Almost done with freshman year! And lessons learned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some of the people crying helicopter don't have kids.

Also, agree with the poster who said the novelty wears off of being so independent. In fact, I've seen time and time again where students with those 'hands off' parents end up relying on their friends' parents for advice and support and help. If you're proud to be that parent that's MIA while your kid bonds with/relies on another adult your age, good for you....I question your values and mental health.

Why can't you understand that there's middle ground? You can raise independent kids with love and compassion, without going MIA. It's not one or the other.

My point is that if you read the OP, and you find that to be helicopter-y, I'd hate to see what your definition of independent is. That's all.

+1 apparently the PP's calling the thread OP a helicopter parent didn't actually READ the original post. There is NOTHING in there that is helicoptering, just some times and things to keep in mind as a parent.

Handling their housing, talking to them about drinking--after they have left for college. And frankly, just having so much knowledge about their day to day lives. That's helicoptering.

Nowhere does it say the OP "handled their housing". It simply says to ignore all the other parents who may say, oh don[t worry about housing until spring. In a large state school. it does need to be handled. It does not anywhere say that the OP handled anything for their kid, just giving parents a heads up that thats the timeframe it will need to happen.

"Talking to them about drinking" That's helicoptering? okay. Well if that is what it's called, I hope more people do it more often. Alot of kids at my DC's school ended up in the ER in the first few months of school from overindulging, so to speak. Mine did not. Guess sometimes helicoptering is the right thing to do?

Why does OP need to have ANY involvement in a kid’s housing? I don’t think my parents knew a darn thing about the timeframe in which we needed to get housing taken care of. We all just did it on our own.

In terms of drinking: That’s a conversation that needs to happen well before your kid goes off to college. By that time, they’re either going to know how to be responsible or not.

This is OP, back to join the fun that I unintentionally started hahah. The reason I mentioned housing is because the parent is paying for it. If it was an on campus apartment, yea I would not expect to be consulted, advised or even informed of the timing or plans unless I asked. But we are talking about off campus apartments. The first order of business needed to be a discussion with the kid to set the budget, and then I did also review the lease. Otherwise, my DS and his roommates did it all. They found the apartments, met the realtors, made a decision and asked me for the security deposit. I mentioned it only because coming from a SLAC myself, I had no idea that happened so quickly into the freshman year.

With regard to drinking, obviously as they were being dropped off to college was not the first or last discussion I had ever had about drinking. I simply imparted those words as I left.

Well then you needed to be clear about that. A lot of schools guarantee 4 years of housing — especially big state schools.

Just the opposite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some of the people crying helicopter don't have kids.

Also, agree with the poster who said the novelty wears off of being so independent. In fact, I've seen time and time again where students with those 'hands off' parents end up relying on their friends' parents for advice and support and help. If you're proud to be that parent that's MIA while your kid bonds with/relies on another adult your age, good for you....I question your values and mental health.

Why can't you understand that there's middle ground? You can raise independent kids with love and compassion, without going MIA. It's not one or the other.

My point is that if you read the OP, and you find that to be helicopter-y, I'd hate to see what your definition of independent is. That's all.

+1 apparently the PP's calling the thread OP a helicopter parent didn't actually READ the original post. There is NOTHING in there that is helicoptering, just some times and things to keep in mind as a parent.

Handling their housing, talking to them about drinking--after they have left for college. And frankly, just having so much knowledge about their day to day lives. That's helicoptering.

Nowhere does it say the OP "handled their housing". It simply says to ignore all the other parents who may say, oh don[t worry about housing until spring. In a large state school. it does need to be handled. It does not anywhere say that the OP handled anything for their kid, just giving parents a heads up that thats the timeframe it will need to happen.

"Talking to them about drinking" That's helicoptering? okay. Well if that is what it's called, I hope more people do it more often. Alot of kids at my DC's school ended up in the ER in the first few months of school from overindulging, so to speak. Mine did not. Guess sometimes helicoptering is the right thing to do?

Why does OP need to have ANY involvement in a kid’s housing? I don’t think my parents knew a darn thing about the timeframe in which we needed to get housing taken care of. We all just did it on our own.

In terms of drinking: That’s a conversation that needs to happen well before your kid goes off to college. By that time, they’re either going to know how to be responsible or not.

At DC’s school, there is such a wide variety of housing for upperclassmen … dorms, apartments, 2 person, 3 person, 4 person, 6 person, 8 person, singles and on and on…. And the price differential… upwards of $2500 PER SEMESTER on Rooming alone and another $1500 PER SEMESTER on Food Plan… merits a conversation PP. Stop being incredulous and judgy when you have a personal N of 1 to compare things to.

Then give the kid a budget and let them handle the rest of it.

Ah! That’s it! GENIUS! a budget! That will handle everything — including consideration of 529 withdrawals and distributions, the consideration of what is covered by the 529 (on campus room and board), not covered by the 529 (off campus groceries), other considerations (what about parking?)……. No definitely, you’ve nailed it PP. I’ll forego the conversations with my kid, and I’ll just hand them 10K. THANK YOU for the insightful advice!

Obviously all of those considerations go into the determination of the budget. But you knew that.

Wha’t obviously is NOT OBVIOUS to you is that while in your simplistic world, the only answer is A…. In a housing lottery there is a Plan A, Option B, and Last Resort C… all of which have different cost implications……The biggest tell in all this, You OBVIOUSLY don’t have a kid in undergrad right now, or YOU would know this. But sit on your perch in the cheap seats. You’re looking good over there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

Are you kidding? This is the total opposite of a helicopter. I am a helicopter. My kids would not for one second be without a full stock of vitamins and meds, housing secured for the following year, and the fear of god in them for not getting strong grades.

I applaud OP because I think she is doing many things that will foster independence in her children. I can certainly learn from her.

My parents taught me to value grades well before I started college. I dealt with figuring out housing. I *think* I might have generally told them what I ended up getting each semester, but I honestly don’t remember for sure.

Basically, they helped me move in freshman year, visited me occasionally, and that was about it.

The whole idea is to prepare your kid for college beforehand, so that they can be independent when they go. They’re adults.

Np Some people mature later than others or have disabilities OR need more support than you did. If you can't understand this ask yourself why it bothers you so much when it doesn't affect your life at all. Judge not or you will be judged yourself.

DP. When excessive hand-holding into early adulthood becomes the norm, it does affect us all, and I think that’s why so many get particularly bent out of shape about this kind of stuff.

[Anonymous]

My kid ended up living in a double freshman dorm until senior year with a random roommate each time. Extremely shy child and we nor they had any interest in navigating leases.

[Anonymous]

Not helicoptering! I needed guidance from my parents into my 30s/40s. They are smart with valuable experience and totally on my side. I trust them.

Just because a person is in college doesn’t mean they don’t need a trusted adult to help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

Are you kidding? This is the total opposite of a helicopter. I am a helicopter. My kids would not for one second be without a full stock of vitamins and meds, housing secured for the following year, and the fear of god in them for not getting strong grades.

I applaud OP because I think she is doing many things that will foster independence in her children. I can certainly learn from her.

My parents taught me to value grades well before I started college. I dealt with figuring out housing. I *think* I might have generally told them what I ended up getting each semester, but I honestly don’t remember for sure.

Basically, they helped me move in freshman year, visited me occasionally, and that was about it.

The whole idea is to prepare your kid for college beforehand, so that they can be independent when they go. They’re adults.

Np Some people mature later than others or have disabilities OR need more support than you did. If you can't understand this ask yourself why it bothers you so much when it doesn't affect your life at all. Judge not or you will be judged yourself.

DP. When excessive hand-holding into early adulthood becomes the norm, it does affect us all, and I think that’s why so many get particularly bent out of shape about this kind of stuff.

It 100 percent impacts all of us because your kids start to work for us and guess what, they are terrible employees! Because they can't figure anything out and think they are super special.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

Are you kidding? This is the total opposite of a helicopter. I am a helicopter. My kids would not for one second be without a full stock of vitamins and meds, housing secured for the following year, and the fear of god in them for not getting strong grades.

I applaud OP because I think she is doing many things that will foster independence in her children. I can certainly learn from her.

My parents taught me to value grades well before I started college. I dealt with figuring out housing. I *think* I might have generally told them what I ended up getting each semester, but I honestly don’t remember for sure.

Basically, they helped me move in freshman year, visited me occasionally, and that was about it.

The whole idea is to prepare your kid for college beforehand, so that they can be independent when they go. They’re adults.

Np Some people mature later than others or have disabilities OR need more support than you did. If you can't understand this ask yourself why it bothers you so much when it doesn't affect your life at all. Judge not or you will be judged yourself.

DP. When excessive hand-holding into early adulthood becomes the norm, it does affect us all, and I think that’s why so many get particularly bent out of shape about this kind of stuff.

It 100 percent impacts all of us because your kids start to work for us and guess what, they are terrible employees! Because they can't figure anything out and think they are super special.

Yes and you were a perfect employee!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

Are you kidding? This is the total opposite of a helicopter. I am a helicopter. My kids would not for one second be without a full stock of vitamins and meds, housing secured for the following year, and the fear of god in them for not getting strong grades.

I applaud OP because I think she is doing many things that will foster independence in her children. I can certainly learn from her.

My parents taught me to value grades well before I started college. I dealt with figuring out housing. I *think* I might have generally told them what I ended up getting each semester, but I honestly don’t remember for sure.

Basically, they helped me move in freshman year, visited me occasionally, and that was about it.

The whole idea is to prepare your kid for college beforehand, so that they can be independent when they go. They’re adults.

Np Some people mature later than others or have disabilities OR need more support than you did. If you can't understand this ask yourself why it bothers you so much when it doesn't affect your life at all. Judge not or you will be judged yourself.

DP. When excessive hand-holding into early adulthood becomes the norm, it does affect us all, and I think that’s why so many get particularly bent out of shape about this kind of stuff.

It 100 percent impacts all of us because your kids start to work for us and guess what, they are terrible employees! Because they can't figure anything out and think they are super special.

Exactly.

And lest you think “oh the kids are fine,” they are not. My sister is a professor and constantly talks about how the undergrads can’t figure out how to operate responsibly and appropriately. Just a few examples:

- 98% of them just do not read the syllabus, and therefore are constantly asking questions that would be easy to answer if they just read it

- they virtually all expect extensions on their assignments

- a kid asked her today what she did over the weekend. She said, “I worked on my book.” Kid: You’re writing a book? What is it about? Sister: (named research topic) Kid: Sounds boring.

- several kids have asked for her cell number, so they can text her questions

This is at an R1 university. Teach your kids how to act in an appropriate manner; otherwise, they’ll make fools of themselves in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

Are you kidding? This is the total opposite of a helicopter. I am a helicopter. My kids would not for one second be without a full stock of vitamins and meds, housing secured for the following year, and the fear of god in them for not getting strong grades.

I applaud OP because I think she is doing many things that will foster independence in her children. I can certainly learn from her.

My parents taught me to value grades well before I started college. I dealt with figuring out housing. I *think* I might have generally told them what I ended up getting each semester, but I honestly don’t remember for sure.

Basically, they helped me move in freshman year, visited me occasionally, and that was about it.

The whole idea is to prepare your kid for college beforehand, so that they can be independent when they go. They’re adults.

Np Some people mature later than others or have disabilities OR need more support than you did. If you can't understand this ask yourself why it bothers you so much when it doesn't affect your life at all. Judge not or you will be judged yourself.

DP. When excessive hand-holding into early adulthood becomes the norm, it does affect us all, and I think that’s why so many get particularly bent out of shape about this kind of stuff.

It 100 percent impacts all of us because your kids start to work for us and guess what, they are terrible employees! Because they can't figure anything out and think they are super special.

Exactly.

And lest you think “oh the kids are fine,” they are not. My sister is a professor and constantly talks about how the undergrads can’t figure out how to operate responsibly and appropriately. Just a few examples:

- 98% of them just do not read the syllabus, and therefore are constantly asking questions that would be easy to answer if they just read it

- they virtually all expect extensions on their assignments

- a kid asked her today what she did over the weekend. She said, “I worked on my book.” Kid: You’re writing a book? What is it about? Sister: (named research topic) Kid: Sounds boring.

- several kids have asked for her cell number, so they can text her questions

This is at an R1 university. Teach your kids how to act in an appropriate manner; otherwise, they’ll make fools of themselves in college.

Tell her to discipline them and grow a backbone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

Are you kidding? This is the total opposite of a helicopter. I am a helicopter. My kids would not for one second be without a full stock of vitamins and meds, housing secured for the following year, and the fear of god in them for not getting strong grades.

I applaud OP because I think she is doing many things that will foster independence in her children. I can certainly learn from her.

My parents taught me to value grades well before I started college. I dealt with figuring out housing. I *think* I might have generally told them what I ended up getting each semester, but I honestly don’t remember for sure.

Basically, they helped me move in freshman year, visited me occasionally, and that was about it.

The whole idea is to prepare your kid for college beforehand, so that they can be independent when they go. They’re adults.

Np Some people mature later than others or have disabilities OR need more support than you did. If you can't understand this ask yourself why it bothers you so much when it doesn't affect your life at all. Judge not or you will be judged yourself.

DP. When excessive hand-holding into early adulthood becomes the norm, it does affect us all, and I think that’s why so many get particularly bent out of shape about this kind of stuff.

It 100 percent impacts all of us because your kids start to work for us and guess what, they are terrible employees! Because they can't figure anything out and think they are super special.

Exactly.

And lest you think “oh the kids are fine,” they are not. My sister is a professor and constantly talks about how the undergrads can’t figure out how to operate responsibly and appropriately. Just a few examples:

- 98% of them just do not read the syllabus, and therefore are constantly asking questions that would be easy to answer if they just read it

- they virtually all expect extensions on their assignments

- a kid asked her today what she did over the weekend. She said, “I worked on my book.” Kid: You’re writing a book? What is it about? Sister: (named research topic) Kid: Sounds boring.

- several kids have asked for her cell number, so they can text her questions

This is at an R1 university. Teach your kids how to act in an appropriate manner; otherwise, they’ll make fools of themselves in college.

Tell her to discipline them and grow a backbone.

Discipline them how? Deduct points for being jerks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

Are you kidding? This is the total opposite of a helicopter. I am a helicopter. My kids would not for one second be without a full stock of vitamins and meds, housing secured for the following year, and the fear of god in them for not getting strong grades.

I applaud OP because I think she is doing many things that will foster independence in her children. I can certainly learn from her.

My parents taught me to value grades well before I started college. I dealt with figuring out housing. I *think* I might have generally told them what I ended up getting each semester, but I honestly don’t remember for sure.

Basically, they helped me move in freshman year, visited me occasionally, and that was about it.

The whole idea is to prepare your kid for college beforehand, so that they can be independent when they go. They’re adults.

Np Some people mature later than others or have disabilities OR need more support than you did. If you can't understand this ask yourself why it bothers you so much when it doesn't affect your life at all. Judge not or you will be judged yourself.

DP. When excessive hand-holding into early adulthood becomes the norm, it does affect us all, and I think that’s why so many get particularly bent out of shape about this kind of stuff.

It 100 percent impacts all of us because your kids start to work for us and guess what, they are terrible employees! Because they can't figure anything out and think they are super special.

Exactly.

And lest you think “oh the kids are fine,” they are not. My sister is a professor and constantly talks about how the undergrads can’t figure out how to operate responsibly and appropriately. Just a few examples:

- 98% of them just do not read the syllabus, and therefore are constantly asking questions that would be easy to answer if they just read it

- they virtually all expect extensions on their assignments

- a kid asked her today what she did over the weekend. She said, “I worked on my book.” Kid: You’re writing a book? What is it about? Sister: (named research topic) Kid: Sounds boring.

- several kids have asked for her cell number, so they can text her questions

This is at an R1 university. Teach your kids how to act in an appropriate manner; otherwise, they’ll make fools of themselves in college.

This has been the case for eternity, re: ''kids these days are lazy''

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

Are you kidding? This is the total opposite of a helicopter. I am a helicopter. My kids would not for one second be without a full stock of vitamins and meds, housing secured for the following year, and the fear of god in them for not getting strong grades.

I applaud OP because I think she is doing many things that will foster independence in her children. I can certainly learn from her.

My parents taught me to value grades well before I started college. I dealt with figuring out housing. I *think* I might have generally told them what I ended up getting each semester, but I honestly don’t remember for sure.

Basically, they helped me move in freshman year, visited me occasionally, and that was about it.

The whole idea is to prepare your kid for college beforehand, so that they can be independent when they go. They’re adults.

Np Some people mature later than others or have disabilities OR need more support than you did. If you can't understand this ask yourself why it bothers you so much when it doesn't affect your life at all. Judge not or you will be judged yourself.

DP. When excessive hand-holding into early adulthood becomes the norm, it does affect us all, and I think that’s why so many get particularly bent out of shape about this kind of stuff.

It 100 percent impacts all of us because your kids start to work for us and guess what, they are terrible employees! Because they can't figure anything out and think they are super special.

Exactly.

And lest you think “oh the kids are fine,” they are not. My sister is a professor and constantly talks about how the undergrads can’t figure out how to operate responsibly and appropriately. Just a few examples:

- 98% of them just do not read the syllabus, and therefore are constantly asking questions that would be easy to answer if they just read it

- they virtually all expect extensions on their assignments

- a kid asked her today what she did over the weekend. She said, “I worked on my book.” Kid: You’re writing a book? What is it about? Sister: (named research topic) Kid: Sounds boring.

- several kids have asked for her cell number, so they can text her questions

This is at an R1 university. Teach your kids how to act in an appropriate manner; otherwise, they’ll make fools of themselves in college.

This has been the case for eternity, re: ''kids these days are lazy''

I can’t remember kids being this rude, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

Are you kidding? This is the total opposite of a helicopter. I am a helicopter. My kids would not for one second be without a full stock of vitamins and meds, housing secured for the following year, and the fear of god in them for not getting strong grades.

I applaud OP because I think she is doing many things that will foster independence in her children. I can certainly learn from her.

My parents taught me to value grades well before I started college. I dealt with figuring out housing. I *think* I might have generally told them what I ended up getting each semester, but I honestly don’t remember for sure.

Basically, they helped me move in freshman year, visited me occasionally, and that was about it.

The whole idea is to prepare your kid for college beforehand, so that they can be independent when they go. They’re adults.

Np Some people mature later than others or have disabilities OR need more support than you did. If you can't understand this ask yourself why it bothers you so much when it doesn't affect your life at all. Judge not or you will be judged yourself.

DP. When excessive hand-holding into early adulthood becomes the norm, it does affect us all, and I think that’s why so many get particularly bent out of shape about this kind of stuff.

It 100 percent impacts all of us because your kids start to work for us and guess what, they are terrible employees! Because they can't figure anything out and think they are super special.

Exactly.

And lest you think “oh the kids are fine,” they are not. My sister is a professor and constantly talks about how the undergrads can’t figure out how to operate responsibly and appropriately. Just a few examples:

- 98% of them just do not read the syllabus, and therefore are constantly asking questions that would be easy to answer if they just read it

- they virtually all expect extensions on their assignments

- a kid asked her today what she did over the weekend. She said, “I worked on my book.” Kid: You’re writing a book? What is it about? Sister: (named research topic) Kid: Sounds boring.

- several kids have asked for her cell number, so they can text her questions

This is at an R1 university. Teach your kids how to act in an appropriate manner; otherwise, they’ll make fools of themselves in college.

Tell her to discipline them and grow a backbone.

Discipline them how? Deduct points for being jerks?

Yes. And also tell them no to having her number, no to extensions etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Helicopter parent alert.

Are you kidding? This is the total opposite of a helicopter. I am a helicopter. My kids would not for one second be without a full stock of vitamins and meds, housing secured for the following year, and the fear of god in them for not getting strong grades.

I applaud OP because I think she is doing many things that will foster independence in her children. I can certainly learn from her.

My parents taught me to value grades well before I started college. I dealt with figuring out housing. I *think* I might have generally told them what I ended up getting each semester, but I honestly don’t remember for sure.

Basically, they helped me move in freshman year, visited me occasionally, and that was about it.

The whole idea is to prepare your kid for college beforehand, so that they can be independent when they go. They’re adults.

Np Some people mature later than others or have disabilities OR need more support than you did. If you can't understand this ask yourself why it bothers you so much when it doesn't affect your life at all. Judge not or you will be judged yourself.

DP. When excessive hand-holding into early adulthood becomes the norm, it does affect us all, and I think that’s why so many get particularly bent out of shape about this kind of stuff.

It 100 percent impacts all of us because your kids start to work for us and guess what, they are terrible employees! Because they can't figure anything out and think they are super special.

Exactly.

And lest you think “oh the kids are fine,” they are not. My sister is a professor and constantly talks about how the undergrads can’t figure out how to operate responsibly and appropriately. Just a few examples:

- 98% of them just do not read the syllabus, and therefore are constantly asking questions that would be easy to answer if they just read it

- they virtually all expect extensions on their assignments

- a kid asked her today what she did over the weekend. She said, “I worked on my book.” Kid: You’re writing a book? What is it about? Sister: (named research topic) Kid: Sounds boring.

- several kids have asked for her cell number, so they can text her questions

This is at an R1 university. Teach your kids how to act in an appropriate manner; otherwise, they’ll make fools of themselves in college.

This has been the case for eternity, re: ''kids these days are lazy''

I can’t remember kids being this rude, though.

“Children; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. They no longer rise when elders enter the room, they contradict their parents and tyrannize their teachers. Children are now tyrants.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not helicoptering! I needed guidance from my parents into my 30s/40s. They are smart with valuable experience and totally on my side. I trust them.

Just because a person is in college doesn’t mean they don’t need a trusted adult to help!

And, yet, those of us who by birth lottery didn't have parents who could offer guidance or support are also doing fine (and did fine in college).

I've been following this thread and am annoyed that OP was one of those parents who ignored other parent's pleas to not go ahead with housing in the fall. Our big state school town has a new ordinance that kids can't sign a lease that early, but so many parents breaking it that slumlords carry on. It's a total scarcity mindset, even though seasoned parents say their kids have found housing late spring and even summer for start of school.