Almost former ILs still want their "party"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."

PP again. And, to be fair, there is nothing in your post indicating that they "want their party." Last they heard you were separated, and now they are hearing that you are having Thanksgiving and not inviting them. Maybe they are lazy and just want someone else to cook, but it sounds just as likely they are concerned and confused about not seeing the kids.

Wow, you are twisting. She is not obligated to host a bunch of entitled people. And of course she is cooking a meal, I am sure just like any other night, she has to feed the kids holiday or not.
These people are just upset they will have to cook their TG dinner themselves, or go out and pay big bucks to eat out on a holiday.

This is not true. They want to see the grandkids on Thanksgiving. They’ve said as much to OP’s parents (which was hugely out of line of course). This isn’t about cooking a dinner.

They live in DC - why are they not offering to cook the dinner themselves and host it?

It doesn't sound like the OP would go. In my opinion, she is being churlish and self-centered. I would want my kids to see as many relatives as possible. But that's me. I would put the kids before my own needs. Again, that's me.

OMG, SHE SAID HER KIDS DON'T CARE AND THE GRANDPARENTS ARE LOCAL THEY SEE THE KIDS ALL THE TIME. LEARN HOW TO READ YOU DUMMIES.

Are you the OP?

Nope, I just think a lot of you are taking this very personally and it's super weird.

I think a lot of posters here will see things differently when they're older and have grandchildren. Life is indeed a very complicated learning process about family relationships and forgiveness.

Forgiveness for what? What is complicated about it? OP is no longer willing to host 25 people for Thanksgiving. They're divorcing and they're going to alternate holidays like divorced people normally do. The grandparents are out of line to contact the OP's parents, and they aren't entitled to have her cook and clean for them and their extended family on Thanksgiving. She's no longer their daughter-in-law. They're not being punished or losing anything they have an actual right to. This is normal for a divorce. FFS.

PP here. I'm not talking about OP hosting Thanksgiving. It's more about the attitude coming through. You may think "This is normal for a divorce, FFS,", as you say nicely put it, but many families work through these issues without the drama. It's much better for the kids.

Exactly, the “dazed and confused” ILs should not be causing such drama by harassing Op or the other set of grandparents.

Sounds like they and their son have major communication issues between each other and externally. Such drama queens.

The entire group, including OP, needs to calm down.

Op is fine. She handled it fine with them. Posted on here the situation, and as usual half the people can’t read or are generally uninformed and jsut post their projections.

I agree replying to nonsense people is a waste of time but they probably view non responses as agreement.

[Anonymous]

Op, you sound like a great parent. I’m sorry to see all the negative responses. I hope you have an uncomplicated easy holiday with your family. How lucky for your kids to celebrate twice too. This will all get easier over time. Especially with the therapy. I wish more couples would utilize therapy on divorce process.

[Anonymous]

Nope, multiple people here responding.


+1 yep

Definitely at least 3 of us.

[Anonymous]

1000s of us. Just keep writing that and maybe someone will believe you…

[Anonymous]

OP: just to show how clueless ILs are. They are trying to plan Christmas with stbexdh and they cannot come up with a single idea. What do you want to do with the kids? My kids are even saying "do we have to do it with them" and I am pushing, pushing really hard "yes, you have to. They want time with you too. They are just not very organized"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."

PP again. And, to be fair, there is nothing in your post indicating that they "want their party." Last they heard you were separated, and now they are hearing that you are having Thanksgiving and not inviting them. Maybe they are lazy and just want someone else to cook, but it sounds just as likely they are concerned and confused about not seeing the kids.

Wow, you are twisting. She is not obligated to host a bunch of entitled people. And of course she is cooking a meal, I am sure just like any other night, she has to feed the kids holiday or not.
These people are just upset they will have to cook their TG dinner themselves, or go out and pay big bucks to eat out on a holiday.

This is not true. They want to see the grandkids on Thanksgiving. They’ve said as much to OP’s parents (which was hugely out of line of course). This isn’t about cooking a dinner.

They live in DC - why are they not offering to cook the dinner themselves and host it?

It doesn't sound like the OP would go. In my opinion, she is being churlish and self-centered. I would want my kids to see as many relatives as possible. But that's me. I would put the kids before my own needs. Again, that's me.

OMG, SHE SAID HER KIDS DON'T CARE AND THE GRANDPARENTS ARE LOCAL THEY SEE THE KIDS ALL THE TIME. LEARN HOW TO READ YOU DUMMIES.

Are you the OP?

Nope, I just think a lot of you are taking this very personally and it's super weird.

I think a lot of posters here will see things differently when they're older and have grandchildren. Life is indeed a very complicated learning process about family relationships and forgiveness.

I 100% don't understand why you all think this is such a big deal when they get to spend Christmas (which is arguably a more meaningful holiday for many people) with the grandkids. It's not like she's keeping them away for ALL holidays!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."

PP again. And, to be fair, there is nothing in your post indicating that they "want their party." Last they heard you were separated, and now they are hearing that you are having Thanksgiving and not inviting them. Maybe they are lazy and just want someone else to cook, but it sounds just as likely they are concerned and confused about not seeing the kids.

Wow, you are twisting. She is not obligated to host a bunch of entitled people. And of course she is cooking a meal, I am sure just like any other night, she has to feed the kids holiday or not.
These people are just upset they will have to cook their TG dinner themselves, or go out and pay big bucks to eat out on a holiday.

This is not true. They want to see the grandkids on Thanksgiving. They’ve said as much to OP’s parents (which was hugely out of line of course). This isn’t about cooking a dinner.

They live in DC - why are they not offering to cook the dinner themselves and host it?

It doesn't sound like the OP would go. In my opinion, she is being churlish and self-centered. I would want my kids to see as many relatives as possible. But that's me. I would put the kids before my own needs. Again, that's me.

OMG, SHE SAID HER KIDS DON'T CARE AND THE GRANDPARENTS ARE LOCAL THEY SEE THE KIDS ALL THE TIME. LEARN HOW TO READ YOU DUMMIES.

Are you the OP?

Nope, I just think a lot of you are taking this very personally and it's super weird.

I think a lot of posters here will see things differently when they're older and have grandchildren. Life is indeed a very complicated learning process about family relationships and forgiveness.

Forgiveness for what? What is complicated about it? OP is no longer willing to host 25 people for Thanksgiving. They're divorcing and they're going to alternate holidays like divorced people normally do. The grandparents are out of line to contact the OP's parents, and they aren't entitled to have her cook and clean for them and their extended family on Thanksgiving. She's no longer their daughter-in-law. They're not being punished or losing anything they have an actual right to. This is normal for a divorce. FFS.

PP here. I'm not talking about OP hosting Thanksgiving. It's more about the attitude coming through. You may think "This is normal for a divorce, FFS,", as you say nicely put it, but many families work through these issues without the drama. It's much better for the kids.

OP is venting to strangers on the internet. She's allowed to have attitude here, that is what the anonymous internet is for!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: just to show how clueless ILs are. They are trying to plan Christmas with stbexdh and they cannot come up with a single idea. What do you want to do with the kids? My kids are even saying "do we have to do it with them" and I am pushing, pushing really hard "yes, you have to. They want time with you too. They are just not very organized"

I don't understand this - what do they normally do on Christmas? Why do they need to come up with ideas, why not do what they always do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: just to show how clueless ILs are. They are trying to plan Christmas with stbexdh and they cannot come up with a single idea. What do you want to do with the kids? My kids are even saying "do we have to do it with them" and I am pushing, pushing really hard "yes, you have to. They want time with you too. They are just not very organized"

It’s obvious you had taken on the role of planner/host for the family and now that you are no longer in their family they don’t know what to do. They’ll figure it out eventually, but this first holiday season will be an adjustment for their family. You seem almost happy about this turn of events though, like “see I was the one holding it together all of these years and now that I’m gone you’ll all be a mess”. It’s really not cute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: just to show how clueless ILs are. They are trying to plan Christmas with stbexdh and they cannot come up with a single idea. What do you want to do with the kids? My kids are even saying "do we have to do it with them" and I am pushing, pushing really hard "yes, you have to. They want time with you too. They are just not very organized"

It’s obvious you had taken on the role of planner/host for the family and now that you are no longer in their family they don’t know what to do. They’ll figure it out eventually, but this first holiday season will be an adjustment for their family. You seem almost happy about this turn of events though, like “see I was the one holding it together all of these years and now that I’m gone you’ll all be a mess”. It’s really not cute.

DP. Yet, I can't blame OP and I'd probably feel the same way. Had there been more recognition and appreciation of OP years ago, she might not have determined she's better off divorced.

And, since this is an anonymous forum, it's a good place to let it out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: just to show how clueless ILs are. They are trying to plan Christmas with stbexdh and they cannot come up with a single idea. What do you want to do with the kids? My kids are even saying "do we have to do it with them" and I am pushing, pushing really hard "yes, you have to. They want time with you too. They are just not very organized"

Yes, clearly you are a hero supporting the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Yep, OP is done propping them all up.

They’ll adjust and hopefully step up.

Meanwhile, YELLOW ROCK them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep, OP is done propping them all up.

They’ll adjust and hopefully step up.

Meanwhile, YELLOW ROCK them.

What does this mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: just to show how clueless ILs are. They are trying to plan Christmas with stbexdh and they cannot come up with a single idea. What do you want to do with the kids? My kids are even saying "do we have to do it with them" and I am pushing, pushing really hard "yes, you have to. They want time with you too. They are just not very organized"

It’s obvious you had taken on the role of planner/host for the family and now that you are no longer in their family they don’t know what to do. They’ll figure it out eventually, but this first holiday season will be an adjustment for their family. You seem almost happy about this turn of events though, like “see I was the one holding it together all of these years and now that I’m gone you’ll all be a mess”. It’s really not cute.

NP but yeah, let her have this moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are separated, he moved out a few months ago. We are still going to therapy for kid's sake. He told his side of the family. They are under some weird impression that I am hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am not. This year, it will be just the kids and my parents. I am not having a big get together, I got stuck with hosting throughout our marriage and I can't say I particularly enjoyed it. They are all aghast as to "why aren't you hosting? You are not divorced." We are not divorced, but we are getting there. I want to get us to a point where we are at least on good terms but no, we are not reconciling and moving back together. ILs are now calling my parents, guilt tripping them that "they get to spend time with grandkids during the holidays and they are not". This is so unfair.

I need to nip it in the bud once and for all but how? Without cussing them out?

In all seriousness, did you make this decision yourself or jointly with your soon to be ex? I can see why the other grandparents could be feeling hurt.

+1. So the kids live with you and you are cooking for them and inviting your parents, but not inviting ILs or DH. I totally understand why you don't want to host a big dinner, but you need to start thinking about custody and time. What is the plan with your ex? If part of the issue is that you don't want to have to micromanage your ex's and IL's time with the kids, I totally get that, but you need to be direct with your STBXH and direct at least once with your ILs. "Sylvia, it is Larlo's responsibility to make sure you get time with the grandkids. I have them on Thanksgiving Day. He has yet to let me know if he is seeing them another day that weekend. You need to talk to him about plans."

PP again. And, to be fair, there is nothing in your post indicating that they "want their party." Last they heard you were separated, and now they are hearing that you are having Thanksgiving and not inviting them. Maybe they are lazy and just want someone else to cook, but it sounds just as likely they are concerned and confused about not seeing the kids.

Wow, you are twisting. She is not obligated to host a bunch of entitled people. And of course she is cooking a meal, I am sure just like any other night, she has to feed the kids holiday or not.
These people are just upset they will have to cook their TG dinner themselves, or go out and pay big bucks to eat out on a holiday.

This is not true. They want to see the grandkids on Thanksgiving. They’ve said as much to OP’s parents (which was hugely out of line of course). This isn’t about cooking a dinner.

They live in DC - why are they not offering to cook the dinner themselves and host it?

It doesn't sound like the OP would go. In my opinion, she is being churlish and self-centered. I would want my kids to see as many relatives as possible. But that's me. I would put the kids before my own needs. Again, that's me.

OMG, SHE SAID HER KIDS DON'T CARE AND THE GRANDPARENTS ARE LOCAL THEY SEE THE KIDS ALL THE TIME. LEARN HOW TO READ YOU DUMMIES.

Are you the OP?

Nope, I just think a lot of you are taking this very personally and it's super weird.

Almost as super weird as how invested you've become.
You've now resorted to using your caps lock out of frustration, you're name calling & are FAR too emotional & defensive regarding people you don't know...

You seem super triggered and it's obvious that you're projecting.