about not enforcing accountability for perpetrators.

+1, the comments about "you need to get out of this victim mentality" make me mad because is anyone telling the abuser, condescendingly, "you need to get out of this abuser mentality."

It's not a mentality. If someone harms you, you're a victim. I'm a believer in the power of language and embrace using the term "survivor" over victim and I totally agree we need to find ways to facilitate survivors feeling empowered to make changes and take control. But the truth is that if someone hurts you and gets away with it, you feel powerless because you have been stripped of power. Expecting someone in that situation to believe they actually are powerful when their abuser and the people who facilitated, ignored, or covered up the abuse have provided copious evidence to the contrary is not a realistic expectation. When people succeed at this, you should be wowed by them. When people fail at it, you should be understanding.

If you want to yell at someone, yell at abusers.