New teacher over sharing (death of newborn)

[Anonymous]

Tweens are nosy as hell when it comes to their teachers.

I have had kids make fake accounts to try to get accepted by me to see my locked-down social media.

They always want to know 3 things about new teachers: 1) are you married? 2) are you gay? and 3) any kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a parent of a baby who died, I was nervous to open this thread and see the reactions. I'm beyond pleasantly surprised to see the empathy and support from the majority of posters.

When someone asks me how many children I have or if this is my only (honestly, please stop asking folks this along with if they plan on having children), it's hard to know how to answer in that split second. Sometimes I say yes to protect their feelings/comfort in the conversation. Other times I say, "One living." Typically, the person will say, "I'm so sorry," and I say, "thanks." Then I push the conversation forward. Being a grieving parent means learning this dance and doing some light grief education for basically your whole life.

I lost my son at six months due to a very rare medical condition. And this is the question that always trips me up—in casual conversation when I’m asked how many kids I have, I typically don’t want to bring up the death of my son, but always feel a twinge of guilt, regret, and sadness because he was part of our family, even if only for a brief time. But if I had to give a “presentation” on my personal background, I would include the death of my son and a brief description of the circumstances—because it is an important part of my family and background, and because having been through that experience does affect your perspectives for the rest of your life. Teachers at BTSN are expected to give such a presentation, or at least in my experience they typically do so (I grew up here, went to college there, am a big sports fan, love my dog, have kids, etc.). I can’t imagine not including a discussion of a deceased child in that presentation—not doing so would be to disregard the memory of the child and would present an incomplete background.

That said, I think people are being a bit too hard on OP. I don’t think OP is a jerk. Life is complicated, and unless you’ve been through that experience of losing a child, it may be hard to understand the perspectives—and continuing challenges—of those who have. As your kids get older they will be presented with challenges of their own, and hopefully this experience will help you—and them—to gain a better perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a parent of a baby who died, I was nervous to open this thread and see the reactions. I'm beyond pleasantly surprised to see the empathy and support from the majority of posters.

When someone asks me how many children I have or if this is my only (honestly, please stop asking folks this along with if they plan on having children), it's hard to know how to answer in that split second. Sometimes I say yes to protect their feelings/comfort in the conversation. Other times I say, "One living." Typically, the person will say, "I'm so sorry," and I say, "thanks." Then I push the conversation forward. Being a grieving parent means learning this dance and doing some light grief education for basically your whole life.

I lost my son at six months due to a very rare medical condition. And this is the question that always trips me up—in casual conversation when I’m asked how many kids I have, I typically don’t want to bring up the death of my son, but always feel a twinge of guilt, regret, and sadness because he was part of our family, even if only for a brief time. But if I had to give a “presentation” on my personal background, I would include the death of my son and a brief description of the circumstances—because it is an important part of my family and background, and because having been through that experience does affect your perspectives for the rest of your life. Teachers at BTSN are expected to give such a presentation, or at least in my experience they typically do so (I grew up here, went to college there, am a big sports fan, love my dog, have kids, etc.). I can’t imagine not including a discussion of a deceased child in that presentation—not doing so would be to disregard the memory of the child and would present an incomplete background.

That said, I think people are being a bit too hard on OP. I don’t think OP is a jerk. Life is complicated, and unless you’ve been through that experience of losing a child, it may be hard to understand the perspectives—and continuing challenges—of those who have. As your kids get older they will be presented with challenges of their own, and hopefully this experience will help you—and them—to gain a better perspective.

First, my condolences on your loss. We lost our first set of twins at 16 and 18 weeks and even though they hadn't been born yet, it was still traumatic for us. And I realize that the pain of losing a child after birth is even harder.

My suggestion when people ask how many kids you have, you include him as in "I have 3 kids, but we lost one young." And leave it at that. If people ask, you can say that you'd rather not talk about his loss, or you can offer something short or you can decide how much you're willing to discuss and divulge based on the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree that you are a jerk. And they are 7th graders, not preschoolers. They can know that info.

+million

I don't know what happened to you to make you think this way and not have any empathy towards that poor teacher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I attended a very small elementary school, where there were only two classes per grade. When I was in second grade, the other second grade teacher, who I had everyday for reading, was visibly pregnant and excited about her first baby. Then she stopped coming to school for what felt like a long time. Everyone asked about her, but we were just told she was taking some time off. The day before she returned to work, our classroom teacher explained that the other teacher’s baby had died and so there was no baby and that it was very sad so we shouldn’t mention it or ask the teacher any questions.

Later that same year, every single baby from the class hamster’s litter died in a tragic way.

When I was in seventh grade, a classmate died from an accidental gun discharge. I still remember these events, but even though they were terribly sad, I was not permanently damaged by them and I learned that tragedy, pain and loss are part of life. You and your seventh grader will be fine.

It’s ridiculous to think that this teacher did anything wrong or that there’s any reason to speak with the administration.

So many posters have addressed why this is important to the teacher, but your post gets at what I've been trying to formulate -- it's good for the students. All of us are going to die, some more prematurely than others. And is almost always sad and shocking for those left behind. We here in America are fairly closed off to the emotions and reality of this universal situation. The reality is that one of this teacher's students will know (or sadly experience) the loss of a baby. And they will remember her. And feel less alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tweens are nosy as hell when it comes to their teachers.

I have had kids make fake accounts to try to get accepted by me to see my locked-down social media.

They always want to know 3 things about new teachers: 1) are you married? 2) are you gay? and 3) any kids?

My middle schooler is like this. But in her case, she adores her teachers and can't get enough of them. I'm sorry - I lovingly call her a "Teacher Stalker."