DH won't let DS (11) attend camps

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he actually cheap and this is an excuse to not spend the money?

Guarantee this is 90% of DH’s dissent for sleepaway camp, even if he won’t say so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poor kid.

Sleep away camps are huge in developing independence.

People like your DH shouldn't have kids if they only want to dump all their hang-ups on them.

Actually if you let your kid stay home without devices and sent them out and about for the summer to hang with friends, earn money, have fun - that is a lot more independence than glorified babysitting in the woods. I mean give me a break. The parents on DCUM that ship their kids away for camp don't do it for developing independence. They are all entitled kids whose parents want to vacation or their nannies need a vacation.

You mean, they spend all day in their friends’ basements on their devices? This isn’t 1990. 11 yr olds aren’t out all day on their bikes with their friends. Their friends are either not close by or at some type camp. The ones that are close by (if any) are on their devices all day. Good lunch expecting your kid to be home all day while you’re at work and expected they won’t be glued to a screen; theirs or someone else’s. Your 11 yr old might get to walk a neighbor’s dog or water some plants for a few days while they are away, but that’s about it for making money.

Mine are. Thankfully swim team allows her and all of her friends the day of fun after swim practice in the AM. They do all kinds of old-school stuff. She will be 13 this summer but her summer is full of fun and she isn't at sleep away or paid day camps. They bike everywhere, go on the metro to museums, go back to the pool, shopping, movie days in our basement on rainy days, etc.... And yes, she watches animals while families go on vacation. She made $1600 last summer.

Not all families ship their kids off to camp. Plenty of kids are around. You are making excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poor kid.

Sleep away camps are huge in developing independence.

People like your DH shouldn't have kids if they only want to dump all their hang-ups on them.

Actually if you let your kid stay home without devices and sent them out and about for the summer to hang with friends, earn money, have fun - that is a lot more independence than glorified babysitting in the woods. I mean give me a break. The parents on DCUM that ship their kids away for camp don't do it for developing independence. They are all entitled kids whose parents want to vacation or their nannies need a vacation.

You mean, they spend all day in their friends’ basements on their devices? This isn’t 1990. 11 yr olds aren’t out all day on their bikes with their friends. Their friends are either not close by or at some type camp. The ones that are close by (if any) are on their devices all day. Good lunch expecting your kid to be home all day while you’re at work and expected they won’t be glued to a screen; theirs or someone else’s. Your 11 yr old might get to walk a neighbor’s dog or water some plants for a few days while they are away, but that’s about it for making money.

Mine are. Thankfully swim team allows her and all of her friends the day of fun after swim practice in the AM. They do all kinds of old-school stuff. She will be 13 this summer but her summer is full of fun and she isn't at sleep away or paid day camps. They bike everywhere, go on the metro to museums, go back to the pool, shopping, movie days in our basement on rainy days, etc.... And yes, she watches animals while families go on vacation. She made $1600 last summer.

Not all families ship their kids off to camp. Plenty of kids are around. You are making excuses.

You do realize plenty of families don’t have access to a walking distance neighborhood pool and “swim team” or live in a neighborhood with lots of kids around. Your situation is not typical, so let’s not pretend it is

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poor kid.

Sleep away camps are huge in developing independence.

People like your DH shouldn't have kids if they only want to dump all their hang-ups on them.

Actually if you let your kid stay home without devices and sent them out and about for the summer to hang with friends, earn money, have fun - that is a lot more independence than glorified babysitting in the woods. I mean give me a break. The parents on DCUM that ship their kids away for camp don't do it for developing independence. They are all entitled kids whose parents want to vacation or their nannies need a vacation.

You mean, they spend all day in their friends’ basements on their devices? This isn’t 1990. 11 yr olds aren’t out all day on their bikes with their friends. Their friends are either not close by or at some type camp. The ones that are close by (if any) are on their devices all day. Good lunch expecting your kid to be home all day while you’re at work and expected they won’t be glued to a screen; theirs or someone else’s. Your 11 yr old might get to walk a neighbor’s dog or water some plants for a few days while they are away, but that’s about it for making money.

Mine are. Thankfully swim team allows her and all of her friends the day of fun after swim practice in the AM. They do all kinds of old-school stuff. She will be 13 this summer but her summer is full of fun and she isn't at sleep away or paid day camps. They bike everywhere, go on the metro to museums, go back to the pool, shopping, movie days in our basement on rainy days, etc.... And yes, she watches animals while families go on vacation. She made $1600 last summer.

Not all families ship their kids off to camp. Plenty of kids are around. You are making excuses.

You do realize plenty of families don’t have access to a walking distance neighborhood pool and “swim team” or live in a neighborhood with lots of kids around. Your situation is not typical, so let’s not pretend it is

You do realize all the mommies sending their kids to sleep away summer camps are UMC and UC. So yes, they do have choices on where they live and the neighborhoods they choose for their families.

LMC and LC aren't sending their kids to ANY camps no matter where they live. Because they can't afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poor kid.

Sleep away camps are huge in developing independence.

People like your DH shouldn't have kids if they only want to dump all their hang-ups on them.

Actually if you let your kid stay home without devices and sent them out and about for the summer to hang with friends, earn money, have fun - that is a lot more independence than glorified babysitting in the woods. I mean give me a break. The parents on DCUM that ship their kids away for camp don't do it for developing independence. They are all entitled kids whose parents want to vacation or their nannies need a vacation.

You mean, they spend all day in their friends’ basements on their devices? This isn’t 1990. 11 yr olds aren’t out all day on their bikes with their friends. Their friends are either not close by or at some type camp. The ones that are close by (if any) are on their devices all day. Good lunch expecting your kid to be home all day while you’re at work and expected they won’t be glued to a screen; theirs or someone else’s. Your 11 yr old might get to walk a neighbor’s dog or water some plants for a few days while they are away, but that’s about it for making money.

Mine are. Thankfully swim team allows her and all of her friends the day of fun after swim practice in the AM. They do all kinds of old-school stuff. She will be 13 this summer but her summer is full of fun and she isn't at sleep away or paid day camps. They bike everywhere, go on the metro to museums, go back to the pool, shopping, movie days in our basement on rainy days, etc.... And yes, she watches animals while families go on vacation. She made $1600 last summer.

Not all families ship their kids off to camp. Plenty of kids are around. You are making excuses.

You do realize plenty of families don’t have access to a walking distance neighborhood pool and “swim team” or live in a neighborhood with lots of kids around. Your situation is not typical, so let’s not pretend it is

You do realize all the mommies sending their kids to sleep away summer camps are UMC and UC. So yes, they do have choices on where they live and the neighborhoods they choose for their families.

LMC and LC aren't sending their kids to ANY camps no matter where they live. Because they can't afford it.

Yes, they are playing video games all day. The LMC/MC kids aren’t hanging out at the HOA pool.

[Anonymous]

I'm pretty sure that if kids and young teens had the opportunity to informally play and hang out with friends, there would be alot of parents who wouldn't be ok with that. They would think that it's not good enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think sleepaway camp is necessary, but if all the kid's friends are going, and the kid wants to go, and the parents can afford it, then this father's fears are preventing that.

This is the real issue.

Actually I don’t think that is the real issue at all. Going back to the OP’s original post, she says the kid’s “peers” (not “friends”) go to overnight “camps” (generally). She did not present it like you seem to be perceiving it — like, a bunch of his buddies are going to one particular camp, and her kid is the only one in the group not going and thus will feel left out. She just wants him to go to overnight camp because she went and therefore she thinks her child should, notwithstanding that the child’s father is opposed to it for reasons related to family trauma that should be respected. (And also, she is befuddled by what to do with her child if not sending him off to overnight camp because … logistics.

I’m not sure why the OP is so sure her child would enjoy overnight camp anyway, when she already said he has not liked any day camps. How does this general attitude improve by putting him in a setting where he cannot at least come home at the end of the day if he’s unhappy?

What? Of course they're his friends. And it's not DS who doesn't like day camps, it's DH. It makes DS feel guilty about asking in general, much less for specific ones, every single spring.

And yes...some of us have strict working hours. We can't do 9 am dropoffs and 3 pm pickups.

Which is why many camps actually have “extended day” options to allow for earlier drop-off and later pick-up. You really need to do some more legwork on this. Many of us have strict working hours and yet somehow figure out what to do with our children in the summer besides sleepaway camp. Maybe since your husband is so worried about the overnight camps, he needs to be part of the solution in terms of figuring out a plan for your son in the summer. No sleepaway camp….so, what now? Really OP, you two sound completely inept. This child is now 11. What have you done with him the last 10 summers?

Yes. I am inept. I am a bad mother, the latest in a long time of them (you think my parents sent me off to Lake Bryn Mawr Camp every year for MY benefit?), and I'm well aware it's negatively affecting DS. I'm TRYING to fix it. But we don't live in the DMV anymore, and our day camps don't have extended days. Well - two do that I've found, but their "extended day" goes until 4. I have prior commitments that don't allow for coming in early and leaving late. DS has spent summers at home with me while I work. DH is not willing to research, because he "I didn't go to camps and turned out just fine."

So, fine. DS can spend all summer playing videos games and when he's 17 and unmotivated to go to school and have a career, I won't care. You all win. I'm only trying to do what's best for him, and all I get is crap for it. Time to write off his future. I guess I needed that realization.

Are you always this absurdly melodramatic and attention-seeking, or only on DCUM.

You didn’t like the answers you got. Noted. Dial down the flounce a tad.

Bunch of losers here. I bet you kept your kids out of school during covid, too. Don't try to drag everyone else down because of your miserable failures.

Hm, are the responses about sleepaway camp hitting a nerve?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think sleepaway camp is necessary, but if all the kid's friends are going, and the kid wants to go, and the parents can afford it, then this father's fears are preventing that.

This is the real issue.

Actually I don’t think that is the real issue at all. Going back to the OP’s original post, she says the kid’s “peers” (not “friends”) go to overnight “camps” (generally). She did not present it like you seem to be perceiving it — like, a bunch of his buddies are going to one particular camp, and her kid is the only one in the group not going and thus will feel left out. She just wants him to go to overnight camp because she went and therefore she thinks her child should, notwithstanding that the child’s father is opposed to it for reasons related to family trauma that should be respected. (And also, she is befuddled by what to do with her child if not sending him off to overnight camp because … logistics.

I’m not sure why the OP is so sure her child would enjoy overnight camp anyway, when she already said he has not liked any day camps. How does this general attitude improve by putting him in a setting where he cannot at least come home at the end of the day if he’s unhappy?

What? Of course they're his friends. And it's not DS who doesn't like day camps, it's DH. It makes DS feel guilty about asking in general, much less for specific ones, every single spring.

And yes...some of us have strict working hours. We can't do 9 am dropoffs and 3 pm pickups.

Which is why many camps actually have “extended day” options to allow for earlier drop-off and later pick-up. You really need to do some more legwork on this. Many of us have strict working hours and yet somehow figure out what to do with our children in the summer besides sleepaway camp. Maybe since your husband is so worried about the overnight camps, he needs to be part of the solution in terms of figuring out a plan for your son in the summer. No sleepaway camp….so, what now? Really OP, you two sound completely inept. This child is now 11. What have you done with him the last 10 summers?

Yes. I am inept. I am a bad mother, the latest in a long time of them (you think my parents sent me off to Lake Bryn Mawr Camp every year for MY benefit?), and I'm well aware it's negatively affecting DS. I'm TRYING to fix it. But we don't live in the DMV anymore, and our day camps don't have extended days. Well - two do that I've found, but their "extended day" goes until 4. I have prior commitments that don't allow for coming in early and leaving late. DS has spent summers at home with me while I work. DH is not willing to research, because he "I didn't go to camps and turned out just fine."

So, fine. DS can spend all summer playing videos games and when he's 17 and unmotivated to go to school and have a career, I won't care. You all win. I'm only trying to do what's best for him, and all I get is crap for it. Time to write off his future. I guess I needed that realization.

Are you always this absurdly melodramatic and attention-seeking, or only on DCUM.

You didn’t like the answers you got. Noted. Dial down the flounce a tad.

Bunch of losers here. I bet you kept your kids out of school during covid, too. Don't try to drag everyone else down because of your miserable failures.

Hm, are the responses about sleepaway camp hitting a nerve?

Where did that come from? What's that got to do with anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think sleepaway camp is necessary, but if all the kid's friends are going, and the kid wants to go, and the parents can afford it, then this father's fears are preventing that.

This is the real issue.

Actually I don’t think that is the real issue at all. Going back to the OP’s original post, she says the kid’s “peers” (not “friends”) go to overnight “camps” (generally). She did not present it like you seem to be perceiving it — like, a bunch of his buddies are going to one particular camp, and her kid is the only one in the group not going and thus will feel left out. She just wants him to go to overnight camp because she went and therefore she thinks her child should, notwithstanding that the child’s father is opposed to it for reasons related to family trauma that should be respected. (And also, she is befuddled by what to do with her child if not sending him off to overnight camp because … logistics.

I’m not sure why the OP is so sure her child would enjoy overnight camp anyway, when she already said he has not liked any day camps. How does this general attitude improve by putting him in a setting where he cannot at least come home at the end of the day if he’s unhappy?

What? Of course they're his friends. And it's not DS who doesn't like day camps, it's DH. It makes DS feel guilty about asking in general, much less for specific ones, every single spring.

And yes...some of us have strict working hours. We can't do 9 am dropoffs and 3 pm pickups.

Which is why many camps actually have “extended day” options to allow for earlier drop-off and later pick-up. You really need to do some more legwork on this. Many of us have strict working hours and yet somehow figure out what to do with our children in the summer besides sleepaway camp. Maybe since your husband is so worried about the overnight camps, he needs to be part of the solution in terms of figuring out a plan for your son in the summer. No sleepaway camp….so, what now? Really OP, you two sound completely inept. This child is now 11. What have you done with him the last 10 summers?

Yes. I am inept. I am a bad mother, the latest in a long time of them (you think my parents sent me off to Lake Bryn Mawr Camp every year for MY benefit?), and I'm well aware it's negatively affecting DS. I'm TRYING to fix it. But we don't live in the DMV anymore, and our day camps don't have extended days. Well - two do that I've found, but their "extended day" goes until 4. I have prior commitments that don't allow for coming in early and leaving late. DS has spent summers at home with me while I work. DH is not willing to research, because he "I didn't go to camps and turned out just fine."

So, fine. DS can spend all summer playing videos games and when he's 17 and unmotivated to go to school and have a career, I won't care. You all win. I'm only trying to do what's best for him, and all I get is crap for it. Time to write off his future. I guess I needed that realization.

Are you always this absurdly melodramatic and attention-seeking, or only on DCUM.

You didn’t like the answers you got. Noted. Dial down the flounce a tad.

Bunch of losers here. I bet you kept your kids out of school during covid, too. Don't try to drag everyone else down because of your miserable failures.

Hm, are the responses about sleepaway camp hitting a nerve?

Where did that come from? What's that got to do with anything?

Calling people “losers” and “miserable failures” because they see risks in sleepaway camp seems a little unhinged, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think sleepaway camp is necessary, but if all the kid's friends are going, and the kid wants to go, and the parents can afford it, then this father's fears are preventing that.

This is the real issue.

Actually I don’t think that is the real issue at all. Going back to the OP’s original post, she says the kid’s “peers” (not “friends”) go to overnight “camps” (generally). She did not present it like you seem to be perceiving it — like, a bunch of his buddies are going to one particular camp, and her kid is the only one in the group not going and thus will feel left out. She just wants him to go to overnight camp because she went and therefore she thinks her child should, notwithstanding that the child’s father is opposed to it for reasons related to family trauma that should be respected. (And also, she is befuddled by what to do with her child if not sending him off to overnight camp because … logistics.

I’m not sure why the OP is so sure her child would enjoy overnight camp anyway, when she already said he has not liked any day camps. How does this general attitude improve by putting him in a setting where he cannot at least come home at the end of the day if he’s unhappy?

What? Of course they're his friends. And it's not DS who doesn't like day camps, it's DH. It makes DS feel guilty about asking in general, much less for specific ones, every single spring.

And yes...some of us have strict working hours. We can't do 9 am dropoffs and 3 pm pickups.

Which is why many camps actually have “extended day” options to allow for earlier drop-off and later pick-up. You really need to do some more legwork on this. Many of us have strict working hours and yet somehow figure out what to do with our children in the summer besides sleepaway camp. Maybe since your husband is so worried about the overnight camps, he needs to be part of the solution in terms of figuring out a plan for your son in the summer. No sleepaway camp….so, what now? Really OP, you two sound completely inept. This child is now 11. What have you done with him the last 10 summers?

Yes. I am inept. I am a bad mother, the latest in a long time of them (you think my parents sent me off to Lake Bryn Mawr Camp every year for MY benefit?), and I'm well aware it's negatively affecting DS. I'm TRYING to fix it. But we don't live in the DMV anymore, and our day camps don't have extended days. Well - two do that I've found, but their "extended day" goes until 4. I have prior commitments that don't allow for coming in early and leaving late. DS has spent summers at home with me while I work. DH is not willing to research, because he "I didn't go to camps and turned out just fine."

So, fine. DS can spend all summer playing videos games and when he's 17 and unmotivated to go to school and have a career, I won't care. You all win. I'm only trying to do what's best for him, and all I get is crap for it. Time to write off his future. I guess I needed that realization.

Are you always this absurdly melodramatic and attention-seeking, or only on DCUM.

You didn’t like the answers you got. Noted. Dial down the flounce a tad.

Bunch of losers here. I bet you kept your kids out of school during covid, too. Don't try to drag everyone else down because of your miserable failures.

Hm, are the responses about sleepaway camp hitting a nerve?

Where did that come from? What's that got to do with anything?

Calling people “losers” and “miserable failures” because they see risks in sleepaway camp seems a little unhinged, no?

Yes it does. I hadn't remembered the comment it was referring to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poor kid.

Sleep away camps are huge in developing independence.

People like your DH shouldn't have kids if they only want to dump all their hang-ups on them.

Actually if you let your kid stay home without devices and sent them out and about for the summer to hang with friends, earn money, have fun - that is a lot more independence than glorified babysitting in the woods. I mean give me a break. The parents on DCUM that ship their kids away for camp don't do it for developing independence. They are all entitled kids whose parents want to vacation or their nannies need a vacation.

You mean, they spend all day in their friends’ basements on their devices? This isn’t 1990. 11 yr olds aren’t out all day on their bikes with their friends. Their friends are either not close by or at some type camp. The ones that are close by (if any) are on their devices all day. Good lunch expecting your kid to be home all day while you’re at work and expected they won’t be glued to a screen; theirs or someone else’s. Your 11 yr old might get to walk a neighbor’s dog or water some plants for a few days while they are away, but that’s about it for making money.

Mine are. Thankfully swim team allows her and all of her friends the day of fun after swim practice in the AM. They do all kinds of old-school stuff. She will be 13 this summer but her summer is full of fun and she isn't at sleep away or paid day camps. They bike everywhere, go on the metro to museums, go back to the pool, shopping, movie days in our basement on rainy days, etc.... And yes, she watches animals while families go on vacation. She made $1600 last summer.

Not all families ship their kids off to camp. Plenty of kids are around. You are making excuses.

+1. We are UMC and have never sent our kid to a day camp for the summer. Neighborhood kids are in and out of our yard playing, racing, climbing, and riding bikes, skates, scooters, etc. DS is 11. We go on a few day trips during the summer but no fancy vacations. We have a loose restriction of 2hrs of screen time but he rarely uses it up the limit. Real life is so much more fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poor kid.

Sleep away camps are huge in developing independence.

People like your DH shouldn't have kids if they only want to dump all their hang-ups on them.

Actually if you let your kid stay home without devices and sent them out and about for the summer to hang with friends, earn money, have fun - that is a lot more independence than glorified babysitting in the woods. I mean give me a break. The parents on DCUM that ship their kids away for camp don't do it for developing independence. They are all entitled kids whose parents want to vacation or their nannies need a vacation.

You mean, they spend all day in their friends’ basements on their devices? This isn’t 1990. 11 yr olds aren’t out all day on their bikes with their friends. Their friends are either not close by or at some type camp. The ones that are close by (if any) are on their devices all day. Good lunch expecting your kid to be home all day while you’re at work and expected they won’t be glued to a screen; theirs or someone else’s. Your 11 yr old might get to walk a neighbor’s dog or water some plants for a few days while they are away, but that’s about it for making money.

Mine are. Thankfully swim team allows her and all of her friends the day of fun after swim practice in the AM. They do all kinds of old-school stuff. She will be 13 this summer but her summer is full of fun and she isn't at sleep away or paid day camps. They bike everywhere, go on the metro to museums, go back to the pool, shopping, movie days in our basement on rainy days, etc.... And yes, she watches animals while families go on vacation. She made $1600 last summer.

Not all families ship their kids off to camp. Plenty of kids are around. You are making excuses.

You do realize plenty of families don’t have access to a walking distance neighborhood pool and “swim team” or live in a neighborhood with lots of kids around. Your situation is not typical, so let’s not pretend it is

You do realize all the mommies sending their kids to sleep away summer camps are UMC and UC. So yes, they do have choices on where they live and the neighborhoods they choose for their families.

LMC and LC aren't sending their kids to ANY camps no matter where they live. Because they can't afford it.

Yes, they are playing video games all day. The LMC/MC kids aren’t hanging out at the HOA pool.

They hang out at Rockville city pool and skate board park all the time.

It’s rude that you think all LC kids do is play video games

[Anonymous]

Listen, let’s be clear that families that send their kids to weeks of summer camp are not doing it for authentic reasons. Deep inside they know the counselors are snacking up and don’t care about your kids. They know it is to keep up with their family/friends class, and it is also paid babysitting. They will say how good it is for them or no screens, but if they truly cared about those things they wouldn’t give them phones the other 11 months and they would teach them skills, and take them on vacations and camp together.

Sleepaway camp is a culture. 100% Its a “I am doing something good for my kid” entitlement feeling when it really isn’t anything that great at all. Nothing more. I can understand why your husband is reluctant. There are bullies and pervs abundant and little supervision. An entitled white kids dream.

[Anonymous]

Does the camp require your husband to sign anything? If not i would send him anyway if he wants to go, There's no way i would make my kid miss out on stuff like this even if my wife were against it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen, let’s be clear that families that send their kids to weeks of summer camp are not doing it for authentic reasons. Deep inside they know the counselors are snacking up and don’t care about your kids. They know it is to keep up with their family/friends class, and it is also paid babysitting. They will say how good it is for them or no screens, but if they truly cared about those things they wouldn’t give them phones the other 11 months and they would teach them skills, and take them on vacations and camp together.

Sleepaway camp is a culture. 100% Its a “I am doing something good for my kid” entitlement feeling when it really isn’t anything that great at all. Nothing more. I can understand why your husband is reluctant. There are bullies and pervs abundant and little supervision. An entitled white kids dream.

Sorry you never went to sleep away camp or went to a terrible one. But there are a lot of really great camps and they absolutely are beneficial and impactful in positive ways