Would you inquire how the bill for dinner is being split?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You shouldn't go. You are too uptight and too cheap to go to any sort of group dinner.

The guest of honor who planned the party and is possibly going to have their guess pay their own way is the only cheap person in this scenario.

Yes. It's great-grandma's 100th birthday and all the grandchildren want to take her out to her favorite restaurant for dinner.

She is the cheap one for not picking up the tab.

You guys are nuts

What?!? Great-grandma didn’t plan the party and invite the grandchildren to join. That is a completely different (and irrelevant) scenario.

[Anonymous]

Is the organizer the birthday celebrant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Different people have different traditions - for some the person whose birthday it is pays, in others they should never pay. All of these are fine.

What isn't fine is being a pain in the neck and making a big fuss about the bill. Either go and go graciously, paying whatever is needed, or, if money is really an issue, make an excuse and opt out. Don't complicate people's lives.

Asking the organizer who is a family member how the bill will be paid is not being a pain in the neck or making a big fuss or complicating people’s lives. It. Is. A. Question.

It’s more than that because she is putting a restriction on what she will contribute for the guest who has the birthday.

No, it’s not more than that. Once OP understands how the bill will be paid then OP can decide whether the evening fits in with her budget and can accept or decline based on that.

It’s literally more than that. She 1) wants a separate bill and 2) is only willing to commit a certain dollar amount to the guest with the birthday.

She said $25, if there are 8 people contributing, that would be $200 for dinner. Even with a lot of drinks that's plenty...unless they're going somewhere that's super expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Different people have different traditions - for some the person whose birthday it is pays, in others they should never pay. All of these are fine.

What isn't fine is being a pain in the neck and making a big fuss about the bill. Either go and go graciously, paying whatever is needed, or, if money is really an issue, make an excuse and opt out. Don't complicate people's lives.

Asking the organizer who is a family member how the bill will be paid is not being a pain in the neck or making a big fuss or complicating people’s lives. It. Is. A. Question.

It’s more than that because she is putting a restriction on what she will contribute for the guest who has the birthday.

No, it’s not more than that. Once OP understands how the bill will be paid then OP can decide whether the evening fits in with her budget and can accept or decline based on that.

It’s literally more than that. She 1) wants a separate bill and 2) is only willing to commit a certain dollar amount to the guest with the birthday.

She said $25, if there are 8 people contributing, that would be $200 for dinner. Even with a lot of drinks that's plenty...unless they're going somewhere that's super expensive.

I don't know what you think calculating the total tab does, but $25 is not a lot of money. If OP orders something inexpensive and doesn't get anything besides her main, she should be OK at most restaurants, but "a lot of drinks" will run up the tab quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Different people have different traditions - for some the person whose birthday it is pays, in others they should never pay. All of these are fine.

What isn't fine is being a pain in the neck and making a big fuss about the bill. Either go and go graciously, paying whatever is needed, or, if money is really an issue, make an excuse and opt out. Don't complicate people's lives.

Asking the organizer who is a family member how the bill will be paid is not being a pain in the neck or making a big fuss or complicating people’s lives. It. Is. A. Question.

It’s more than that because she is putting a restriction on what she will contribute for the guest who has the birthday.

No, it’s not more than that. Once OP understands how the bill will be paid then OP can decide whether the evening fits in with her budget and can accept or decline based on that.

It’s literally more than that. She 1) wants a separate bill and 2) is only willing to commit a certain dollar amount to the guest with the birthday.

She said $25, if there are 8 people contributing, that would be $200 for dinner. Even with a lot of drinks that's plenty...unless they're going somewhere that's super expensive.

I don't know what you think calculating the total tab does, but $25 is not a lot of money. If OP orders something inexpensive and doesn't get anything besides her main, she should be OK at most restaurants, but "a lot of drinks" will run up the tab quickly.

LOL, $25 would *barely* cover an entree, soda, tax, and tip at a place like Chili's or Applebees. I have NEVER been out with 8 adults and had a bill come in at $200 or less.

[Anonymous]

I think the PP meant that if OP and every other guest each contributed $25 to the birthday person's meal, that should cover the birthday person - not the whole bill.

[Anonymous]

Leave early and put down what you want. No one will expect you to split because they don’t have the bill yet.

Or arrive late, just for a drink or to wish the birthday person. Then it’s clear that you’re not to be included in the count and you can put down what you owe.

[Anonymous]

I think bringing cash is key. If you are ordering conservatively and everyone else is splurging then that will be somewhat evident. In fact if I saw this I would preemptively start to feel concerned about you taking on an even split of the bill.

By having cash to throw in you can eliminate the drama. When the bill comes throw in your $125 and say, "this is for my meal plus some of yours Aunt Bertha! What a wonderful night this has been!"

By throwing a hundred out there you will not look cheap as I assume this will be likely be more than you order! Then, if the rest of the family is in a different financial position then they can split evenly but by throwing in cash you have removed yourself from the negotiations. I don't think you need to leave early but you could excuse yourself to the restroom after saying that and take a bit longer than usual to let all the rest be sorted out before you return.

I tend to over order and try to ensure I'm paying more as I do not like to be subsidized at all. I have great empathy for people in your position but can't stand the nickle and dimers. So the goal is just to establish your boundaries without seeming like you have been monitoring what went into everyone's mouths all night, that is what causes bad feelings. Throwing in an amount generously more than what you incurred (due to contributing to the VIP) resolves that.

[Anonymous]

I'd get in touch with the organizer and say you're looking forward to the event, but want to let them know you can only contribute $25 to the guest of honors meal, is that ok/do they think it will run more than that etc. Feel it out, be honest, and if they say they had planned XYZ that would bring the total much higher, then you can bow out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Different people have different traditions - for some the person whose birthday it is pays, in others they should never pay. All of these are fine.

What isn't fine is being a pain in the neck and making a big fuss about the bill. Either go and go graciously, paying whatever is needed, or, if money is really an issue, make an excuse and opt out. Don't complicate people's lives.

Asking the organizer who is a family member how the bill will be paid is not being a pain in the neck or making a big fuss or complicating people’s lives. It. Is. A. Question.

It’s more than that because she is putting a restriction on what she will contribute for the guest who has the birthday.

No, it’s not more than that. Once OP understands how the bill will be paid then OP can decide whether the evening fits in with her budget and can accept or decline based on that.

It’s literally more than that. She 1) wants a separate bill and 2) is only willing to commit a certain dollar amount to the guest with the birthday.

She said $25, if there are 8 people contributing, that would be $200 for dinner. Even with a lot of drinks that's plenty...unless they're going somewhere that's super expensive.

I don't know what you think calculating the total tab does, but $25 is not a lot of money. If OP orders something inexpensive and doesn't get anything besides her main, she should be OK at most restaurants, but "a lot of drinks" will run up the tab quickly.

She wants to pay $25 toward the birthday girl PLUS pay for her own meal.

[Anonymous]

OP if you only have 25$ to cover your food, plus the guest of honors food, and tip please just stay home! 25$ isn’t enough to cover anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if you only have 25$ to cover your food, plus the guest of honors food, and tip please just stay home! 25$ isn’t enough to cover anything.

You didn't read her post correctly. She's budgeted $125 to include her meal and a $25 contribution towards the guest of honor's meal (which if 8 people did would mean birthday guest would have $200 or $175 put towards the meal, not sure if birthday person is one of the 8, but either way still plenty).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you only have 25$ to cover your food, plus the guest of honors food, and tip please just stay home! 25$ isn’t enough to cover anything.

You didn't read her post correctly. She's budgeted $125 to include her meal and a $25 contribution towards the guest of honor's meal (which if 8 people did would mean birthday guest would have $200 or $175 put towards the meal, not sure if birthday person is one of the 8, but either way still plenty).

Thank you for your non snarky reply! And I mean that well💜 I was under the oppression OP only had 25$ total to spend. And yes, if her budget is 125$ she should be good to go 😊 OP do 125$ whatever you order and the rest going towards the bill/birthday. I think that would be more than ok☺️

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you need to give a gift? In my circles, adults don’t usually get actual gifts (maybe parents, but not siblings or other their relatives). If we go out on their birthday, that’s a gift, so maybe you can use the gift $ towards the cost of the dinner.

Good point. I will reduce the gift. I had planned to give $75 but will give $50 as the gift instead and use the rest for dinner. $125 is my limit for the evening. Hopefully, that will be enough to cover either scenario of bill splitting.

I think this is a good plan OP. I think that you can also ask the host (if it's not the birthday relative) to get more information.

All the people telling you not to attend because you have a budget never experienced any financial challenges or may have had problems with family moochers (or insensitive family members) in the past. If it is a close relative and want to go talk with the organizer and adjust the gift to food budget ratio as you mentioned.

The party isn't strangers or random friends, it's family. I'm sure there is a way to work with your family and your budget so you can go.

But OP needs to be upfront with the host about what she can pay. Saying you are going to put in X amount isn’t really fair to the other people involved. DH and I have been the people that made up the short fall on more than one occasion.

It sucks to pay for stuff you didn’t eat or drink, but it also sucks to pay 40% of a bill that was supposed to be split 8 ways because “you didn’t share the apps” or “I only had one glass of wine”. A large group dinner isn’t the place for that. Sorry.

If I were hosting a gathering like this, I'd much rather pay 40% of the bill than exclude friends or relatives who are much less affluent and otherwise couldn't afford to attend. Also, it seems controlling for the host to order a bunch of appetizers and drinks "for the table", and then expect everyone else to pay up, regardless of whether they wanted the appetizers or even could eat the appetizers. In this day and age, so many people have food restrictions, are on diets, or have varying degrees of discretionary income. It's beyond tacky to host an event, order a bunch of things that disregard people's meal restrictions and/or budget, and then expect them to pay for that. You don't get to play the role of the lavish host if you're not footing the bill.

I agree with you, and I’m not speaking as the “host”. Be realistic - it’s not just the “host” ordering apps and wine. Everyone is ordering and eating what they want. As a “guest”, I have paid more than my fair share of the bill on many occasions. That was my point - it is not fair to the other guests to have a hard limit if you KNOW you may not be able to contribute the full amount.

We’ve all been somewhere wondering why the money is short if everyone contributed 1/8 or whatever of the final bill. That’s why I said OP needs to talk to the host PRIOR to the dinner so that doesn’t happen, and someone other than the host doesn’t get stuck with OP’s share of the bill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you need to give a gift? In my circles, adults don’t usually get actual gifts (maybe parents, but not siblings or other their relatives). If we go out on their birthday, that’s a gift, so maybe you can use the gift $ towards the cost of the dinner.

Good point. I will reduce the gift. I had planned to give $75 but will give $50 as the gift instead and use the rest for dinner. $125 is my limit for the evening. Hopefully, that will be enough to cover either scenario of bill splitting.

I think this is a good plan OP. I think that you can also ask the host (if it's not the birthday relative) to get more information.

All the people telling you not to attend because you have a budget never experienced any financial challenges or may have had problems with family moochers (or insensitive family members) in the past. If it is a close relative and want to go talk with the organizer and adjust the gift to food budget ratio as you mentioned.

The party isn't strangers or random friends, it's family. I'm sure there is a way to work with your family and your budget so you can go.

But OP needs to be upfront with the host about what she can pay. Saying you are going to put in X amount isn’t really fair to the other people involved. DH and I have been the people that made up the short fall on more than one occasion.

It sucks to pay for stuff you didn’t eat or drink, but it also sucks to pay 40% of a bill that was supposed to be split 8 ways because “you didn’t share the apps” or “I only had one glass of wine”. A large group dinner isn’t the place for that. Sorry.

If I were hosting a gathering like this, I'd much rather pay 40% of the bill than exclude friends or relatives who are much less affluent and otherwise couldn't afford to attend. Also, it seems controlling for the host to order a bunch of appetizers and drinks "for the table", and then expect everyone else to pay up, regardless of whether they wanted the appetizers or even could eat the appetizers. In this day and age, so many people have food restrictions, are on diets, or have varying degrees of discretionary income. It's beyond tacky to host an event, order a bunch of things that disregard people's meal restrictions and/or budget, and then expect them to pay for that. You don't get to play the role of the lavish host if you're not footing the bill.

I agree with you, and I’m not speaking as the “host”. Be realistic - it’s not just the “host” ordering apps and wine. Everyone is ordering and eating what they want. As a “guest”, I have paid more than my fair share of the bill on many occasions. That was my point - it is not fair to the other guests to have a hard limit if you KNOW you may not be able to contribute the full amount.

We’ve all been somewhere wondering why the money is short if everyone contributed 1/8 or whatever of the final bill. That’s why I said OP needs to talk to the host PRIOR to the dinner so that doesn’t happen, and someone other than the host doesn’t get stuck with OP’s share of the bill.

I've been in OP's shoes. I order the cheapest salad or starter that can pass for a main on the menu as my main course and have a glass of wine that I nurse. I put down more cash than my meal plus tip could possibly cost, but not as much as others were spending and call it a day. If you only have cash and you're obviously covering your share, no one is going to call you out.