New teacher over sharing (death of newborn)

[Anonymous]

Yes, you’re a jerk, since you asked.

[Anonymous]

Reframe this:
Teacher at BTS night shows a big picture of a live newborn child who isn't sleeping and means she's exhausted beyond words. Luckily, the kids have been super supportive and helpful when she's dragging because of a baby who is teething.

Do you tell the administration?

And frankly, on a night where she is probably being faced with collage after collage of colleague's babies and their pictures, I totally get wanting to show her baby. While there is grief involved looking at pictures of a loved one, even a child, who has passed away..their is still pride that she/he was her baby. Loved, cute and her baby existed.

It's important we all let go of the idea that we should hide misscarraiges, newborn losses or grief in general. Middle schoolers need to learn how to openly share their grief now. What a wonderful lesson this COULD have been for you and your child. It could have led to conversations last night about grief and the fact that babies don't always go home with their families or reach adulthood.

Maybe start there.

[Anonymous]

Don't say anything. A lot of teachers overshare as a way to connect. Sometimes it can be helpful, sometimes not. This was overboard but not worth saying anything as she's still grieving.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I think it’s good for kids that age to have some exposure to learning about these kinds of things. It is really sad but it teaches kids empathy and expands their understanding on a difficult topic. I would take it as a positive that the teacher is vulnerable and is attempting to genuinely connect with her students.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has nothing to do with BTSN and everything to do with what goes on in the classroom. I have no idea how you got from “the students are being supportive” to “the teacher is leaning on the students for support” (that makes you sound totally nuts), but if the teacher is regularly breaking down in class, making the kids comfort her, etc., you can talk with administration. Otherwise, absolutely not. I think the former is unlikely and you are probably just weird and nuts though.

Same here. If the teacher is regularly crying in class and making the kids comfort her, you are going to hear about it. And that would be a problem. But nothing you said indicates that is happening. I think you're upset that someone talked about something sad and it made you uncomfortable and you are projecting that discomfort onto the kids (who are probably less bothered by it than you are) because "Won't someone think of the CHILDREN?" feels morally better than "I am uncomfortable with death and loss and grief."

Yes, this exactly. It is sad and it's hard to hear for you, but that doesn't mean she should have to hide her child's death.

[Anonymous]

It would be interesting to know the age range of those who think OP is a jerk and the age range of those (few) who think the teacher's presentation possibly leaned towards over-sharing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Last night was my 7th grader’s BTS night. Each teacher on the team started with a brief personal introduction (education, family, favorite activity, etc.) with a photo collage on their presentation. Most had pictures of their spouse, kids, activities, college banner, etc. A new teacher to the school had a photo of a newborn in a hospital with oxygen, IV, etc. as the most prominent photo of the collage, and she said her daughter passed away a few years ago but is very important to her, and the students have been very supportive.
I can only imagine the pain of losing a newborn. However, I do not think it should be discussed with students. It is not a recent death, nor did the students know her when she was pregnant. That said, kids often ask teachers “do you have kids”, and it must be a painful topic to answer. It’s possible she brought this up with students as a way to get this topic over with. But the way she said that her daughter is very important to her and the students are supportive was awkward, as if she is still processing the grief and the pain is still raw. And who would turn to brand new class for “support”?
I know there is no normal “timeline” and losing a child isn’t something you just “get over”. However, it has been several years and it seemed very odd and somewhat disturbing.
Thoughts? Would you say anything to the administration about it? Or am I a jerk for thinking this was inappropriate?

What on earth would you "say to the administration" - tell Ms. Jackson nobody wants to hear about her dead baby! ??

Yes, you're a jerk. It's not inappropriate, it's just sad. It made you uncomfortable because you were sad and didn't expect to experience any negative emotions. But unless you think it was an art project designed to jerk at your emotions, you can't call someone inappropriate for having had a terrible thing happen to them.

I agree. I wonder if this is "kindness" mom who wants to put her daughter in therapy because she wrote down negative opinions of her classmates in a private journal. NO NEGATIVE THOUGHTS EVER!

[Anonymous]

I would have taken it as a warning sign post for the helicopter angry parents that if they come in ranting about Larla's grade, they should not pull the accusatory "Do you have kids??" or "You're not a parent, so you can't ____" card with this teacher because they will be stepping on a land mine. Some people really don't understand how loaded those things can be. Now that the teacher has disclosed this, there is zero excuse.

I would also have taken it as "I'm sharing this part of myself with you and you don't have to hide it from your kids." And that maybe she draws a well of support and motivation from just being around her students and doing her job, not that she's leaning on them like social workers.

Interesting that you jumped to the interpretation most unfavorable to the teacher, though. That says something, and not about her.

[Anonymous]

These are SEVENTH graders. They know about death. If they don’t, you’ve been a lazy and stupid parent who hasn’t prepared them for the realities of life.

And by the way, likely as an experienced middle school teacher, she knows that kids sometimes use tasteless humor. There is a sub-genre of “humor” literally known as “dead baby jokes.” Middle schoolers might also discuss pregnancy and abortion in thoughtless ways. Sharing this information with them might help them to gain empathy and maturity, at least to the point of never making thoughtless remarks in her presence.

[Anonymous]

I think some people are being a little overhanded in their criticism of OP. For some perspective, when I initially read this, I too thought it was oversharing. Then I continued reading, and realized it's only my own upbringing of being taught to hide emotion and personal everything that makes me think that, and now understand better the people saying it's fine. Some of us can be swayed to rethink our opinions, you know, and even appreciate having other points of view demonstrated, but don't need to be talked down to in the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Inappropriate of teacher, but who am I to judge this lady. Let it go, and feel compassion, OP!!

Was it inappropriate because the baby died or inappropriate to share information about her family?

[Anonymous]

This pretty much takes the cake of being the jerkiest thing I have ever seen on dcum...and I've seen a lot of jerky things. OP - go pound sand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, please tell us what you would say to administration.

It’s not the photo or telling us about a loss that was necessarily wrong or inappropriate. Is that she’s leaning on students for support.
They are seventh graders, not grief counselors.

This. You all want to beat on OP, but it was inappropriate.

+1

I feel bad for the teacher, but kids these days have enough problems.

Yes, stemming from people like you guys who are made uncomfortable by other people being human. Maybe OP’s kid can learn how to be a compassionate human from the teacher, because her cold B Mom can’t seem to model that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think some people are being a little overhanded in their criticism of OP. For some perspective, when I initially read this, I too thought it was oversharing. Then I continued reading, and realized it's only my own upbringing of being taught to hide emotion and personal everything that makes me think that, and now understand better the people saying it's fine. Some of us can be swayed to rethink our opinions, you know, and even appreciate having other points of view demonstrated, but don't need to be talked down to in the process.

OP here. I have gotten a better perspective reading the backlash.
In my experience, BTS intros are a bunch of nice things, nothing too personal and nothing “bad”. This was unexpected. I would never share my deepest loss to a room of strangers. But I can see now why she chose to share, and it may help some families.

[Anonymous]

I recently met someone and when they shared about their kid I asked "oh how many kids do you have?" and they matter of factly said "X but 1 passed away." It was abrupt but who the HELL am I to judge that? It it a brave, healthy, apt thing to share with people you'll be seeing for a year, especially kids who want to know if you have kids and how many and their names and all kinds of stuff. Can you imagine being asked that 120 times over the course of a year? I bet you can't. And if you did experience that, I bet you'd be grateful for the people who heard your pain, held it, some identifying with it via their own losses, and were more empathetic and less apt to offend or be awkward because of it.

Yes, YATA.