I cannot stop feeling so deeply angry at someone

[Anonymous]

Things that helped me when I was targeted by malicious gossip and humiliated in a work situation and had PTSD for YEARS:
1. I made the decision mentally that all of the people involved, including people I had thought were my friends, were not material to my life.. I was never going to get their loyalty, maybe they’d never liked me for all I knew, but I put them all in the same bucket. Simply people who don’t like me, but also have no ability to harm me further because I no longer had anything to do with them. I also reminded myself that I didn’t like them.
2. I focused on strengthening my own sense of self. I worked to accomplish goals I’d neglected while trying to sort out the hostile work situation. It took a long time to reset the power dynamic but I suddenly was an equal professionally. When I felt less subordinate, even though I was in a different workplace, I felt less angry.
3. I made meaning out of what happened to me. I thought about what I had learned and used that knowledge to help others in the same situation.
4. Not gonna lie, I wasn’t overt in any way, but I found ways over the years to subtly undermine them. But mostly they undid themselves.
5. Radical acceptance. I stopped trying to be less angry. I figured the feelings would burn themselves out, and while it took years, that did happen.
6. For me, the movie Stutz was helpful. It’s about Jonah Hill’s therapist. I think you will relate to it. Pay attention to the scene that involves sending love to the person you hate. In the abstract that might sound horrible, but it makes sense when you watch the movie. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This person is not worth the energy you are putting into your anger.

And that anger is giving this person a prime spot, THE prime spot, in your mental real estate, OP. In essence this person is, to put it crudely, "winning" against you, even after the abuse is long over, by taking up so much of your emotional and mental time and energy.

For those reasons, this stranger is begging you to get back into therapy, or, if you're still in therapy, to tell your therapist more fully exactly what you told us here. Maybe change therapists if you have one but for some reason aren't being this frank with the therapist as you are anonymously here. We can advise all day, and you'll get posts asking you for more and more details here "so we can help you better" etc. (often these come from people who just get kicks out of all the gory details--don't feed those beasts). But you need to see a professional to evict this person from your mind. Your life is being impaired and that gives this person power over you. I won't say, "Just stop giving this person power over you" becuase it is so hard to do that on one's own. See a new therapist, or tell your current one your whole, raw, angry truth, or restart therapy if you've stopped it, but you need help to take back your life and thoughts. You deserve to have your true self back and that cannot happen with just venting to strangers online. Please, please get help.

You don't get it. My therapist knows I feel this way. Have you ever been through this? If not, you don't get it.

And yes, I'm aware that this person is winning, that they have won. That's the whole point. No matter what I do I can never get back what they took.

Also, I'm not sharing any details here, I'm not stupid.

I have no advice, but want to tell you how sorry I am OP. Big hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’ve clearly learned to embrace being a victim within drama triangles and for this reason have maintained the stories in your head that keep you in that place. So who did you learn that from? What is it going to take to drop the stories and change your life? Because I promise you that we all have crap that’s happened in our lives. Your experience is not special. No matter how terrible your experience was, it wasn’t the worst. And we all have to choose how we manage life.

+100
This exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Things that helped me when I was targeted by malicious gossip and humiliated in a work situation and had PTSD for YEARS:
1. I made the decision mentally that all of the people involved, including people I had thought were my friends, were not material to my life.. I was never going to get their loyalty, maybe they’d never liked me for all I knew, but I put them all in the same bucket. Simply people who don’t like me, but also have no ability to harm me further because I no longer had anything to do with them. I also reminded myself that I didn’t like them.
2. I focused on strengthening my own sense of self. I worked to accomplish goals I’d neglected while trying to sort out the hostile work situation. It took a long time to reset the power dynamic but I suddenly was an equal professionally. When I felt less subordinate, even though I was in a different workplace, I felt less angry.
3. I made meaning out of what happened to me. I thought about what I had learned and used that knowledge to help others in the same situation.
4. Not gonna lie, I wasn’t overt in any way, but I found ways over the years to subtly undermine them. But mostly they undid themselves.
5. Radical acceptance. I stopped trying to be less angry. I figured the feelings would burn themselves out, and while it took years, that did happen.
6. For me, the movie Stutz was helpful. It’s about Jonah Hill’s therapist. I think you will relate to it. Pay attention to the scene that involves sending love to the person you hate. In the abstract that might sound horrible, but it makes sense when you watch the movie. Good luck!

Thanks for this. I am not OP but also went through a terrible workplace bullying incident. I can relate to OP. How she feels but also recognise that family and friends start to worry when I continually bring it up.

What makes me sad is that the person that bullied me is doing really well now professionally. They have stomped all over people to get there but it has helped not hindered their career. I like to think that their terrible behaviour will be their undoing at some point but have to come to terms that this may not be the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This person is not worth the energy you are putting into your anger.

That's not how it works. If I could choose to stop being angry and "let it go" I would. Trust me, I've tried.

The anger of being made to feel worthless is a very, very specific thing.

Years later? Yes, it is how it works.

You are perseverating. It is unhealthy and not serving you whatsoever. Change therapists or modalities of therapy. What you’re doing now clearly isn’t working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried cognitive behavioral therapy. Even if you just did a few sessions, you could learn some techniques to help. It's not about forgiving this person, but just getting to a place where your feelings don't feel overwhelming or like they are controlling you. And, if that doesn't help maybe EDMR?

It sounds like this person is deserving of all the anger you feel and you are right to feel anger, but also your anger is diminishing your quality of life.

Yes. I have done all the therapies: talk therapy, CBT, DBT, EMDR, tapping, meditation, mindfulness training. I have put more effort into this than you understand. That's a big part of why I am so angry. I have had to dedicate an enormous amount of energy to therapy and healing to get over something that, quite honestly, this person should just be punished and publicly scorned for.

That's the waste. People telling to go outside and enjoy the nice weather with my kids? I do that ish all the time and this garbage, these feelings, follow me there. BECAUSE THIS PERSON BROKE ME. And there are no consequences. All of the consequences are mine.

The world is garbage, I'm sorry if this is news for you.

So you’ve embraced your identity as a helpless victim. OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This person is not worth the energy you are putting into your anger.

And that anger is giving this person a prime spot, THE prime spot, in your mental real estate, OP. In essence this person is, to put it crudely, "winning" against you, even after the abuse is long over, by taking up so much of your emotional and mental time and energy.

For those reasons, this stranger is begging you to get back into therapy, or, if you're still in therapy, to tell your therapist more fully exactly what you told us here. Maybe change therapists if you have one but for some reason aren't being this frank with the therapist as you are anonymously here. We can advise all day, and you'll get posts asking you for more and more details here "so we can help you better" etc. (often these come from people who just get kicks out of all the gory details--don't feed those beasts). But you need to see a professional to evict this person from your mind. Your life is being impaired and that gives this person power over you. I won't say, "Just stop giving this person power over you" becuase it is so hard to do that on one's own. See a new therapist, or tell your current one your whole, raw, angry truth, or restart therapy if you've stopped it, but you need help to take back your life and thoughts. You deserve to have your true self back and that cannot happen with just venting to strangers online. Please, please get help.

You don't get it. My therapist knows I feel this way. Have you ever been through this? If not, you don't get it.

And yes, I'm aware that this person is winning, that they have won. That's the whole point. No matter what I do I can never get back what they took.

Also, I'm not sharing any details here, I'm not stupid.

I am not in the same boat but my therapy has only amplified my bitter feelings. I think we could both be helped by seeking healing in another outlet.

DP. You said upthread that you have learned that you must express feelings to be able to move past them but many people have the experience that expressing negative feelings increases them and is not the solution.

The way to let negative feelings go is to let them go, not to focus on them and give them more power through expression.

You say this like it's fact but (1) it's just your opinion and as far as I know it's based on literally nothing, and (2) there's actually a lot of evidence to the contrary.

If you can't sit with these uncomfortable feelings then get out of the thread. In this thread I am expressing my "negative feelings" today.

It’s not “your thread” and you aren’t the board monitor. People don’t have to respond only in ways you like or want. Scroll on by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are seriously wasting good years of your life. Go out and enjoy being with your kids, find things you love and invest your time and energy in those.

This stuff will destroy you and leave you a bitter husk of a human.

Take a deep breath and compartmentalise. Put it behind you, focus on the next things, all the wonderful, positive things you can find.

Good luck.

You are not listening, but thank you for calling me a "bitter husk of a human." Vivid and hurtful. Good luck to you too.

Your reading comprehension is terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have made your whole identity a victim. Some people only know how to be miserable. You are making a choice.

I hope you never experience anything that would make you realize how dumb this statement is.

If you met me, you'd assume I was a relatively happy, highly functional working mom with a good life outlook and a nice family. No one in my life thinks I have a "victim identity". People are so afraid of "victim identity" that they cannot deal with the fact that some harm is deep and lasting and hard, if not impossible to get over, so those of us who are survivors of that kind of harm have to walk around acting "normal" or be labeled a "victim" and treated like garbage all over again.

I’m not that PP, and you may be putting on a front with others in your life, but INTERNALLY, yes, you have made your entire identity being a victim, and you double down on it more with each reply you post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’ve clearly learned to embrace being a victim within drama triangles and for this reason have maintained the stories in your head that keep you in that place. So who did you learn that from? What is it going to take to drop the stories and change your life? Because I promise you that we all have crap that’s happened in our lives. Your experience is not special. No matter how terrible your experience was, it wasn’t the worst. And we all have to choose how we manage life.

Stop trying to be a therapist, you are bad at it.

They aren’t “trying to be a therapist” and they are correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’ve clearly learned to embrace being a victim within drama triangles and for this reason have maintained the stories in your head that keep you in that place. So who did you learn that from? What is it going to take to drop the stories and change your life? Because I promise you that we all have crap that’s happened in our lives. Your experience is not special. No matter how terrible your experience was, it wasn’t the worst. And we all have to choose how we manage life.

Stop trying to be a therapist, you are bad at it.

Nah, she wasn't being a therapist. She was just stating facts.

It's victim blaming pablum is what it is. There's nothing useful in that.

Nope. But again, here’s the Victim As Entire Personality narrative.

[Anonymous]

The person you are angry with is yourself, for not knowing better. And instead of finding a way to forgive yourself, you are wasting energy on holding the other person accountable and in a way letting her continue to humiliate you.

I would start by being honest without self. “I am choosing to be angry in order to avoiding feeling….” And see what happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:YOu should tell on them!

I think thats the problem, you are keeping their secret - and why?

Write a letter, see a lawyer, sue them.

I didn't keep their secret. I told on them and it was dismissed. I can't go into details but it is a huge part of why I am so angry. A lot of people chose to turn their heads away rather than deal with what someone close to them did. This event destroyed many relationships and changed my life forever.

I've learned a lot about personality disorders. Or it could just be evil.

Have you heard of narcissism, flying monkeys, goat scape, gaslight, final discard, and public smear campaign? Do any of those terms ring a bell for you?

Most likely your narcissist used flying monkeys (the characters in the Wizard of Oz) as a support network to launch a public smear campaign against you. When you identified a narcissist, the mask of the narcissist slipped, and that made you an even greater target who had to be eliminated at all cost. I found arming myself with knowledge about narcissism and narcissistic abuse helped a lot. I found so much information, enough to realize I am not the only person who has experienced this.

One concept I learned is to never expose the narcissist. It won't end well for you, unless of course the person is committing crimes. Then gather your proof and report to the authorities. Don't expect the flying monkeys to suddenly turn on the narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are seriously wasting good years of your life. Go out and enjoy being with your kids, find things you love and invest your time and energy in those.

This stuff will destroy you and leave you a bitter husk of a human.

Take a deep breath and compartmentalise. Put it behind you, focus on the next things, all the wonderful, positive things you can find.

Good luck.

You are not listening, but thank you for calling me a "bitter husk of a human." Vivid and hurtful. Good luck to you too.

Maybe pp didn’t hear you the way you wanted to be heard. But they did not call you a bitter husk. And they wished you good things. Your did not hear them either. And you were mean about it.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, one thing that helps me that won't help you, is that I do have a faith. I do believe in good and evil. I believe in God and the devil. I also believe that people can be evil. It helps me so much to believe that God sees everything. This evil narcissistic abusive person cannot hide from the eyes of God.

And yes, I take great satisfaction in knowing this person will burn in hell for all of eternity because they will not make amends.

And the funny thing is, the people who I've encountered in my life at least who are the most evil are usually the most outwardly religious. They just don't practice their religion or faith other than an outward display of going to church every week. They must not believe there is an afterlife.

If they did, the thought of eternal damnation and burning in the fires of hell, would lead them to some penance or act of contrition.

I will secretly say to myself, "Burn in hell."