DH won't let DS (11) attend camps

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think your DS's admissions chances at the elite university of his dreams will be ruined by playing video games a couple hours a day during the summer at age 11.

And isn't it Dad who's saying "no" to Space Camp?

Yes, through me. As far as DS knows, I'm driving this decision.

Man, tell him its his father. Why are you taking the fall on this?

DH doesn't want to have to explain, so he told DS it's because I'm too anxious to let him go anywhere. What am I supposed to do?

Well that's an f'ed up dynamic. What the hell?

Agreed, that's not cool. If this is DH's decision he needs to tell DS- whether he tells the actual reason why or not but it is completely unfair to put it on you. You guys need therapy for that alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think sleepaway camp is necessary, but if all the kid's friends are going, and the kid wants to go, and the parents can afford it, then this father's fears are preventing that.

This is the real issue.

Agree. Sleepaway camp isn’t essential, but OP’s son wants to go. Pick one with a good and long standing reputation in the NE. Not allowing your kid to go to sleepaway camp bc you are afraid they will be molested is paranoia.

No, it is responsible parenting. I don't understand your cavalier attitude about it, either.

[Anonymous]

Your dh is correct OP. I would wait until she your son is older and can defend himself before sending you an overnight camp, maybe around 15-16.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another idea i(same poster as above} send them to an out of town cousins house and do a day camp with them in another city. Builds independence and they are w a best friend cousin! And family you know

I find this suggestion ironic, because most kids are victimized by family members or people they know.

Can they also be victimized at sleep away camp, or school, or church.

Parents can only trust their guts, talk with their kids, and do their best due diligence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think sleepaway camp is necessary, but if all the kid's friends are going, and the kid wants to go, and the parents can afford it, then this father's fears are preventing that.

This is the real issue.

Agree. Sleepaway camp isn’t essential, but OP’s son wants to go. Pick one with a good and long standing reputation in the NE. Not allowing your kid to go to sleepaway camp bc you are afraid they will be molested is paranoia.

No, it is responsible parenting. I don't understand your cavalier attitude about it, either.

It is not responsible parenting, and encouraging independence is not being cavalier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think sleepaway camp is necessary, but if all the kid's friends are going, and the kid wants to go, and the parents can afford it, then this father's fears are preventing that.

This is the real issue.

Agree. Sleepaway camp isn’t essential, but OP’s son wants to go. Pick one with a good and long standing reputation in the NE. Not allowing your kid to go to sleepaway camp bc you are afraid they will be molested is paranoia.

No, it is responsible parenting. I don't understand your cavalier attitude about it, either.

The vast majority of kids don’t get raped and molested at sleepaway camp. It isn’t a cavalier attitude. There is very little/no privacy, staff is screened, you are never alone with an adult. I’d be more worried about my kid get molested at a friend’s house for a sleepover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think your DS's admissions chances at the elite university of his dreams will be ruined by playing video games a couple hours a day during the summer at age 11.

And isn't it Dad who's saying "no" to Space Camp?

Yes, through me. As far as DS knows, I'm driving this decision.

Man, tell him its his father. Why are you taking the fall on this?

DH doesn't want to have to explain, so he told DS it's because I'm too anxious to let him go anywhere. What am I supposed to do?

Well that's an f'ed up dynamic. What the hell?

Agreed, that's not cool. If this is DH's decision he needs to tell DS- whether he tells the actual reason why or not but it is completely unfair to put it on you. You guys need therapy for that alone.

+1 I don't know why you would agree to this. I would say, "I'm sorry sweetie, if it were up to me I would love for you to be able to go to Space Camp, but your father isn't comfortable with it. If you have any questions, you can talk to him."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think your DS's admissions chances at the elite university of his dreams will be ruined by playing video games a couple hours a day during the summer at age 11.

And isn't it Dad who's saying "no" to Space Camp?

Yes, through me. As far as DS knows, I'm driving this decision.

Man, tell him its his father. Why are you taking the fall on this?

DH doesn't want to have to explain, so he told DS it's because I'm too anxious to let him go anywhere. What am I supposed to do?

Well that's an f'ed up dynamic. What the hell?

Agreed, that's not cool. If this is DH's decision he needs to tell DS- whether he tells the actual reason why or not but it is completely unfair to put it on you. You guys need therapy for that alone.

+1 I don't know why you would agree to this. I would say, "I'm sorry sweetie, if it were up to me I would love for you to be able to go to Space Camp, but your father isn't comfortable with it. If you have any questions, you can talk to him."

I mean obviously the ideal healthy dynamic would be that it's presented as a unified front joint parental decision. But if your DH isn't on board with that, idk why you'd play along with pretending it's you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think your DS's admissions chances at the elite university of his dreams will be ruined by playing video games a couple hours a day during the summer at age 11.

And isn't it Dad who's saying "no" to Space Camp?

Yes, through me. As far as DS knows, I'm driving this decision.

Man, tell him its his father. Why are you taking the fall on this?

DH doesn't want to have to explain, so he told DS it's because I'm too anxious to let him go anywhere. What am I supposed to do?

Well that's an f'ed up dynamic. What the hell?

Agreed, that's not cool. If this is DH's decision he needs to tell DS- whether he tells the actual reason why or not but it is completely unfair to put it on you. You guys need therapy for that alone.

+1 I don't know why you would agree to this. I would say, "I'm sorry sweetie, if it were up to me I would love for you to be able to go to Space Camp, but your father isn't comfortable with it. If you have any questions, you can talk to him."

I mean obviously the ideal healthy dynamic would be that it's presented as a unified front joint parental decision. But if your DH isn't on board with that, idk why you'd play along with pretending it's you.

Because he flipped out when I initially told him I wouldn't play along. Sometimes you do things to keep the peace.

[Anonymous]

What about an online camp? There are probably coding, writing, math, etc. camps held virtually.

I'm getting the feeling you are here to vent instead of looking for solutions. It's definitely tough in a relationship when two parties are at opposite ends of a topic. It does suck for you that your partner's wishes supercede your own on this topic. But that is part of parenting. You will not always see eye to eye and there are probably instances when you get your way instead. It doesn't sound like sleep away camp will be happening any time soon. It's fine to grieve the loss of this opportunity, but it is not helpful to dwell in it. We all miss out on opportunities in life for a myriad of reasons. This will not be the last time that your child misses out on an experience. Help your child learn how to navigate the disappointment and move on. That will be the best thing he can experience this summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think your DS's admissions chances at the elite university of his dreams will be ruined by playing video games a couple hours a day during the summer at age 11.

And isn't it Dad who's saying "no" to Space Camp?

Yes, through me. As far as DS knows, I'm driving this decision.

Man, tell him its his father. Why are you taking the fall on this?

DH doesn't want to have to explain, so he told DS it's because I'm too anxious to let him go anywhere. What am I supposed to do?

Wait, so not only will he not take responsibility for his decision but he actively tells your kid it’s on account of YOUR anxiety? YOURS?

Your husband is a giant jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be blunt, his sisters were abused by their priest as children, and he doesn't trust camp staff - any camp staff - won't abuse kids. I'm not sure how to handle this, especially now that DS's peers have been attending overnight camps for several years and DH just flat-out rejected the idea for yet another summer. I understand his concern, but I also want DS to have experiences he can't have on a regular family vacation. We've done a few days camps but DH was super unhappy about those. Advice?

I'm in a very similar position to your DH. It's unimaginably difficult to put ones kids in a situation that is similar to what led to abuse of a sibling or other family member. I did delay sleepovers longer than most people. We do send our kids to overnight camp, and they love it there. There are times when sending them is hard for me but I do it. Therapy has also helped.

I have a lot of empathy for your DH, but especially as kids get older it's so important not to stifle them because of our own experiences. History is not doomed to repeat itself. One thing I tell myself is that even if abuse does happen, and it could, I believe that the relationship we have with our kids makes them much more likely to tell, and kids who experience one instance of abuse, and who quickly get help, are at a much much lower risk of future problems than kids who suffer multiple instances of abuse or who never tell and never get help.

I don't know if your DH has done therapy but I would encourage this if I were you. I think people in his/my position often overinflate the risks of something terrible happening. When the unimaginable happens, it's pretty easy to picture it happening again. But statistically, your kid is unlikely to be abused at a day camp or an overnight camp these days. Good luck, this is all tough to manage and you both have your DS's best interests at heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about an online camp? There are probably coding, writing, math, etc. camps held virtually.

I'm getting the feeling you are here to vent instead of looking for solutions. It's definitely tough in a relationship when two parties are at opposite ends of a topic. It does suck for you that your partner's wishes supercede your own on this topic. But that is part of parenting. You will not always see eye to eye and there are probably instances when you get your way instead. It doesn't sound like sleep away camp will be happening any time soon. It's fine to grieve the loss of this opportunity, but it is not helpful to dwell in it. We all miss out on opportunities in life for a myriad of reasons. This will not be the last time that your child misses out on an experience. Help your child learn how to navigate the disappointment and move on. That will be the best thing he can experience this summer.

Yeah, I think you're right...I mostly wanted to vent. I'll look into online camps, good idea.

[Anonymous]

DH needs to tell your son why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:TONS of kids get molested at overnight camps. I had a girlfriend in high school who was molested by one of the counselors when she was a pre-teen. Super traumatized by it. I also had another female friend who was molested at an overnight camp. And I didn't have a ton of female friends close enough to reveal that information nor do I go around asking people if they were molested at camps. I def would not send even my boys to overnight camp

Anecdotal but disturbing. They also don’t let the kids call home so they can’t even contact you if something happens.