DH won't use any inheritance for a house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're reasonable OP! I think there are a lot of SN moms on this board and their feelings are clouding their judgement. This SN brother has a large inheritance and another one coming to him. Surely he also get social security disability?

OP maybe you could look at larger homes that have an inlaw suite for brother in case he needs it? Maybe then your dh would use his inheritance.

I do think it's selfish he won't use his inheritance and expects you to use yours.

Could be...I am an SN parent and would cut out this woman in a minute.

You are a special needs parent--not a sibling. There have been comments from several SN siblings and their responses have been very helpful as they understand the burden that this is. To pretend that they are saints and it's not a tremendous burden is just BS. Siblings do not carry the same responsibility as parents do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're reasonable OP! I think there are a lot of SN moms on this board and their feelings are clouding their judgement. This SN brother has a large inheritance and another one coming to him. Surely he also get social security disability?

OP maybe you could look at larger homes that have an inlaw suite for brother in case he needs it? Maybe then your dh would use his inheritance.

I do think it's selfish he won't use his inheritance and expects you to use yours.

Could be...I am an SN parent and would cut out this woman in a minute.

You are a special needs parent--not a sibling. There have been comments from several SN siblings and their responses have been very helpful as they understand the burden that this is. To pretend that they are saints and it's not a tremendous burden is just BS. Siblings do not carry the same responsibility as parents do.

Correct.

It doesn't make any sense for brother to save money to take care of brother when brother is going to have money too.

[Anonymous]

It's his inheratence. His choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem seems to be that and your DH have different priorities. He is family-oriented while you are financially oriented.

You are also pretty ignorant about serious mental health conditions and money. Your DH is right to be concerned that his brother will be preyed upon or will otherwise be penniless shortly after receiving any inheritance.

Finally, are you both in agreement about how much house to buy and how to finance it, or do you want a nicer house than he feels the need for, and you want him to fund the more expensive house with his inheritance?

You can also say the opposite. DH is financially oriented for wanting to stockpile his money for his brother and not share it like OP, while OP wants to use the money to better life for her own family.

This was my read as well. OP said in her opener,

Over the course of our marriage I have received substantial financial support from my parents that have greatly benefited our family (help with a down payment on our current house, funding kids' private school and 529s, as well as cash gifts that I have used for house upgrades and family vacations).

I think the course correction here is for OP to stop comingling her own inheritance, especially since her DH won't dip into his. Save it in a separate, rainy day fund for herself. That alone should help relieve some of the resentment she feels, which I think I would also feel under the circumstances she has described.

OP doesn’t have an inheritance. She has gifts from her parents. I think those would be considered marital assets but I could be wrong. Bottom line is that the DH’s mom needs to set up a trust for the brother. And OP really needs to check her privilege.

Technically half of the gift from her parents is to him and half to her. The parents are gifting up to the tax free annual limit which is a per person limit. If she wants to separately keep all of HER money from the parents they would only be able to give half as much.

I think OP’s mom can gift her $17k and OP’s dad can gift her $17k, for a total of $34k. They could also gift their SIL the same amount. But it doesn’t sound that that is what they’re doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm in the exact same situation as your husband (down to the details -- my father has passed, received a portion of inheritance that I'm not touching, my mom is still alive, brother with schizophrenia, mom in denial.)

His mom needs to wake up and make plans for the brother so that the entire burden isn't on your husband, and also so the money isn't just wasted. Brother is likely eligible for disability, which will ease the financial burden for your husband. They can also figure out the housing situation -- can she set him up in a paid-for home? Group home? Maybe your husband can help her get realistic about options.

These conversations with my mom were EXTREMELY difficult. But they needed to happen. She ended up setting up a trust and will pass on her paid-off house to just him. And giving me access to money that is just for me. My brother still isn't on disability because he doesn't believe he is disabled (even though he has never worked), but I made it clear to both of them that i won't be responsible for him, but would help him navigate the channels that are available to him, if he wants that.

I'm sure your husband is so stressed out by this situation. Maybe, you can help him make sense of it and also map out clear boundaries so he doesn't just feel that he needs to be endlessly responsible and spend literally a million dollars.

Thank you, a voice of reason.

My sibling is disabled and lives off disability. A high six figure inheritance will be blown away in less than a decade in living expenses, he should not try to fund his brothers care with it. His brother will spend down his own savings, then be eligible for Medicare, and disability income and be self sustaining. The PAID OFF house is crucial - it doesn’t count against eligibility for disability. If your DH gives him money, suddenly he won’t be eligible for Medicare or disability and have to pay out of pocket.

Your DH is not responsible for his brothers care full stop.

I don’t think spending the inheritance on housing (which is a valid investment and no where equivalent to fancy vacations as a PP alluded to).

I do think he is trying to not commingle inheritance, which is a lousy thing to do if your parents are shelling out $80k/year for private school. WTF.

[Anonymous]

Mom could also set up a special needs trust for the “disabled” brother. Could he meet the criteria?

[Anonymous]

I would be upset too if I were OP given how much money from her family she has commingled especially if Dh is also not willing to have these discussions with his mom about the brothers future. DH has a responsibility to his own immediate family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH's brother will never live with us. I asked DH early in our relationship if he would ever live with us and he emphatically said no. If he had said yes, I would have ended the relationship. Even if DH didn't have a family I'm sure he wouldn't have his brother living with him. The brother is a big guy and is volatile with violent episodes. Once he grabbed me inappropriately and DH had to yell at him to get off of me. No way I would have him living in my house with me and my kids and face potential assault.

DH thinks his brother would probably get kicked out of a group home due to outbursts and violence. His mother has chronically undermedicated him (part of the denial) so maybe if he were properly medicated the odds of the violence would decrease. He also thinks he can't handle living alone. DH's mother could certainly leave him her house but I don't think he could handle a large suburban house and possibly not even an apartment. So there's no clear answer to where he would live.

The brother could easily have assets of $1.5-2 million when the mother dies. I would think that + social security would be sufficient for one person with no dependents who never goes anywhere, but DH thinks that his brother will be preyed upon and end up with nothing.

I do not currently work. We had a baby early in the pandemic + an older child so I had to stop. I am currently looking for a job. DH is in a higher paying field, and I have always done the majority of the childcare and household management. I don't think he begrudges me not currently working as he knows it would have been impossible to maintain his job with both kids home during the pandemic + quarantine issues.

I think the advice to just use marital assets on buying the new house is probably right. I do think it's possible that in 20 years we'll be sitting on a pile of money and thinking we should have spent a little of it to to enjoy a nicer family house while our kids were still at home.

It’s been almost 2 years since the “can’t work with kids” phase of pandemic, and jobs are plentiful? What is your low paying but hard to find career? You could be working tomorrow if you wanted.

[Anonymous]

People over paper ($). Live in a less gorgeous house to help him with illness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People over paper ($). Live in a less gorgeous house to help him with illness

That sucks. And with all the severely SN children around nowadays, makes me think we should counsel our children to avoid any siblings of severely SN people unless there are guaranteed trusts and accommodations in place to care for them. Why should our children’s lives be compromised?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're reasonable OP! I think there are a lot of SN moms on this board and their feelings are clouding their judgement. This SN brother has a large inheritance and another one coming to him. Surely he also get social security disability?

OP maybe you could look at larger homes that have an inlaw suite for brother in case he needs it? Maybe then your dh would use his inheritance.

I do think it's selfish he won't use his inheritance and expects you to use yours.

Could be...I am an SN parent and would cut out this woman in a minute.

You are a special needs parent--not a sibling. There have been comments from several SN siblings and their responses have been very helpful as they understand the burden that this is. To pretend that they are saints and it's not a tremendous burden is just BS. Siblings do not carry the same responsibility as parents do.

+100. Parents should never burden their healthy children with the responsibility for their siblings. They have their own lives to live (and being the healthy child in a family with a sibling with a mental illness comes with a lot of sadness and trauma.) Parents, likes OPs DHs parents, who refuse to see what is going on and don't make a reasonable plan, are guilty of a huge dereliction of duty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People over paper ($). Live in a less gorgeous house to help him with illness

That sucks. And with all the severely SN children around nowadays, makes me think we should counsel our children to avoid any siblings of severely SN people unless there are guaranteed trusts and accommodations in place to care for them. Why should our children’s lives be compromised?

Lol "compromise". Pp there are people trying to afford their carton of eggs and this lady is mad bc she won't have multiple powder rooms in her home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH is suggesting that I use the 34k annual gift I get from my parents towards the new house in perpetuity. It really irks me that he's suggesting this while refusing to consider using any of his inheritance and any of our joint savings for a new house. I don't think I'm being crazy here for being pissed off about this. Maybe I should just spend the money on jewelry, spa vacations, hand bags, etc. just for myself rather than on something that would benefit the family if he refuses to spend on anything that would actually, you know, improve his kids' quality of life.

Nope, nope, nope. Keep those gifts in a separate account. Do not commingle. Tell him that since he is not comingling, you aren't either.

If you divorce, that will be your money in most states and not subject to being a marital asset that needs to be divided. Keep it in a new account all by itself and do not commingle it. Don't spend it on junk like jewelry. Spend your marital assets instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You stand to inherit a "sizeable sum."

PLUS, you already got:

- Home down payment paid by parents;

- Kids' private school paid by parents;

- 529s for kids college paid by parents;

- Home renovations paid by parents;

- Vacations paid by parents;

- More cash from parents.

And you're seriously complaining??? You are privileged and spoiled as F. Check your privilege lady.

This!!

Agreed - but what is coming from her husband. I’d be upset he wasn’t contributing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You stand to inherit a "sizeable sum."

PLUS, you already got:

- Home down payment paid by parents;

- Kids' private school paid by parents;

- 529s for kids college paid by parents;

- Home renovations paid by parents;

- Vacations paid by parents;

- More cash from parents.

And you're seriously complaining??? You are privileged and spoiled as F. Check your privilege lady.

This!!

Agreed - but what is coming from her husband. I’d be upset he wasn’t contributing.

What is coming from her husband? The entire salary he earns from his job in a high paying field! WTF to pretending her bankroll from mom and dad is a grueling effort but him actually working for a living is somehow mooching off her parents' tax dodge gifts? Y'all are all nuts.

OP you suck.