Would you inquire how the bill for dinner is being split?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given it is all family, I would absolutely go. I disagree that if you can't afford to subsidize the meals of the other guests, then you shouldn't attend. If it wasn't family, then it could get too dicey but these are your family members!

Talk to them. It is family. Surely they would rather have you there rather than not have you there unless you help cover their food / drinks. Talk to the host to see how they anticipate sharing the costs.

If the guest of honour is also hosting - just let them know that you would love to come but you are on a $25 budget and is there a way to make that work?


Not quite the same but once when I was a grad student I attended a conference and ended up going out to dinner with my supervisor and 3 of her prof friends. We arrived at what turned out to be a really expensive restaurant. I thought I would just order the cheapest thing and get away with it but then they just told the waiter to divide the bill equally amongst the 5 of us. I had ot put it on a credit card and it took out my entire food budget for the month and left me in a really bad situation. Twas a really good learnig experience and I have pretyt much declined all further professional invitations since! I had grown up pretty poor and had never been to expensive restaurants and had no idea that a dinner could cost so much or that people split the costs regardless of what they ate or drank. Those things don't happen in my world!

It’s so crappy your supervisor put you in that position! I can’t imagine not being that oblivious or insensitive to a grad student’s finances. Really beyond the pale, IMO.

[Anonymous]

Different people have different traditions - for some the person whose birthday it is pays, in others they should never pay. All of these are fine.

What isn't fine is being a pain in the neck and making a big fuss about the bill. Either go and go graciously, paying whatever is needed, or, if money is really an issue, make an excuse and opt out. Don't complicate people's lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You shouldn't go. You are too uptight and too cheap to go to any sort of group dinner.

The guest of honor who planned the party and is possibly going to have their guess pay their own way is the only cheap person in this scenario.

You can whine about this all you want but as a 38 yr old I have never once been invited to this kind of birthday party where someone else was paying for the group. It’s absolutely far and away the norm now for the group to split the check.

I agree with you. I’m 44 - this has been the norm for quite a long time and it’s totally fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Different people have different traditions - for some the person whose birthday it is pays, in others they should never pay. All of these are fine.

What isn't fine is being a pain in the neck and making a big fuss about the bill. Either go and go graciously, paying whatever is needed, or, if money is really an issue, make an excuse and opt out. Don't complicate people's lives.

+1. And as has been pointed out, a lot of restaurants have policies prohibiting split checks for groups. Bring CASH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Different people have different traditions - for some the person whose birthday it is pays, in others they should never pay. All of these are fine.

What isn't fine is being a pain in the neck and making a big fuss about the bill. Either go and go graciously, paying whatever is needed, or, if money is really an issue, make an excuse and opt out. Don't complicate people's lives.

Asking the organizer who is a family member how the bill will be paid is not being a pain in the neck or making a big fuss or complicating people’s lives. It. Is. A. Question.

[Anonymous]

Let us know what you do OP.

[Anonymous]

It’s simple just bring cash, and contribute your part along with the hosts. I’m sure a credit card will be used just hand them your cash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Different people have different traditions - for some the person whose birthday it is pays, in others they should never pay. All of these are fine.

What isn't fine is being a pain in the neck and making a big fuss about the bill. Either go and go graciously, paying whatever is needed, or, if money is really an issue, make an excuse and opt out. Don't complicate people's lives.

Asking the organizer who is a family member how the bill will be paid is not being a pain in the neck or making a big fuss or complicating people’s lives. It. Is. A. Question.

It’s more than that because she is putting a restriction on what she will contribute for the guest who has the birthday.

[Anonymous]

Op here, thanks for the useful suggestions! It seems like there's a split on how to approach it, which is why I asked.

I will never be clear on why some have such extreme reactions to a basic question. It's like you wake up angry and looking for the smallest thing to justify your anger. There wasn't a single thing wrong with my question. A) I am on a budget B) I love my relative, and I'm excited to celebrate with them and C) I don't like to assume.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Different people have different traditions - for some the person whose birthday it is pays, in others they should never pay. All of these are fine.

What isn't fine is being a pain in the neck and making a big fuss about the bill. Either go and go graciously, paying whatever is needed, or, if money is really an issue, make an excuse and opt out. Don't complicate people's lives.

Asking the organizer who is a family member how the bill will be paid is not being a pain in the neck or making a big fuss or complicating people’s lives. It. Is. A. Question.

It’s more than that because she is putting a restriction on what she will contribute for the guest who has the birthday.

No, it’s not more than that. Once OP understands how the bill will be paid then OP can decide whether the evening fits in with her budget and can accept or decline based on that.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you need to give a gift? In my circles, adults don’t usually get actual gifts (maybe parents, but not siblings or other their relatives). If we go out on their birthday, that’s a gift, so maybe you can use the gift $ towards the cost of the dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Different people have different traditions - for some the person whose birthday it is pays, in others they should never pay. All of these are fine.

What isn't fine is being a pain in the neck and making a big fuss about the bill. Either go and go graciously, paying whatever is needed, or, if money is really an issue, make an excuse and opt out. Don't complicate people's lives.

Asking the organizer who is a family member how the bill will be paid is not being a pain in the neck or making a big fuss or complicating people’s lives. It. Is. A. Question.

It’s more than that because she is putting a restriction on what she will contribute for the guest who has the birthday.

No, it’s not more than that. Once OP understands how the bill will be paid then OP can decide whether the evening fits in with her budget and can accept or decline based on that.

It’s literally more than that. She 1) wants a separate bill and 2) is only willing to commit a certain dollar amount to the guest with the birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, thanks for the useful suggestions! It seems like there's a split on how to approach it, which is why I asked.

I will never be clear on why some have such extreme reactions to a basic question. It's like you wake up angry and looking for the smallest thing to justify your anger. There wasn't a single thing wrong with my question. A) I am on a budget B) I love my relative, and I'm excited to celebrate with them and C) I don't like to assume.

Are you talking about the question to the host or your question to this board?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you need to give a gift? In my circles, adults don’t usually get actual gifts (maybe parents, but not siblings or other their relatives). If we go out on their birthday, that’s a gift, so maybe you can use the gift $ towards the cost of the dinner.

+1

[Anonymous]

I'd definitely ask the organizer how they plan to handle the check and if the plan is to split equally among the group (which IME is how this goes 95% of the time) I think I'd decline. I wouldn't count on the restaurant accommodating separate checks with a large party.

I've had to decline similar events due to being on a budget, and it sucks to miss out, but the bill can get out of control quickly when people start ordering multiple cocktails, appetizers "for the table" etc. You can always offer to take the birthday celebrant out for lunch or dinner one-on-one if it's somebody you're close to.