Friend asked to join book club - how to politely say no?

[Anonymous]

Wow. This thread is eye opening.

How would the friend know it's a closed group? If a friend mentions a book club that she belongs to, I would ask what kind of books they typically read and, if it's something that align with my interest, I could totally see myself asking, I've been looking for a book club like this--could I come? The ask itself is not rude. It's up to the OP to explain the nature of the group, or she could have saved herself the trouble by never mentioning it in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. This thread is eye opening.

How would the friend know it's a closed group? If a friend mentions a book club that she belongs to, I would ask what kind of books they typically read and, if it's something that align with my interest, I could totally see myself asking, I've been looking for a book club like this--could I come? The ask itself is not rude. It's up to the OP to explain the nature of the group, or she could have saved herself the trouble by never mentioning it in the first place.

People mention things in passing. You should not feel like because one mentions a book club that they are obligated to have to have the other person to join.
It is rude to ask if she can attend the next meeting. She should ask if there’s room for a new member rather.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you ever talk to your friend about the book club? My guess is you wanted to boast or show how intellectual you are or how many friends you have. I guess you can say that the group has a standing agreement not to invite new members because if everyone did, the size would grow untenable. How about you ask her to launch a new book club which you will also participate in? You can read two books a month, right?

This. If you didn't want her to join your "highly exclusive" club, you shouldn't have mentioned it. You don't sound like much of a friend.

Pretty soon her friend should know what type of a friend the OP is to her. I find this to be very sad.

This is probably why some of you don't have friends. START SLOW. OP said her book club was made up of members who had known each other for years. Her new friend is a neighbor. It takes time to become actual friends.

Calm down. Give your relationships some time. You'll slowly grow some friends.

I have friends but, how do you take it to the next level? If you never ask the answer will always be no.

Be patient. Continue doing things together. It will happen, PP -- it takes time. It's built up slowly. The OP's book club went through a life-altering experience together and it's harder when you're not going through that with others but it will happen.

Also invite some of the people you'd like to socialize more with over to your house for something.

Most of these people I have known for three years. That should be 'slow' enough. Look if you don't want to invite me don't keep telling me about how much you socialize together without me! And I have a terrible house for entertaining.

Ah, yes, the old “you should invite me even though I’m never going to reciprocate.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. This thread is eye opening.

How would the friend know it's a closed group? If a friend mentions a book club that she belongs to, I would ask what kind of books they typically read and, if it's something that align with my interest, I could totally see myself asking, I've been looking for a book club like this--could I come? The ask itself is not rude. It's up to the OP to explain the nature of the group, or she could have saved herself the trouble by never mentioning it in the first place.

People mention things in passing. You should not feel like because one mentions a book club that they are obligated to have to have the other person to join.
It is rude to ask if she can attend the next meeting. She should ask if there’s room for a new member rather.

I don't think it's rude to ask. It's also not rude for OP to say, "No, sorry, it's a closed group."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. This thread is eye opening.

How would the friend know it's a closed group? If a friend mentions a book club that she belongs to, I would ask what kind of books they typically read and, if it's something that align with my interest, I could totally see myself asking, I've been looking for a book club like this--could I come? The ask itself is not rude. It's up to the OP to explain the nature of the group, or she could have saved herself the trouble by never mentioning it in the first place.

People mention things in passing. You should not feel like because one mentions a book club that they are obligated to have to have the other person to join.
It is rude to ask if she can attend the next meeting. She should ask if there’s room for a new member rather.

I don't think it's rude to ask. It's also not rude for OP to say, "No, sorry, it's a closed group."

It is very rude to ask to come to the next meeting. It is okay to ask if it’s open to new people.

[Anonymous]

Your poor neighbor took a leap, but a long established group (book club in this instance) should not feel obligated to add a new member with zero history. In fact OP if you told me, hey this is a group that’s been together since our kids were babies, I’d RATHER not join. I’d hate to show up only to realize everyone’s known each other for years and have back stories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. This thread is eye opening.

How would the friend know it's a closed group? If a friend mentions a book club that she belongs to, I would ask what kind of books they typically read and, if it's something that align with my interest, I could totally see myself asking, I've been looking for a book club like this--could I come? The ask itself is not rude. It's up to the OP to explain the nature of the group, or she could have saved herself the trouble by never mentioning it in the first place.

People mention things in passing. You should not feel like because one mentions a book club that they are obligated to have to have the other person to join.
It is rude to ask if she can attend the next meeting. She should ask if there’s room for a new member rather.

I don't think it's rude to ask. It's also not rude for OP to say, "No, sorry, it's a closed group."

It is very rude to ask to come to the next meeting. It is okay to ask if it’s open to new people.

OP said neighbor "asked to join" isn't that the same thing? That doesn't mean can I come to the next meeting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. This thread is eye opening.

How would the friend know it's a closed group? If a friend mentions a book club that she belongs to, I would ask what kind of books they typically read and, if it's something that align with my interest, I could totally see myself asking, I've been looking for a book club like this--could I come? The ask itself is not rude. It's up to the OP to explain the nature of the group, or she could have saved herself the trouble by never mentioning it in the first place.

People mention things in passing. You should not feel like because one mentions a book club that they are obligated to have to have the other person to join.
It is rude to ask if she can attend the next meeting. She should ask if there’s room for a new member rather.

I don't think it's rude to ask. It's also not rude for OP to say, "No, sorry, it's a closed group."

It is very rude to ask to come to the next meeting. It is okay to ask if it’s open to new people.

OP said neighbor "asked to join" isn't that the same thing? That doesn't mean can I come to the next meeting.

^ She asked to join first, before asking again. Sounds like OP never responded after the first ask so why didn't she say it wasn't open the first time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. This thread is eye opening.

How would the friend know it's a closed group? If a friend mentions a book club that she belongs to, I would ask what kind of books they typically read and, if it's something that align with my interest, I could totally see myself asking, I've been looking for a book club like this--could I come? The ask itself is not rude. It's up to the OP to explain the nature of the group, or she could have saved herself the trouble by never mentioning it in the first place.

People mention things in passing. You should not feel like because one mentions a book club that they are obligated to have to have the other person to join.
It is rude to ask if she can attend the next meeting. She should ask if there’s room for a new member rather.

I don't think it's rude to ask. It's also not rude for OP to say, "No, sorry, it's a closed group."

It is very rude to ask to come to the next meeting. It is okay to ask if it’s open to new people.

OP said neighbor "asked to join" isn't that the same thing? That doesn't mean can I come to the next meeting.

Uh stupid, the OP says exactly that at the end of her original post. Read!

[Anonymous]

If you're in a book club that's not open to new members, you should obey the first rule of book club.

Never talk about book club.

But seriously, I had a friend in London who was in a book club with Natascha McElhone and I would have loved to join but wouldn't have dreamed of asking. Now that was an exclusive group.

OP's group sounds boring. Just mommies from Bethesda. Yawn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. This thread is eye opening.

How would the friend know it's a closed group? If a friend mentions a book club that she belongs to, I would ask what kind of books they typically read and, if it's something that align with my interest, I could totally see myself asking, I've been looking for a book club like this--could I come? The ask itself is not rude. It's up to the OP to explain the nature of the group, or she could have saved herself the trouble by never mentioning it in the first place.

People mention things in passing. You should not feel like because one mentions a book club that they are obligated to have to have the other person to join.
It is rude to ask if she can attend the next meeting. She should ask if there’s room for a new member rather.

I don't think it's rude to ask. It's also not rude for OP to say, "No, sorry, it's a closed group."

It is very rude to ask to come to the next meeting. It is okay to ask if it’s open to new people.

OP said neighbor "asked to join" isn't that the same thing? That doesn't mean can I come to the next meeting.

^ She asked to join first, before asking again. Sounds like OP never responded after the first ask so why didn't she say it wasn't open the first time?

Because it was an awkward situation and that doesn’t give the go ahead to ask to join next meeting.

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t sound like a book club. It sounds like old friends meeting who have known each other a decade. Not sure why you call it a book club.

Start a new book club with the other woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're in a book club that's not open to new members, you should obey the first rule of book club.

Never talk about book club.

But seriously, I had a friend in London who was in a book club with Natascha McElhone and I would have loved to join but wouldn't have dreamed of asking. Now that was an exclusive group.

OP's group sounds boring. Just mommies from Bethesda. Yawn.

You weren’t invited so they don’t care what you think. You can start your own.

[Anonymous]

Ask your group. It’s hard making friends. I feel bad for your friend. The fact that you’re writing this post comes off as you’re actually cliquey. It’s just a book club geez. Why not be kind?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn’t sound like a book club. It sounds like old friends meeting who have known each other a decade. Not sure why you call it a book club.

Start a new book club with the other woman.

Because they are old friends who read a book and talk about it. Hence, the name book club.