Would you inquire how the bill for dinner is being split?

[Anonymous]

^. Above PP here. I've had times in my life, like now, where I can easily afford to pay more of the bill if some people are on strict budgets. When I'm out with similarly affluent friends, it's no big deal to just split the check. I've had times in my life where I was on a strict budget and very carefully ordered my food so I could afford it. At those times, it was simply not an option to divide the check evenly and supplement the meals of people who already had much more money than I did. I mean, would you have really wanted me to have to live on ramen for a week to pay for your booze and apps?

Assuming you want to be inclusive, you should try to be sensitive to the needs of the other guests. There's no reason that checks need to be divided evenly or that any shared appetizers need to be purchased if the people there have vastly different budgets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Oh come on. The problem is not the OP, who is on a budget and doesn't want to subsidize everyone else's meals. The problem is the people (like you, perhaps), who understand that the bill will be split and then proceed to order several appetizers, the lobster, and tons of drinks. The non-drinker who orders the salad shouldn't have to contribute absurd amounts of money to subsidize your excesses. The non drinking vegetarians like me always get shafted by the gluttons like you who are looking for a free ride.

PP here. Didn't jump into assumptions there, did you?

Not assumptions. It’s the truth. Everyone knows it except for the people who do it and think they’re being oh so slick. DP

[Anonymous]

At different times in my life, I’ve been the rich friend and the poor friend at these dinners. I’ve come to look at it as paying for an overall shared experience, not specifically what I eat and drink there. Looking at the menu I can get a ballpark idea of what a night out at that restaurant looks like, and if I can’t swing it (or if it’s not someone I’m close to and not worth it to me) I just don’t go.

I know someone will respond “OMG I’d never expect my friends to pay to be in my company” and you aren’t wrong, but this is my approach.

[Anonymous]

Another option. Talk to the organizer, let them know you are on a budget, and suggest that the food and drinks be on separate tabs. Then the food bill could be split amongst the group and the drink bill can be split amongst those who order drinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another option. Talk to the organizer, let them know you are on a budget, and suggest that the food and drinks be on separate tabs. Then the food bill could be split amongst the group and the drink bill can be split amongst those who order drinks.

This is a great idea!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At different times in my life, I’ve been the rich friend and the poor friend at these dinners. I’ve come to look at it as paying for an overall shared experience, not specifically what I eat and drink there. Looking at the menu I can get a ballpark idea of what a night out at that restaurant looks like, and if I can’t swing it (or if it’s not someone I’m close to and not worth it to me) I just don’t go.

I know someone will respond “OMG I’d never expect my friends to pay to be in my company” and you aren’t wrong, but this is my approach.

It's not much of an overall shared experience if you're excluding the friends or family who are on a budget.

Also, depending on what people order, you can't necessarily get an idea of the ballpark. I've been the poor friend at dinners where other people have been excessive, and then massively pushed my budget. As an example, once a group of friends insisted that they simply had to go to a seafood restaurant. I'm a vegetarian and could only get a side of fries to nibble on. After looking at the menu, I assumed that my "ballpark" was $20 max. I was also in grad school and already on a ramen noodle budget. Everyone else had fish dishes, fish appetizers, and cocktails. What I ate + tax and generous tip was like $5. What each of them ate plus tip was like $50+. They tried to pull the "let's divide things evenly" card, and I refused. Nobody warned me ahead of time that they wanted to split the bill evenly, and I assumed that anyone with a grain of common sense would see that an even split was inappropriate in this case. So, who is in the wrong, here? If it's all about the "overall shared experience," why should poorer people be put in the position of either missing out on everything or of having to let more affluent friends mooch off of them?

[Anonymous]

The secret seems to be leaving early. If the dinner is likely to end at 9 make sure you leave around 815, before the bill comes, throw down your $50 cash, or whatever predetermined amount you wanted to chip in, and duck out of there. Make sure you're covering what you ordered and then some for tax, tip, and the guest of honor. That way you don't have to subsidize everyone else and it won't cause a scene.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At different times in my life, I’ve been the rich friend and the poor friend at these dinners. I’ve come to look at it as paying for an overall shared experience, not specifically what I eat and drink there. Looking at the menu I can get a ballpark idea of what a night out at that restaurant looks like, and if I can’t swing it (or if it’s not someone I’m close to and not worth it to me) I just don’t go.

I know someone will respond “OMG I’d never expect my friends to pay to be in my company” and you aren’t wrong, but this is my approach.

It's not much of an overall shared experience if you're excluding the friends or family who are on a budget.

Also, depending on what people order, you can't necessarily get an idea of the ballpark. I've been the poor friend at dinners where other people have been excessive, and then massively pushed my budget. As an example, once a group of friends insisted that they simply had to go to a seafood restaurant. I'm a vegetarian and could only get a side of fries to nibble on. After looking at the menu, I assumed that my "ballpark" was $20 max. I was also in grad school and already on a ramen noodle budget. Everyone else had fish dishes, fish appetizers, and cocktails. What I ate + tax and generous tip was like $5. What each of them ate plus tip was like $50+. They tried to pull the "let's divide things evenly" card, and I refused. Nobody warned me ahead of time that they wanted to split the bill evenly, and I assumed that anyone with a grain of common sense would see that an even split was inappropriate in this case. So, who is in the wrong, here? If it's all about the "overall shared experience," why should poorer people be put in the position of either missing out on everything or of having to let more affluent friends mooch off of them?

To each his/her own; if the group chose a restaurant that didn't fit my dietary needs or that didn't fit in my budget for a full meal, I wouldn't go. Because nibbling a side of fries while everybody else enjoys appetizers, entrees, drinks, and desserts doesn't sound fun to me. But if somebody else feels different and wants to go just for the company, of course nobody should give them any grief for refusing to split the bill evenly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The secret seems to be leaving early. If the dinner is likely to end at 9 make sure you leave around 815, before the bill comes, throw down your $50 cash, or whatever predetermined amount you wanted to chip in, and duck out of there. Make sure you're covering what you ordered and then some for tax, tip, and the guest of honor. That way you don't have to subsidize everyone else and it won't cause a scene.

Or offer to meet up after the dinner for a drink at the bar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The secret seems to be leaving early. If the dinner is likely to end at 9 make sure you leave around 815, before the bill comes, throw down your $50 cash, or whatever predetermined amount you wanted to chip in, and duck out of there. Make sure you're covering what you ordered and then some for tax, tip, and the guest of honor. That way you don't have to subsidize everyone else and it won't cause a scene.

Ha love this idea

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At different times in my life, I’ve been the rich friend and the poor friend at these dinners. I’ve come to look at it as paying for an overall shared experience, not specifically what I eat and drink there. Looking at the menu I can get a ballpark idea of what a night out at that restaurant looks like, and if I can’t swing it (or if it’s not someone I’m close to and not worth it to me) I just don’t go.

I know someone will respond “OMG I’d never expect my friends to pay to be in my company” and you aren’t wrong, but this is my approach.

It's not much of an overall shared experience if you're excluding the friends or family who are on a budget.

Also, depending on what people order, you can't necessarily get an idea of the ballpark. I've been the poor friend at dinners where other people have been excessive, and then massively pushed my budget. As an example, once a group of friends insisted that they simply had to go to a seafood restaurant. I'm a vegetarian and could only get a side of fries to nibble on. After looking at the menu, I assumed that my "ballpark" was $20 max. I was also in grad school and already on a ramen noodle budget. Everyone else had fish dishes, fish appetizers, and cocktails. What I ate + tax and generous tip was like $5. What each of them ate plus tip was like $50+. They tried to pull the "let's divide things evenly" card, and I refused. Nobody warned me ahead of time that they wanted to split the bill evenly, and I assumed that anyone with a grain of common sense would see that an even split was inappropriate in this case. So, who is in the wrong, here? If it's all about the "overall shared experience," why should poorer people be put in the position of either missing out on everything or of having to let more affluent friends mooch off of them?

To each his/her own; if the group chose a restaurant that didn't fit my dietary needs or that didn't fit in my budget for a full meal, I wouldn't go. Because nibbling a side of fries while everybody else enjoys appetizers, entrees, drinks, and desserts doesn't sound fun to me. But if somebody else feels different and wants to go just for the company, of course nobody should give them any grief for refusing to split the bill evenly.

Well, yes. Sometimes people just want to go for the company. Being excluded from family and friend events because you're on a tight budget really sucks. Also, sometimes people are judging the "ballpark" to be a typical price of an entree + drink + a little more. They aren't accounting for the people who order very expensive entrees, multiple expensive drinks, apps, a dessert, and so on. When your share costs a little more than what you ate, it's no big deal. When it's 3x or 4x the cost of what you ate, it's a huge problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, don't go. You are the cheap one and family probably knows it. It's not your first time or last time to be cheap, and considering 2023 just started, you don't want to spend the money. It's family and you go and suck the expense up or don't go because you don't like the person.
There is so much work out there right now, I don't know what your excuse is for not having money other than being cheap.
OR do talk to the organizer if you must go. There's a way for you to leave cash with him/her before hand- the $25 and whatever you are going to eat. You don't take your cheapness out on the restaurant or the server.
Family knows you are cheap. They may pay for it all, so stop sweating.

The person who is cheap is the host who doesn’t pay for their guests.

+1 My MIL invited everyone to a restaurant for pre xmas eve dinner, including all of her kids' in laws (my parents included). We were HORRIFIED when she announced she was feeling tired during dessert and that she was going home.
Check came.
Guess who was stuck with the bill...everyone BUT her.
That was the last restaurant invitation I accepted from her. I told DH- that was absolutely absurd and I'm tapping out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At different times in my life, I’ve been the rich friend and the poor friend at these dinners. I’ve come to look at it as paying for an overall shared experience, not specifically what I eat and drink there. Looking at the menu I can get a ballpark idea of what a night out at that restaurant looks like, and if I can’t swing it (or if it’s not someone I’m close to and not worth it to me) I just don’t go.

I know someone will respond “OMG I’d never expect my friends to pay to be in my company” and you aren’t wrong, but this is my approach.

It's not much of an overall shared experience if you're excluding the friends or family who are on a budget.

Also, depending on what people order, you can't necessarily get an idea of the ballpark. I've been the poor friend at dinners where other people have been excessive, and then massively pushed my budget. As an example, once a group of friends insisted that they simply had to go to a seafood restaurant. I'm a vegetarian and could only get a side of fries to nibble on. After looking at the menu, I assumed that my "ballpark" was $20 max. I was also in grad school and already on a ramen noodle budget. Everyone else had fish dishes, fish appetizers, and cocktails. What I ate + tax and generous tip was like $5. What each of them ate plus tip was like $50+. They tried to pull the "let's divide things evenly" card, and I refused. Nobody warned me ahead of time that they wanted to split the bill evenly, and I assumed that anyone with a grain of common sense would see that an even split was inappropriate in this case. So, who is in the wrong, here? If it's all about the "overall shared experience," why should poorer people be put in the position of either missing out on everything or of having to let more affluent friends mooch off of them?

To each his/her own; if the group chose a restaurant that didn't fit my dietary needs or that didn't fit in my budget for a full meal, I wouldn't go. Because nibbling a side of fries while everybody else enjoys appetizers, entrees, drinks, and desserts doesn't sound fun to me. But if somebody else feels different and wants to go just for the company, of course nobody should give them any grief for refusing to split the bill evenly.

Well, yes. Sometimes people just want to go for the company. Being excluded from family and friend events because you're on a tight budget really sucks. Also, sometimes people are judging the "ballpark" to be a typical price of an entree + drink + a little more. They aren't accounting for the people who order very expensive entrees, multiple expensive drinks, apps, a dessert, and so on. When your share costs a little more than what you ate, it's no big deal. When it's 3x or 4x the cost of what you ate, it's a huge problem.

I've been the broke law student living off beans and rice while friends were staring their careers and making good money, and yeah, it sucked to miss out. I think this is also on the organizer - if you know the group includes people on limited budgets, and celebrating with people you care about is more important than eating at the pricy steakhouse, maybe you plan your get-together at the local pub and then do the steakhouse with your SO or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At different times in my life, I’ve been the rich friend and the poor friend at these dinners. I’ve come to look at it as paying for an overall shared experience, not specifically what I eat and drink there. Looking at the menu I can get a ballpark idea of what a night out at that restaurant looks like, and if I can’t swing it (or if it’s not someone I’m close to and not worth it to me) I just don’t go.

I know someone will respond “OMG I’d never expect my friends to pay to be in my company” and you aren’t wrong, but this is my approach.

It's not much of an overall shared experience if you're excluding the friends or family who are on a budget.

Also, depending on what people order, you can't necessarily get an idea of the ballpark. I've been the poor friend at dinners where other people have been excessive, and then massively pushed my budget. As an example, once a group of friends insisted that they simply had to go to a seafood restaurant. I'm a vegetarian and could only get a side of fries to nibble on. After looking at the menu, I assumed that my "ballpark" was $20 max. I was also in grad school and already on a ramen noodle budget. Everyone else had fish dishes, fish appetizers, and cocktails. What I ate + tax and generous tip was like $5. What each of them ate plus tip was like $50+. They tried to pull the "let's divide things evenly" card, and I refused. Nobody warned me ahead of time that they wanted to split the bill evenly, and I assumed that anyone with a grain of common sense would see that an even split was inappropriate in this case. So, who is in the wrong, here? If it's all about the "overall shared experience," why should poorer people be put in the position of either missing out on everything or of having to let more affluent friends mooch off of them?

Very well argued. Many take advantage of the touchy/tacky appearance of discussing bill splitting in public knowing full well that they had far more than others. I'm glad you spoke up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The secret seems to be leaving early. If the dinner is likely to end at 9 make sure you leave around 815, before the bill comes, throw down your $50 cash, or whatever predetermined amount you wanted to chip in, and duck out of there. Make sure you're covering what you ordered and then some for tax, tip, and the guest of honor. That way you don't have to subsidize everyone else and it won't cause a scene.

Ha love this idea

It’s really quite brilliant.