I cannot stop feeling so deeply angry at someone

[Anonymous]

OP - I have only read the first three pages. I want to suggest a podcast where you may find solidarity, some practical ways to approach/contextualize what happened and hope for coming out the other side.

Navigating Narcisism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has got to be one of the most tedious threads ever.

Yeah, I kinda agree.

[Anonymous]

I hope the person who did this to OP gets painfully maimed and has to go through life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, how are you feeling after reading all these opinions and advice?

I found the exercise useful. Just getting it out was helpful and a lot of the responses from peopel who identify and have experienced similar challenges really helped me feel less alone.

I actually also even find it useful, to a point, to engage with the critics or people who give advice I think is bad or unhelpful. Because even just being able to articulate why I think that criticism is unfair or why a very common bit of advice actually doesn't help someone in my position at all helps me to express some of the frustration and anger I feel over this situation. So it's like a form of power, just having the knowledge of self and of my situation to be able to say "no you are wrong" and calmly explain why.

The actual anniversary is not for another week and a half or so but I think this was a good way for me to get out some of the extra "ick" feelings that came up. It will probably also make my therapy session next week more productive because it has helped me to clarify some feelings and thoughts. The sounding board aspect is really useful for that.

Anyway, thanks for the listening ears, all. Even the ones I disagreed with or who think I'm just stuck in a victim mentality or whatever. Sometimes it really is enough to just talk it out.

Thanks for responding. You are resilient and you will recover fully from this in time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has got to be one of the most tedious threads ever.

Yeah, I kinda agree.

Then stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I say this with nothing but love. One verbal exchange, even a humiliating one, is not grounds for someone to be killed or to have their will to live taken away. It's not grounds to take their kids or anything else you mentioned. I am a bit concerned that you may misinterpret the lovely messages of support you've gotten as proof that your intense wishes for harm to befall this person are appropriate. If this person had murdered your child or something like that, your post would be emotionally on key and appropriate. But lots of people get into verbal tiffs, and it isn't a death sentence. Don't. Do. Anything. Harmful.

I’m going to take the OP’s word for it that it was that bad.

It wasn't "they should die for it" bad. Especially since OP's own story is that everyone sided with the villain. It doesn't add up. Not saying OP wasn't traumatized or that their hurt isn't valid. But this isn't about hurt, this Is about an all consuming desire for vengeance.

DP. This was my interpretation as well, that it was all verbal, not physical abuse. And that the humiliation after OP confronted them was what she was struggling to recover from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. I say this with nothing but love. One verbal exchange, even a humiliating one, is not grounds for someone to be killed or to have their will to live taken away. It's not grounds to take their kids or anything else you mentioned. I am a bit concerned that you may misinterpret the lovely messages of support you've gotten as proof that your intense wishes for harm to befall this person are appropriate. If this person had murdered your child or something like that, your post would be emotionally on key and appropriate. But lots of people get into verbal tiffs, and it isn't a death sentence. Don't. Do. Anything. Harmful.

OP here. A few things:

(1) It was not one verbal exchange or a “verbal tiff.” It was a years long pattern of abusive behavior, including physical abuse. The emotional trigger I’m experiencing is from finally standing up to this person after years of tolerating their abuse and being humiliated in that interaction. Yes, that is trauma. Stop minimizing.

(2) I have not once stated that I planned to do anything harmful to this person. Not once. I do wish them harm because a big part of them wants them to suffer as they made me to suffer. But unlike them, I’m not abusive. I don’t actually want to hurt people or humiliate them. Truthfully, even if I had a sure fire way to make them feel as I did, I wouldn’t do it because I would never want to be responsible for hurting someone the way I’ve been hurt.

(3) The two points above are a major source of my anger. I was harmed in a serious and traumatic way, and I cannot give back in kind because it violates my personal ethical code. And I can’t get social justice because this person was/is in a position of power and authority, and as is always the case when such people do terrible things, is protected by people who benefit from the current power dynamics. They will tie themselves into knots to justify, explain, and recontextualize this person’s behavior to make their silence and inaction seem ok. One tactic they use often is minimizing, like you’ve done here. It was just one incident. It was just a verbal tiff.

Worrying about my “doing something” while simultaneously dismissing my anger as somehow outsized to what I experienced (while conveniently overlooking anything I’ve written that would indicate that this was more than a “single verbal exchange”) is not surprising to me, but I am so, so tired of it. Someone else did awful things to me that I’d never in a million years do to another person, but you’re scared of ME because I’m mad about it. Brilliant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I say this with nothing but love. One verbal exchange, even a humiliating one, is not grounds for someone to be killed or to have their will to live taken away. It's not grounds to take their kids or anything else you mentioned. I am a bit concerned that you may misinterpret the lovely messages of support you've gotten as proof that your intense wishes for harm to befall this person are appropriate. If this person had murdered your child or something like that, your post would be emotionally on key and appropriate. But lots of people get into verbal tiffs, and it isn't a death sentence. Don't. Do. Anything. Harmful.

I’m going to take the OP’s word for it that it was that bad.

It wasn't "they should die for it" bad. Especially since OP's own story is that everyone sided with the villain. It doesn't add up. Not saying OP wasn't traumatized or that their hurt isn't valid. But this isn't about hurt, this Is about an all consuming desire for vengeance.

I get where you're coming from. I have a family member with this mentality. You could tell her you don't like her shoes, and she'd respond that she hopes you get terminal cancer. We've long suspected she suffers from a personality disorder but she refuses treatment because she doesn't see a problem. In her mind, once you wrong her, it's all fair game. I don't think this is the case with OP.

FWIW, I don't know how helpful it is to tell someone, "hey, x has it way worse, so you can't feel angry/vindictive/etc." Maybe as an outside observer we can objectively think that, but I personally have not found it a helpful exercise in my own healing. I do, however, find it helpful to wish harm on my childhood abuser.

[Anonymous]

If society actually held people accountable for abuse, we wouldn’t have this problem of “oh no what if the victims of abuse get big mad and actually treat abusers the way they’ve been treated! The horror!”

Literally the #metoo movement was just people who had been abused standing up and saying it out loud and asking that their abusers be removed from positions of authority where they could continue to do it to other people, and it took like 29 minutes before people were like “whoa whoa whoa, this is going too far— do you want to RUIN these people’s lives? The made one mistake and it wasn’t even that bad.”

Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I say this with nothing but love. One verbal exchange, even a humiliating one, is not grounds for someone to be killed or to have their will to live taken away. It's not grounds to take their kids or anything else you mentioned. I am a bit concerned that you may misinterpret the lovely messages of support you've gotten as proof that your intense wishes for harm to befall this person are appropriate. If this person had murdered your child or something like that, your post would be emotionally on key and appropriate. But lots of people get into verbal tiffs, and it isn't a death sentence. Don't. Do. Anything. Harmful.

OP here. A few things:

(1) It was not one verbal exchange or a “verbal tiff.” It was a years long pattern of abusive behavior, including physical abuse. The emotional trigger I’m experiencing is from finally standing up to this person after years of tolerating their abuse and being humiliated in that interaction. Yes, that is trauma. Stop minimizing.

(2) I have not once stated that I planned to do anything harmful to this person. Not once. I do wish them harm because a big part of them wants them to suffer as they made me to suffer. But unlike them, I’m not abusive. I don’t actually want to hurt people or humiliate them. Truthfully, even if I had a sure fire way to make them feel as I did, I wouldn’t do it because I would never want to be responsible for hurting someone the way I’ve been hurt.

(3) The two points above are a major source of my anger. I was harmed in a serious and traumatic way, and I cannot give back in kind because it violates my personal ethical code. And I can’t get social justice because this person was/is in a position of power and authority, and as is always the case when such people do terrible things, is protected by people who benefit from the current power dynamics. They will tie themselves into knots to justify, explain, and recontextualize this person’s behavior to make their silence and inaction seem ok. One tactic they use often is minimizing, like you’ve done here. It was just one incident. It was just a verbal tiff.

Worrying about my “doing something” while simultaneously dismissing my anger as somehow outsized to what I experienced (while conveniently overlooking anything I’ve written that would indicate that this was more than a “single verbal exchange”) is not surprising to me, but I am so, so tired of it. Someone else did awful things to me that I’d never in a million years do to another person, but you’re scared of ME because I’m mad about it. Brilliant.

Very well said OP! Also, to the person who said they found this threat tedious, keep scrolling. I have actually found a good bit of value hearing others' experiences and thoughts in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has got to be one of the most tedious threads ever.

Yeah, I kinda agree.

It’s weird that you keep reading it if you find it tedious. I wonder what keeps you coming back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I say this with nothing but love. One verbal exchange, even a humiliating one, is not grounds for someone to be killed or to have their will to live taken away. It's not grounds to take their kids or anything else you mentioned. I am a bit concerned that you may misinterpret the lovely messages of support you've gotten as proof that your intense wishes for harm to befall this person are appropriate. If this person had murdered your child or something like that, your post would be emotionally on key and appropriate. But lots of people get into verbal tiffs, and it isn't a death sentence. Don't. Do. Anything. Harmful.

OP here. A few things:

(1) It was not one verbal exchange or a “verbal tiff.” It was a years long pattern of abusive behavior, including physical abuse. The emotional trigger I’m experiencing is from finally standing up to this person after years of tolerating their abuse and being humiliated in that interaction. Yes, that is trauma. Stop minimizing.

(2) I have not once stated that I planned to do anything harmful to this person. Not once. I do wish them harm because a big part of them wants them to suffer as they made me to suffer. But unlike them, I’m not abusive. I don’t actually want to hurt people or humiliate them. Truthfully, even if I had a sure fire way to make them feel as I did, I wouldn’t do it because I would never want to be responsible for hurting someone the way I’ve been hurt.

(3) The two points above are a major source of my anger. I was harmed in a serious and traumatic way, and I cannot give back in kind because it violates my personal ethical code. And I can’t get social justice because this person was/is in a position of power and authority, and as is always the case when such people do terrible things, is protected by people who benefit from the current power dynamics. They will tie themselves into knots to justify, explain, and recontextualize this person’s behavior to make their silence and inaction seem ok. One tactic they use often is minimizing, like you’ve done here. It was just one incident. It was just a verbal tiff.

Worrying about my “doing something” while simultaneously dismissing my anger as somehow outsized to what I experienced (while conveniently overlooking anything I’ve written that would indicate that this was more than a “single verbal exchange”) is not surprising to me, but I am so, so tired of it. Someone else did awful things to me that I’d never in a million years do to another person, but you’re scared of ME because I’m mad about it. Brilliant.

Do you ever not feel sorry for yourself. You are one of the least self aware people I’ve encountered on this board.

This comment is so hilariously ironic I want to print it out and frame it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I say this with nothing but love. One verbal exchange, even a humiliating one, is not grounds for someone to be killed or to have their will to live taken away. It's not grounds to take their kids or anything else you mentioned. I am a bit concerned that you may misinterpret the lovely messages of support you've gotten as proof that your intense wishes for harm to befall this person are appropriate. If this person had murdered your child or something like that, your post would be emotionally on key and appropriate. But lots of people get into verbal tiffs, and it isn't a death sentence. Don't. Do. Anything. Harmful.

OP here. A few things:

(1) It was not one verbal exchange or a “verbal tiff.” It was a years long pattern of abusive behavior, including physical abuse. The emotional trigger I’m experiencing is from finally standing up to this person after years of tolerating their abuse and being humiliated in that interaction. Yes, that is trauma. Stop minimizing.

(2) I have not once stated that I planned to do anything harmful to this person. Not once. I do wish them harm because a big part of them wants them to suffer as they made me to suffer. But unlike them, I’m not abusive. I don’t actually want to hurt people or humiliate them. Truthfully, even if I had a sure fire way to make them feel as I did, I wouldn’t do it because I would never want to be responsible for hurting someone the way I’ve been hurt.

(3) The two points above are a major source of my anger. I was harmed in a serious and traumatic way, and I cannot give back in kind because it violates my personal ethical code. And I can’t get social justice because this person was/is in a position of power and authority, and as is always the case when such people do terrible things, is protected by people who benefit from the current power dynamics. They will tie themselves into knots to justify, explain, and recontextualize this person’s behavior to make their silence and inaction seem ok. One tactic they use often is minimizing, like you’ve done here. It was just one incident. It was just a verbal tiff.

Worrying about my “doing something” while simultaneously dismissing my anger as somehow outsized to what I experienced (while conveniently overlooking anything I’ve written that would indicate that this was more than a “single verbal exchange”) is not surprising to me, but I am so, so tired of it. Someone else did awful things to me that I’d never in a million years do to another person, but you’re scared of ME because I’m mad about it. Brilliant.

Ok. I've seen people justify terrible violence, and your graphic descriptions of the pain that you'd like to befall this person were disturbing to me. I'll take your word for it that this is not something you would act on. I do believe your distress is real. I am not trying to minimize it, although at the same time, I often find that perspective is helpful for me. When I feel wronged, and I have been very wronged before, I do benefit from taking a step back and contemplating how the situation fits into the grand scheme. This is something that helps me move past injuries. I also believe firmly that we write our own stories and that if you flesh out a narrative in which you were able to overcome various challenges, you will be better for it. This isn't advice for you as you have a therapist and that is a more appropriate path. It's a way of understanding that not everyone who balks at the graphic depictions of harm that you described, and tries to put things into context, is out to get you or doesn't empathize with your pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. I say this with nothing but love. One verbal exchange, even a humiliating one, is not grounds for someone to be killed or to have their will to live taken away. It's not grounds to take their kids or anything else you mentioned. I am a bit concerned that you may misinterpret the lovely messages of support you've gotten as proof that your intense wishes for harm to befall this person are appropriate. If this person had murdered your child or something like that, your post would be emotionally on key and appropriate. But lots of people get into verbal tiffs, and it isn't a death sentence. Don't. Do. Anything. Harmful.

OP here. A few things:

(1) It was not one verbal exchange or a “verbal tiff.” It was a years long pattern of abusive behavior, including physical abuse. The emotional trigger I’m experiencing is from finally standing up to this person after years of tolerating their abuse and being humiliated in that interaction. Yes, that is trauma. Stop minimizing.

(2) I have not once stated that I planned to do anything harmful to this person. Not once. I do wish them harm because a big part of them wants them to suffer as they made me to suffer. But unlike them, I’m not abusive. I don’t actually want to hurt people or humiliate them. Truthfully, even if I had a sure fire way to make them feel as I did, I wouldn’t do it because I would never want to be responsible for hurting someone the way I’ve been hurt.

(3) The two points above are a major source of my anger. I was harmed in a serious and traumatic way, and I cannot give back in kind because it violates my personal ethical code. And I can’t get social justice because this person was/is in a position of power and authority, and as is always the case when such people do terrible things, is protected by people who benefit from the current power dynamics. They will tie themselves into knots to justify, explain, and recontextualize this person’s behavior to make their silence and inaction seem ok. One tactic they use often is minimizing, like you’ve done here. It was just one incident. It was just a verbal tiff.

Worrying about my “doing something” while simultaneously dismissing my anger as somehow outsized to what I experienced (while conveniently overlooking anything I’ve written that would indicate that this was more than a “single verbal exchange”) is not surprising to me, but I am so, so tired of it. Someone else did awful things to me that I’d never in a million years do to another person, but you’re scared of ME because I’m mad about it. Brilliant.

Ok. I've seen people justify terrible violence, and your graphic descriptions of the pain that you'd like to befall this person were disturbing to me. I'll take your word for it that this is not something you would act on. I do believe your distress is real. I am not trying to minimize it, although at the same time, I often find that perspective is helpful for me. When I feel wronged, and I have been very wronged before, I do benefit from taking a step back and contemplating how the situation fits into the grand scheme. This is something that helps me move past injuries. I also believe firmly that we write our own stories and that if you flesh out a narrative in which you were able to overcome various challenges, you will be better for it. This isn't advice for you as you have a therapist and that is a more appropriate path. It's a way of understanding that not everyone who balks at the graphic depictions of harm that you described, and tries to put things into context, is out to get you or doesn't empathize with your pain.

A graphic depiction of harm is describing physically hurting or violating someone. Writing about wanting to send a bunch of postcards that say "you suck" or suing someone or taking an ad exposing them, or even yelling at them, are not graphic depictions of harm. Those are normal things to want to do to someone who hurt you, especially if that person did it from a position of authority and you felt powerless. Fantasies like this are about trying to reclaim power. None of them would inflict physical harm on the other person.

[Anonymous]

I’ve only read the OP and first couple responses. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this ongoing pain, OP.

I can relate. Two things that have helped- therapy with a somatic experiencing practitioner (someone trained in Peter Levine’s work) to work on the felt sense of anger in the body.

And then this little exercise from Julia Cameron- what is it that you’d like to happen to this person (like the stuff you mentioned in your OP)? Draw a picture of it, whether you think of yourself of a good drawer or not- illustrate it! Then pick a song to accompany this and dance to it.