New teacher over sharing (death of newborn)

[Anonymous]

You are a jerk.

[Anonymous]

You are a jerk. I hope you never have to experience anything like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you think it was okay for the teachers to share about their personal lives at all at BTS night--like, for example, about their livings kids--then I think you need to be okay with this, too. It is surely a huge part of her life, perhaps just as much as if the child were still alive.

Yeah, it seems like all the teachers were sharing about their families/children. Especially if this is her only child, of course it would make sense that she would share about it? I'm sure she still thinks of herself as a mother even though her baby died.

And supportive DOES mean understanding and caring ffs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that it’s not appropriate. The students didn’t see her pregnant and then not pregnant. This is not a recent loss that will result in absences from the classroom.

Of course this is part of her story, but it is not relevant to how parents or students interact with her. Not the same as a major life event, but I have a colleague who is gay. He is not closeted, but most people don’t realize he is gay. When asked he will say “I’m gay, but it’s not one of my top 3 adjectives” meaning that his sexuality or family structure has 0 bearing on his ability to do his job or interact socially with colleagues and clients. It’s part of who he is, but it’s not the most important part of who he is.

It is more relevant to her colleagues and principal and I hope they are being supportive.

Then you don’t want other teachers sharing about their families or interests either, huh?

[Anonymous]

As a former middle school teacher, our admin asked us to do similar (photo collage and brief background about ourselves--our families, hobbies, interests) for BTS night. I don't think anyone shared more than a few pictures or bits of info about themselves as parents filtered in and out. This is a major part of that teacher's background and life story. It is important to her. It IS her family. I'm a pretty private person so I probably wouldn't share those details w/ my students and their parents but it's totally fine that she chose to do so. There is nothing inappropriate about her sharing a picture of her child who died and a few brief words about her child and how difficult child loss has been. That's the point of this little presentation/demonstration: to get to know your kid's teacher and what's important to them and a little about their life story. If that makes you uncomfortable, you are a jerk.

Also, it's not up to you to decide how long or in which way she grieves her child.

I will say if it's something that she brings up often during class, that's inappropriate. If she truly were to lean on her students for support, that's inappropriate. If this somehow interferes with her teaching or your child's learning, that's inappropriate. But it doesn't sound like any of those things are true. It sounds like she simply mentioned it as she's getting to know students and their parents. Her saying the students "have been supportive" likely just means that when she told them about her daughter, they expressed sympathy/condolences briefly, which is actually a great thing that the students learn to do that at a young age...to realize that their teachers are human, to have compassion for others, to think about how difficult it must be to go through an experience like that and still go on w/ life and get up every day to teach them. Those are good things for 7th graders to learn.

[Anonymous]

I'll address it from a different perspective. Not only do I think that OP ITA, I also think that what this teacher is doing is completely appropriate.

The children are in 7th grade, so they are 12 and 13 year olds. They are at an age where learning about death, family loss and grief is appropropriate. They are tweens/teens and no longer at the age where you insulate them from such real-world experiences. The teacher sharing her loss and grief is a valuable learning experience. Grief, death and loss are difficult to learn about when they happen in your own family and many times when it happens, the adults in the family are themselves engulfed with grief and loss and not able to provide the best teaching environment for helping their own children with coping with these complex emotions. But, by sharing her loss, the teacher is providing them a way to understand and learn about grief and possibly learn coping mechanisms. Since it is not in the students' families, the students can see the situation with sympathy and compassion, without experiencing the grief and loss themselves.

I remember losing a dear family member when I was about 15 and it was very hard on our family. My parents were dealing with their own grief at the time and were not able to be as fully supportive as they normally were and not really able to help me through my grief and depression. It took quite some time for me to adjust and cope with the loss. Having a teacher like OP's child's teacher that shared her own grief and coping techniques and was able to share her experience with tweens and answer questions for them in a way that was less emotional for them, would have been very valuable.

And the way she is sharing it is that she's mentioned it in her life and the children have the option to come and talk to her, if they choose. It's optional and there if they want to ask about it or learn, but not something every child needs. I think it's very kind of her to share that with the students for those who may want or need to ask for dealing with issues in their own lives.

[Anonymous]

You are a jerk

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a former middle school teacher, our admin asked us to do similar (photo collage and brief background about ourselves--our families, hobbies, interests) for BTS night. I don't think anyone shared more than a few pictures or bits of info about themselves as parents filtered in and out. This is a major part of that teacher's background and life story. It is important to her. It IS her family. I'm a pretty private person so I probably wouldn't share those details w/ my students and their parents but it's totally fine that she chose to do so. There is nothing inappropriate about her sharing a picture of her child who died and a few brief words about her child and how difficult child loss has been. That's the point of this little presentation/demonstration: to get to know your kid's teacher and what's important to them and a little about their life story. If that makes you uncomfortable, you are a jerk.

Also, it's not up to you to decide how long or in which way she grieves her child.

I will say if it's something that she brings up often during class, that's inappropriate. If she truly were to lean on her students for support, that's inappropriate. If this somehow interferes with her teaching or your child's learning, that's inappropriate. But it doesn't sound like any of those things are true. It sounds like she simply mentioned it as she's getting to know students and their parents. Her saying the students "have been supportive" likely just means that when she told them about her daughter, they expressed sympathy/condolences briefly, which is actually a great thing that the students learn to do that at a young age...to realize that their teachers are human, to have compassion for others, to think about how difficult it must be to go through an experience like that and still go on w/ life and get up every day to teach them. Those are good things for 7th graders to learn.

-Fellow former teacher here -- very well said PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that it’s not appropriate. The students didn’t see her pregnant and then not pregnant. This is not a recent loss that will result in absences from the classroom.

Of course this is part of her story, but it is not relevant to how parents or students interact with her. Not the same as a major life event, but I have a colleague who is gay. He is not closeted, but most people don’t realize he is gay. When asked he will say “I’m gay, but it’s not one of my top 3 adjectives” meaning that his sexuality or family structure has 0 bearing on his ability to do his job or interact socially with colleagues and clients. It’s part of who he is, but it’s not the most important part of who he is.

It is more relevant to her colleagues and principal and I hope they are being supportive.

Then you don’t want other teachers sharing about their families or interests either, huh?

Right? I don't want to hear that Ms. Jones is married to a MAN! Of course, being straight is part of her story, but it's not relevant to how parents or students interact with her. (Note: I have NEVER heard a teacher discuss their boyfriend or girlfriend. I have heard MANY teachers mention their spouses and children. I assume that their "family structure" is pretty important to them.)

[Anonymous]

OP,


I had a premature newborn, tiny and ever so fragile, covered with tubes, in an incubator. His skin sagged and he looked old, like a lot of preemies do. I sent that photo to all my family and friends, so they could understand what I was going through.

It's an experience that you can never forget as a parent. Even more so if the baby does not make it, and this photo ends up being the only photo you have!!!

This life experience is part of this teacher's identity. She has a child. She went through pregnancy and birth, and desperately tried to care for it. She was able to see and touch her baby.
She is perfectly entitled to share that story, so the students understand her family composition.

Shame on you for not understanding. I am sure the students take it in stride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most insensitive post I've ever read here, and that's saying a LOT.

+1 hard to believe

[Anonymous]

You seem to be clutching your pearls about a picture of a baby with an IV and oxygen as if that’s some gruesome shocking thing. You realize that in normal non-Covid times, kids much younger than 7th grade can visit siblings in the nicu, right? NICU and infant loss are sadly quite common human experiences and 7th grade is plenty mature enough to deal with this. I think it was lovely of the teacher to be so vulnerable. I still remember my 5th grade teacher opening up to the class about her cancer diagnosis and letting the class ask questions. It was a *good* thing for all of us to learn some empathy.

[Anonymous]

Inappropriate of teacher, but who am I to judge this lady. Let it go, and feel compassion, OP!!

[Anonymous]

Yep, one more vote for you being the jerk. 7th graders are at the perfect age to learn that when someone has a baby, that baby might not be super cute and something little to show off to friends and a way to get a lot of new gifts. A new baby may be born under very scary circumstances and be very sick and ultimately die.

Good thing for them to learn as they begin dating and considering how far they'll go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, please tell us what you would say to administration.

It’s not the photo or telling us about a loss that was necessarily wrong or inappropriate. Is that she’s leaning on students for support.
They are seventh graders, not grief counselors.

She is not leaning on them for support. She just said they'd been supportive. She just means they were kind when she discussed it. Probably trying to allay any parents' fears of typical insensitive, inappropriate behavior that comes out of a lot seventh graders.