I cannot stop feeling so deeply angry at someone

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This person is not worth the energy you are putting into your anger.

And that anger is giving this person a prime spot, THE prime spot, in your mental real estate, OP. In essence this person is, to put it crudely, "winning" against you, even after the abuse is long over, by taking up so much of your emotional and mental time and energy.

For those reasons, this stranger is begging you to get back into therapy, or, if you're still in therapy, to tell your therapist more fully exactly what you told us here. Maybe change therapists if you have one but for some reason aren't being this frank with the therapist as you are anonymously here. We can advise all day, and you'll get posts asking you for more and more details here "so we can help you better" etc. (often these come from people who just get kicks out of all the gory details--don't feed those beasts). But you need to see a professional to evict this person from your mind. Your life is being impaired and that gives this person power over you. I won't say, "Just stop giving this person power over you" becuase it is so hard to do that on one's own. See a new therapist, or tell your current one your whole, raw, angry truth, or restart therapy if you've stopped it, but you need help to take back your life and thoughts. You deserve to have your true self back and that cannot happen with just venting to strangers online. Please, please get help.

You don't get it. My therapist knows I feel this way. Have you ever been through this? If not, you don't get it.

And yes, I'm aware that this person is winning, that they have won. That's the whole point. No matter what I do I can never get back what they took.

Also, I'm not sharing any details here, I'm not stupid.

I am not in the same boat but my therapy has only amplified my bitter feelings. I think we could both be helped by seeking healing in another outlet.

DP. You said upthread that you have learned that you must express feelings to be able to move past them but many people have the experience that expressing negative feelings increases them and is not the solution.

The way to let negative feelings go is to let them go, not to focus on them and give them more power through expression.

You say this like it's fact but (1) it's just your opinion and as far as I know it's based on literally nothing, and (2) there's actually a lot of evidence to the contrary.

If you can't sit with these uncomfortable feelings then get out of the thread. In this thread I am expressing my "negative feelings" today.

It's good that you are using this as an outlet but it can be helpful to see these reactions as they reflect those of the people around you. How can you counter someone who tells you you're crazy for having these feelings in a way to shut them down. How can you free yourself from carrying that fallout as your burden?

I am already aware that if I share these feelings with anyone other than a therapist, I will be told to "let it go" and "get over it" and "stop giving them power." I know. That's why I shared it hear instead of calling up a friend or trying to talk to my spouse.

No one wants to hear this stuff, they just want to forget bad stuff like this has happened. But if you were the one it happened to, you don't have that luxury. Sometimes I can dissociate and it is a nice little reprieve but it always comes back. And all it takes is one memory of why happened and the anger is back.

I don't know how I can free myself from this burden. I don't think I can. I think I just have to keep carrying it and I guess in theory hauling this stupid trash bag of abuse and misery around will make me stronger somehow? I don't know. A lot of peopel just have PTSD their whole lives and then they die. I think that's gonna be me, I wish I had a more inspiring story to tell here.

[Anonymous]

OP you are seriously wasting good years of your life. Go out and enjoy being with your kids, find things you love and invest your time and energy in those.

This stuff will destroy you and leave you a bitter husk of a human.

Take a deep breath and compartmentalise. Put it behind you, focus on the next things, all the wonderful, positive things you can find.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I absolutely understand, OP. I am in a similar situation though it is less personal. I struggle most days with it occupying a place in my mind I know it doesn't deserve.

I see clearly now that this person is very damaged but I am still triggered by the fact that so many others don't see it.

Additionally, I have done a few petty and vindictive things towards this person that have brought me some satisfaction.

OP here and thank you for the solidarity. Agreed, sometimes I can see how the person who did this was broken by their own trauma, but sometimes even just feeling that empathy for them make me more mad because they didn't have that empathy for me, did they? When they had a chance to take responsibility for what they did, they stomped on me instead.

I once did a petty thing in revenge (signed them up for some annoying junk emails) but it only made me feel worse because, like, it's so small. It doesn't do anything. They'll unsubscribe or not care. It sucks feeling like the only way to feel even would be to do something horrible to them because I don't want to do something horrible to anyone. I hate feeling vengeful because I don't believe in vengeance. But instead I just walk around feeling angry. It's a trap.

[Anonymous]

OP when I was in the deepest throes of recovering from something like this the most helpful tool was medication. I was on antidepressants for about two years and there was a period that I also had to take benzos daily just to not have a breakdown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are seriously wasting good years of your life. Go out and enjoy being with your kids, find things you love and invest your time and energy in those.

This stuff will destroy you and leave you a bitter husk of a human.

Take a deep breath and compartmentalise. Put it behind you, focus on the next things, all the wonderful, positive things you can find.

Good luck.

You are not listening, but thank you for calling me a "bitter husk of a human." Vivid and hurtful. Good luck to you too.

[Anonymous]

Did the abuse you experienced at work remind you of an older trauma, perhaps in your family of origin? Sometimes that can make the feelings even harder to overcome, and it can be helpful to go back to the roots of it all. I imagine you’ve addressed that with your therapist?

If there’s literally nothing that will East your burden, perhaps radical acceptance is the way to go - understanding that your anger is a natural reaction and learning to co-exist with it in a way that isn’t destructive. It does sound like you’ve been doing that.

I don’t think this guy’s life is as idyllic as you are imagining, OP. Abusers are usually filled with anger and fear, which manifests as a need to control or harm others; that’s something they have to carry with them until their dying day; that’s the way they have chosen to live.

Would you rather be an abuser like them, or someone like yourself, who does not intentionally put terror and fear and rage and pain into the universe? It doesn’t really matter what people think of them - they are carrying pain.

[Anonymous]

I completely understand why you wouldn't want to offer any details and you shouldn't. However, it does make it difficult to respond to this in that who knows if your reaction is outsized and out of the norm. Obviously people suffer terrible, terrible things and do find a way to have joy in life. Holocaust survivors, war victims, sexual assault victims, etc.

You may have read The Body Keeps the Score. I would recommend.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are seriously wasting good years of your life. Go out and enjoy being with your kids, find things you love and invest your time and energy in those.

This stuff will destroy you and leave you a bitter husk of a human.

Take a deep breath and compartmentalise. Put it behind you, focus on the next things, all the wonderful, positive things you can find.

Good luck.

You are not listening, but thank you for calling me a "bitter husk of a human." Vivid and hurtful. Good luck to you too.

These PPs are being kind and supportive, and giving you the best advice they have to offer, but you are reacting with anger and defensiveness to every single post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand OP. I have had a similar experience and a similarly very difficult time moving past it. My question is how long ago did this happen? Because in my experience time does heal. While there are triggers to my literal PTSD regarding the situation, for the most part I go about my day no longer affected by the terrible terrible awful upsetting humiliating thing and the unjust community rejection I experienced as a result of it. But this took years. Sending you validation and solidarity.

I don't want to give exact details for privacy reasons. Like I said in my OP, I'm approaching an anniversary of it and that's triggering a ton of this. I have days where I feel somewhat normal but truthfully I am not sure I've had a day where I didn't think about it on some level. It's low level on my mind all the time and even when I'm doing really well in terms of managing my mood and anxiety and being very functional in my life, it's around. My best days are ones where it's there but I'm not letting it ruin my mood, maybe even letting it motivate me a bit. This is not one of my best days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:YOu should tell on them!

I think thats the problem, you are keeping their secret - and why?

Write a letter, see a lawyer, sue them.

I didn't keep their secret. I told on them and it was dismissed. I can't go into details but it is a huge part of why I am so angry. A lot of people chose to turn their heads away rather than deal with what someone close to them did. This event destroyed many relationships and changed my life forever.

[Anonymous]

No context from your message but seriously -
get a new job
move out of your neighborhood
divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes when something is really triggering, it's because it is causing you to need to look at an aspect of yourself that you don't want to examine.

I feel bad that you feel so bad, but could it be that this other person brought forth something with a kernel of truth that you would rather avoid? I say this, because this is true for me. When I am maddest, it's often because I don't want to examine the whole picture.

I'm not OP but one of those who somewhat identifies with not being able to let something go. For me, I was met with this response by many who didn't even know every detail and it mortified me beyond belief. It's what is the most difficult to get past. People think I'm upset because I may have asked for something that I would equate in measure of disgust to rolling around some nasty alleyway covered in filth, vomit and used needles. That is how grossed out I am but cannot express that or I get "the lady doth protest too much"

[Anonymous]

You have made your whole identity a victim. Some people only know how to be miserable. You are making a choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand OP. I have had a similar experience and a similarly very difficult time moving past it. My question is how long ago did this happen? Because in my experience time does heal. While there are triggers to my literal PTSD regarding the situation, for the most part I go about my day no longer affected by the terrible terrible awful upsetting humiliating thing and the unjust community rejection I experienced as a result of it. But this took years. Sending you validation and solidarity.

I don't want to give exact details for privacy reasons. Like I said in my OP, I'm approaching an anniversary of it and that's triggering a ton of this. I have days where I feel somewhat normal but truthfully I am not sure I've had a day where I didn't think about it on some level. It's low level on my mind all the time and even when I'm doing really well in terms of managing my mood and anxiety and being very functional in my life, it's around. My best days are ones where it's there but I'm not letting it ruin my mood, maybe even letting it motivate me a bit. This is not one of my best days.

Pp you are replying to.

I understand. By timeline I just mean that if this is the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd anniversary then the very big emotional response is understandable. In my experience moving beyond the close years has helped immensely. Be kind to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No context from your message but seriously -
get a new job
move out of your neighborhood
divorce

Why should she divorce because some a hole took advantage of her and others sided with him at her workplace? That sounds like it would really release her anger