I cannot stop feeling so deeply angry at someone

[Anonymous]

They were abusive to me and then when I finally stood up to them, they humiliated me in a public way and people who should know better took their side and I wound up withdrawing and feeling worthless and basically have not seen any of those people since. It's been years.

I can't let go of my anger at this person. Just the layers of what they did, first taking advantage of a position of authority over me to be absuive, and then taking advantage of that some authority to humiliate me. The day that happened is the lowest point of my life and if I didn't have kids I think I would have killed myself that day.

I am coming up on an anniversary of that event and I find myself crying every day, I can't focus on work, all those feelings of worthlessness just keep coming back and it's so hard to fight them off. Yes, I have been in therapy, I have gotten treatment for this, I have tools to manage.

But I am SO ANGRY at this person for doing this to me. It feels like they targeted me because they could sense I was vulnerable. I also think when I stood up to them, they were so threatened by the truth of what I said that they went right for the jugular and verbally destroyed me in a way I still think about regularly.

I want to go to their house and scream in their face, I want to send them 10,000 postcards that say "YOU SUCK", I want to take out an ad in the paper explaining what a garbage person they were to me, I want to sue them until they don't have any money and they lose their house and CPS takes their kids away. I want to do to them what they did to me, take away their will to live and make them feel like they are nothing, less than nothing, so unworthy of respect or love that there is no point in moving forward.

I'm not going to do any of these things because I recognize it would all just come back on me, make me look crazy (I feel crazy, that's part of it, I feel crazy for having been through this and there being zero consequences for this person and for me to have to suffer all the consequences of what they did). But I want to. I just feel really, really angry and I want everyone to know what happened.

Most people would probably just shrug and say "get over it, it was a long time ago." And knowing that makes me even more angry.

I don't even think I'm looking for advice, I just needed to share HOW FREAKING ANGRY I AM about this thing that I have to walk around and act like didn't happen for the rest of my life.

I don't believe in hell but I wish it did so that I could envision this person burning in it. I think the idea of divine retribution would be a relief. But in reality they are just going to live a nice life with a supportive family and friends who will overlook this grotesque thing they did (it's too scary for them to confront it) and then die a peaceful death and people will say nice things about them at their funeral.

The world is an unjust place.

[Anonymous]

I see this enough to agree that the world is unjust (in many other ways too). It's often the people who bring in discord, drama, gossip and take advantage of others that go on content and happily living consequence free. Their victims struggle in silence and shame despite never asking for any of it.

[Anonymous]

What was your relationship to this person?

[Anonymous]

This person is not worth the energy you are putting into your anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This person is not worth the energy you are putting into your anger.

That's not how it works. If I could choose to stop being angry and "let it go" I would. Trust me, I've tried.

The anger of being made to feel worthless is a very, very specific thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This person is not worth the energy you are putting into your anger.

And that anger is giving this person a prime spot, THE prime spot, in your mental real estate, OP. In essence this person is, to put it crudely, "winning" against you, even after the abuse is long over, by taking up so much of your emotional and mental time and energy.

For those reasons, this stranger is begging you to get back into therapy, or, if you're still in therapy, to tell your therapist more fully exactly what you told us here. Maybe change therapists if you have one but for some reason aren't being this frank with the therapist as you are anonymously here. We can advise all day, and you'll get posts asking you for more and more details here "so we can help you better" etc. (often these come from people who just get kicks out of all the gory details--don't feed those beasts). But you need to see a professional to evict this person from your mind. Your life is being impaired and that gives this person power over you. I won't say, "Just stop giving this person power over you" becuase it is so hard to do that on one's own. See a new therapist, or tell your current one your whole, raw, angry truth, or restart therapy if you've stopped it, but you need help to take back your life and thoughts. You deserve to have your true self back and that cannot happen with just venting to strangers online. Please, please get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This person is not worth the energy you are putting into your anger.

That's not how it works. If I could choose to stop being angry and "let it go" I would. Trust me, I've tried.

The anger of being made to feel worthless is a very, very specific thing.

You don't have to stop being angry, but you have to stop putting energy into it. You spent time typing several paragraphs into DCUM. You could have used that time to go for a run, watch a funny show, enjoy your children or the DC spring weather, etc. You can't control your thoughts, but you can control your actions and respond in healthy ways.
I'm rooting for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This person is not worth the energy you are putting into your anger.

And that anger is giving this person a prime spot, THE prime spot, in your mental real estate, OP. In essence this person is, to put it crudely, "winning" against you, even after the abuse is long over, by taking up so much of your emotional and mental time and energy.

For those reasons, this stranger is begging you to get back into therapy, or, if you're still in therapy, to tell your therapist more fully exactly what you told us here. Maybe change therapists if you have one but for some reason aren't being this frank with the therapist as you are anonymously here. We can advise all day, and you'll get posts asking you for more and more details here "so we can help you better" etc. (often these come from people who just get kicks out of all the gory details--don't feed those beasts). But you need to see a professional to evict this person from your mind. Your life is being impaired and that gives this person power over you. I won't say, "Just stop giving this person power over you" becuase it is so hard to do that on one's own. See a new therapist, or tell your current one your whole, raw, angry truth, or restart therapy if you've stopped it, but you need help to take back your life and thoughts. You deserve to have your true self back and that cannot happen with just venting to strangers online. Please, please get help.

You don't get it. My therapist knows I feel this way. Have you ever been through this? If not, you don't get it.

And yes, I'm aware that this person is winning, that they have won. That's the whole point. No matter what I do I can never get back what they took.

Also, I'm not sharing any details here, I'm not stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This person is not worth the energy you are putting into your anger.

That's not how it works. If I could choose to stop being angry and "let it go" I would. Trust me, I've tried.

The anger of being made to feel worthless is a very, very specific thing.

NP. I get it, OP. I am very close to someone who was treated badly and abusively (physically and verbally) for years. They are now very angry about it (and have every right to be). But their anger is hurting them. Your anger is hurting you. You have every right to be angry, but it's been years now, you have proved to yourself that you're not worthless. And you need to find a way to move on, to forget if you can't forgive. You're not worthless, so you need to let go of the anger, set it down, walk away from it.

[Anonymous]

This is nuts. You know the anniversary and cry about it daily and cannot do work? Because someone embarrassed you? Guessing this is a superior. This behavior is not even close to within the range of normal unless you still work there, in that case get a new job immediately. If not, please seek help. Your reaction is completely inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried cognitive behavioral therapy. Even if you just did a few sessions, you could learn some techniques to help. It's not about forgiving this person, but just getting to a place where your feelings don't feel overwhelming or like they are controlling you. And, if that doesn't help maybe EDMR?

It sounds like this person is deserving of all the anger you feel and you are right to feel anger, but also your anger is diminishing your quality of life.

[Anonymous]

“Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from the inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves."

[Anonymous]

Wow. I wish you healing so you can move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This person is not worth the energy you are putting into your anger.

That's not how it works. If I could choose to stop being angry and "let it go" I would. Trust me, I've tried.

The anger of being made to feel worthless is a very, very specific thing.

You don't have to stop being angry, but you have to stop putting energy into it. You spent time typing several paragraphs into DCUM. You could have used that time to go for a run, watch a funny show, enjoy your children or the DC spring weather, etc. You can't control your thoughts, but you can control your actions and respond in healthy ways.
I'm rooting for you.

Another person who doesn't get it.

These feelings are HUGE and overwhelming. If I have learned one thing in therapy, it is that you cannot just ignore huge, overwhelming feelings. You have to express them. I express them in therapy, I write them in my journal, I am writing them here because it makes me feel better to express my immense rage at the person who did this. I can go for a walk or watch a movie or exercise and it doesn't change any of this or the way that I feel.

I get you are trying to be helpful but I only came her to express my feelings about this injustice that I have to suck up and live with for my whole life, that has caused me to spend thousands of dollars on therapy. This person did that. I have worked my a$$ off trying to heal myself and move forward, and I basically have moved forward in my life. But I do not think I will ever get over what they did to me, emotionally. I don't think it's possible.

Again if you've never been abused and humiliated like this, I think it is very easy to say things like "don't give them power" or "don't waste your time on them" like this is a choice I am making. None of this is a choice, I never had a choice in any of this from the moment it started.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This person is not worth the energy you are putting into your anger.

And that anger is giving this person a prime spot, THE prime spot, in your mental real estate, OP. In essence this person is, to put it crudely, "winning" against you, even after the abuse is long over, by taking up so much of your emotional and mental time and energy.

For those reasons, this stranger is begging you to get back into therapy, or, if you're still in therapy, to tell your therapist more fully exactly what you told us here. Maybe change therapists if you have one but for some reason aren't being this frank with the therapist as you are anonymously here. We can advise all day, and you'll get posts asking you for more and more details here "so we can help you better" etc. (often these come from people who just get kicks out of all the gory details--don't feed those beasts). But you need to see a professional to evict this person from your mind. Your life is being impaired and that gives this person power over you. I won't say, "Just stop giving this person power over you" becuase it is so hard to do that on one's own. See a new therapist, or tell your current one your whole, raw, angry truth, or restart therapy if you've stopped it, but you need help to take back your life and thoughts. You deserve to have your true self back and that cannot happen with just venting to strangers online. Please, please get help.

You don't get it. My therapist knows I feel this way. Have you ever been through this? If not, you don't get it.

And yes, I'm aware that this person is winning, that they have won. That's the whole point. No matter what I do I can never get back what they took.

Also, I'm not sharing any details here, I'm not stupid.

I am not in the same boat but my therapy has only amplified my bitter feelings. I think we could both be helped by seeking healing in another outlet.