Hate having kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, to continue the metaphor. One would say you push the distaste of cleaning the toilet to the back of your mind in order to enjoy the clean bathroom the rest of the time. If you never cleaned the toilet seat, the bathroom would be disgusting. There is a trade off. It sounds like you find no joy in the clean bathroom here (if the clean bathroom is, 'relationship with your children'). If you did, I'd say focus on the positives because dwelling in this bitterness will do nothing to change your situation and only cause your life to be worse.

I have to pretend. I do that but I hate it. They’re literally are no positives. I posted because I’m hoping I will not feel this way when they are adults but I know I will continue to feel this way as long as they are living in my house.

Honestly you should go and see a therapist. It is not normal to dislike your entire life and be able to find no positives in it. Even if you have real reasonable reasons for being unhappy about how you got there. You have kids, that is your life, humans adapt and find the good in their situations. If you are unable to do that, I would believe you probably are depressed and could be helped by therapy and medication.

It is not your kid's fault or parenting generally that you are miserable. Misery like you are describing is a choice. I hate working in an office job but it is how I keep a roof over my head so I find the good and focus on that. Life is about finding the good. And an inability to find the good isn't a problem with life, it is a problem with you.

I’m not depressed; this is actually how I feel. Both of my grandmother‘s were exactly the same.

NP. You do not need to be depressed to get therapy. Therapy isn't some fix for brokenness but a tool to increase self awareness and processing which may in turn heal issues if there are any.

OP, even the way you respond to people in this chain is void of emotive expression. It makes me think there could be a lack of empathy in general. Does that resonate? Also, how did your grandmothers disliking parenting impact your own parents and your own experience as a child?

I think there is more going on here. To be fair I don't understand how you feel. I don't particularly enjoy much of parenting myself but it is a joy to get to know my child and bear witness to their evolution and growth. It is also joyful to observe how much joy she gives to her aunts, uncles, grandparents etc...

I'm not really sure what is going on here but kids also become adults one day. Saying you don't like kids is such a huge blanket statement like "I don't like men", "I don't like old people". It just seems peculiar. I believe that you don't like them but it could be good to understand for yourself, if you don't already, what exactly it is that you don't like about them and how you came to this conclusion.

I certainly don't like all kids, or people for that matter, but that's very different than saying "I don't like women period" or "I don't like kids period".

Anyway I wish you the best and some joy in your life too. I'm sorry you are in this position you disdain so much. I believe it can change for you, or I have hope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. I’d encourage you to talk to a therapist just to come up with strategies. Our US system of child rearing doesn’t help. In many other cultures, having multiple households and/or generations living together helps alleviate the stress. Many of my cousins loved basically nannying their nieces and nephews. We are so nuclear-family oriented that there can be drawbacks (obviously varies based on individuals and the family dynamics). Wealthy people have the resources for endless sitters, boarding schools, etc. Thats just a different reality.

Parenting can be a slog sometimes but hopefully you love your children and can hold on to the positives.

What positives? I really feel like there literally are none.

Love in and of itself is a huge positive. Having the opportunity to love and be loved is a great blessing.

OP, do you think you held yourself back from bonding with the kids because of not wanting them? Or do you think you struggle with the capacity to care for others in general?

I am an extremely introverted person and I don’t like groups of any kind. I don’t like dealing with families; I don’t like dealing with groups of friends; I don’t like dealing with church; I don’t like dealing with any types of celebrations or anything and I’ve been like this my whole life. I like working… and that’s it. Don’t like being around groups of people. Being around people exhaust me. It’s the endless need to do all these things with kids that really gets to me. Cool Play dates, the parties, the stupid graduation things— I don’t wanna do any of that. I didn’t wanna do it myself and now I have to repeat it. Can’t stand it.

You seem to think your ex is a terrible parent, but surely he could handle some of the birthday parties and other social events so you don't have to go? Or you could hire a nanny who can handle them?

I think my Mom is a bit like you in the sense that she is very introverted. If it was up to her, I think she would live alone in the country and only see other people every couple of weeks or so. She is definitely happiest on her own, with no demands on her time.

We had a nanny as a kid and she handled a lot of the social events. I just thought it was bc my Mom was busy with work, but looking back it was probably also bc she didn't like having to chat with the other parents and deal with groups of kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. I’d encourage you to talk to a therapist just to come up with strategies. Our US system of child rearing doesn’t help. In many other cultures, having multiple households and/or generations living together helps alleviate the stress. Many of my cousins loved basically nannying their nieces and nephews. We are so nuclear-family oriented that there can be drawbacks (obviously varies based on individuals and the family dynamics). Wealthy people have the resources for endless sitters, boarding schools, etc. Thats just a different reality.

Parenting can be a slog sometimes but hopefully you love your children and can hold on to the positives.

What positives? I really feel like there literally are none.

Do you love your children?

Sometimes. Not worth it.

I'm getting the sense from your responses that you view love as transactional. But most people would say that relationships are transformational . . . the act of loving makes us happier (because creating joy in others creates joy in ourselves -- we are all connected). It's not just about receiving love.

It sounds like the part of you capable of caring for others for their own sake was never developed or hidden away to protect yourself in childhood.

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one getting troll vibes from this whole thread?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And this, folks, is Exhibit A why abortion and birth control should be legal.

Yep.

Presumably OP had access to birth control (maybe not?) But was pressured by a spouse and maybe also society ("it will be different when they're your own" "who will take care of you when you're old?!") The real solution is more honesty about the realities of raising children, and more support for those who do not want to have kids (I am childfree and stuck to my guns, but into my late 30s people still pestered me and told me I would change my mind or regret my decision.

Sorry OP - I feel you. But take serious note about the points above regarding your children internalizing your feelings no matter how much you try to hide them. It's real and it sucks, and your kids will distance themselves from you as soon as they are able and you won't be able to enjoy them as adults (as others have proposed) because they will want nothing to do with you. Good luck, sincerely.

Frankly, I would be fine if they had nothing to do with me because I don’t want grandchildren.

DP.. I don't care if I have grandchildren or not. I was not even that keen on having kids, but you sound really miserable. I don't think a woman *must* have kids, but your phrasing makes you sound like a truly miserable person.

Is there anyone in your life that you love and have a great relationship with? Do you think your kids know you don't like them?

Are you in therapy? You sound like you could benefit from it.

I’ve been miserable since making the life altering mistake of getting married, which I really did not want to do.
I have some friends. I have a good relationship with a sibling. That is it. My parents are awful people and kids ensure that I have to continue seeing them unfortunately. If I didn’t have kids, I would not see them at all. Another obligation I have to do because I have kids.

Oh my gosh OP Please please please get to therapy. There is SO MUCH to unpack here. You are right that therapy will not change your circumstances, but it might change YOU, if you allow it. Your outlook is so negative and bleak. I am not trying to be mean but also don't want to sugarcoat it. You seem like a very direct person. I am sorry your parents are awful people. There is a lot you are projecting onto your kids. For example, describing the fact that you are obliged to see you parents because of your kids. I am not a therapist but there is a lot of dysfunction here. It sounds to me like there is a generational pattern/trauma of external and internalized hatred.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And this, folks, is Exhibit A why abortion and birth control should be legal.

Yep.

Presumably OP had access to birth control (maybe not?) But was pressured by a spouse and maybe also society ("it will be different when they're your own" "who will take care of you when you're old?!") The real solution is more honesty about the realities of raising children, and more support for those who do not want to have kids (I am childfree and stuck to my guns, but into my late 30s people still pestered me and told me I would change my mind or regret my decision.

Sorry OP - I feel you. But take serious note about the points above regarding your children internalizing your feelings no matter how much you try to hide them. It's real and it sucks, and your kids will distance themselves from you as soon as they are able and you won't be able to enjoy them as adults (as others have proposed) because they will want nothing to do with you. Good luck, sincerely.

Frankly, I would be fine if they had nothing to do with me because I don’t want grandchildren.

DP.. I don't care if I have grandchildren or not. I was not even that keen on having kids, but you sound really miserable. I don't think a woman *must* have kids, but your phrasing makes you sound like a truly miserable person.

Is there anyone in your life that you love and have a great relationship with? Do you think your kids know you don't like them?

Are you in therapy? You sound like you could benefit from it.

I’ve been miserable since making the life altering mistake of getting married, which I really did not want to do.
I have some friends. I have a good relationship with a sibling. That is it. My parents are awful people and kids ensure that I have to continue seeing them unfortunately. If I didn’t have kids, I would not see them at all. Another obligation I have to do because I have kids.

No, that is a choice you are making. Not something you have to do.

[Anonymous]

OP - if work is the only thing you actually enjoy, what do you enjoy about it? The sense of accomplishment, routine? Something else? Do you enjoy any human relationships? Hobbies? It sounds like your unhappiness goes deeper than disliking parenting.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you take a day off from work and live kids with baby sitter and do fun things like a spa date?
maybe, hire a nanny so that would make it less overwhelming..
or can family watch your kids while you get so "me time"?
you just need a break from them from time to time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, to continue the metaphor. One would say you push the distaste of cleaning the toilet to the back of your mind in order to enjoy the clean bathroom the rest of the time. If you never cleaned the toilet seat, the bathroom would be disgusting. There is a trade off. It sounds like you find no joy in the clean bathroom here (if the clean bathroom is, 'relationship with your children'). If you did, I'd say focus on the positives because dwelling in this bitterness will do nothing to change your situation and only cause your life to be worse.

I have to pretend. I do that but I hate it. They’re literally are no positives. I posted because I’m hoping I will not feel this way when they are adults but I know I will continue to feel this way as long as they are living in my house.

Honestly you should go and see a therapist. It is not normal to dislike your entire life and be able to find no positives in it. Even if you have real reasonable reasons for being unhappy about how you got there. You have kids, that is your life, humans adapt and find the good in their situations. If you are unable to do that, I would believe you probably are depressed and could be helped by therapy and medication.

It is not your kid's fault or parenting generally that you are miserable. Misery like you are describing is a choice. I hate working in an office job but it is how I keep a roof over my head so I find the good and focus on that. Life is about finding the good. And an inability to find the good isn't a problem with life, it is a problem with you.

I’m not depressed; this is actually how I feel. Both of my grandmother‘s were exactly the same.

NP. You do not need to be depressed to get therapy. Therapy isn't some fix for brokenness but a tool to increase self awareness and processing which may in turn heal issues if there are any.

OP, even the way you respond to people in this chain is void of emotive expression. It makes me think there could be a lack of empathy in general. Does that resonate? Also, how did your grandmothers disliking parenting impact your own parents and your own experience as a child?

I think there is more going on here. To be fair I don't understand how you feel. I don't particularly enjoy much of parenting myself but it is a joy to get to know my child and bear witness to their evolution and growth. It is also joyful to observe how much joy she gives to her aunts, uncles, grandparents etc...

I'm not really sure what is going on here but kids also become adults one day. Saying you don't like kids is such a huge blanket statement like "I don't like men", "I don't like old people". It just seems peculiar. I believe that you don't like them but it could be good to understand for yourself, if you don't already, what exactly it is that you don't like about them and how you came to this conclusion.

I certainly don't like all kids, or people for that matter, but that's very different than saying "I don't like women period" or "I don't like kids period".

Anyway I wish you the best and some joy in your life too. I'm sorry you are in this position you disdain so much. I believe it can change for you, or I have hope.

I don’t lack empathy. I am actually over empathetic to my own detriment. What you bolded does not make sense to me…I understand how you and others might find joy in that—I simply do not. That does nothing for me. Also, I have never liked kids generally. I did not play with dolls or ever fantasize about getting married like other women seem to. I do not lack the capacity for love either…I have been in love twice. I do not like having kids. I do not find it “rewarding” or any such nonsense. It is time consuming and costly without any benefit…to me personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. I’d encourage you to talk to a therapist just to come up with strategies. Our US system of child rearing doesn’t help. In many other cultures, having multiple households and/or generations living together helps alleviate the stress. Many of my cousins loved basically nannying their nieces and nephews. We are so nuclear-family oriented that there can be drawbacks (obviously varies based on individuals and the family dynamics). Wealthy people have the resources for endless sitters, boarding schools, etc. Thats just a different reality.

Parenting can be a slog sometimes but hopefully you love your children and can hold on to the positives.

What positives? I really feel like there literally are none.

This in and of itself is a YOU problem. Seeing positive and negative is on the individual. It is YOUR perspective, not theirs.

Your kids are not inherently problematic or negative. You SEE them, or as you say, you "feel" them that way.

I am not trying to say you should enjoy them or enjoy being a parent, and certainly not all the time. That is impossible. But the fact that you cannot see a single positive or enjoy a single moment with them is a red flag that you are a part of your own problem here. I am not trying to blame you, but instead saying that if you took responsibility for your role in it... including your own suffering, you could shift that. As long as it is ALL externalized you give all the power and blame on the kids and you render yourself disempowered and unable to ,make change. This is self-victimization. Again, all stuff you could potentially unpack in talk therapy or some other type of medium.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one getting troll vibes from this whole thread?

This is actually my life. Not a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. I’d encourage you to talk to a therapist just to come up with strategies. Our US system of child rearing doesn’t help. In many other cultures, having multiple households and/or generations living together helps alleviate the stress. Many of my cousins loved basically nannying their nieces and nephews. We are so nuclear-family oriented that there can be drawbacks (obviously varies based on individuals and the family dynamics). Wealthy people have the resources for endless sitters, boarding schools, etc. Thats just a different reality.

Parenting can be a slog sometimes but hopefully you love your children and can hold on to the positives.

What positives? I really feel like there literally are none.

Love in and of itself is a huge positive. Having the opportunity to love and be loved is a great blessing.

OP, do you think you held yourself back from bonding with the kids because of not wanting them? Or do you think you struggle with the capacity to care for others in general?

I am an extremely introverted person and I don’t like groups of any kind. I don’t like dealing with families; I don’t like dealing with groups of friends; I don’t like dealing with church; I don’t like dealing with any types of celebrations or anything and I’ve been like this my whole life. I like working… and that’s it. Don’t like being around groups of people. Being around people exhaust me. It’s the endless need to do all these things with kids that really gets to me. Cool Play dates, the parties, the stupid graduation things— I don’t wanna do any of that. I didn’t wanna do it myself and now I have to repeat it. Can’t stand it.

You seem to think your ex is a terrible parent, but surely he could handle some of the birthday parties and other social events so you don't have to go? Or you could hire a nanny who can handle them?

I think my Mom is a bit like you in the sense that she is very introverted. If it was up to her, I think she would live alone in the country and only see other people every couple of weeks or so. She is definitely happiest on her own, with no demands on her time.

We had a nanny as a kid and she handled a lot of the social events. I just thought it was bc my Mom was busy with work, but looking back it was probably also bc she didn't like having to chat with the other parents and deal with groups of kids.

He is less interested in social events than I am. My kids are too old for a nanny. We rarely do social events but even those I can’t stand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one getting troll vibes from this whole thread?

This is actually my life. Not a troll.

Ok, then go to therapy OP.

You've gotten that advice from multiple responders.

If you choose not to because _____(fill in the blank - who cares what the reason is. You either prioritize the reason or prioritize hope and giving it a shot)____, then that is on you. Then you did not actually come here for advice but to be "right" about how stuck and bleak your life is.

You sound absolutely miserable and like you said, you are. If you really want things to be different then do something different that people are saying will help! You've got nothing to lose but your pride if it helps!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. I’d encourage you to talk to a therapist just to come up with strategies. Our US system of child rearing doesn’t help. In many other cultures, having multiple households and/or generations living together helps alleviate the stress. Many of my cousins loved basically nannying their nieces and nephews. We are so nuclear-family oriented that there can be drawbacks (obviously varies based on individuals and the family dynamics). Wealthy people have the resources for endless sitters, boarding schools, etc. Thats just a different reality.

Parenting can be a slog sometimes but hopefully you love your children and can hold on to the positives.

What positives? I really feel like there literally are none.

Love in and of itself is a huge positive. Having the opportunity to love and be loved is a great blessing.

OP, do you think you held yourself back from bonding with the kids because of not wanting them? Or do you think you struggle with the capacity to care for others in general?

I am an extremely introverted person and I don’t like groups of any kind. I don’t like dealing with families; I don’t like dealing with groups of friends; I don’t like dealing with church; I don’t like dealing with any types of celebrations or anything and I’ve been like this my whole life. I like working… and that’s it. Don’t like being around groups of people. Being around people exhaust me. It’s the endless need to do all these things with kids that really gets to me. Cool Play dates, the parties, the stupid graduation things— I don’t wanna do any of that. I didn’t wanna do it myself and now I have to repeat it. Can’t stand it.

You seem to think your ex is a terrible parent, but surely he could handle some of the birthday parties and other social events so you don't have to go? Or you could hire a nanny who can handle them?

I think my Mom is a bit like you in the sense that she is very introverted. If it was up to her, I think she would live alone in the country and only see other people every couple of weeks or so. She is definitely happiest on her own, with no demands on her time.

We had a nanny as a kid and she handled a lot of the social events. I just thought it was bc my Mom was busy with work, but looking back it was probably also bc she didn't like having to chat with the other parents and deal with groups of kids.

He is less interested in social events than I am. My kids are too old for a nanny. We rarely do social events but even those I can’t stand.

Well when they are adults they will be old enough to go to events without you!

[Anonymous]

a teenage babysitter? that would be fun for them and give you a break!