Reply to Would you inquire how the bill for dinner is being split?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, do you need to give a gift? In my circles, adults don’t usually get actual gifts (maybe parents, but not siblings or other their relatives). If we go out on their birthday, that’s a gift, so maybe you can use the gift $ towards the cost of the dinner.[/quote]

Good point. I will reduce the gift. I had planned to give $75 but will give $50 as the gift instead and use the rest for dinner. $125 is my limit for the evening. Hopefully, that will be enough to cover either scenario of bill splitting.[/quote]

I think this is a good plan OP.  I think that you can also ask the host (if it's not the birthday relative) to get more information.

All the people telling you not to attend because you have a budget never experienced any financial challenges or may have had problems with family moochers (or insensitive family members) in the past.  If it is a close relative and want to go talk with the organizer and adjust the gift to food budget ratio as you mentioned.

The party isn't strangers or random friends, it's family.  I'm sure there is a way to work with your family and your budget so you can go.[/quote]

But OP needs to be upfront with the host about what she can pay. Saying you are going to put in X amount isn’t really fair to the other people involved. DH and I have been the people that made up the short fall on more than one occasion.

It sucks to pay for stuff you didn’t eat or drink, but it also sucks to pay 40% of a bill that was supposed to be split 8 ways because “you didn’t share the apps” or “I only had one glass of wine”. A large group dinner isn’t the place for that. Sorry.

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If I were hosting a gathering like this, I'd much rather pay 40% of the bill than exclude friends or relatives who are much less affluent and otherwise couldn't afford to attend.  Also, it seems controlling for the host to order a bunch of appetizers and drinks "for the table", and then expect everyone else to pay up, regardless of whether they wanted the appetizers or even could eat the appetizers.  In this day and age, so many people have food restrictions, are on diets, or have varying degrees of discretionary income.  It's beyond tacky to host an event, order a bunch of things that disregard people's meal restrictions and/or budget, and then expect them to pay for that.  You don't get to play the role of the lavish host if you're not footing the bill.

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I agree with you, and I’m not speaking as the “host”. Be realistic - it’s not just the “host” ordering apps and wine. Everyone is ordering and eating what they want. As a “guest”, I have paid more than my fair share of the bill on many occasions. That was my point - it is not fair to the other guests to have a hard limit if you KNOW you may not be able to contribute the full amount.

We’ve all been somewhere wondering why the money is short if everyone contributed 1/8 or whatever of the final bill. That’s why I said OP needs to talk to the host PRIOR to the dinner so that doesn’t happen, and someone other than the host doesn’t get stuck with OP’s share of the bill.[/quote]

I've been in OP's shoes. I order the cheapest salad or starter that can pass for a main on the menu as my main course and have a glass of wine that I nurse. I put down more cash than my meal plus tip could possibly cost, but not as much as others were spending and call it a day. If you only have cash and you're obviously covering your share, no one is going to call you out. [/quote]

Right - so someone else pays your share of the split. No one is going to explicitly call you out, but if the bill is supposed to be evenly split, someone has to cover that. It *should* be the host, but often it’s someone else.[/quote]

Their share? Why should anyone’s share be considerably more than they ordered/consumed?[/quote]

Stop being obtuse. [b]If it was agreed that the bill should be split evenly, [/b]and OP puts down $50 instead of $75, that creates a problem for the person who needs to pay OP’s share (who may not be the host). If OP can’t afford to split the bill, she shouldn’t go, or she should contact the host and discuss it.[/quote]

But it usually isn't agreed beforehand.  What has invariably happened to me is that I will order substantially less than other people, assuming that we're all paying our own way.  [b]When the bill arrives, someone who consumed more than the average will always pull out their calculator and declare what the even share is for the meal.  [/b]If you aren't crystal clear that the expectation is an even split, then you are the problem.  It's especially galling when maybe you would have enjoyed a drink or a more expensive entree, but chose to be frugal, only to be expected to pitch in a bunch extra to cover everyone else's drinks and more expensive entrees.

Again, unless you are crystal clear about expectations, you're being ridiculous to say that if I racked up $20 of the bill and that you racked up $100, I am somehow stiffing you by making you pay YOUR $100.  Why should I be more responsible than you are for paying the remaining $40 of YOUR TAB?[/quote]

I agree no one should have to pay extra when they don't want to or don't feel comfortable, but lets be real, its never the over orderers pulling out the calculator. [/quote]

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