BIL offered our vacation home to his brother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am ok to withdraw the privilege of using the vacation house from SIL and BIL, but I think it is extremely l petty to cancel the holiday plans for a misunderstanding.

Seriously, tell your DH to use the opportunity to put cameras in place and shut down on family using your place as an unpaid AirBnB going forward. It is a good lesson learned. But, don't be so emotionally immature and dysfunctional to cut off relationship with your siblings and nieces and nephews. Ugh.

Actually, I would blame you for not setting boundaries and expectations up front. Are you guys new money? Blue collar background perhaps, and maybe now you and your DH are better off than the rest of the family? It sounds like that kind of dynamics. It seems like a difference in SES norms.

Found the gaslighter.

Right? Who needs to say, "Oh, and by the way, please don't invite other people to stay at our house when YOU AREN'T EVEN THERE"? I'm from a blue-collar background, and while it might be reasonable to invite some friends to stay with them when they go, it's NOT reasonable to invite other people to stay at someone else's house without asking them. That's nuts.

Yeah this was very odd advice. I couldn't possibly anticipate every violating thing another person could come up . . . it's not a free for all just because I didn't list every vice and violation I wouldn't accept first. "And don't use our home to traffic in drugs or humans. And don't set our house on fire. And . . ." Oh sh*t, I forgot, "Don't turn our house into an AirBNB without our knowledge and now it's booked every weekend!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have second home on MDs Eastern Shore which we have let my DHs sister’s family use when we know we won’t be there. We arrived yesterday and discovered her DH’s brother and his wife and 2 kids (unknown to us beyond meeting at their wedding 8 years ago/no relation to us) using our pool, pool house, outdoor kitchen, screened porch. It was obvious from their supplies they were set up to spend weekend plus there! We found out the BIL had told them he was sure we wouldn’t mind, told them key code, etc. Although they did pack up & leave it was super awkward with pauses where they obviously were waiting for us to tell them to stay. My DH called his sister and her excuse for her DH was that he assumed we wouldn’t mind, assumed (for zero reason) we wouldn’t be using and anyway - hey he didn’t give them key code to house so obviously respectful of our privacy! WTF?!? We obviously changed key codes but DH so pissed he wants to disinvite his sister/BIL from our usual Labor Day shared weekend - which I understand but it punishes our kids as they love this tradition with their cousins.
This is mostly a vent but I’m just shocked they thought nbd…and trying not to wonder who else they’ve had stay there.

So the OP DH sister/BIL family was not at the OP's second home. The OP's DH had to call his sister who was not present with her family. This is so incredible. In 8 years OP saw them once at her wedding so if the grifters were locals she likely would have seen them at other times over 8 years. Change the codes and reduce the Labor Day long weekend freebie to 2 days 1 overnight or a 1 day outing for them to your house for a bbq. No free overnights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it crossed my mind that if they had gotten hurt on your property, they could sue y’all. They would say that they had permission to be there with codes to enter certain area.

I can’t believe your BIL or SIL nonchalant attitude😳

This is what would anger me the most (and the reason I will never buy a place with a pool). They put you at a tremendous risk. You need to secure the place ASAP--cameras, locks, pool cover on at all times you aren't there, etc. And never give any of that info out to anyone. Keep Labor Day plans as they are if you want (though I think it will be super awkward) but I would never let his sister use the place without you there again. She needs to understand how unbelievably rude this was.

[Anonymous]

I’m glad you decided not to blow up the whole family relationships over this OP. It sounds like an incredibly difficult situation.

FWIW we have a beach house too and a lot of the time it sits empty. I have offered to let people who are in the area come use our driveway to park and access the private beach and even sit around on the ocean front porches if they want. At least your in-laws in law did not use the code to access the inside of the house and move right on in. I hope at some level people in that family are embarrassed. I’m glad you’re taking steps to make sure it never happens again. Pretty crazy story!! Maybe one day you can laugh about it….

[Anonymous]

in-laws’ in-law *

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aside from the BIL angle I also find it weird that the uninvited guests would want to sleep on the porch just so they would have access to a pool and a grill. Sleeping on a porch sounds uncomfortable and possibly very hot with the heat wave. I'd want to sleep in a bed or at least on mattress and access to a pool isn't worth it to give up a comfy nights sleep.

They were getting to go to a vacation spot for free . . . that was the appeal. If your budget for a vacation is $0, you'll sleep on a porch.


OP, sounds like a good update. Since it's your husband's sibling, it's definitely something for them to handle.

I wish I could have been a fly on the wall when BIL was offering it to his brother. Whose idea was it? And why? So many questions . . .

PP here and I would just not take a vacation if I couldn't afford one. Sleeping on a porch during a heat wave sounds awful and not like a vacation. I would use the gas money I saved from the trip and go to a public pool or pretty much anything than sleep on a porch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am ok to withdraw the privilege of using the vacation house from SIL and BIL, but I think it is extremely l petty to cancel the holiday plans for a misunderstanding.

Seriously, tell your DH to use the opportunity to put cameras in place and shut down on family using your place as an unpaid AirBnB going forward. It is a good lesson learned. But, don't be so emotionally immature and dysfunctional to cut off relationship with your siblings and nieces and nephews. Ugh.

Actually, I would blame you for not setting boundaries and expectations up front. Are you guys new money? Blue collar background perhaps, and maybe now you and your DH are better off than the rest of the family? It sounds like that kind of dynamics. It seems like a difference in SES norms.

What, precisely, was the "misunderstanding" here? Seems like everyone understood perfectly what was going on.

[Anonymous]

OP this is sooooo bizarre. I know you don't need anymore advice but I just had to add to the chorus that I truly can't believe it. I'm glad you're going through with labor day since it does sound like you are close otherwise and therefore this is probably something you all can get through. It sounds like you all are very generous people and somehow the bil just has bad boundaries/understanding around these things. It's hard to imagine, really. And that the other family would be ok coming knowing that you all didn't know? I can't imagine enjoying my time knowing I'm sneaking into someone's poolhouse?? It's really just all hard to imagine. My parents have a second home that they are very generous with and I just cannot imagine someone doing something like this and thinking it's ok. For example, they share often with my uncle (dad's brother) who has younger kids, and they've brought family friend's with them to the cabin but they ASK. My parent's always know who is going up.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you handled it well, OP! My knee jerk reaction would also to be to cut them off for a while, but it was smart to take the time to cool off. Canceling LDW would have kept the wedge firmly in place and would have been harder to budge later. Your plan is the mature, family oriented one, and a good model for the kids about working things out, and forgiveness, even if you do keep that door code to yourself for a good long time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Damn. That is some crazy nonsense. Did your husband’s sister know? I’m kinda with your husband right now: no visit over Labor Day. The BIL needs to acknowledge what a serious violation of trust this was. Until that happens, they need a break. Your kids will be fine.

+1 why not invite another family with kids to join you. What your BIL did was outrageous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Damn. That is some crazy nonsense. Did your husband’s sister know? I’m kinda with your husband right now: no visit over Labor Day. The BIL needs to acknowledge what a serious violation of trust this was. Until that happens, they need a break. Your kids will be fine.

+1 why not invite another family with kids to join you. What your BIL did was outrageous.

I think it's a teachable moment for OP's kids: "We know you like having the weekend with Uncle Dickface and Aunt Clueless, but we're really mad at them for what they did and, even more, for the fact that they don't think what they did was wrong. So we're going to take a break from everyone this year -- grownups need timeouts, too -- and then we'll see about next year. We're not going to be mad forever."

[Anonymous]

I understand not wanting to blow up the family relationship over BIL's stupidity.

I am still unclear if the trespassers knew that OP didn't know.

How mortifying for the parents having to pack up and tell their kids they were caught and uh now what do we do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SIL was pretty nonchalant, basically an oopsie ’we didn’t know you were going to go this weekend…’ And not that it really matters but despite pool, pool house this isn’t a fancy big house where there’s so much room we wouldn’t even notice extra guests.

Couldn’t your family sleep in the pool house and let the guy that was there first enjoy a few days? Just kicking him out makes yta.

Hey look, BIL's brother entered the chat!

:lol:

Aren't these posts completely crazy? Op is the azz? Insane. Also a poster called her immature for letting this affect the relationship with sil? Ridiculous.
I can't believe anyone would suggest that op was wrong for not letting these people stay. And who the heck vacations on someone's screened in porch. They knew what they were doing wasn't ok. I probably wouldn't say much to sil or bil. I would cancel ldw and give myself some distance from them.

I bet if op and spouse do anything sil is going to be angry and play the victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand not wanting to blow up the family relationship over BIL's stupidity.

I am still unclear if the trespassers knew that OP didn't know.

How mortifying for the parents having to pack up and tell their kids they were caught and uh now what do we do?

If they didn't know, they should have. They didn't have access to the inside of the house? They never had any contact with the homeowners? Sketchy, at a minimum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have second home on MDs Eastern Shore which we have let my DHs sister’s family use when we know we won’t be there. We arrived yesterday and discovered her DH’s brother and his wife and 2 kids (unknown to us beyond meeting at their wedding 8 years ago/no relation to us) using our pool, pool house, outdoor kitchen, screened porch. It was obvious from their supplies they were set up to spend weekend plus there! We found out the BIL had told them he was sure we wouldn’t mind, told them key code, etc. Although they did pack up & leave it was super awkward with pauses where they obviously were waiting for us to tell them to stay. My DH called his sister and her excuse for her DH was that he assumed we wouldn’t mind, assumed (for zero reason) we wouldn’t be using and anyway - hey he didn’t give them key code to house so obviously respectful of our privacy! WTF?!? We obviously changed key codes but DH so pissed he wants to disinvite his sister/BIL from our usual Labor Day shared weekend - which I understand but it punishes our kids as they love this tradition with their cousins.
This is mostly a vent but I’m just shocked they thought nbd…and trying not to wonder who else they’ve had stay there.

Wow! Did not read all the pages on this thread, but for me this would have been a huge breach of trust.

How would have I handled it? I would have probably told the uninvited guests (UG) to hang around, use the pool, have a drink and a meal with us (grill burgers?) before they left for their home, because I would not have wanted to embarrass them in front of their children. Also, I would have blamed my SIL and BIL for the snafu and given the benefit of doubt to the UGs.

I would also not have disinvited SIL-BIL from the LDW, in fact, I would have treated them like just another guest and would have also invited the uninvited guests and their kids for the LDW... BUT, SIL-BIL and family would be told that they no longer have access to our home, pool, vehicle or property - EVER, without our permission. All codes would be changed and all keys returned. If I would find them really apologetic about the whole incident, maybe in a couple of years, I would give them one more chance and put this business behind me. I don't like to muddy family relations but I am also a person who spells out my expectations up front.

WTH?