Teenage daughter troubles

[Anonymous]

The moment you stop your payments, these con-women will start behaving.

Wash your hands off from the teen daughter because there is zero connection between the two of you. Of couse, later in life if she wants to have a relationship with you, be open to it. Focus your energy and money on the daughter who lives with you and her mother.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You don't sound grateful that your ex raised your child single handedly.

Why would he be thankful? He wanted to raise his daughter.

OP here I didn't initiate the divorce. When she met me she knew I was a soldier and would eventually return. She was married to a soldier before me. We met when she was 23 and had our daughter when she was 25. She said she didn't want to leave her family and wanted me to remain in Europe. I'm not looking for sympathy. I am heartbroken yes.
I will pay the money but no longer to her mother.

Call it war time stupidity. I returned from war and she was waiting for me. Lost many of my soldiers. It was a bad time. Now when k look back yes the writing was on the wall.


You got a foreign 23 yr old outside the US, who had already been married and divorced to a US soldier once, pregnant and married her. Sounds like soldiers used her just like she used them. Not to rub salt in the wound, but really dumb decision to get involved with her and it should have been obvious. It is totally unrealistic of you to have expected some normal US custody/visitation situation or a normal father/daughter relationship- your situation just isn’t that.

There are service members’ (and CIA, etc.) babies all over the world that don’t even know their fathers. Common.

But you have to come to terms with your situation is vastly different than if you divorced your pregnant American wife in Virginia. It isn’t the same and you can’t expect the same outcome.

Exactly it is well known that local women prey on service members. You guys are a guaranteed check for them and as you said for 27 years. Move on your daughter sucks. Sounds just as greedy as her mom and will probably grow up to prey on a man and use him as a cash line

They both used each other. It is what it is. Don’t blame her.

It is well known that military men get trapped. I work with an non profit helping men get custody.

If only they were adults who could make smart decisions about where they put their reproductive equipment. Oh, wait…

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I would let her know that it’s hurtful that she doesn’t call or contact you, but otherwise wouldn’t lay down too much of a guilt trip. Teenagers are selfish. Instead let natural consequences happen and just say no more often to her money requests if that’s the only reason she calls you.

As for paying support, what is she doing as an 18 year old? Going to college?

I am have to pay till she is 27. She lives in Germany and high school ends at 19.
I sent the support to my daughter directly and it triggered the mom. My daughter stopped talking to me two weeks prior because I called her out for not messaging.
The only message I got from my daughter was after her mom sent me a threatening email about child support needing to go to her and not my daughter. I daughter said she was not in a good mood to speak to me and wanted time alone and how the money needs to go to her mom and not her as she will be living at home. After 18 child support has to be split between two parents there and goes to the child directly.

But you're not in Germany. I'm confused why you feel obligated to do the German way.

Paying until 27 is crazy!

How about mom follows the U.S. way and be done by 18?

This. Since the money is coming out of the US and she’s 18, It stops today.

That’s not how it works. The child lives in Germany and German law applies.

27 is absurd though and not the law. Get the lawyer tomorrow, OP.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Is there any way you can get counseled by an international or German lawyer?

The DD asking you to please send the money to her mom sounds shady, and like she's a cash cow for the mom and is under pressure.

Yes I will be doing that.

Cut the mom and her off. Cut her out of your will if you have one. Of she wants a relationship she can have one when she can think for herself. Save your assets for your 3 year old. And no need to be grateful to a woman who commits parental alienation. Guess what dad's can be victims too

What evidence do you have of that? OP was not in the child's life. You really think being absent her entire childhood has nothing to do with how little she feels for him? Oh, must be parental alienating. Oh brother.

Read again he said she cut him out the daughter's life till the kid was three- I think that is alienation.

And in those three years did he try to get custody? Did he contact a lawyer about visitation? Or did he just say "huh" and move on with his life?

You don't have to think that the mom was doing everything right to be aware that dad was uninvolved. He could have fought to be in the child's life at that time and he didn't. [b]He could have made visitation a condition of paying child support but he didn't. [i] Now he's paid child support for a while from the other side of the world and he wants the kid to call him Daddy, and reach out to him on Father's Day (is it even the same day in Germany?) but that's not how it works. He'll always be the guy that divorced mom when she was born and was never around. It doesn't make the daughter a brat or mercenary or ungrateful - she didn't invent any narrative and she doesn't have to have been force-fed any lies by mom to see the reality of her family life.

No, he couldn’t.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:lol @ the one, lonely bitter woman taking the mom's side in this thread. Who hurt you?

I'm neither lonely nor bitter. I live with my husband who is an excellent, actual father. I just think it's hilarious how a "dad" who's done exactly the legal minimum can claim to be aggrieved and get automatic "yeah women are always alienating kids" comments. Alienate from what? He lived on another continent. And his complaint isn't that he doesn't see his daughter enough, or know her better, it's that *she* doesn't call *him* on his birthday. Who hurt you to have such low expectations of men?

+1. Imagine being an adult whining about not getting calls on his birthday. I’m embarrassed for him. And no, I’m not this PP. Feel free to ask the moderator — or, you know, get a life.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My kids went to school in Germany, and it wasn't easy for moms to work when they had kids. The elementary school day finished at 12.30 pm, and moms were expected to be at home in the afternoon to supervise homework. Our school did not have aftercare either.

There is a name in Germany for women who go out to work while their kids are young: Rabenmutter (lit. raven mother). It means a mother who neglects her kids.

I'm not making excuses for your ex, but she probably needed money from you in order to raise your daughter.

Well that's the entire point of child support. Despite what many men on this thread and elsewhere seem to think, the money is to support their child, who is being cared for by someone else, usually the mother. You are not doing the mother some big favor by sending her a check. Also child support does not even BEGIN to cover half of the actual cost of raising a child. Nice try, guys.

Get a job

Shut up and pay your support.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why on earth would you expect her to take an interest in your toddler? Your expectations are very, very out of whack.

Why not??? Then I think it's fair to say step mom shouldn't take an interest in this brat.

Please review the difference between adults and teenagers and try again. Thanks ever so.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why on earth would you expect her to take an interest in your toddler? Your expectations are very, very out of whack.

Written by someone from the fist wife club lol

Nope. Happily married to my first husband. “LOL.”

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Men who think the mom should do 100% of the work raising their children but also think THEY are equals as parents are idiots. One parent is doing the work of parenting -- the other is not. Of course the one doing the parenting gets to call the shots. But no, the one only cutting the check from a distance thinks it's fine to tell the other parent how to run their household, demand contact on their schedule and then say it's "brainwashing and turning the child against the father" if the one doing the parenting gets to decide when it makes sense to have contact in the actual, real-life household in which the child lives and is being cared for in real life by the actual parent (i.e., not egg or sperm donor).

Unreal. I don't see anywhere in the OP's posts that the mom turned his DD against him. She was just struggling to raise her kid.

OP you should say "Thank you for raising our daughter on your own. I admire you and appreciate what you've done. I know it must have been hard and I sure as hell couldn't have done it." See if that gets you somewhere instead of complaining about how you didn't get to talk to your DD when YOU wanted to, from the other side of the planet, and now she's not interested in you. Boo hoo hoo.

Thank you for what?! Stop projecting.
If I read correctly the ex wife didn't want to move here. So what was he to do?

He got himself into that mess. I would never move away from my kids, not for all the money in the world. Never.

Military don't have a choice. You move where and when they tell you to. Or they can throw you in the brig. Then you REALLY never get to see your kid.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Don’t “call her out” on anything. It will not be helpful and will further alienate you. Love her, support her, send money to her if you want. Have all your messages to her be positive and not needy of seeded in obligation (you don’t call me, you forgot grandma, etc.). Let her know you love her and are there for her. Offer to come visit. Keep it all very loving and positive. No guilt tripping. Hopefully she comes around eventually, but that likely won’t happen while living with mother. Her instinct now is to please her mother, since she is living with her.

Mom of a teenager here...is this supposed to be sarcastic? This is ridiculous. He will only create an entitled young woman

Entitled to what? She doesn’t owe him anything...really. He doesn’t need to keep sending money if he doesn’t want to and isn’t legally obligated. But he can if he wants to. He shouldn’t expect anything in return though. That is how good parents operate. She doesn’t owe him a specific relationship on his terms. Be nice, be kind, be loving, and see what comes of it.

OP here that is exactly what I did but for 18 years it's always been on their terms. I have tried and tried. Am I not entitled to be treated like a father or do I just accept I'm no more than an ATM?

OP, yes, you’re no more than an ATM to them. She’s 18 you owe them nothing anymore. Move on and when your daughter decide not to behave not like a brat and be more considerate you can open yourself up to have a relationship. They’ve controlled the situation for far too long. Focus on your 3 year old daughter.

Question: as a custodial mom, am I also allowed to "move on" from my teen daughter when she acts like a brat?

When she is 18, yes you are. Hell, she doesn't even have to be a "brat." She could be the best person in the whole world and you are still "allowed" to tell her to get the hell out of your life.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:lol @ the one, lonely bitter woman taking the mom's side in this thread. Who hurt you?

I'm neither lonely nor bitter. I live with my husband who is an excellent, actual father. I just think it's hilarious how a "dad" who's done exactly the legal minimum can claim to be aggrieved and get automatic "yeah women are always alienating kids" comments. Alienate from what? He lived on another continent. And his complaint isn't that he doesn't see his daughter enough, or know her better, it's that *she* doesn't call *him* on his birthday. Who hurt you to have such low expectations of men?

I'm another pp defending the mother, and not the PP above. Presumably there are others as well.

Another one here. I must have missed this. Why doesn't OP live in germany?

Do you know ANYTHING about the military?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you've done everything you could do but the fact is, you did not raise your DD. That's the sad fact. You have to accept that you have the relationship with her that is the result of being raised solely by her mom.

You're using child support as a weapon instead of something that is your responsibility as a parent.

OP here again I sent the child support directly to my daughter and not he mom as she is 18 now. My daughter is the one who stopped talking to me after she sent me threatening email demanding I put it her paypal account and she will transfer it to my daughter.

My daughter said send the money to mom I am not in the mood to speak with you and need space.

Do you love your daughter? Do you miss her company? Do you want to spend more time with her, IRL? Tell her that in a way that's not dragging all the negativity about her mom and child support into it. You can't expect her to be close to you when you're tearing down her mom. Tell her you want to spend more time with her so you can get to know her better. Tell her that being around your 3 year old has made you realize how much you've missed out on. Tell her you're sorry you haven't been there for her more but that you want to change that. Etc. (If that's how you feel....) You've said a lot about how ripped off and used you feel but not much about loving your DD.

Mom here, why should he pander to the daughter? she is old enough to want a relationship. and it seems it is the mom who is using the daughter to get money. this will continue until the daughter finishes schoiol. Cut the mom out. daughter is 18 you owe her nothing. she will come around or not. you have another daughter focus on her

Loving your child, missing them and wanting to get to know them -- that's PANDERING to them? Wow. Hard to grasp where you're coming from, PP. Do you even have kids?

I do thank you. I have also read that he wrote he tried to get to know her. Perhaps you should read properly. Bitter woman

"Bitter woman"? How?

He's complaining that he has no connection to his DD and yet all the things he needs to do to be connected to her are somehow beneath him -- how does that work?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you've done everything you could do but the fact is, you did not raise your DD. That's the sad fact. You have to accept that you have the relationship with her that is the result of being raised solely by her mom.

You're using child support as a weapon instead of something that is your responsibility as a parent.

OP here again I sent the child support directly to my daughter and not he mom as she is 18 now. My daughter is the one who stopped talking to me after she sent me threatening email demanding I put it her paypal account and she will transfer it to my daughter.

My daughter said send the money to mom I am not in the mood to speak with you and need space.

Do you love your daughter? Do you miss her company? Do you want to spend more time with her, IRL? Tell her that in a way that's not dragging all the negativity about her mom and child support into it. You can't expect her to be close to you when you're tearing down her mom. Tell her you want to spend more time with her so you can get to know her better. Tell her that being around your 3 year old has made you realize how much you've missed out on. Tell her you're sorry you haven't been there for her more but that you want to change that. Etc. (If that's how you feel....) You've said a lot about how ripped off and used you feel but not much about loving your DD.

Mom here, why should he pander to the daughter? she is old enough to want a relationship. and it seems it is the mom who is using the daughter to get money. this will continue until the daughter finishes schoiol. Cut the mom out. daughter is 18 you owe her nothing. she will come around or not. you have another daughter focus on her

Loving your child, missing them and wanting to get to know them -- that's PANDERING to them? Wow. Hard to grasp where you're coming from, PP. Do you even have kids?

I do thank you. I have also read that he wrote he tried to get to know her. Perhaps you should read properly. Bitter woman

"Bitter woman"? How?

He's complaining that he has no connection to his DD and yet all the things he needs to do to be connected to her are somehow beneath him -- how does that work?

Please you really do not read. He has tried maybe go back and read. Made several trips over, tried to Skype, took her shopping as it seems that is all she wants to do. The ungrateful brat can't even reply to his messages. I'm sorry and he is meant to what beg her and pander to her. No he needs to cut her off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi would appreciate some feedback. My daughter will turn 18 soon. She lives in Europe with her mother. I'm a soldier we divorced when she was born. Mother didn't want to move to the U.S.
She denied me access to her till she was three. With the distance and language barrier it hasn't been an easy ride. I made sure to fly there a few times a year. Paid child support. The mom fought for sole custody and supervised all my visits. Daughter wasn't allowed to come to the states till she was 13- but this was a week holiday consisting of many shopping trips. I have done the best I could given the circumstances. She wouldn't allow her to come here incase I kidnapped her ( I would never). Over the years I have made sure to message and call my daughter regularly. My ex wife I feel always used my daughter to get extra money. I paid child support, pocket money, paid for flights to Europe, shopping trips, tuition, gym. If the amount wasn't to the mother's liking conveniently my daughter would refuse to speak to me or even wish me a happy birthday. At the age of 10 apparently ny daughter wanted to see my pay stubs.
Fast forward she takes forever to respond to my messages, doesn't pick up my calls, doesn't ever remember my birthday, her grandmother's. We only get messages when she wants something. Last month I had enough and I called her out on it. She didn't respond to my messages. And now that she is 18 I sent the child support payment directly to her rather than her mother. The mother is very angry and wants payments till my daughter is 27. She also said im out of line for telling my daughter to take responsibility for her actions and do a better job of staying In touch. I'm lost. Is it ok to tell a teenager to remember birthdays and make more of an effort. Or do I just Stat quiet and accept the relationship. I do have another daughter she's a toddler. My daughter has no interest in her either.

Honestly, it sounds like your only value to them is the money you provide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a legal obligation to pay child support until age 27?

Child support ends once the child turns 18.