DH won't let DS (11) attend camps

[Anonymous]

TONS of kids get molested at overnight camps. I had a girlfriend in high school who was molested by one of the counselors when she was a pre-teen. Super traumatized by it. I also had another female friend who was molested at an overnight camp. And I didn't have a ton of female friends close enough to reveal that information nor do I go around asking people if they were molested at camps. I def would not send even my boys to overnight camp

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think sleepaway camp is necessary, but if all the kid's friends are going, and the kid wants to go, and the parents can afford it, then this father's fears are preventing that.

This is the real issue.

Actually I don’t think that is the real issue at all. Going back to the OP’s original post, she says the kid’s “peers” (not “friends”) go to overnight “camps” (generally). She did not present it like you seem to be perceiving it — like, a bunch of his buddies are going to one particular camp, and her kid is the only one in the group not going and thus will feel left out. She just wants him to go to overnight camp because she went and therefore she thinks her child should, notwithstanding that the child’s father is opposed to it for reasons related to family trauma that should be respected. (And also, she is befuddled by what to do with her child if not sending him off to overnight camp because … logistics.

I’m not sure why the OP is so sure her child would enjoy overnight camp anyway, when she already said he has not liked any day camps. How does this general attitude improve by putting him in a setting where he cannot at least come home at the end of the day if he’s unhappy?

What? Of course they're his friends. And it's not DS who doesn't like day camps, it's DH. It makes DS feel guilty about asking in general, much less for specific ones, every single spring.

And yes...some of us have strict working hours. We can't do 9 am dropoffs and 3 pm pickups.

Which is why many camps actually have “extended day” options to allow for earlier drop-off and later pick-up. You really need to do some more legwork on this. Many of us have strict working hours and yet somehow figure out what to do with our children in the summer besides sleepaway camp. Maybe since your husband is so worried about the overnight camps, he needs to be part of the solution in terms of figuring out a plan for your son in the summer. No sleepaway camp….so, what now? Really OP, you two sound completely inept. This child is now 11. What have you done with him the last 10 summers?

Yes. I am inept. I am a bad mother, the latest in a long time of them (you think my parents sent me off to Lake Bryn Mawr Camp every year for MY benefit?), and I'm well aware it's negatively affecting DS. I'm TRYING to fix it. But we don't live in the DMV anymore, and our day camps don't have extended days. Well - two do that I've found, but their "extended day" goes until 4. I have prior commitments that don't allow for coming in early and leaving late. DS has spent summers at home with me while I work. DH is not willing to research, because he "I didn't go to camps and turned out just fine."

So, fine. DS can spend all summer playing videos games and when he's 17 and unmotivated to go to school and have a career, I won't care. You all win. I'm only trying to do what's best for him, and all I get is crap for it. Time to write off his future. I guess I needed that realization.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have to admit, these responses make me sad. DS was bound and determined to attend a pre-admissions camp at his dream school before his junior year, and it looks like that won't happen, either. I know I don't have to tell him no now, but it seems like I'm just kicking that down the road.

Thanks.

These pre-admissions camps mean nothing. Don't worry.

Don't be silly. They might not affect admissions, but they allow the child to decide if an elite university is where they want to be and take away some of the shock if they matriculate.

Who’s being silly? What you are calling a “pre-admission” camp should really be called a “pre-application” camp. There would be no special “shock” for a high performer who gets into an elite university that could be anticipated and blunted by sending them to a camp there ahead of time. A week or two at, say, STEM camp at Stanford, bears no resemblance to being a student there. If going to the camp at the mysterious unnamed “dream school” would be fun and enriching, that’s great. But stop framing it as “pre-admission” camp or something that’s going to somehow help your kid decide whether “an elite university is where they want to be.” If your kid is 11 and already has a dream school - that came from you. And now you are already heartbroken that his dad won’t let him go to overnight camp at this dream school FIVE YEARS from now. It’s time to recalibrate.

I recalibrated. He'll end up a failure and that's ok, because most other kids will be as well. Thanks - that's not snark. I really did need that perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think sleepaway camp is necessary, but if all the kid's friends are going, and the kid wants to go, and the parents can afford it, then this father's fears are preventing that.

This is the real issue.

Actually I don’t think that is the real issue at all. Going back to the OP’s original post, she says the kid’s “peers” (not “friends”) go to overnight “camps” (generally). She did not present it like you seem to be perceiving it — like, a bunch of his buddies are going to one particular camp, and her kid is the only one in the group not going and thus will feel left out. She just wants him to go to overnight camp because she went and therefore she thinks her child should, notwithstanding that the child’s father is opposed to it for reasons related to family trauma that should be respected. (And also, she is befuddled by what to do with her child if not sending him off to overnight camp because … logistics.

I’m not sure why the OP is so sure her child would enjoy overnight camp anyway, when she already said he has not liked any day camps. How does this general attitude improve by putting him in a setting where he cannot at least come home at the end of the day if he’s unhappy?

What? Of course they're his friends. And it's not DS who doesn't like day camps, it's DH. It makes DS feel guilty about asking in general, much less for specific ones, every single spring.

And yes...some of us have strict working hours. We can't do 9 am dropoffs and 3 pm pickups.

Which is why many camps actually have “extended day” options to allow for earlier drop-off and later pick-up. You really need to do some more legwork on this. Many of us have strict working hours and yet somehow figure out what to do with our children in the summer besides sleepaway camp. Maybe since your husband is so worried about the overnight camps, he needs to be part of the solution in terms of figuring out a plan for your son in the summer. No sleepaway camp….so, what now? Really OP, you two sound completely inept. This child is now 11. What have you done with him the last 10 summers?

Yes. I am inept. I am a bad mother, the latest in a long time of them (you think my parents sent me off to Lake Bryn Mawr Camp every year for MY benefit?), and I'm well aware it's negatively affecting DS. I'm TRYING to fix it. But we don't live in the DMV anymore, and our day camps don't have extended days. Well - two do that I've found, but their "extended day" goes until 4. I have prior commitments that don't allow for coming in early and leaving late. DS has spent summers at home with me while I work. DH is not willing to research, because he "I didn't go to camps and turned out just fine."

So, fine. DS can spend all summer playing videos games and when he's 17 and unmotivated to go to school and have a career, I won't care. You all win. I'm only trying to do what's best for him, and all I get is crap for it. Time to write off his future. I guess I needed that realization.

The easy solution is high a high school or college girl to do camp pickups and hand out with DS until your own commitments are over. We've done this for many summers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think sleepaway camp is necessary, but if all the kid's friends are going, and the kid wants to go, and the parents can afford it, then this father's fears are preventing that.

This is the real issue.

Actually I don’t think that is the real issue at all. Going back to the OP’s original post, she says the kid’s “peers” (not “friends”) go to overnight “camps” (generally). She did not present it like you seem to be perceiving it — like, a bunch of his buddies are going to one particular camp, and her kid is the only one in the group not going and thus will feel left out. She just wants him to go to overnight camp because she went and therefore she thinks her child should, notwithstanding that the child’s father is opposed to it for reasons related to family trauma that should be respected. (And also, she is befuddled by what to do with her child if not sending him off to overnight camp because … logistics.

I’m not sure why the OP is so sure her child would enjoy overnight camp anyway, when she already said he has not liked any day camps. How does this general attitude improve by putting him in a setting where he cannot at least come home at the end of the day if he’s unhappy?

What? Of course they're his friends. And it's not DS who doesn't like day camps, it's DH. It makes DS feel guilty about asking in general, much less for specific ones, every single spring.

And yes...some of us have strict working hours. We can't do 9 am dropoffs and 3 pm pickups.

Which is why many camps actually have “extended day” options to allow for earlier drop-off and later pick-up. You really need to do some more legwork on this. Many of us have strict working hours and yet somehow figure out what to do with our children in the summer besides sleepaway camp. Maybe since your husband is so worried about the overnight camps, he needs to be part of the solution in terms of figuring out a plan for your son in the summer. No sleepaway camp….so, what now? Really OP, you two sound completely inept. This child is now 11. What have you done with him the last 10 summers?

Yes. I am inept. I am a bad mother, the latest in a long time of them (you think my parents sent me off to Lake Bryn Mawr Camp every year for MY benefit?), and I'm well aware it's negatively affecting DS. I'm TRYING to fix it. But we don't live in the DMV anymore, and our day camps don't have extended days. Well - two do that I've found, but their "extended day" goes until 4. I have prior commitments that don't allow for coming in early and leaving late. DS has spent summers at home with me while I work. DH is not willing to research, because he "I didn't go to camps and turned out just fine."

So, fine. DS can spend all summer playing videos games and when he's 17 and unmotivated to go to school and have a career, I won't care. You all win. I'm only trying to do what's best for him, and all I get is crap for it. Time to write off his future. I guess I needed that realization.

The easy solution is high a high school or college girl to do camp pickups and hand out with DS until your own commitments are over. We've done this for many summers.

Young girls aren't reliable, please. And how would I keep him from playing video games in the meantime how exactly? I can't be in his room watching him like a hawk. If I take everything away, then I'm the bad guy - and I'm already that for saying no to Space Camp this summer.

[Anonymous]

I don't think your DS's admissions chances at the elite university of his dreams will be ruined by playing video games a couple hours a day during the summer at age 11.

And isn't it Dad who's saying "no" to Space Camp?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think sleepaway camp is necessary, but if all the kid's friends are going, and the kid wants to go, and the parents can afford it, then this father's fears are preventing that.

This is the real issue.

Agree. Sleepaway camp isn’t essential, but OP’s son wants to go. Pick one with a good and long standing reputation in the NE. Not allowing your kid to go to sleepaway camp bc you are afraid they will be molested is paranoia.

[Anonymous]

A family member of mine was also molested at sleepaway camp. It happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A family member of mine was also molested at sleepaway camp. It happens.

No one is saying it doesn't ever happen. But holing up your kids because you are afraid of what might happen isnt going to help them launch into independence. It isn’t the solution either.

My friend has an older teen who was never to allowed to camps, sleepovers, anywhere. That kid is now in therapy for anxiety and won’t even go to the grocery store alone which is within walking distance. Paranoia isn’t a great way to parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think your DS's admissions chances at the elite university of his dreams will be ruined by playing video games a couple hours a day during the summer at age 11.

And isn't it Dad who's saying "no" to Space Camp?

Yes, through me. As far as DS knows, I'm driving this decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think your DS's admissions chances at the elite university of his dreams will be ruined by playing video games a couple hours a day during the summer at age 11.

And isn't it Dad who's saying "no" to Space Camp?

Yes, through me. As far as DS knows, I'm driving this decision.

Man, tell him its his father. Why are you taking the fall on this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think your DS's admissions chances at the elite university of his dreams will be ruined by playing video games a couple hours a day during the summer at age 11.

And isn't it Dad who's saying "no" to Space Camp?

Yes, through me. As far as DS knows, I'm driving this decision.

Man, tell him its his father. Why are you taking the fall on this?

DH doesn't want to have to explain, so he told DS it's because I'm too anxious to let him go anywhere. What am I supposed to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think your DS's admissions chances at the elite university of his dreams will be ruined by playing video games a couple hours a day during the summer at age 11.

And isn't it Dad who's saying "no" to Space Camp?

Yes, through me. As far as DS knows, I'm driving this decision.

Man, tell him its his father. Why are you taking the fall on this?

DH doesn't want to have to explain, so he told DS it's because I'm too anxious to let him go anywhere. What am I supposed to do?

Well that's an f'ed up dynamic. What the hell?

[Anonymous]

Meh. My kids never went to overnight camps and it was fine! They never had the desire and slept better at home. There are so many fun day camps and other things to do all summer. Save the money and go on a fantastic family vacation.

[Anonymous]

Another idea i(same poster as above} send them to an out of town cousins house and do a day camp with them in another city. Builds independence and they are w a best friend cousin! And family you know