I made a huge mistake. Never should have Married DH. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Umm I’m a woman (and a mom) and I think she’s overreacting to everything she’s described. I think she needs a lot of attention, his family is over it, and she needs to grow out of that. I can only imagine what her wedding was like. Highly recommend couples therapy for you op.

I wanted to elope or have something very small. MIL wanted a blow out wedding and to invite 93843984 people that we had never met, without contributing a penny. DH: "If this will make my mom happy what is the harm?" I almost called it off. I should have. It was a harbinger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmm? Still waiting! Still waiting for OP or any of her defenders to address this point:

If my ILs were horrible/rude, I would want to see ***less of them,*** and I wouldn't want them around my baby. I would do cartwheels for every time I didn't have to see them. Heck, my ILs are all-around very nice and fairly unproblematic, and I would still like to see less of them. So please, by all means: take a shot and rationally try to explain to me how OP is justified in thinking they are horrible people, AND wanting them to visit/hold/give gifts more? I would love to see you try to make sense of that. Can you?

My DH wants them to interact with his child. I may have zero interest in being around them, but it is important to him that they spend time with his daughter.
He was very hurt that they lived 15 minutes away and did not see the baby for 3 months.

Two things can be true. I can think that my in laws suck AND also be empathetic to his pain of his family not showing interest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not holding babies right now because of COVID. Why do you want a bunch of people holding your newborn during a pandemic? Maybe he was worried he would t be good at keeping the baby from crying? I’ve also said no from holding babies due to shoulder pain.

He came to the baptism. Isn’t that enough?

The baptism was in February of 2020.

[Anonymous]

You and your husband definitely have major issues. You are making a mistake focusing on small things (like someone holding a baby) over the fundamentals. Fundamentally, your hsuband does not seem to respect you. He thinks it is more important to make his mom happy than you. He is selfish enough to hold out for the perfect job over something that contributes to family.

The reality is that you have your own issues as well (we all do — no one is perfect).

The question is where do you go from here. Individual and marriage counseling might really help. But you have never responded that you are willing to try this. If you don’t want to try counseling, then your choices are to remain miserable or get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and your husband definitely have major issues. You are making a mistake focusing on small things (like someone holding a baby) over the fundamentals. Fundamentally, your hsuband does not seem to respect you. He thinks it is more important to make his mom happy than you. He is selfish enough to hold out for the perfect job over something that contributes to family.

The reality is that you have your own issues as well (we all do — no one is perfect).

The question is where do you go from here. Individual and marriage counseling might really help. But you have never responded that you are willing to try this. If you don’t want to try counseling, then your choices are to remain miserable or get a divorce.

THIS. Exactly how I feel.
I will never proclaim to be a perfect person. But I consider my main family unit to be my spouse and child. That does not mean neglecting or cutting off my family of origin, but to me, it means making decisions that prioritize my spouse and child.
It means sometimes saying NO to my parents. It means considering my husband's opinion on a situation as more important than my mom's.
I am in individual counseling. We have done couple therapy before but ended it twice, with 2 different providers, because DH did not htink it was productive.
One counselor actually dared to use the enmeshed word and pointed out that dh did not have appropriate boundaries with his family.
DH WALKED OUT of the appointment. It was mortifying.

[Anonymous]

You are adding this info 8 pages in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Umm I’m a woman (and a mom) and I think she’s overreacting to everything she’s described. I think she needs a lot of attention, his family is over it, and she needs to grow out of that. I can only imagine what her wedding was like. Highly recommend couples therapy for you op.

I wanted to elope or have something very small. MIL wanted a blow out wedding and to invite 93843984 people that we had never met, without contributing a penny. DH: "If this will make my mom happy what is the harm?" I almost called it off. I should have. It was a harbinger.

You and your husband seem to have radically different views of the purpose of events and how much you owe to others vs yourself. The wedding is a good example. If you are the type to believe that the wedding should be the bride's special day and her wishes matter more than any other person's, then it seems absurd to defer to the MIL's wishes. If you view the wedding as primarily for others to celebrate/consecrate/solemnize the union, then it seems absurd NOT to consider the other family member's wishes MORE than the couple's or bride's. Same with births, baptisms, etc. etc.

I'm not saying you are right or wrong. What is concerning is that you seem unable to see that others might reasonably view these events differently than you do, and you attribute the different views to entirely negative traits: weakness, selfishness, "codependence", etc. And your way of responding to any sort of criticism, even gentle, is so over-the-top, that it is no wonder you haven't come to any sort of middle ground.

Again, your husband seems to suffer from a similar lack of perspective, and may be overly deferential. But the bigger problem is that you two are unable to recognize the legitimacy of different views and come to a practical middle ground.

You can get divorced if you want. You can grind out a war with your in-laws if you want. You can continue to "be right" in whatever way you think you want to be right. But you should really think about whether that's something that you want to inflict on your kids, and whether that is how you want to spend this one wild life you have.

[Anonymous]

You "fix" your mistake and get a divorce. That's it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and your husband definitely have major issues. You are making a mistake focusing on small things (like someone holding a baby) over the fundamentals. Fundamentally, your hsuband does not seem to respect you. He thinks it is more important to make his mom happy than you. He is selfish enough to hold out for the perfect job over something that contributes to family.

The reality is that you have your own issues as well (we all do — no one is perfect).

The question is where do you go from here. Individual and marriage counseling might really help. But you have never responded that you are willing to try this. If you don’t want to try counseling, then your choices are to remain miserable or get a divorce.

THIS. Exactly how I feel.
I will never proclaim to be a perfect person. But I consider my main family unit to be my spouse and child. That does not mean neglecting or cutting off my family of origin, but to me, it means making decisions that prioritize my spouse and child.
It means sometimes saying NO to my parents. It means considering my husband's opinion on a situation as more important than my mom's.
I am in individual counseling. We have done couple therapy before but ended it twice, with 2 different providers, because DH did not htink it was productive.
One counselor actually dared to use the enmeshed word and pointed out that dh did not have appropriate boundaries with his family.
DH WALKED OUT of the appointment. It was mortifying.

DP. Is this you above, OP? If so -- I note you say you are currently in individual counseling. What does your counselor say? Do you only vent there, or do you discuss coping strategies?
I'm not actually asking you to report to us strangers what you discuss in counseling. I'm asking, really, if the counseling is helping you make any choices, see anything differently, or develop any specific strategies for coping when he does things that are problematic for you. In short, is the counseling just to vent or is it intended to help you cope day to day and also possibly assess whether to stay or go? Have you told the counselor everything you are telling us here? And if not -- why not, what's holding you back?

I'm sorry he walked out on that appointment. It sounds as if he cannot be open to hearing an objective third party question his relationship with his family of origin. Keep going to YOUR individual counseling, maybe even double down and do more if you need to. But be sure it's actually helping you move forward and cope, not just vent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and your husband definitely have major issues. You are making a mistake focusing on small things (like someone holding a baby) over the fundamentals. Fundamentally, your hsuband does not seem to respect you. He thinks it is more important to make his mom happy than you. He is selfish enough to hold out for the perfect job over something that contributes to family.

The reality is that you have your own issues as well (we all do — no one is perfect).

The question is where do you go from here. Individual and marriage counseling might really help. But you have never responded that you are willing to try this. If you don’t want to try counseling, then your choices are to remain miserable or get a divorce.

THIS. Exactly how I feel.
I will never proclaim to be a perfect person. But I consider my main family unit to be my spouse and child. That does not mean neglecting or cutting off my family of origin, but to me, it means making decisions that prioritize my spouse and child.
It means sometimes saying NO to my parents. It means considering my husband's opinion on a situation as more important than my mom's.
I am in individual counseling. We have done couple therapy before but ended it twice, with 2 different providers, because DH did not htink it was productive.
One counselor actually dared to use the enmeshed word and pointed out that dh did not have appropriate boundaries with his family.
DH WALKED OUT of the appointment. It was mortifying.

DP. Is this you above, OP? If so -- I note you say you are currently in individual counseling. What does your counselor say? Do you only vent there, or do you discuss coping strategies?
I'm not actually asking you to report to us strangers what you discuss in counseling. I'm asking, really, if the counseling is helping you make any choices, see anything differently, or develop any specific strategies for coping when he does things that are problematic for you. In short, is the counseling just to vent or is it intended to help you cope day to day and also possibly assess whether to stay or go? Have you told the counselor everything you are telling us here? And if not -- why not, what's holding you back?

I'm sorry he walked out on that appointment. It sounds as if he cannot be open to hearing an objective third party question his relationship with his family of origin. Keep going to YOUR individual counseling, maybe even double down and do more if you need to. But be sure it's actually helping you move forward and cope, not just vent.

Yes, OP here and I did post that. My counselor says if I want to leave, she will help work me thru it. If i want to stay (which is what I have said so far because of my child and custody) then we need to communicate. Obviously she can help me cope with how I act/react but without someone working with DH, I don't see much progress to be made.

I have an appt this week, and I will be sure to ask her for coping strategies and not just venting space. Thank you for that.

He is not open to hearing anything about his family of origin that is less than praise. And for everyone who jumped on me for using the terms copdependent, enmeshed, groupthink etc. Those terms were introduced to me by BOTH of the couples therapists we tried, As in, after listening to DH talk about his family, defend them without fail, consider their preferences as just as if not more important than OURS, both therapists suggested to him that his family dynamic showed enmeshed patterns. And he pulled the plug after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm? Still waiting! Still waiting for OP or any of her defenders to address this point:

If my ILs were horrible/rude, I would want to see ***less of them,*** and I wouldn't want them around my baby. I would do cartwheels for every time I didn't have to see them. Heck, my ILs are all-around very nice and fairly unproblematic, and I would still like to see less of them. So please, by all means: take a shot and rationally try to explain to me how OP is justified in thinking they are horrible people, AND wanting them to visit/hold/give gifts more? I would love to see you try to make sense of that. Can you?

My DH wants them to interact with his child. I may have zero interest in being around them, but it is important to him that they spend time with his daughter.
He was very hurt that they lived 15 minutes away and did not see the baby for 3 months.

Two things can be true. I can think that my in laws suck AND also be empathetic to his pain of his family not showing interest.

OK? Then he can arrange to see them. He can pick up the phone. HE can make it happen. OP needn't get involved, if she so clearly thinks they are awful people. See how that works?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm? Still waiting! Still waiting for OP or any of her defenders to address this point:

If my ILs were horrible/rude, I would want to see ***less of them,*** and I wouldn't want them around my baby. I would do cartwheels for every time I didn't have to see them. Heck, my ILs are all-around very nice and fairly unproblematic, and I would still like to see less of them. So please, by all means: take a shot and rationally try to explain to me how OP is justified in thinking they are horrible people, AND wanting them to visit/hold/give gifts more? I would love to see you try to make sense of that. Can you?

My DH wants them to interact with his child. I may have zero interest in being around them, but it is important to him that they spend time with his daughter.
He was very hurt that they lived 15 minutes away and did not see the baby for 3 months.

Two things can be true. I can think that my in laws suck AND also be empathetic to his pain of his family not showing interest.

OK? Then he can arrange to see them. He can pick up the phone. HE can make it happen. OP needn't get involved, if she so clearly thinks they are awful people. See how that works?

Op here. And during that 3 month period and forward, I didn't/don't get involved. He is in charge of managing and coordinating his family.
I think my inlaws are shitty, for lots of reasons not mentioned in this post, but I have a DH problem. Not in law problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm? Still waiting! Still waiting for OP or any of her defenders to address this point:

If my ILs were horrible/rude, I would want to see ***less of them,*** and I wouldn't want them around my baby. I would do cartwheels for every time I didn't have to see them. Heck, my ILs are all-around very nice and fairly unproblematic, and I would still like to see less of them. So please, by all means: take a shot and rationally try to explain to me how OP is justified in thinking they are horrible people, AND wanting them to visit/hold/give gifts more? I would love to see you try to make sense of that. Can you?

NP. I understand OP’s feelings. She wants her IL’s to magically become close family who treat her well and instantly bond with her. She also wants them to read her mind and be on the same page with her, which is controlling and immature. Maybe she just needs to grow up a little. I understand her feelings more than yours ie wanting to see less of your IL’s who are very nice. That’s just strange to me.

They're nice, but they are clingy and generally bad houseguests. I wouldn't exactly pick them out of a lineup to be friends with, you know? I don't mind them, but I'm not like, "Oh you know what would be FUN; having two 70-somethings underfoot for 5 days!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm? Still waiting! Still waiting for OP or any of her defenders to address this point:

If my ILs were horrible/rude, I would want to see ***less of them,*** and I wouldn't want them around my baby. I would do cartwheels for every time I didn't have to see them. Heck, my ILs are all-around very nice and fairly unproblematic, and I would still like to see less of them. So please, by all means: take a shot and rationally try to explain to me how OP is justified in thinking they are horrible people, AND wanting them to visit/hold/give gifts more? I would love to see you try to make sense of that. Can you?

NP. I understand OP’s feelings. She wants her IL’s to magically become close family who treat her well and instantly bond with her. She also wants them to read her mind and be on the same page with her, which is controlling and immature. Maybe she just needs to grow up a little. I understand her feelings more than yours ie wanting to see less of your IL’s who are very nice. That’s just strange to me.

Op here. I want ILs who respect that we have our own family unit, and we make decisions accordingly, that may not align with their cultural values or expectations.
I want a DH who turns to me first instead of assuming that his family of origin's way is the way, and that I should get on board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I marched through a field of red flags.
I genuinely hoped that some things would get better.
I turned a blind eye and crossed my fingers to others.
DH will never choose me.
He will never ultimately include me on his team, priority 1, over his family of origin.
He is so enmeshed with his family of origin, unwilling to admit that they have any faults. It is always 0 them 100% me to blame.
A somewhat vague example- he has a distant relationship with his brother. Over the last few years, brother has been slowly cutting off contact with DH and other family members and he does not know why.
Recently, brother has been intentionally rude. Will not answer phone calls, emails or texts from certain people. He Invited their sister and her family to holidays and childrens bday parties but excluded DH and other relatives.
Preceding all of this, brother has been rude to me in the past- often in subtle ways. After an incident at our baby girl's baptism in which brother said he was not interested in interacting with/holding/ touching our new baby (his niece), I told DH, "I am done. I will be civil polite, but I am not interested in a relationship with him beyond that. My newborn child- This is my boundary."
And I have been true to my word. I have not seen brother much in the last few years, but when I have, I am civil, polite, but distant. I will not entertain people who made it a point to actively reject my child.

To my enmeshed DH, boundaries do not exist. He believes that "real families don't do boundaries."
This was a death sentence for me. According to DH, this was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to him.
The problem was not what brother said or did. THe problem was my response. I dared to implement a boundary. I dared to call out bad behavior. I did not follow the family line of staying quiet and just letting brother be a jerk.
He resents me for not engaging in the dysfunction.
This theme comes up often.
He will always look to blame me for my response to a situation, rather than open his eyes to the situation.
I cannot imagine split custody.
I dont know waht ot do.

Get a divorce I guess. But if your best example is that his brother didn't want to hold your baby and you have been cold to the brother since then to the point that he doesn't include your DH in family events, this doesn't really sound like a DH problem.