Almost former ILs still want their "party"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."

PP again. And, to be fair, there is nothing in your post indicating that they "want their party." Last they heard you were separated, and now they are hearing that you are having Thanksgiving and not inviting them. Maybe they are lazy and just want someone else to cook, but it sounds just as likely they are concerned and confused about not seeing the kids.

Wow, you are twisting. She is not obligated to host a bunch of entitled people. And of course she is cooking a meal, I am sure just like any other night, she has to feed the kids holiday or not.
These people are just upset they will have to cook their TG dinner themselves, or go out and pay big bucks to eat out on a holiday.

This is not true. They want to see the grandkids on Thanksgiving. They’ve said as much to OP’s parents (which was hugely out of line of course). This isn’t about cooking a dinner.

They live in DC - why are they not offering to cook the dinner themselves and host it?

[Anonymous]

Team OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are probably just panicking bc they are starting to realize that they aren't going to see as much of their grandkids now.

However, that is your DH's problem now

Well they aren't. Grandparents have no rights to grandchildren.

Morally though it's the right thing to do. Don't punish them for your ex's mistakes.

Exactly. Some day the shoe may be on the other foot for you.

Your DD/DS may get divorced. You will no longer be invited to rotating Thanksgiving or Christmas each year because the X-spouse and grandkids will be seeing the other side of the family. Same with birthdays! And just wait until the second marriages start and you fall futher down the holiday celebration waterfall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."

PP again. And, to be fair, there is nothing in your post indicating that they "want their party." Last they heard you were separated, and now they are hearing that you are having Thanksgiving and not inviting them. Maybe they are lazy and just want someone else to cook, but it sounds just as likely they are concerned and confused about not seeing the kids.

Wow, you are twisting. She is not obligated to host a bunch of entitled people. And of course she is cooking a meal, I am sure just like any other night, she has to feed the kids holiday or not.
These people are just upset they will have to cook their TG dinner themselves, or go out and pay big bucks to eat out on a holiday.

This is not true. They want to see the grandkids on Thanksgiving. They’ve said as much to OP’s parents (which was hugely out of line of course). This isn’t about cooking a dinner.

They live in DC - why are they not offering to cook the dinner themselves and host it?

It doesn't sound like the OP would go. In my opinion, she is being churlish and self-centered. I would want my kids to see as many relatives as possible. But that's me. I would put the kids before my own needs. Again, that's me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are probably just panicking bc they are starting to realize that they aren't going to see as much of their grandkids now.

However, that is your DH's problem now

Well they aren't. Grandparents have no rights to grandchildren.

Morally though it's the right thing to do. Don't punish them for your ex's mistakes.

Exactly. Some day the shoe may be on the other foot for you.

Your DD/DS may get divorced. You will no longer be invited to rotating Thanksgiving or Christmas each year because the X-spouse and grandkids will be seeing the other side of the family. Same with birthdays! And just wait until the second marriages start and you fall futher down the holiday celebration waterfall.

Yeah? That’s life.

[Anonymous]

Why not title this

Soon to be former ILs want me to host Thanksgiving


So weird with the party thing. Are you divorcing them too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are probably just panicking bc they are starting to realize that they aren't going to see as much of their grandkids now.

However, that is your DH's problem now

Well they aren't. Grandparents have no rights to grandchildren.

Morally though it's the right thing to do. Don't punish them for your ex's mistakes.

Exactly. Some day the shoe may be on the other foot for you.

Your DD/DS may get divorced. You will no longer be invited to rotating Thanksgiving or Christmas each year because the X-spouse and grandkids will be seeing the other side of the family. Same with birthdays! And just wait until the second marriages start and you fall futher down the holiday celebration waterfall.

Yeah? That’s life.

Actually, no it is not life, when the parents of younger kids act maturely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not title this

Soon to be former ILs want me to host Thanksgiving


So weird with the party thing. Are you divorcing them too?

Apparently she is. Grandkids be damned. No more paternal grandparents for them!!!

[Anonymous]

You might be surprised at how many families make concessions for their children to have family holidays. Not saying you need to do all the work, but my family has several divorced couples who work together to have family holidays.


We are not going to be one of that family. We are no longer a family. Holidays will be separate. I already put a deposit for our Easter trip. People will need to get over that. I will no longer be a buffer and prioritize other people's needs over my own. I did that for 17 years. And yes, my children are fine and are actually looking forward to smaller sized holidays, to trips on the holidays and not be constrained "so-so will be hurt if you don't come to their house". Enough.

OP, I was sympathetic to you in the beginning, but the tone of your posts is very flip and aggressive, and now I find myself being sympathetic to your inlays if this is how you communicate with people. You can convey your message in a much less offensive way. In any event, all of your posts are written as if the divorce has already happened. It hasn't, and apparently has not even started. It's not surprising that your kids' grandparents want to see them on the holidays - what is surprising (or maybe not) is that after 17 years you don't have enough of a relationship to respectfully but firmly tell them that this year will be just your family, and you are sorry that they are upset but that you think this is the healthiest decision for you this year. Don't pretend it's in your kids' best interest, because it is at best neutral for the (it's always best for kids to have as many people around that love them as possible). People will get used to this new normal in time - you have had much more time to get there mentally than your inlaws, they are older and I think you need to cut them some slack in your communication in light of that. And don't kid yourself that your kids are excited about all these changes, even if that is what is easiest for you to believe.

[Anonymous]

OP get real for a second. This isn’t about what a great hostess you are. I’m sure your spread is lovely, but what’s driving this is in laws’ fears about access to the kids especially around holidays, probably also because your ex is downplaying what this separation really is (a divorce in progress). They aren’t the enemy here - they love your kids and are transitioning in this new phase just like you are. Be honest with them about what is going on and let them know they will have access to the kids when your husband has them for holidays, and move on with grace.

This is great advice, but OP will need to dig a lot deeper to find some empathy. Don't trust that we are getting the full story here - I'm sure OP's DH has some complaints about her, too, presumably one being that she seems pretty cold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

Ignore going forward. Tell your parents to ignore also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP get real for a second. This isn’t about what a great hostess you are. I’m sure your spread is lovely, but what’s driving this is in laws’ fears about access to the kids especially around holidays, probably also because your ex is downplaying what this separation really is (a divorce in progress). They aren’t the enemy here - they love your kids and are transitioning in this new phase just like you are. Be honest with them about what is going on and let them know they will have access to the kids when your husband has them for holidays, and move on with grace.

This is great advice, but OP will need to dig a lot deeper to find some empathy. Don't trust that we are getting the full story here - I'm sure OP's DH has some complaints about her, too, presumably one being that she seems pretty cold.

OP: yes, this cold, cold OP was so cold that she was the one who broke the news to the ILs. She was the one who sat them down, talked to them, wiped their tears, reassured time and time again they would have full access to the grandchildren. They will see them through the holidays when they are with stbexdh. He was too scared to tell them "what will my parents think of me?"

I am not going to pretend we are one big happy family. We never were. In the meantime, they have full access to the children. They can call any time, which, by the way, they haven't. They can come to their games, which, by the way, they also haven't. Being "a family" is not just pretty holiday pictures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You might be surprised at how many families make concessions for their children to have family holidays. Not saying you need to do all the work, but my family has several divorced couples who work together to have family holidays.


We are not going to be one of that family. We are no longer a family. Holidays will be separate. I already put a deposit for our Easter trip. People will need to get over that. I will no longer be a buffer and prioritize other people's needs over my own. I did that for 17 years. And yes, my children are fine and are actually looking forward to smaller sized holidays, to trips on the holidays and not be constrained "so-so will be hurt if you don't come to their house". Enough.

OP, I was sympathetic to you in the beginning, but the tone of your posts is very flip and aggressive, and now I find myself being sympathetic to your inlays if this is how you communicate with people. You can convey your message in a much less offensive way. In any event, all of your posts are written as if the divorce has already happened. It hasn't, and apparently has not even started. It's not surprising that your kids' grandparents want to see them on the holidays - what is surprising (or maybe not) is that after 17 years you don't have enough of a relationship to respectfully but firmly tell them that this year will be just your family, and you are sorry that they are upset but that you think this is the healthiest decision for you this year. Don't pretend it's in your kids' best interest, because it is at best neutral for the (it's always best for kids to have as many people around that love them as possible). People will get used to this new normal in time - you have had much more time to get there mentally than your inlaws, they are older and I think you need to cut them some slack in your communication in light of that. And don't kid yourself that your kids are excited about all these changes, even if that is what is easiest for you to believe.

Everyone's kids are different. My kids are exhausted after the holidays. They are both introverts and don't like crowds. They have to mentally prepare themselves every time. You think you know MY kids better than me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP get real for a second. This isn’t about what a great hostess you are. I’m sure your spread is lovely, but what’s driving this is in laws’ fears about access to the kids especially around holidays, probably also because your ex is downplaying what this separation really is (a divorce in progress). They aren’t the enemy here - they love your kids and are transitioning in this new phase just like you are. Be honest with them about what is going on and let them know they will have access to the kids when your husband has them for holidays, and move on with grace.

This is great advice, but OP will need to dig a lot deeper to find some empathy. Don't trust that we are getting the full story here - I'm sure OP's DH has some complaints about her, too, presumably one being that she seems pretty cold.

OP: yes, this cold, cold OP was so cold that she was the one who broke the news to the ILs. She was the one who sat them down, talked to them, wiped their tears, reassured time and time again they would have full access to the grandchildren. They will see them through the holidays when they are with stbexdh. He was too scared to tell them "what will my parents think of me?"

I am not going to pretend we are one big happy family. We never were. In the meantime, they have full access to the children. They can call any time, which, by the way, they haven't. They can come to their games, which, by the way, they also haven't. Being "a family" is not just pretty holiday pictures.

I don't think you get it, OP. There are several of us who think that your tone is off and that you sound flippant and rude. You really need to start taking a harder look at yourself and what you're conveying to others. Because if we here on the board are getting it, then your kids are FOR SURE seeing it in you. And is that really what you want?

You seem to have declared war on your DH and his parents. That's a bad look for your kids. You may not be getting along with your husband but there is no reason at all to punish your kids for it. Yeah, we get it that you're upset and unhappy, but pull yourself together and straighten up your act. Your kids deserve better from you.

DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are probably just panicking bc they are starting to realize that they aren't going to see as much of their grandkids now.

However, that is your DH's problem now

Well they aren't. Grandparents have no rights to grandchildren.

Morally though it's the right thing to do. Don't punish them for your ex's mistakes.

Exactly. Some day the shoe may be on the other foot for you.

Your DD/DS may get divorced. You will no longer be invited to rotating Thanksgiving or Christmas each year because the X-spouse and grandkids will be seeing the other side of the family. Same with birthdays! And just wait until the second marriages start and you fall futher down the holiday celebration waterfall.

Yeah? That’s life.

Actually, no it is not life, when the parents of younger kids act maturely.

It is perfectly mature for separated people to spend separate holidays. In fact, that’s more clear and peaceful for the kids. Thanksgiving with mom and her family, Christmas with dad and his family. Fair, clear, and consistent with what’s to come. As long as the parents are treating each other with civility, respect and a shared goal of making the holidays nice for their kids, that is positive.