Wife backing out on having kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think most woman still want to have children with a decent husband. OP should have no problem finding one of them.

OP doesn’t sound especially decent, which may be why his wife has had a change of heart on this. If she thinks he’ll expect her to sacrifice a career she’s worked hard for because he doesn’t pull his weight, she may prefer to remain childless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure it's a good sign you are arguing about this to the point of sleeping in different rooms when you discuss it.

I think it's fair to ask for a timeline from her. Not a "let's discuss in 6 months" thing. But when she reasonably thinks this would fit into your (her?) lives.

But the intensity of this discussion feels like it's gotten too big. I'd suggest a neutral 3rd party, aka: therapist.

And it may be time to start contemplating what you want your life to look like if she decides she does not want children. Do you stay? Do you go?

Therapy can go on for years. In your case OP, therapy would only serve your wife’s goal here: delay long enough until biology prevents you from being a dad.

Divorce your wife if you are serious about becoming a dad. Your current wife’s actions have been crystal clear on her intentions. She will not change, sorry.

Time for you act.

He's 33. I don't know if you know this, but men can often have children WELL into their 40s. And 50s. And 60s. I think he has plenty of time to work this out with his wife. But yes, part of that needs to be deciding if he will stay with her if she does NOT want any children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take it to couples therapy and get the truth.

Hello. She does not want a child. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure it's a good sign you are arguing about this to the point of sleeping in different rooms when you discuss it.

I think it's fair to ask for a timeline from her. Not a "let's discuss in 6 months" thing. But when she reasonably thinks this would fit into your (her?) lives.

But the intensity of this discussion feels like it's gotten too big. I'd suggest a neutral 3rd party, aka: therapist.

And it may be time to start contemplating what you want your life to look like if she decides she does not want children. Do you stay? Do you go?

Therapy can go on for years. In your case OP, therapy would only serve your wife’s goal here: delay long enough until biology prevents you from being a dad.

Divorce your wife if you are serious about becoming a dad. Your current wife’s actions have been crystal clear on her intentions. She will not change, sorry.

Time for you act.

He's 33. I don't know if you know this, but men can often have children WELL into their 40s. And 50s. And 60s. I think he has plenty of time to work this out with his wife. But yes, part of that needs to be deciding if he will stay with her if she does NOT want any children.

Why should he wait around to work it out with her? She doesn't want kids, he does time to move on and stop wasting each other's time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are both 33. Agreement before marriage was at least one child and planned to start trying at 30. I’m a CRNA with an option (and expressed willingness) to take on reduced hours. Her parents are in the area and would be over the moon to help. I’ve always been attracted to how career oriented she is but now it’s just plain frustrating. I’m on the hook because she’s not saying she doesn’t want children, just not now. We both know we don’t have much more time. Last time I brought it up, it ended in a huge argument and she ended up sleeping in one of the guest rooms for a few days. Her solution was freezing her eggs and revisiting this topic again later. That’s not a solution to me. That’s prolonging the current cycle that I’ve been in for 2 years. We honestly don’t argue much at all but this topic shuts her down completely.

I was totally with you OP and even posted that I wanted your #. But when she is pregnant with back pain, knee pain, crazy hormones fluctuations and she slips and says something less than perfect are you going to make her sleep across the way again? Take her butt pillow? Father material would offer to take the guest room so she wouldn't be cold/have menstrual pain/etc. BTW normal men buy their wife tampons, fluff her pillows, and warm the bed when she is menstruating and subsequently bring her pillows and food when she is pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she doesn’t want to lose you because she most likely knows not having children is a dealbreaker for you. Definitely not going to be making any babies if she’s sleeping in the guest room. You know what you need to do yet you still haven’t left. My guess is she’s hot, successful, and you'll stay with her despite not being fulfilled because you don’t think you’ll ever find anyone else like her. Same reason why she keeps you on the hook. She doesn’t want to lose you either.

I’m shocked by the posts inciting OP to divorce his wife just because she doesn’t want children. It’s not 1995 Bosnia people. A woman can choose to not have children. Shake my head at some of the misogyny on this thread. Go read the Handmaids Tale before you condemn a woman for not having kids.

She can choose not to have children. He can choose to have them with someone else. She can't control his reproductive choices.

[Anonymous]

You have to get out. Getting out of the marriage, being ready to get remarried, and getting remarried and having kids is a 3-5 year process. Every day that she jerks you around is a day that you lose. She is entitled to change her mind on kids but she owes it to you to be honest. She's not willing to do that because she wants to keep you in the marriage on her terms. Find a lawyer and get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she doesn’t want to lose you because she most likely knows not having children is a dealbreaker for you. Definitely not going to be making any babies if she’s sleeping in the guest room. You know what you need to do yet you still haven’t left. My guess is she’s hot, successful, and you'll stay with her despite not being fulfilled because you don’t think you’ll ever find anyone else like her. Same reason why she keeps you on the hook. She doesn’t want to lose you either.

I’m shocked by the posts inciting OP to divorce his wife just because she doesn’t want children. It’s not 1995 Bosnia people. A woman can choose to not have children. Shake my head at some of the misogyny on this thread. Go read the Handmaids Tale before you condemn a woman for not having kids.

but everyone who wants the chance to have kids should have it. Ive' known many couples who divorced or split of over this issue. It's not misogyny to want children! it's a dealbreaker issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are both 33. Agreement before marriage was at least one child and planned to start trying at 30. I’m a CRNA with an option (and expressed willingness) to take on reduced hours. Her parents are in the area and would be over the moon to help. I’ve always been attracted to how career oriented she is but now it’s just plain frustrating. I’m on the hook because she’s not saying she doesn’t want children, just not now. We both know we don’t have much more time. Last time I brought it up, it ended in a huge argument and she ended up sleeping in one of the guest rooms for a few days. Her solution was freezing her eggs and revisiting this topic again later. That’s not a solution to me. That’s prolonging the current cycle that I’ve been in for 2 years. We honestly don’t argue much at all but this topic shuts her down completely.

I was totally with you OP and even posted that I wanted your #. But when she is pregnant with back pain, knee pain, crazy hormones fluctuations and she slips and says something less than perfect are you going to make her sleep across the way again? Take her butt pillow? Father material would offer to take the guest room so she wouldn't be cold/have menstrual pain/etc. BTW normal men buy their wife tampons, fluff her pillows, and warm the bed when she is menstruating and subsequently bring her pillows and food when she is pregnant.

What is this drivel about tampons and periods?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before you decide that having kids is a dealbreaker, think about how much parenting you plan to do. If it isn’t at least half the work, then you really have no business pressuring her to have a child.

Spot on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you decide that having kids is a dealbreaker, think about how much parenting you plan to do. If it isn’t at least half the work, then you really have no business pressuring her to have a child.

Spot on.

DP. And on that note, consider how your efforts during the pandemic might reflect on what kind of parent you might be. If she’s a physician working in a hospital during the pandemic, I imagine her work load, hours and stress have increased significantly over the past year and a half. Has OP stepped up to take on more work at home accordingly? If not, she may have legitimate concerns about the division of labor after they have a baby.

[Anonymous]

Divorce her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you decide that having kids is a dealbreaker, think about how much parenting you plan to do. If it isn’t at least half the work, then you really have no business pressuring her to have a child.

Spot on.

These responses are a joke, assume the worst about OP, and would never be made if the roles were reversed.

DTMFA

[Anonymous]

I would go to therapy for help in ending the marriage. Ideally, she will participate, but if she refuses, go alone to resolve all issues before starting a new family. Delay will only increase your resentment. She is not a bad person, and neither are you, but this difference seems irreconciliable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she doesn’t want to lose you because she most likely knows not having children is a dealbreaker for you. Definitely not going to be making any babies if she’s sleeping in the guest room. You know what you need to do yet you still haven’t left. My guess is she’s hot, successful, and you'll stay with her despite not being fulfilled because you don’t think you’ll ever find anyone else like her. Same reason why she keeps you on the hook. She doesn’t want to lose you either.

I’m shocked by the posts inciting OP to divorce his wife just because she doesn’t want children. It’s not 1995 Bosnia people. A woman can choose to not have children. Shake my head at some of the misogyny on this thread. Go read the Handmaids Tale before you condemn a woman for not having kids.

but everyone who wants the chance to have kids should have it. Ive' known many couples who divorced or split of over this issue. It's not misogyny to want children! it's a dealbreaker issue.

The real misogyny in this thread are all the women who automatically side with the woman, even when they would have the have the opposite advice if the sexes were reversed in this situation.