Almost former ILs still want their "party"

[Anonymous]

DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

[Anonymous]

Stop responding. They can contact DH with issues.

[Anonymous]

Be firm. They're way out of line. Know that every law and moral code is with you on this one.

[Anonymous]

“I will not be hosting thanksgiving. Please make alternate plans.” And tell your parents not to answer their calls or texts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

Why do you need to do anything now? Sounds like they know. They made a few calls expressing their disappointment, which may be rude, but is their right. It's done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop responding. They can contact DH with issues.

exDH is a big of a wimp when it comes to his family. That is one of the reason why I am moving forward with the divorce

[Anonymous]

"I will not be hosting this year. My parents are coming to support me during the separation. Please feel free to spend Thanksgiving with your son [the ex] Larlo."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop responding. They can contact DH with issues.

exDH is a big of a wimp when it comes to his family. That is one of the reason why I am moving forward with the divorce

Well he'd better get used to it. He can make plans with them, and for the children to see them another day. If his parents call you, direct them to him.

[Anonymous]

I’d be sure to keep the door locked on Thanksgiving. These people sound like they have no boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

Sheesh, I am so sorry. I get it-- that they would feel bad about the fact that holidays will now be more complicated-- but they will be for you, too, and it's hardly the first thing that you should be considering when getting divorced or your responsibility to manage. Do you trust your DH to handle? Is HE on board with the divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop responding. They can contact DH with issues.

exDH is a big of a wimp when it comes to his family. That is one of the reason why I am moving forward with the divorce

Well he'd better get used to it. He can make plans with them, and for the children to see them another day. If his parents call you, direct them to him.

Perhaps the next holiday.

[Anonymous]

^ seeing now the issue with your husband and family. Well, yeah, it sounds like the in laws have boundary issues and if he doesn't stand up to his parents,. that would cause larger issues. I guess silver lining is that this is validating?

But asking YOU to host for them in the situation is particualrly insult to injury.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be firm. They're way out of line. Know that every law and moral code is with you on this one.

There is no law or moral code about hosting, even when you're married! Her in-laws are just grieving the relationship that was, particularly when it affects their comfort during the Holidays. They'll just have to get used to the new normal. OP and her parents should politely ignore the in-laws as much as possible. In the grand scheme of divorce drama, this is NOT a big deal and could be a lot worse.

[Anonymous]

PP again, and I have never been divorced but I feel like saying - seriously - "the gall!" I think you can say that you have decided not to have Thanksgiving dinner as a family together given your marital situation,

optional: that you, the kids and your parents are having together and/or that DH will be having the kids for Christmas this year.