Almost former ILs still want their "party"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, OP is done propping them all up.

They’ll adjust and hopefully step up.

Meanwhile, YELLOW ROCK them.

Wtf is yellow rock??
Did you mean gray rock??? lol.

Google is your friend.

Yellow rock is the nicer version of gray rock. Gray rock but with extra pleasantries.

OMG, you and your rocking. You say this on every relationship thread.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."

PP again. And, to be fair, there is nothing in your post indicating that they "want their party." Last they heard you were separated, and now they are hearing that you are having Thanksgiving and not inviting them. Maybe they are lazy and just want someone else to cook, but it sounds just as likely they are concerned and confused about not seeing the kids.

Wow, you are twisting. She is not obligated to host a bunch of entitled people. And of course she is cooking a meal, I am sure just like any other night, she has to feed the kids holiday or not.
These people are just upset they will have to cook their TG dinner themselves, or go out and pay big bucks to eat out on a holiday.

This is not true. They want to see the grandkids on Thanksgiving. They’ve said as much to OP’s parents (which was hugely out of line of course). This isn’t about cooking a dinner.

They live in DC - why are they not offering to cook the dinner themselves and host it?

It doesn't sound like the OP would go. In my opinion, she is being churlish and self-centered. I would want my kids to see as many relatives as possible. But that's me. I would put the kids before my own needs. Again, that's me.

OMG, SHE SAID HER KIDS DON'T CARE AND THE GRANDPARENTS ARE LOCAL THEY SEE THE KIDS ALL THE TIME. LEARN HOW TO READ YOU DUMMIES.

Are you the OP?

Nope, I just think a lot of you are taking this very personally and it's super weird.

I think a lot of posters here will see things differently when they're older and have grandchildren. Life is indeed a very complicated learning process about family relationships and forgiveness.

I’ll definitely assume that my piss poor communicator son will be the same to me and any lady he marries. And probably to his future kids too.

Oh well. I intend to be besties with his wife!

To the pp

Don't count on being besties. You may get a dil that wants nothing to do with you. You can have all good intentions but you never know what will happen.

+1. When I was 29 I had no interest in being “besties” with a 65yo who tried to talk to me about my s*x life with her son. Um, NOPE. She immediately earned Polite But Distant status.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

It’s quite clueless of the in-laws to expect OP to play pretend happy families in this situation.

They sound very tone deaf. My parents can be like this with the holidays. It’s all about them and their need for the party and ritual so they don’t feel abnormal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband and in-laws will always be your children's family. A divorce will not change that. You are stuck with these people, a little bit, for life.

I'd take the high road and let them know that you told husband that he gets the kids for christmas and that you don't know what his plans are--they need to talk to him.

I agree with others that they have poor boundaries, but, have some compassion. It may work well in the future for you to maintain a good relationship with them.

Yes, this. You will be seeing these people many times in the future. There will be school performances, sporting events, birthday parties, engagements, weddings, etc. Once you have children, you don’t get a divorce where you never see your ex anymore. You have to coparent with them. Instead of focusing on your irritation, how about having some empathy for the ILs who clearly want to spend time with their grandchildren. Or how you can maintain as cordial enough as possible a relationship with them now so that for the next 20-30 years your children don’t fee anxiety and stress anytime their divorced parents families are going to their performance/play/graduation/game/birthday. If you create bad blood now by being under the illusion that you get to cut these people out, the people who suffer are your kids. They will be the kids who, at graduation, have to split their time after the ceremony racing between two families who won’t interact, having to make hard decisions about which family to go have the celebratory meal with following (and feeling sad and guilty the whole time) etc. Divorce sucks for kids, try not to make it worse because you foolishly think you get a clean break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids want their mom to be happy. Those kids can see their dad‘s family on many other days. In fact, if it is so important to spend the Thanksgiving meal with the kids, then the in-laws can just make a Thanksgiving meal and invite people over to dine with them and the kids on a different day. It’s just turkey and stuffing, and there is no absolute law that those foods can only be consumed on the fourth Thursday of November.

Not necessarily. My mom cheated on my father and left him for a woman, then came out as gay. Her happiness came at the expense of me, my dad, and my siblings and it resulted in the painful destruction of our family. When I was going through this as a teen I didn’t give two craps about my mom’s happiness since it involved her leaving me and my siblings and packing up for an apartment across town where she could freely see her girlfriend. Divorce sucks for kids. Just sucks.