Almost former ILs still want their "party"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you have to start thinking about what holidays will look like from now on.
You can (and probably should) be firm about excluding them this Thanksgiving, but recognize that in the future - potentially this Christmas - they will do the same in return.
It's worth having a conversation with stb-ex now about how you want to handle holidays in general, and maybe you can implement that for this month and next month.

And we've discussed it. We are in agreement that we will rotate holidays. I get Thanksgiving this year, he gets Christmas this year, I get Easter next year, he gets 4th of July. And then we switch. He needs to communicate this to his family. It is no longer my job to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."

PP again. And, to be fair, there is nothing in your post indicating that they "want their party." Last they heard you were separated, and now they are hearing that you are having Thanksgiving and not inviting them. Maybe they are lazy and just want someone else to cook, but it sounds just as likely they are concerned and confused about not seeing the kids.

+1 it doesn’t sound like they have been kept apprised or the true inevitability of divorce.

They sound anxious and confused. Wanting to spend a holiday with their grandchildren hardly makes them evil villains.

The grandparents desire to see their grandchildren on the 4th Thursday of November does NOT trump the mother's desire to NOT spend the holiday with her soon-to-be-ex family and all the issues that brings.

No one said they are evil, but they need to calm down. It's one day. Divorce means sharing, not calling the other grandparents to give them a guilt trip.

[Anonymous]

When my sibling was divorcing, my father wondered aloud (to me only) about whether he would continue to have access to his granddaughter and what the future would look like. I understand the uncertainty and sadness, especially in a family that might not have had many divorces.

BUT — I don’t understand calling the STB exDIL (and her family!) to guilt her/them into continuing to pretend it’s all one big happy family. Nope. Totally out of line. And that they don’t realize how nuts it is suggests that the divorce was probably a long time coming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you have to start thinking about what holidays will look like from now on.
You can (and probably should) be firm about excluding them this Thanksgiving, but recognize that in the future - potentially this Christmas - they will do the same in return.
It's worth having a conversation with stb-ex now about how you want to handle holidays in general, and maybe you can implement that for this month and next month.

And we've discussed it. We are in agreement that we will rotate holidays. I get Thanksgiving this year, he gets Christmas this year, I get Easter next year, he gets 4th of July. And then we switch. He needs to communicate this to his family. It is no longer my job to do that.

Respectfully, and without any blaming, “nip in the bud” is fantasy. You want a clean break and to be insulated by your ex from their grief process. Well, it’s not gonna happen. It should happen, you deserve for it to happen, but if he had the spine and regard for your feelings to do that, you would know it by now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be firm. They're way out of line. Know that every law and moral code is with you on this one.

There is no law or moral code about hosting, even when you're married! Her in-laws are just grieving the relationship that was, particularly when it affects their comfort during the Holidays. They'll just have to get used to the new normal. OP and her parents should politely ignore the in-laws as much as possible. In the grand scheme of divorce drama, this is NOT a big deal and could be a lot worse.

Not the PP to whom you're responding, but: Did you miss the part where the STBX-inlaws are contacting her parents and guilting them about getting to spend more time with the grandkids? Re-read the first post. THAT behavior is out of bounds in a big way; the in-laws are taking their grief about the relationship and aiming it at her parents. Surely you get that this is beyond the pale. It's not OP creating divorce drama over Thanksgiving, it's the in-laws creating drama by complaining and dragging her parents into it.

I agree that OP and her parents need to ignore the in-laws in this case, but that is easy for us outsiders to say. It's also easy to say "it could be a lot worse" when it's a holiday and feelings are raw and a separation is still new. If OP's parents are upset and feeling guilty thanks to DH's parents' complaints, that's crappy of the ILs and incredibly crappy that the STBX DH is such a weakling that OP can't even ask him to handle it. He should be the one telling them that they need to lay off and get used to the idea of not seeing the grandkids at every holiday.

PP you replied to. I read it all, my dear. You must live a wonderful life to have never experienced any "beyond the pale" behavior . Of course it's rude. Don't you know how to deal with rude people? OP's parents do not need to pick up the phone every time the in-laws call. They can point out that they refuse to get involved, and that concerns should be addressed to their son. OP can do the same. She sounds eminently capable and in charge.

Life can get so incredibly painful and messy, PP. Count yourself lucky if you consider this to be a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."

PP again. And, to be fair, there is nothing in your post indicating that they "want their party." Last they heard you were separated, and now they are hearing that you are having Thanksgiving and not inviting them. Maybe they are lazy and just want someone else to cook, but it sounds just as likely they are concerned and confused about not seeing the kids.

What exactly are they confused about? They can see kids any time. But I am no longer together with their son, we don't live under the same roof, we are not doing holidays together. Why is it so hard to understand?

[Anonymous]

They are probably just panicking bc they are starting to realize that they aren't going to see as much of their grandkids now.

However, that is your DH's problem now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."

PP again. And, to be fair, there is nothing in your post indicating that they "want their party." Last they heard you were separated, and now they are hearing that you are having Thanksgiving and not inviting them. Maybe they are lazy and just want someone else to cook, but it sounds just as likely they are concerned and confused about not seeing the kids.

+1 it doesn’t sound like they have been kept apprised or the true inevitability of divorce.

They sound anxious and confused. Wanting to spend a holiday with their grandchildren hardly makes them evil villains.

Haranguing their soon-to-be former in-laws and her parents visit exactly going to help their case.

[Anonymous]

Your husband and in-laws will always be your children's family. A divorce will not change that. You are stuck with these people, a little bit, for life.

I'd take the high road and let them know that you told husband that he gets the kids for christmas and that you don't know what his plans are--they need to talk to him.

I agree with others that they have poor boundaries, but, have some compassion. It may work well in the future for you to maintain a good relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are probably just panicking bc they are starting to realize that they aren't going to see as much of their grandkids now.

However, that is your DH's problem now

Well they aren't. Grandparents have no rights to grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you have to start thinking about what holidays will look like from now on.
You can (and probably should) be firm about excluding them this Thanksgiving, but recognize that in the future - potentially this Christmas - they will do the same in return.
It's worth having a conversation with stb-ex now about how you want to handle holidays in general, and maybe you can implement that for this month and next month.

And we've discussed it. We are in agreement that we will rotate holidays. I get Thanksgiving this year, he gets Christmas this year, I get Easter next year, he gets 4th of July. And then we switch. He needs to communicate this to his family. It is no longer my job to do that.

If they are calling your parents, and your parents are answering, they need to respond with this message. Stay consistent. They can have Thanksgiving on Friday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are probably just panicking bc they are starting to realize that they aren't going to see as much of their grandkids now.

However, that is your DH's problem now

Well they aren't. Grandparents have no rights to grandchildren.

Morally though it's the right thing to do. Don't punish them for your ex's mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."

PP again. And, to be fair, there is nothing in your post indicating that they "want their party." Last they heard you were separated, and now they are hearing that you are having Thanksgiving and not inviting them. Maybe they are lazy and just want someone else to cook, but it sounds just as likely they are concerned and confused about not seeing the kids.

What exactly are they confused about? They can see kids any time. But I am no longer together with their son, we don't live under the same roof, we are not doing holidays together. Why is it so hard to understand?

DP. Based on your posts here, it does seem that a reasonable person could misunderstand the state of play. You’re separated and in therapy—those facts alone suggest you’re working on the relationship. But then you’ve said here that you’re not at all trying to move toward reconciliation. Well, if neither you nor STBX have told them that, they very reasonably could be getting that message for the first time in the form of a canceled holiday. So yes, that does invite confusion. That doesn’t make their harassment of your parents justified! But yes, I understand why they’ve been thrown for a loop.

[Anonymous]

I think they're panicking because they're finally having to confront that the divorce is real. And if your STBX has failed to communicate with them about Thanksgiving, I understand that they would be annoyed. They probably didn't ask him because they didn't realize there was any change that they needed to ask about.

Ask yourself what kind of relationship you want with them in the future. If you want to be invited to some Christmas stuff, think how you can behave now to make that more likely.

It's normal for the grandparents to get anxious about a divorce. They're probably going to be seeing less of their grandchildren, forever, especially if their son doesn't do a good job facilitating it. Nobody here is getting the family they wanted-- not you, not the kids, and not the grandparents. The sooner they accept that, the better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."

PP again. And, to be fair, there is nothing in your post indicating that they "want their party." Last they heard you were separated, and now they are hearing that you are having Thanksgiving and not inviting them. Maybe they are lazy and just want someone else to cook, but it sounds just as likely they are concerned and confused about not seeing the kids.

What exactly are they confused about? They can see kids any time. But I am no longer together with their son, we don't live under the same roof, we are not doing holidays together. Why is it so hard to understand?

DP. Based on your posts here, it does seem that a reasonable person could misunderstand the state of play. You’re separated and in therapy—those facts alone suggest you’re working on the relationship. But then you’ve said here that you’re not at all trying to move toward reconciliation. Well, if neither you nor STBX have told them that, they very reasonably could be getting that message for the first time in the form of a canceled holiday. So yes, that does invite confusion. That doesn’t make their harassment of your parents justified! But yes, I understand why they’ve been thrown for a loop.

We are in therapy to establish healthy co-parenting skills. Not to get back together. That ship has sailed.