Would you inquire how the bill for dinner is being split?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you need to give a gift? In my circles, adults don’t usually get actual gifts (maybe parents, but not siblings or other their relatives). If we go out on their birthday, that’s a gift, so maybe you can use the gift $ towards the cost of the dinner.

Good point. I will reduce the gift. I had planned to give $75 but will give $50 as the gift instead and use the rest for dinner. $125 is my limit for the evening. Hopefully, that will be enough to cover either scenario of bill splitting.

I think this is a good plan OP. I think that you can also ask the host (if it's not the birthday relative) to get more information.

All the people telling you not to attend because you have a budget never experienced any financial challenges or may have had problems with family moochers (or insensitive family members) in the past. If it is a close relative and want to go talk with the organizer and adjust the gift to food budget ratio as you mentioned.

The party isn't strangers or random friends, it's family. I'm sure there is a way to work with your family and your budget so you can go.

But OP needs to be upfront with the host about what she can pay. Saying you are going to put in X amount isn’t really fair to the other people involved. DH and I have been the people that made up the short fall on more than one occasion.

It sucks to pay for stuff you didn’t eat or drink, but it also sucks to pay 40% of a bill that was supposed to be split 8 ways because “you didn’t share the apps” or “I only had one glass of wine”. A large group dinner isn’t the place for that. Sorry.

If I were hosting a gathering like this, I'd much rather pay 40% of the bill than exclude friends or relatives who are much less affluent and otherwise couldn't afford to attend. Also, it seems controlling for the host to order a bunch of appetizers and drinks "for the table", and then expect everyone else to pay up, regardless of whether they wanted the appetizers or even could eat the appetizers. In this day and age, so many people have food restrictions, are on diets, or have varying degrees of discretionary income. It's beyond tacky to host an event, order a bunch of things that disregard people's meal restrictions and/or budget, and then expect them to pay for that. You don't get to play the role of the lavish host if you're not footing the bill.

I agree with you, and I’m not speaking as the “host”. Be realistic - it’s not just the “host” ordering apps and wine. Everyone is ordering and eating what they want. As a “guest”, I have paid more than my fair share of the bill on many occasions. That was my point - it is not fair to the other guests to have a hard limit if you KNOW you may not be able to contribute the full amount.

We’ve all been somewhere wondering why the money is short if everyone contributed 1/8 or whatever of the final bill. That’s why I said OP needs to talk to the host PRIOR to the dinner so that doesn’t happen, and someone other than the host doesn’t get stuck with OP’s share of the bill.

I've been in OP's shoes. I order the cheapest salad or starter that can pass for a main on the menu as my main course and have a glass of wine that I nurse. I put down more cash than my meal plus tip could possibly cost, but not as much as others were spending and call it a day. If you only have cash and you're obviously covering your share, no one is going to call you out.

Right - so someone else pays your share of the split. No one is going to explicitly call you out, but if the bill is supposed to be evenly split, someone has to cover that. It *should* be the host, but often it’s someone else.

Their share? Why should anyone’s share be considerably more than they ordered/consumed?

Stop being obtuse. If it was agreed that the bill should be split evenly, and OP puts down $50 instead of $75, that creates a problem for the person who needs to pay OP’s share (who may not be the host). If OP can’t afford to split the bill, she shouldn’t go, or she should contact the host and discuss it.

But it usually isn't agreed beforehand. What has invariably happened to me is that I will order substantially less than other people, assuming that we're all paying our own way. When the bill arrives, someone who consumed more than the average will always pull out their calculator and declare what the even share is for the meal. If you aren't crystal clear that the expectation is an even split, then you are the problem. It's especially galling when maybe you would have enjoyed a drink or a more expensive entree, but chose to be frugal, only to be expected to pitch in a bunch extra to cover everyone else's drinks and more expensive entrees.

Again, unless you are crystal clear about expectations, you're being ridiculous to say that if I racked up $20 of the bill and that you racked up $100, I am somehow stiffing you by making you pay YOUR $100. Why should I be more responsible than you are for paying the remaining $40 of YOUR TAB?

I totally agree with you, which is why OP should contact the host. By doing that, she can start the conversation. And a text can be sent. Or maybe the host can work with the restaurant and work out a fixed price menu. Or whatever. But going and just hoping for the best isn’t the thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You shouldn't go. You are too uptight and too cheap to go to any sort of group dinner.

The guest of honor who planned the party and is possibly going to have their guess pay their own way is the only cheap person in this scenario.

You can whine about this all you want but as a 38 yr old I have never once been invited to this kind of birthday party where someone else was paying for the group. It’s absolutely far and away the norm now for the group to split the check.

It varies. Maybe that is your age group or your set of friends.
Regardless, the host issuing the invites should be clear with the guests. IMO, there are always "takers" at these types of things and then the "givers" end up funding those extra apps, pre dinner drinks and that extra bottle of wine.

Just in November we hosted 12 people for a nice dinner out (range of lower and upper prices at a nice restaurant; some drinkers, some not) to celebrate a birthday. A mix of family and friends of the birthday person (in their 20's). We made sure to let the invitees know that they were our guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These situations pop up because the host/organizer fails to communicate. S/he should be telling everybody right up front whether s/he is treating, or that they'll all split the bill evenly and treat the birthday person, or that the restaurant will accommodate separate checks, or whatever the case. You can't fault somebody for wanting to pay only for what they ordered/consumed if the host didn't communicate, and you can't characterize that person as somehow cheating the rest of the group for... not subsidizing their more expensive meals? What?

I completely agree with everything you said, but why is it necessary for the restaurant to accommodate separate checks if you don't want to split evenly? If you bring cash, what's the difference between placing on the table the cost of your items + 40% or so to cover tax + tip and placing the cost of whatever your share is for an evenly split meal? In both cases, the restaurant doesn't have to do anything.

It's super easy now. The table figures out what everyone owes and then venmos one person who pays the whole bill. It's actually much easier than it was 5 or 10 years ago when you had to ask a waiter to charge different cards. Anywhere that gives the option to pay online at the table will also give the option to pay either a set amount or just for certain items

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you need to give a gift? In my circles, adults don’t usually get actual gifts (maybe parents, but not siblings or other their relatives). If we go out on their birthday, that’s a gift, so maybe you can use the gift $ towards the cost of the dinner.

Good point. I will reduce the gift. I had planned to give $75 but will give $50 as the gift instead and use the rest for dinner. $125 is my limit for the evening. Hopefully, that will be enough to cover either scenario of bill splitting.

I think this is a good plan OP. I think that you can also ask the host (if it's not the birthday relative) to get more information.

All the people telling you not to attend because you have a budget never experienced any financial challenges or may have had problems with family moochers (or insensitive family members) in the past. If it is a close relative and want to go talk with the organizer and adjust the gift to food budget ratio as you mentioned.

The party isn't strangers or random friends, it's family. I'm sure there is a way to work with your family and your budget so you can go.

But OP needs to be upfront with the host about what she can pay. Saying you are going to put in X amount isn’t really fair to the other people involved. DH and I have been the people that made up the short fall on more than one occasion.

It sucks to pay for stuff you didn’t eat or drink, but it also sucks to pay 40% of a bill that was supposed to be split 8 ways because “you didn’t share the apps” or “I only had one glass of wine”. A large group dinner isn’t the place for that. Sorry.

If I were hosting a gathering like this, I'd much rather pay 40% of the bill than exclude friends or relatives who are much less affluent and otherwise couldn't afford to attend. Also, it seems controlling for the host to order a bunch of appetizers and drinks "for the table", and then expect everyone else to pay up, regardless of whether they wanted the appetizers or even could eat the appetizers. In this day and age, so many people have food restrictions, are on diets, or have varying degrees of discretionary income. It's beyond tacky to host an event, order a bunch of things that disregard people's meal restrictions and/or budget, and then expect them to pay for that. You don't get to play the role of the lavish host if you're not footing the bill.

I agree with you, and I’m not speaking as the “host”. Be realistic - it’s not just the “host” ordering apps and wine. Everyone is ordering and eating what they want. As a “guest”, I have paid more than my fair share of the bill on many occasions. That was my point - it is not fair to the other guests to have a hard limit if you KNOW you may not be able to contribute the full amount.

We’ve all been somewhere wondering why the money is short if everyone contributed 1/8 or whatever of the final bill. That’s why I said OP needs to talk to the host PRIOR to the dinner so that doesn’t happen, and someone other than the host doesn’t get stuck with OP’s share of the bill.

I've been in OP's shoes. I order the cheapest salad or starter that can pass for a main on the menu as my main course and have a glass of wine that I nurse. I put down more cash than my meal plus tip could possibly cost, but not as much as others were spending and call it a day. If you only have cash and you're obviously covering your share, no one is going to call you out.

Right - so someone else pays your share of the split. No one is going to explicitly call you out, but if the bill is supposed to be evenly split, someone has to cover that. It *should* be the host, but often it’s someone else.

Their share? Why should anyone’s share be considerably more than they ordered/consumed?

Stop being obtuse. If it was agreed that the bill should be split evenly, and OP puts down $50 instead of $75, that creates a problem for the person who needs to pay OP’s share (who may not be the host). If OP can’t afford to split the bill, she shouldn’t go, or she should contact the host and discuss it.

But it usually isn't agreed beforehand. What has invariably happened to me is that I will order substantially less than other people, assuming that we're all paying our own way. When the bill arrives, someone who consumed more than the average will always pull out their calculator and declare what the even share is for the meal. If you aren't crystal clear that the expectation is an even split, then you are the problem. It's especially galling when maybe you would have enjoyed a drink or a more expensive entree, but chose to be frugal, only to be expected to pitch in a bunch extra to cover everyone else's drinks and more expensive entrees.

Again, unless you are crystal clear about expectations, you're being ridiculous to say that if I racked up $20 of the bill and that you racked up $100, I am somehow stiffing you by making you pay YOUR $100. Why should I be more responsible than you are for paying the remaining $40 of YOUR TAB?

I agree no one should have to pay extra when they don't want to or don't feel comfortable, but lets be real, its never the over orderers pulling out the calculator.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you need to give a gift? In my circles, adults don’t usually get actual gifts (maybe parents, but not siblings or other their relatives). If we go out on their birthday, that’s a gift, so maybe you can use the gift $ towards the cost of the dinner.

Good point. I will reduce the gift. I had planned to give $75 but will give $50 as the gift instead and use the rest for dinner. $125 is my limit for the evening. Hopefully, that will be enough to cover either scenario of bill splitting.

I think this is a good plan OP. I think that you can also ask the host (if it's not the birthday relative) to get more information.

All the people telling you not to attend because you have a budget never experienced any financial challenges or may have had problems with family moochers (or insensitive family members) in the past. If it is a close relative and want to go talk with the organizer and adjust the gift to food budget ratio as you mentioned.

The party isn't strangers or random friends, it's family. I'm sure there is a way to work with your family and your budget so you can go.

But OP needs to be upfront with the host about what she can pay. Saying you are going to put in X amount isn’t really fair to the other people involved. DH and I have been the people that made up the short fall on more than one occasion.

It sucks to pay for stuff you didn’t eat or drink, but it also sucks to pay 40% of a bill that was supposed to be split 8 ways because “you didn’t share the apps” or “I only had one glass of wine”. A large group dinner isn’t the place for that. Sorry.

If I were hosting a gathering like this, I'd much rather pay 40% of the bill than exclude friends or relatives who are much less affluent and otherwise couldn't afford to attend. Also, it seems controlling for the host to order a bunch of appetizers and drinks "for the table", and then expect everyone else to pay up, regardless of whether they wanted the appetizers or even could eat the appetizers. In this day and age, so many people have food restrictions, are on diets, or have varying degrees of discretionary income. It's beyond tacky to host an event, order a bunch of things that disregard people's meal restrictions and/or budget, and then expect them to pay for that. You don't get to play the role of the lavish host if you're not footing the bill.

I agree with you, and I’m not speaking as the “host”. Be realistic - it’s not just the “host” ordering apps and wine. Everyone is ordering and eating what they want. As a “guest”, I have paid more than my fair share of the bill on many occasions. That was my point - it is not fair to the other guests to have a hard limit if you KNOW you may not be able to contribute the full amount.

We’ve all been somewhere wondering why the money is short if everyone contributed 1/8 or whatever of the final bill. That’s why I said OP needs to talk to the host PRIOR to the dinner so that doesn’t happen, and someone other than the host doesn’t get stuck with OP’s share of the bill.

I've been in OP's shoes. I order the cheapest salad or starter that can pass for a main on the menu as my main course and have a glass of wine that I nurse. I put down more cash than my meal plus tip could possibly cost, but not as much as others were spending and call it a day. If you only have cash and you're obviously covering your share, no one is going to call you out.

Right - so someone else pays your share of the split. No one is going to explicitly call you out, but if the bill is supposed to be evenly split, someone has to cover that. It *should* be the host, but often it’s someone else.

Their share? Why should anyone’s share be considerably more than they ordered/consumed?

Stop being obtuse. If it was agreed that the bill should be split evenly, and OP puts down $50 instead of $75, that creates a problem for the person who needs to pay OP’s share (who may not be the host). If OP can’t afford to split the bill, she shouldn’t go, or she should contact the host and discuss it.

But it usually isn't agreed beforehand. What has invariably happened to me is that I will order substantially less than other people, assuming that we're all paying our own way. When the bill arrives, someone who consumed more than the average will always pull out their calculator and declare what the even share is for the meal. If you aren't crystal clear that the expectation is an even split, then you are the problem. It's especially galling when maybe you would have enjoyed a drink or a more expensive entree, but chose to be frugal, only to be expected to pitch in a bunch extra to cover everyone else's drinks and more expensive entrees.

Again, unless you are crystal clear about expectations, you're being ridiculous to say that if I racked up $20 of the bill and that you racked up $100, I am somehow stiffing you by making you pay YOUR $100. Why should I be more responsible than you are for paying the remaining $40 of YOUR TAB?

I agree no one should have to pay extra when they don't want to or don't feel comfortable, but lets be real, its never the over orderers pulling out the calculator.

Same. The over orderers just declare that the bill should be split evenly. The salad and tap water orderer gets the calculator out. Or just puts in somethign like $25 that barely covers their salad and drink and definitely doesn't cover tax and tip and sits there like a statue as other people have to keep kicking in more and more to pay the bill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you need to give a gift? In my circles, adults don’t usually get actual gifts (maybe parents, but not siblings or other their relatives). If we go out on their birthday, that’s a gift, so maybe you can use the gift $ towards the cost of the dinner.

Good point. I will reduce the gift. I had planned to give $75 but will give $50 as the gift instead and use the rest for dinner. $125 is my limit for the evening. Hopefully, that will be enough to cover either scenario of bill splitting.

I think this is a good plan OP. I think that you can also ask the host (if it's not the birthday relative) to get more information.

All the people telling you not to attend because you have a budget never experienced any financial challenges or may have had problems with family moochers (or insensitive family members) in the past. If it is a close relative and want to go talk with the organizer and adjust the gift to food budget ratio as you mentioned.

The party isn't strangers or random friends, it's family. I'm sure there is a way to work with your family and your budget so you can go.

But OP needs to be upfront with the host about what she can pay. Saying you are going to put in X amount isn’t really fair to the other people involved. DH and I have been the people that made up the short fall on more than one occasion.

It sucks to pay for stuff you didn’t eat or drink, but it also sucks to pay 40% of a bill that was supposed to be split 8 ways because “you didn’t share the apps” or “I only had one glass of wine”. A large group dinner isn’t the place for that. Sorry.

If I were hosting a gathering like this, I'd much rather pay 40% of the bill than exclude friends or relatives who are much less affluent and otherwise couldn't afford to attend. Also, it seems controlling for the host to order a bunch of appetizers and drinks "for the table", and then expect everyone else to pay up, regardless of whether they wanted the appetizers or even could eat the appetizers. In this day and age, so many people have food restrictions, are on diets, or have varying degrees of discretionary income. It's beyond tacky to host an event, order a bunch of things that disregard people's meal restrictions and/or budget, and then expect them to pay for that. You don't get to play the role of the lavish host if you're not footing the bill.

I agree with you, and I’m not speaking as the “host”. Be realistic - it’s not just the “host” ordering apps and wine. Everyone is ordering and eating what they want. As a “guest”, I have paid more than my fair share of the bill on many occasions. That was my point - it is not fair to the other guests to have a hard limit if you KNOW you may not be able to contribute the full amount.

We’ve all been somewhere wondering why the money is short if everyone contributed 1/8 or whatever of the final bill. That’s why I said OP needs to talk to the host PRIOR to the dinner so that doesn’t happen, and someone other than the host doesn’t get stuck with OP’s share of the bill.

I've been in OP's shoes. I order the cheapest salad or starter that can pass for a main on the menu as my main course and have a glass of wine that I nurse. I put down more cash than my meal plus tip could possibly cost, but not as much as others were spending and call it a day. If you only have cash and you're obviously covering your share, no one is going to call you out.

Right - so someone else pays your share of the split. No one is going to explicitly call you out, but if the bill is supposed to be evenly split, someone has to cover that. It *should* be the host, but often it’s someone else.

Their share? Why should anyone’s share be considerably more than they ordered/consumed?

Stop being obtuse. If it was agreed that the bill should be split evenly, and OP puts down $50 instead of $75, that creates a problem for the person who needs to pay OP’s share (who may not be the host). If OP can’t afford to split the bill, she shouldn’t go, or she should contact the host and discuss it.

But it usually isn't agreed beforehand. What has invariably happened to me is that I will order substantially less than other people, assuming that we're all paying our own way. When the bill arrives, someone who consumed more than the average will always pull out their calculator and declare what the even share is for the meal. If you aren't crystal clear that the expectation is an even split, then you are the problem. It's especially galling when maybe you would have enjoyed a drink or a more expensive entree, but chose to be frugal, only to be expected to pitch in a bunch extra to cover everyone else's drinks and more expensive entrees.

Again, unless you are crystal clear about expectations, you're being ridiculous to say that if I racked up $20 of the bill and that you racked up $100, I am somehow stiffing you by making you pay YOUR $100. Why should I be more responsible than you are for paying the remaining $40 of YOUR TAB?

I agree no one should have to pay extra when they don't want to or don't feel comfortable, but lets be real, its never the over orderers pulling out the calculator.

Same. The over orderers just declare that the bill should be split evenly. The salad and tap water orderer gets the calculator out. Or just puts in somethign like $25 that barely covers their salad and drink and definitely doesn't cover tax and tip and sits there like a statue as other people have to keep kicking in more and more to pay the bill.

We at least all can agree on a several things: If everyone's individual total is at least in the same ballpark, an even split is fine. If what you ordered is not in the same ballpark as everyone else, whether it's higher or lower, you should cover what you ate plus a generous amount for tax and tip. People who don't cover the cost of their bill suck, whether it's the mooch who overindulged and wants an even split or the person who didn't cover their salad and water. The host of the gathering should be sensitive to the people on strict budgets.

[Anonymous]

You contact the host and say you’d love to celebrate X’s big day and chip in on dinner for X but you aren’t in a position to spend a ton right now. Ask how the final bill will be split because you don’t want to be surprised at the end if you’re asked to cover a much larger share than you’re budgeting.

[Anonymous]

OP, why so silent? Hasn't this dinner passed? Please provide an update.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why so silent? Hasn't this dinner passed? Please provide an update.

Op here, yes, the dinner was over the weekend and lovely! Only 6 attended instead of the original 8. Interestingly, all requested separate checks at the start of the meal, and only 3 of the invitees (including me) contributed toward the GOH's meal, which came to $70 including tax. Thankfully, the GOH doesn't drink because the bill would have been a lot more. I quietly thought it was tacky that the other two didn't contribute, but let it go because I was within the parameters of what I had intended to spend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why so silent? Hasn't this dinner passed? Please provide an update.

Op here, yes, the dinner was over the weekend and lovely! Only 6 attended instead of the original 8. Interestingly, all requested separate checks at the start of the meal, and only 3 of the invitees (including me) contributed toward the GOH's meal, which came to $70 including tax. Thankfully, the GOH doesn't drink because the bill would have been a lot more. I quietly thought it was tacky that the other two didn't contribute, but let it go because I was within the parameters of what I had intended to spend.

Did the GOH plan the meal? Maybe that person should have paid for everyone instead of the other way around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why so silent? Hasn't this dinner passed? Please provide an update.

Op here, yes, the dinner was over the weekend and lovely! Only 6 attended instead of the original 8. Interestingly, all requested separate checks at the start of the meal, and only 3 of the invitees (including me) contributed toward the GOH's meal, which came to $70 including tax. Thankfully, the GOH doesn't drink because the bill would have been a lot more. I quietly thought it was tacky that the other two didn't contribute, but let it go because I was within the parameters of what I had intended to spend.

Glad you went out and had a good time and the bill didn't break the bank for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't go. You are the cheap one and family probably knows it. It's not your first time or last time to be cheap, and considering 2023 just started, you don't want to spend the money. It's family and you go and suck the expense up or don't go because you don't like the person.
There is so much work out there right now, I don't know what your excuse is for not having money other than being cheap.
OR do talk to the organizer if you must go. There's a way for you to leave cash with him/her before hand- the $25 and whatever you are going to eat. You don't take your cheapness out on the restaurant or the server.
Family knows you are cheap. They may pay for it all, so stop sweating.

What does 2023 just starting have to do with it? Your income is the same amount month to month. It’s not like everything was wiped clean on 12/31/2022 and you were given your entire allotment for the year on 1/1/2023.