Would you inquire how the bill for dinner is being split?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you need to give a gift? In my circles, adults don’t usually get actual gifts (maybe parents, but not siblings or other their relatives). If we go out on their birthday, that’s a gift, so maybe you can use the gift $ towards the cost of the dinner.

Good point. I will reduce the gift. I had planned to give $75 but will give $50 as the gift instead and use the rest for dinner. $125 is my limit for the evening. Hopefully, that will be enough to cover either scenario of bill splitting.

I think this is a good plan OP. I think that you can also ask the host (if it's not the birthday relative) to get more information.

All the people telling you not to attend because you have a budget never experienced any financial challenges or may have had problems with family moochers (or insensitive family members) in the past. If it is a close relative and want to go talk with the organizer and adjust the gift to food budget ratio as you mentioned.

The party isn't strangers or random friends, it's family. I'm sure there is a way to work with your family and your budget so you can go.

But OP needs to be upfront with the host about what she can pay. Saying you are going to put in X amount isn’t really fair to the other people involved. DH and I have been the people that made up the short fall on more than one occasion.

It sucks to pay for stuff you didn’t eat or drink, but it also sucks to pay 40% of a bill that was supposed to be split 8 ways because “you didn’t share the apps” or “I only had one glass of wine”. A large group dinner isn’t the place for that. Sorry.

If I were hosting a gathering like this, I'd much rather pay 40% of the bill than exclude friends or relatives who are much less affluent and otherwise couldn't afford to attend. Also, it seems controlling for the host to order a bunch of appetizers and drinks "for the table", and then expect everyone else to pay up, regardless of whether they wanted the appetizers or even could eat the appetizers. In this day and age, so many people have food restrictions, are on diets, or have varying degrees of discretionary income. It's beyond tacky to host an event, order a bunch of things that disregard people's meal restrictions and/or budget, and then expect them to pay for that. You don't get to play the role of the lavish host if you're not footing the bill.

I agree with you, and I’m not speaking as the “host”. Be realistic - it’s not just the “host” ordering apps and wine. Everyone is ordering and eating what they want. As a “guest”, I have paid more than my fair share of the bill on many occasions. That was my point - it is not fair to the other guests to have a hard limit if you KNOW you may not be able to contribute the full amount.

We’ve all been somewhere wondering why the money is short if everyone contributed 1/8 or whatever of the final bill. That’s why I said OP needs to talk to the host PRIOR to the dinner so that doesn’t happen, and someone other than the host doesn’t get stuck with OP’s share of the bill.

I've been in OP's shoes. I order the cheapest salad or starter that can pass for a main on the menu as my main course and have a glass of wine that I nurse. I put down more cash than my meal plus tip could possibly cost, but not as much as others were spending and call it a day. If you only have cash and you're obviously covering your share, no one is going to call you out.

Right - so someone else pays your share of the split. No one is going to explicitly call you out, but if the bill is supposed to be evenly split, someone has to cover that. It *should* be the host, but often it’s someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you need to give a gift? In my circles, adults don’t usually get actual gifts (maybe parents, but not siblings or other their relatives). If we go out on their birthday, that’s a gift, so maybe you can use the gift $ towards the cost of the dinner.

Good point. I will reduce the gift. I had planned to give $75 but will give $50 as the gift instead and use the rest for dinner. $125 is my limit for the evening. Hopefully, that will be enough to cover either scenario of bill splitting.

I think this is a good plan OP. I think that you can also ask the host (if it's not the birthday relative) to get more information.

All the people telling you not to attend because you have a budget never experienced any financial challenges or may have had problems with family moochers (or insensitive family members) in the past. If it is a close relative and want to go talk with the organizer and adjust the gift to food budget ratio as you mentioned.

The party isn't strangers or random friends, it's family. I'm sure there is a way to work with your family and your budget so you can go.

But OP needs to be upfront with the host about what she can pay. Saying you are going to put in X amount isn’t really fair to the other people involved. DH and I have been the people that made up the short fall on more than one occasion.

It sucks to pay for stuff you didn’t eat or drink, but it also sucks to pay 40% of a bill that was supposed to be split 8 ways because “you didn’t share the apps” or “I only had one glass of wine”. A large group dinner isn’t the place for that. Sorry.

If I were hosting a gathering like this, I'd much rather pay 40% of the bill than exclude friends or relatives who are much less affluent and otherwise couldn't afford to attend. Also, it seems controlling for the host to order a bunch of appetizers and drinks "for the table", and then expect everyone else to pay up, regardless of whether they wanted the appetizers or even could eat the appetizers. In this day and age, so many people have food restrictions, are on diets, or have varying degrees of discretionary income. It's beyond tacky to host an event, order a bunch of things that disregard people's meal restrictions and/or budget, and then expect them to pay for that. You don't get to play the role of the lavish host if you're not footing the bill.

I agree with you, and I’m not speaking as the “host”. Be realistic - it’s not just the “host” ordering apps and wine. Everyone is ordering and eating what they want. As a “guest”, I have paid more than my fair share of the bill on many occasions. That was my point - it is not fair to the other guests to have a hard limit if you KNOW you may not be able to contribute the full amount.

We’ve all been somewhere wondering why the money is short if everyone contributed 1/8 or whatever of the final bill. That’s why I said OP needs to talk to the host PRIOR to the dinner so that doesn’t happen, and someone other than the host doesn’t get stuck with OP’s share of the bill.

I've been in OP's shoes. I order the cheapest salad or starter that can pass for a main on the menu as my main course and have a glass of wine that I nurse. I put down more cash than my meal plus tip could possibly cost, but not as much as others were spending and call it a day. If you only have cash and you're obviously covering your share, no one is going to call you out.

Right - so someone else pays your share of the split. No one is going to explicitly call you out, but if the bill is supposed to be evenly split, someone has to cover that. It *should* be the host, but often it’s someone else.

If someone spends $20 and put down $40, I consider them good. It's the person ordering a starter, the most expensive main, a cocktail, and splitting a bottle and then insisting on a split that I'd look down on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you need to give a gift? In my circles, adults don’t usually get actual gifts (maybe parents, but not siblings or other their relatives). If we go out on their birthday, that’s a gift, so maybe you can use the gift $ towards the cost of the dinner.

Good point. I will reduce the gift. I had planned to give $75 but will give $50 as the gift instead and use the rest for dinner. $125 is my limit for the evening. Hopefully, that will be enough to cover either scenario of bill splitting.

I think this is a good plan OP. I think that you can also ask the host (if it's not the birthday relative) to get more information.

All the people telling you not to attend because you have a budget never experienced any financial challenges or may have had problems with family moochers (or insensitive family members) in the past. If it is a close relative and want to go talk with the organizer and adjust the gift to food budget ratio as you mentioned.

The party isn't strangers or random friends, it's family. I'm sure there is a way to work with your family and your budget so you can go.

But OP needs to be upfront with the host about what she can pay. Saying you are going to put in X amount isn’t really fair to the other people involved. DH and I have been the people that made up the short fall on more than one occasion.

It sucks to pay for stuff you didn’t eat or drink, but it also sucks to pay 40% of a bill that was supposed to be split 8 ways because “you didn’t share the apps” or “I only had one glass of wine”. A large group dinner isn’t the place for that. Sorry.

If I were hosting a gathering like this, I'd much rather pay 40% of the bill than exclude friends or relatives who are much less affluent and otherwise couldn't afford to attend. Also, it seems controlling for the host to order a bunch of appetizers and drinks "for the table", and then expect everyone else to pay up, regardless of whether they wanted the appetizers or even could eat the appetizers. In this day and age, so many people have food restrictions, are on diets, or have varying degrees of discretionary income. It's beyond tacky to host an event, order a bunch of things that disregard people's meal restrictions and/or budget, and then expect them to pay for that. You don't get to play the role of the lavish host if you're not footing the bill.

I agree with you, and I’m not speaking as the “host”. Be realistic - it’s not just the “host” ordering apps and wine. Everyone is ordering and eating what they want. As a “guest”, I have paid more than my fair share of the bill on many occasions. That was my point - it is not fair to the other guests to have a hard limit if you KNOW you may not be able to contribute the full amount.

We’ve all been somewhere wondering why the money is short if everyone contributed 1/8 or whatever of the final bill. That’s why I said OP needs to talk to the host PRIOR to the dinner so that doesn’t happen, and someone other than the host doesn’t get stuck with OP’s share of the bill.

I've been in OP's shoes. I order the cheapest salad or starter that can pass for a main on the menu as my main course and have a glass of wine that I nurse. I put down more cash than my meal plus tip could possibly cost, but not as much as others were spending and call it a day. If you only have cash and you're obviously covering your share, no one is going to call you out.

Right - so someone else pays your share of the split. No one is going to explicitly call you out, but if the bill is supposed to be evenly split, someone has to cover that. It *should* be the host, but often it’s someone else.

Their share? Why should anyone’s share be considerably more than they ordered/consumed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you need to give a gift? In my circles, adults don’t usually get actual gifts (maybe parents, but not siblings or other their relatives). If we go out on their birthday, that’s a gift, so maybe you can use the gift $ towards the cost of the dinner.

Good point. I will reduce the gift. I had planned to give $75 but will give $50 as the gift instead and use the rest for dinner. $125 is my limit for the evening. Hopefully, that will be enough to cover either scenario of bill splitting.

I think this is a good plan OP. I think that you can also ask the host (if it's not the birthday relative) to get more information.

All the people telling you not to attend because you have a budget never experienced any financial challenges or may have had problems with family moochers (or insensitive family members) in the past. If it is a close relative and want to go talk with the organizer and adjust the gift to food budget ratio as you mentioned.

The party isn't strangers or random friends, it's family. I'm sure there is a way to work with your family and your budget so you can go.

But OP needs to be upfront with the host about what she can pay. Saying you are going to put in X amount isn’t really fair to the other people involved. DH and I have been the people that made up the short fall on more than one occasion.

It sucks to pay for stuff you didn’t eat or drink, but it also sucks to pay 40% of a bill that was supposed to be split 8 ways because “you didn’t share the apps” or “I only had one glass of wine”. A large group dinner isn’t the place for that. Sorry.

If I were hosting a gathering like this, I'd much rather pay 40% of the bill than exclude friends or relatives who are much less affluent and otherwise couldn't afford to attend. Also, it seems controlling for the host to order a bunch of appetizers and drinks "for the table", and then expect everyone else to pay up, regardless of whether they wanted the appetizers or even could eat the appetizers. In this day and age, so many people have food restrictions, are on diets, or have varying degrees of discretionary income. It's beyond tacky to host an event, order a bunch of things that disregard people's meal restrictions and/or budget, and then expect them to pay for that. You don't get to play the role of the lavish host if you're not footing the bill.

I agree with you, and I’m not speaking as the “host”. Be realistic - it’s not just the “host” ordering apps and wine. Everyone is ordering and eating what they want. As a “guest”, I have paid more than my fair share of the bill on many occasions. That was my point - it is not fair to the other guests to have a hard limit if you KNOW you may not be able to contribute the full amount.

We’ve all been somewhere wondering why the money is short if everyone contributed 1/8 or whatever of the final bill. That’s why I said OP needs to talk to the host PRIOR to the dinner so that doesn’t happen, and someone other than the host doesn’t get stuck with OP’s share of the bill.

I've been in OP's shoes. I order the cheapest salad or starter that can pass for a main on the menu as my main course and have a glass of wine that I nurse. I put down more cash than my meal plus tip could possibly cost, but not as much as others were spending and call it a day. If you only have cash and you're obviously covering your share, no one is going to call you out.

Right - so someone else pays your share of the split. No one is going to explicitly call you out, but if the bill is supposed to be evenly split, someone has to cover that. It *should* be the host, but often it’s someone else.

Their share? Why should anyone’s share be considerably more than they ordered/consumed?

Stop being obtuse. If it was agreed that the bill should be split evenly, and OP puts down $50 instead of $75, that creates a problem for the person who needs to pay OP’s share (who may not be the host). If OP can’t afford to split the bill, she shouldn’t go, or she should contact the host and discuss it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you need to give a gift? In my circles, adults don’t usually get actual gifts (maybe parents, but not siblings or other their relatives). If we go out on their birthday, that’s a gift, so maybe you can use the gift $ towards the cost of the dinner.

Good point. I will reduce the gift. I had planned to give $75 but will give $50 as the gift instead and use the rest for dinner. $125 is my limit for the evening. Hopefully, that will be enough to cover either scenario of bill splitting.

I think this is a good plan OP. I think that you can also ask the host (if it's not the birthday relative) to get more information.

All the people telling you not to attend because you have a budget never experienced any financial challenges or may have had problems with family moochers (or insensitive family members) in the past. If it is a close relative and want to go talk with the organizer and adjust the gift to food budget ratio as you mentioned.

The party isn't strangers or random friends, it's family. I'm sure there is a way to work with your family and your budget so you can go.

But OP needs to be upfront with the host about what she can pay. Saying you are going to put in X amount isn’t really fair to the other people involved. DH and I have been the people that made up the short fall on more than one occasion.

It sucks to pay for stuff you didn’t eat or drink, but it also sucks to pay 40% of a bill that was supposed to be split 8 ways because “you didn’t share the apps” or “I only had one glass of wine”. A large group dinner isn’t the place for that. Sorry.

If I were hosting a gathering like this, I'd much rather pay 40% of the bill than exclude friends or relatives who are much less affluent and otherwise couldn't afford to attend. Also, it seems controlling for the host to order a bunch of appetizers and drinks "for the table", and then expect everyone else to pay up, regardless of whether they wanted the appetizers or even could eat the appetizers. In this day and age, so many people have food restrictions, are on diets, or have varying degrees of discretionary income. It's beyond tacky to host an event, order a bunch of things that disregard people's meal restrictions and/or budget, and then expect them to pay for that. You don't get to play the role of the lavish host if you're not footing the bill.

I agree with you, and I’m not speaking as the “host”. Be realistic - it’s not just the “host” ordering apps and wine. Everyone is ordering and eating what they want. As a “guest”, I have paid more than my fair share of the bill on many occasions. That was my point - it is not fair to the other guests to have a hard limit if you KNOW you may not be able to contribute the full amount.

We’ve all been somewhere wondering why the money is short if everyone contributed 1/8 or whatever of the final bill. That’s why I said OP needs to talk to the host PRIOR to the dinner so that doesn’t happen, and someone other than the host doesn’t get stuck with OP’s share of the bill.

I've been in OP's shoes. I order the cheapest salad or starter that can pass for a main on the menu as my main course and have a glass of wine that I nurse. I put down more cash than my meal plus tip could possibly cost, but not as much as others were spending and call it a day. If you only have cash and you're obviously covering your share, no one is going to call you out.

Right - so someone else pays your share of the split. No one is going to explicitly call you out, but if the bill is supposed to be evenly split, someone has to cover that. It *should* be the host, but often it’s someone else.

Their share? Why should anyone’s share be considerably more than they ordered/consumed?

Stop being obtuse. If it was agreed that the bill should be split evenly, and OP puts down $50 instead of $75, that creates a problem for the person who needs to pay OP’s share (who may not be the host). If OP can’t afford to split the bill, she shouldn’t go, or she should contact the host and discuss it.

Listen I am a big bill splitter. I hate nickle and diming. I hate having a big thing at the end of the meal where everyone starts pulling out calculators. I would rather pay above and beyond then deal with all of that. But I also don't want someone I care about to stretch their budget to the seams just to hang out with me. And the problem is that the bolded is usually inaccurate, it isn't agreed upon, its implied. And I don't want to imply to people I care about that they need to be nervous about asserting their needs.

If someone orders less, its obvious, and if that person throws down an ample amount of cash to cover their meal, they are also participating in the silent conversation of meals. They are saying, 'this is all I can afford' and if you judge them for it you are not being a friend. A friend sees that and says, 'wanna split the rest?' to the others and doesn't make a big deal about it at all, they hear what their friend is saying, accept them for who they are, and exercise their own needs thereafter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you need to give a gift? In my circles, adults don’t usually get actual gifts (maybe parents, but not siblings or other their relatives). If we go out on their birthday, that’s a gift, so maybe you can use the gift $ towards the cost of the dinner.

Good point. I will reduce the gift. I had planned to give $75 but will give $50 as the gift instead and use the rest for dinner. $125 is my limit for the evening. Hopefully, that will be enough to cover either scenario of bill splitting.

I think this is a good plan OP. I think that you can also ask the host (if it's not the birthday relative) to get more information.

All the people telling you not to attend because you have a budget never experienced any financial challenges or may have had problems with family moochers (or insensitive family members) in the past. If it is a close relative and want to go talk with the organizer and adjust the gift to food budget ratio as you mentioned.

The party isn't strangers or random friends, it's family. I'm sure there is a way to work with your family and your budget so you can go.

But OP needs to be upfront with the host about what she can pay. Saying you are going to put in X amount isn’t really fair to the other people involved. DH and I have been the people that made up the short fall on more than one occasion.

It sucks to pay for stuff you didn’t eat or drink, but it also sucks to pay 40% of a bill that was supposed to be split 8 ways because “you didn’t share the apps” or “I only had one glass of wine”. A large group dinner isn’t the place for that. Sorry.

If I were hosting a gathering like this, I'd much rather pay 40% of the bill than exclude friends or relatives who are much less affluent and otherwise couldn't afford to attend. Also, it seems controlling for the host to order a bunch of appetizers and drinks "for the table", and then expect everyone else to pay up, regardless of whether they wanted the appetizers or even could eat the appetizers. In this day and age, so many people have food restrictions, are on diets, or have varying degrees of discretionary income. It's beyond tacky to host an event, order a bunch of things that disregard people's meal restrictions and/or budget, and then expect them to pay for that. You don't get to play the role of the lavish host if you're not footing the bill.

I agree with you, and I’m not speaking as the “host”. Be realistic - it’s not just the “host” ordering apps and wine. Everyone is ordering and eating what they want. As a “guest”, I have paid more than my fair share of the bill on many occasions. That was my point - it is not fair to the other guests to have a hard limit if you KNOW you may not be able to contribute the full amount.

We’ve all been somewhere wondering why the money is short if everyone contributed 1/8 or whatever of the final bill. That’s why I said OP needs to talk to the host PRIOR to the dinner so that doesn’t happen, and someone other than the host doesn’t get stuck with OP’s share of the bill.

I've been in OP's shoes. I order the cheapest salad or starter that can pass for a main on the menu as my main course and have a glass of wine that I nurse. I put down more cash than my meal plus tip could possibly cost, but not as much as others were spending and call it a day. If you only have cash and you're obviously covering your share, no one is going to call you out.

Right - so someone else pays your share of the split. No one is going to explicitly call you out, but if the bill is supposed to be evenly split, someone has to cover that. It *should* be the host, but often it’s someone else.

Their share? Why should anyone’s share be considerably more than they ordered/consumed?

Stop being obtuse. If it was agreed that the bill should be split evenly, and OP puts down $50 instead of $75, that creates a problem for the person who needs to pay OP’s share (who may not be the host). If OP can’t afford to split the bill, she shouldn’t go, or she should contact the host and discuss it.

So you’re saying that you’d rather your friends and family not go if they can’t cover more than their share, even if they order responsibly and still cover more than their order costs. You sound awesome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you need to give a gift? In my circles, adults don’t usually get actual gifts (maybe parents, but not siblings or other their relatives). If we go out on their birthday, that’s a gift, so maybe you can use the gift $ towards the cost of the dinner.

Good point. I will reduce the gift. I had planned to give $75 but will give $50 as the gift instead and use the rest for dinner. $125 is my limit for the evening. Hopefully, that will be enough to cover either scenario of bill splitting.

I think this is a good plan OP. I think that you can also ask the host (if it's not the birthday relative) to get more information.

All the people telling you not to attend because you have a budget never experienced any financial challenges or may have had problems with family moochers (or insensitive family members) in the past. If it is a close relative and want to go talk with the organizer and adjust the gift to food budget ratio as you mentioned.

The party isn't strangers or random friends, it's family. I'm sure there is a way to work with your family and your budget so you can go.

But OP needs to be upfront with the host about what she can pay. Saying you are going to put in X amount isn’t really fair to the other people involved. DH and I have been the people that made up the short fall on more than one occasion.

It sucks to pay for stuff you didn’t eat or drink, but it also sucks to pay 40% of a bill that was supposed to be split 8 ways because “you didn’t share the apps” or “I only had one glass of wine”. A large group dinner isn’t the place for that. Sorry.

If I were hosting a gathering like this, I'd much rather pay 40% of the bill than exclude friends or relatives who are much less affluent and otherwise couldn't afford to attend. Also, it seems controlling for the host to order a bunch of appetizers and drinks "for the table", and then expect everyone else to pay up, regardless of whether they wanted the appetizers or even could eat the appetizers. In this day and age, so many people have food restrictions, are on diets, or have varying degrees of discretionary income. It's beyond tacky to host an event, order a bunch of things that disregard people's meal restrictions and/or budget, and then expect them to pay for that. You don't get to play the role of the lavish host if you're not footing the bill.

I agree with you, and I’m not speaking as the “host”. Be realistic - it’s not just the “host” ordering apps and wine. Everyone is ordering and eating what they want. As a “guest”, I have paid more than my fair share of the bill on many occasions. That was my point - it is not fair to the other guests to have a hard limit if you KNOW you may not be able to contribute the full amount.

We’ve all been somewhere wondering why the money is short if everyone contributed 1/8 or whatever of the final bill. That’s why I said OP needs to talk to the host PRIOR to the dinner so that doesn’t happen, and someone other than the host doesn’t get stuck with OP’s share of the bill.

I've been in OP's shoes. I order the cheapest salad or starter that can pass for a main on the menu as my main course and have a glass of wine that I nurse. I put down more cash than my meal plus tip could possibly cost, but not as much as others were spending and call it a day. If you only have cash and you're obviously covering your share, no one is going to call you out.

Right - so someone else pays your share of the split. No one is going to explicitly call you out, but if the bill is supposed to be evenly split, someone has to cover that. It *should* be the host, but often it’s someone else.

Their share? Why should anyone’s share be considerably more than they ordered/consumed?

Stop being obtuse. If it was agreed that the bill should be split evenly, and OP puts down $50 instead of $75, that creates a problem for the person who needs to pay OP’s share (who may not be the host). If OP can’t afford to split the bill, she shouldn’t go, or she should contact the host and discuss it.

So you’re saying that you’d rather your friends and family not go if they can’t cover more than their share, even if they order responsibly and still cover more than their order costs. You sound awesome.

No - I am saying they need to communicate, prior to the event. IF the bill is supposed to be split evenly, it’s not fair to put in something less and quietly hope someone makes up the difference. When a friend was out of work and we met up for dinner, I paid the tab. When a friend “hosted” her husband’s birthday party, and people didn’t pay their “share”, my DH and I helped make up the difference. The shortfall was hundreds of dollars.

If the restaurant is expensive, realistically OP can’t afford to go OR she needs to be upfront with the host. That’s it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s ok to ask whoever is planning it.

+1

+2 asking in advance is great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you need to give a gift? In my circles, adults don’t usually get actual gifts (maybe parents, but not siblings or other their relatives). If we go out on their birthday, that’s a gift, so maybe you can use the gift $ towards the cost of the dinner.

Good point. I will reduce the gift. I had planned to give $75 but will give $50 as the gift instead and use the rest for dinner. $125 is my limit for the evening. Hopefully, that will be enough to cover either scenario of bill splitting.

I think this is a good plan OP. I think that you can also ask the host (if it's not the birthday relative) to get more information.

All the people telling you not to attend because you have a budget never experienced any financial challenges or may have had problems with family moochers (or insensitive family members) in the past. If it is a close relative and want to go talk with the organizer and adjust the gift to food budget ratio as you mentioned.

The party isn't strangers or random friends, it's family. I'm sure there is a way to work with your family and your budget so you can go.

But OP needs to be upfront with the host about what she can pay. Saying you are going to put in X amount isn’t really fair to the other people involved. DH and I have been the people that made up the short fall on more than one occasion.

It sucks to pay for stuff you didn’t eat or drink, but it also sucks to pay 40% of a bill that was supposed to be split 8 ways because “you didn’t share the apps” or “I only had one glass of wine”. A large group dinner isn’t the place for that. Sorry.

If I were hosting a gathering like this, I'd much rather pay 40% of the bill than exclude friends or relatives who are much less affluent and otherwise couldn't afford to attend. Also, it seems controlling for the host to order a bunch of appetizers and drinks "for the table", and then expect everyone else to pay up, regardless of whether they wanted the appetizers or even could eat the appetizers. In this day and age, so many people have food restrictions, are on diets, or have varying degrees of discretionary income. It's beyond tacky to host an event, order a bunch of things that disregard people's meal restrictions and/or budget, and then expect them to pay for that. You don't get to play the role of the lavish host if you're not footing the bill.

I agree with you, and I’m not speaking as the “host”. Be realistic - it’s not just the “host” ordering apps and wine. Everyone is ordering and eating what they want. As a “guest”, I have paid more than my fair share of the bill on many occasions. That was my point - it is not fair to the other guests to have a hard limit if you KNOW you may not be able to contribute the full amount.

We’ve all been somewhere wondering why the money is short if everyone contributed 1/8 or whatever of the final bill. That’s why I said OP needs to talk to the host PRIOR to the dinner so that doesn’t happen, and someone other than the host doesn’t get stuck with OP’s share of the bill.

I've been in OP's shoes. I order the cheapest salad or starter that can pass for a main on the menu as my main course and have a glass of wine that I nurse. I put down more cash than my meal plus tip could possibly cost, but not as much as others were spending and call it a day. If you only have cash and you're obviously covering your share, no one is going to call you out.

Right - so someone else pays your share of the split. No one is going to explicitly call you out, but if the bill is supposed to be evenly split, someone has to cover that. It *should* be the host, but often it’s someone else.

Their share? Why should anyone’s share be considerably more than they ordered/consumed?

It’s just cultural. It’s easier for everyone and the staff to do an even split, especially back before every restaurant had computerized point of sale systems. I think it’s considerably easier to split checks now. In my 20’s I had a friend who was always super conscious of this and I often covered her, I would put down a card for two split shares and she would pay me back, but only for what she ordered. She was always a little short on tax and tip, even for just what she ordered. NBD, I never gave it a second thought and we’re still good friends. It’s nice to be gracious and generous when you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you need to give a gift? In my circles, adults don’t usually get actual gifts (maybe parents, but not siblings or other their relatives). If we go out on their birthday, that’s a gift, so maybe you can use the gift $ towards the cost of the dinner.

Good point. I will reduce the gift. I had planned to give $75 but will give $50 as the gift instead and use the rest for dinner. $125 is my limit for the evening. Hopefully, that will be enough to cover either scenario of bill splitting.

I think this is a good plan OP. I think that you can also ask the host (if it's not the birthday relative) to get more information.

All the people telling you not to attend because you have a budget never experienced any financial challenges or may have had problems with family moochers (or insensitive family members) in the past. If it is a close relative and want to go talk with the organizer and adjust the gift to food budget ratio as you mentioned.

The party isn't strangers or random friends, it's family. I'm sure there is a way to work with your family and your budget so you can go.

But OP needs to be upfront with the host about what she can pay. Saying you are going to put in X amount isn’t really fair to the other people involved. DH and I have been the people that made up the short fall on more than one occasion.

It sucks to pay for stuff you didn’t eat or drink, but it also sucks to pay 40% of a bill that was supposed to be split 8 ways because “you didn’t share the apps” or “I only had one glass of wine”. A large group dinner isn’t the place for that. Sorry.

If I were hosting a gathering like this, I'd much rather pay 40% of the bill than exclude friends or relatives who are much less affluent and otherwise couldn't afford to attend. Also, it seems controlling for the host to order a bunch of appetizers and drinks "for the table", and then expect everyone else to pay up, regardless of whether they wanted the appetizers or even could eat the appetizers. In this day and age, so many people have food restrictions, are on diets, or have varying degrees of discretionary income. It's beyond tacky to host an event, order a bunch of things that disregard people's meal restrictions and/or budget, and then expect them to pay for that. You don't get to play the role of the lavish host if you're not footing the bill.

I agree with you, and I’m not speaking as the “host”. Be realistic - it’s not just the “host” ordering apps and wine. Everyone is ordering and eating what they want. As a “guest”, I have paid more than my fair share of the bill on many occasions. That was my point - it is not fair to the other guests to have a hard limit if you KNOW you may not be able to contribute the full amount.

We’ve all been somewhere wondering why the money is short if everyone contributed 1/8 or whatever of the final bill. That’s why I said OP needs to talk to the host PRIOR to the dinner so that doesn’t happen, and someone other than the host doesn’t get stuck with OP’s share of the bill.

I've been in OP's shoes. I order the cheapest salad or starter that can pass for a main on the menu as my main course and have a glass of wine that I nurse. I put down more cash than my meal plus tip could possibly cost, but not as much as others were spending and call it a day. If you only have cash and you're obviously covering your share, no one is going to call you out.

Right - so someone else pays your share of the split. No one is going to explicitly call you out, but if the bill is supposed to be evenly split, someone has to cover that. It *should* be the host, but often it’s someone else.

Their share? Why should anyone’s share be considerably more than they ordered/consumed?

It’s just cultural. It’s easier for everyone and the staff to do an even split, especially back before every restaurant had computerized point of sale systems. I think it’s considerably easier to split checks now. In my 20’s I had a friend who was always super conscious of this and I often covered her, I would put down a card for two split shares and she would pay me back, but only for what she ordered. She was always a little short on tax and tip, even for just what she ordered. NBD, I never gave it a second thought and we’re still good friends. It’s nice to be gracious and generous when you can.

When I eat out with a group of friends, we will notice that, for example, 2 people had no drinks and the rest each had appetizers plus 2 drinks. So those two people will pay to cover their own meal plus tax, tip, and the rest of us will split the balance evenly. It helps to have someone who DIDNT spend less be the one to notice and suggest this kind of modified split of bill. So if OP can have someone else notice and suggest: “Larla didn’t have any apps or wine, she should just cover her entree and soft drink, we (who had appetizers and multiple cocktails) will split the rest”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you need to give a gift? In my circles, adults don’t usually get actual gifts (maybe parents, but not siblings or other their relatives). If we go out on their birthday, that’s a gift, so maybe you can use the gift $ towards the cost of the dinner.

Good point. I will reduce the gift. I had planned to give $75 but will give $50 as the gift instead and use the rest for dinner. $125 is my limit for the evening. Hopefully, that will be enough to cover either scenario of bill splitting.

I think this is a good plan OP. I think that you can also ask the host (if it's not the birthday relative) to get more information.

All the people telling you not to attend because you have a budget never experienced any financial challenges or may have had problems with family moochers (or insensitive family members) in the past. If it is a close relative and want to go talk with the organizer and adjust the gift to food budget ratio as you mentioned.

The party isn't strangers or random friends, it's family. I'm sure there is a way to work with your family and your budget so you can go.

But OP needs to be upfront with the host about what she can pay. Saying you are going to put in X amount isn’t really fair to the other people involved. DH and I have been the people that made up the short fall on more than one occasion.

It sucks to pay for stuff you didn’t eat or drink, but it also sucks to pay 40% of a bill that was supposed to be split 8 ways because “you didn’t share the apps” or “I only had one glass of wine”. A large group dinner isn’t the place for that. Sorry.

If I were hosting a gathering like this, I'd much rather pay 40% of the bill than exclude friends or relatives who are much less affluent and otherwise couldn't afford to attend. Also, it seems controlling for the host to order a bunch of appetizers and drinks "for the table", and then expect everyone else to pay up, regardless of whether they wanted the appetizers or even could eat the appetizers. In this day and age, so many people have food restrictions, are on diets, or have varying degrees of discretionary income. It's beyond tacky to host an event, order a bunch of things that disregard people's meal restrictions and/or budget, and then expect them to pay for that. You don't get to play the role of the lavish host if you're not footing the bill.

I agree with you, and I’m not speaking as the “host”. Be realistic - it’s not just the “host” ordering apps and wine. Everyone is ordering and eating what they want. As a “guest”, I have paid more than my fair share of the bill on many occasions. That was my point - it is not fair to the other guests to have a hard limit if you KNOW you may not be able to contribute the full amount.

We’ve all been somewhere wondering why the money is short if everyone contributed 1/8 or whatever of the final bill. That’s why I said OP needs to talk to the host PRIOR to the dinner so that doesn’t happen, and someone other than the host doesn’t get stuck with OP’s share of the bill.

I've been in OP's shoes. I order the cheapest salad or starter that can pass for a main on the menu as my main course and have a glass of wine that I nurse. I put down more cash than my meal plus tip could possibly cost, but not as much as others were spending and call it a day. If you only have cash and you're obviously covering your share, no one is going to call you out.

Right - so someone else pays your share of the split. No one is going to explicitly call you out, but if the bill is supposed to be evenly split, someone has to cover that. It *should* be the host, but often it’s someone else.

Their share? Why should anyone’s share be considerably more than they ordered/consumed?

Stop being obtuse. If it was agreed that the bill should be split evenly, and OP puts down $50 instead of $75, that creates a problem for the person who needs to pay OP’s share (who may not be the host). If OP can’t afford to split the bill, she shouldn’t go, or she should contact the host and discuss it.

But it usually isn't agreed beforehand. What has invariably happened to me is that I will order substantially less than other people, assuming that we're all paying our own way. When the bill arrives, someone who consumed more than the average will always pull out their calculator and declare what the even share is for the meal. If you aren't crystal clear that the expectation is an even split, then you are the problem. It's especially galling when maybe you would have enjoyed a drink or a more expensive entree, but chose to be frugal, only to be expected to pitch in a bunch extra to cover everyone else's drinks and more expensive entrees.

Again, unless you are crystal clear about expectations, you're being ridiculous to say that if I racked up $20 of the bill and that you racked up $100, I am somehow stiffing you by making you pay YOUR $100. Why should I be more responsible than you are for paying the remaining $40 of YOUR TAB?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you need to give a gift? In my circles, adults don’t usually get actual gifts (maybe parents, but not siblings or other their relatives). If we go out on their birthday, that’s a gift, so maybe you can use the gift $ towards the cost of the dinner.

Good point. I will reduce the gift. I had planned to give $75 but will give $50 as the gift instead and use the rest for dinner. $125 is my limit for the evening. Hopefully, that will be enough to cover either scenario of bill splitting.

I think this is a good plan OP. I think that you can also ask the host (if it's not the birthday relative) to get more information.

All the people telling you not to attend because you have a budget never experienced any financial challenges or may have had problems with family moochers (or insensitive family members) in the past. If it is a close relative and want to go talk with the organizer and adjust the gift to food budget ratio as you mentioned.

The party isn't strangers or random friends, it's family. I'm sure there is a way to work with your family and your budget so you can go.

But OP needs to be upfront with the host about what she can pay. Saying you are going to put in X amount isn’t really fair to the other people involved. DH and I have been the people that made up the short fall on more than one occasion.

It sucks to pay for stuff you didn’t eat or drink, but it also sucks to pay 40% of a bill that was supposed to be split 8 ways because “you didn’t share the apps” or “I only had one glass of wine”. A large group dinner isn’t the place for that. Sorry.

If I were hosting a gathering like this, I'd much rather pay 40% of the bill than exclude friends or relatives who are much less affluent and otherwise couldn't afford to attend. Also, it seems controlling for the host to order a bunch of appetizers and drinks "for the table", and then expect everyone else to pay up, regardless of whether they wanted the appetizers or even could eat the appetizers. In this day and age, so many people have food restrictions, are on diets, or have varying degrees of discretionary income. It's beyond tacky to host an event, order a bunch of things that disregard people's meal restrictions and/or budget, and then expect them to pay for that. You don't get to play the role of the lavish host if you're not footing the bill.

I agree with you, and I’m not speaking as the “host”. Be realistic - it’s not just the “host” ordering apps and wine. Everyone is ordering and eating what they want. As a “guest”, I have paid more than my fair share of the bill on many occasions. That was my point - it is not fair to the other guests to have a hard limit if you KNOW you may not be able to contribute the full amount.

We’ve all been somewhere wondering why the money is short if everyone contributed 1/8 or whatever of the final bill. That’s why I said OP needs to talk to the host PRIOR to the dinner so that doesn’t happen, and someone other than the host doesn’t get stuck with OP’s share of the bill.

I've been in OP's shoes. I order the cheapest salad or starter that can pass for a main on the menu as my main course and have a glass of wine that I nurse. I put down more cash than my meal plus tip could possibly cost, but not as much as others were spending and call it a day. If you only have cash and you're obviously covering your share, no one is going to call you out.

Right - so someone else pays your share of the split. No one is going to explicitly call you out, but if the bill is supposed to be evenly split, someone has to cover that. It *should* be the host, but often it’s someone else.

Their share? Why should anyone’s share be considerably more than they ordered/consumed?

It’s just cultural. It’s easier for everyone and the staff to do an even split, especially back before every restaurant had computerized point of sale systems. I think it’s considerably easier to split checks now. In my 20’s I had a friend who was always super conscious of this and I often covered her, I would put down a card for two split shares and she would pay me back, but only for what she ordered. She was always a little short on tax and tip, even for just what she ordered. NBD, I never gave it a second thought and we’re still good friends. It’s nice to be gracious and generous when you can.

WTF is this BS? No, it's not a cultural expectation anywhere. It only became a cultural expectation because some people are incurable mooches and use it to make other people pay for them. It's also not that much easier for everyone to do an even split. If you passed 4th grade math and have a phone with a built in calculator, it's trivially easy to pay for your share. Is the cultural expectation really that we're a bunch of lazy morons who can't handle basic math?

[Anonymous]

These situations pop up because the host/organizer fails to communicate. S/he should be telling everybody right up front whether s/he is treating, or that they'll all split the bill evenly and treat the birthday person, or that the restaurant will accommodate separate checks, or whatever the case. You can't fault somebody for wanting to pay only for what they ordered/consumed if the host didn't communicate, and you can't characterize that person as somehow cheating the rest of the group for... not subsidizing their more expensive meals? What?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You shouldn't go. You are too uptight and too cheap to go to any sort of group dinner.

You are a horrible human being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These situations pop up because the host/organizer fails to communicate. S/he should be telling everybody right up front whether s/he is treating, or that they'll all split the bill evenly and treat the birthday person, or that the restaurant will accommodate separate checks, or whatever the case. You can't fault somebody for wanting to pay only for what they ordered/consumed if the host didn't communicate, and you can't characterize that person as somehow cheating the rest of the group for... not subsidizing their more expensive meals? What?

I completely agree with everything you said, but why is it necessary for the restaurant to accommodate separate checks if you don't want to split evenly? If you bring cash, what's the difference between placing on the table the cost of your items + 40% or so to cover tax + tip and placing the cost of whatever your share is for an evenly split meal? In both cases, the restaurant doesn't have to do anything.