Friends who cannot seem to get away - what gives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you turning down invitations to go out at night, consider that if you keep saying no people will stop inviting you. Consider whether you want to maintain the friendship. If you do, try to say yes sometimes. Also keep in mind that as your kids enter elementary they will start having activities that make getting together on weekends very difficult. If you want to see certain friends a Thursday night dinner may be your only option.

I can’t relate at all to people who don’t ever want to go out. This board seems to skew toward homebody/introvert types. I am not out partying every night but a couple times per month is a great way to stay connected with friends. And I have to laugh at the posters saying it’s not fair to their husband to leave them alone with a couple kids. What do you think single parents or military spouses do? Some parents make bedtime out to be some crazy complicated process that requires two people. It really doesn’t when it comes down to it. You are making it that way.

NP. LOL, thanks for the advice.

Here’s something for you to consider: Just because I’m turning down invites *from you* doesn’t mean I’m turning down all the invites. It also doesn’t mean that I’m not inviting other friends to do things. Do you get it? You’re the one I’m willing to see every now and then for a coffee.

I’m not the one who organizes the dinners. I get invited to them and I try to say yes when I can so I can stay connected to those friends. No need to make it about me. I’m not the OP and I don’t have friends who tell me no because I am basically my other friends are more the organizing types. But I see that the moms who say no all the time stop getting included because after a while everyone just expects them to say no.

And no I don’t place my friends in a hierarchy like you describe. That is weird.

I mean...great for you. Why do you assume that the moms who stop getting invited give a flip?

There are tons of posts on DCUM about being lonely, having no friends, asking how to make friends as adults...seems a lot of people DO want friends and WOULD care about not being invited out anymore. But to have a friend you need to be a friend. You can't ignore someone for two (three, four) years, then turn around and be like, "now I'm ready to be friends again!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a standing once-every-other-week wine date with a few other close mom-friends. It's really essential for my sanity.

I leave even if the kids are fussy, the house is a mess, and DH has to cobble together takeout or mac and cheese, because I really need to prioritize that for myself.

I also want to show my kids that I'm more than a mom; I'm a human being with a social life and my own needs as well.

It's also fun for them to have 1:1 time with their dad who admittedly lets them watch TV while having dinner, which I do not.

My kids are young preschool and young elementary.

I don’t think you were insinuating this but some other posters are and it’s silly to pretend that the only way to have an identity beyond ‘mom’ or a social life is to go out to dinner.

+1. Luckily, my friends generally like doing stuff outdoors so weekends work for all of us but you can have an active and fulfilling social life that doesn’t revolve around meeting for dinner. People who like to go for a hike on the weekend with a friend aren’t any less connected than people who prefer to go out to eat or drink. I do think, usually, people naturally bond more with others who share the same interests and that’s ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you turning down invitations to go out at night, consider that if you keep saying no people will stop inviting you. Consider whether you want to maintain the friendship. If you do, try to say yes sometimes. Also keep in mind that as your kids enter elementary they will start having activities that make getting together on weekends very difficult. If you want to see certain friends a Thursday night dinner may be your only option.

I can’t relate at all to people who don’t ever want to go out. This board seems to skew toward homebody/introvert types. I am not out partying every night but a couple times per month is a great way to stay connected with friends. And I have to laugh at the posters saying it’s not fair to their husband to leave them alone with a couple kids. What do you think single parents or military spouses do? Some parents make bedtime out to be some crazy complicated process that requires two people. It really doesn’t when it comes down to it. You are making it that way.

NP. LOL, thanks for the advice.

Here’s something for you to consider: Just because I’m turning down invites *from you* doesn’t mean I’m turning down all the invites. It also doesn’t mean that I’m not inviting other friends to do things. Do you get it? You’re the one I’m willing to see every now and then for a coffee.

I’m not the one who organizes the dinners. I get invited to them and I try to say yes when I can so I can stay connected to those friends. No need to make it about me. I’m not the OP and I don’t have friends who tell me no because I am basically my other friends are more the organizing types. But I see that the moms who say no all the time stop getting included because after a while everyone just expects them to say no.

And no I don’t place my friends in a hierarchy like you describe. That is weird.

I mean...great for you. Why do you assume that the moms who stop getting invited give a flip?

There are tons of posts on DCUM about being lonely, having no friends, asking how to make friends as adults...seems a lot of people DO want friends and WOULD care about not being invited out anymore. But to have a friend you need to be a friend. You can't ignore someone for two (three, four) years, then turn around and be like, "now I'm ready to be friends again!"

I think most people are probably looking for friends they are compatible with, not just anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They can't admit that if they come home at 10PM their toddler will be running around the living room on a sugar high with no clothes on and a full diaper while the husband has his feet up watching whatever game is on.

+1

[Anonymous]

I like to be at home with my feet up relaxing and enjoying the quiet by 8. I’ve never had friends who only enjoy going out to dinner and don’t want to socialize during daytime hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those of you turning down invitations to go out at night, consider that if you keep saying no people will stop inviting you. Consider whether you want to maintain the friendship. If you do, try to say yes sometimes. Also keep in mind that as your kids enter elementary they will start having activities that make getting together on weekends very difficult. If you want to see certain friends a Thursday night dinner may be your only option.

I can’t relate at all to people who don’t ever want to go out. This board seems to skew toward homebody/introvert types. I am not out partying every night but a couple times per month is a great way to stay connected with friends. And I have to laugh at the posters saying it’s not fair to their husband to leave them alone with a couple kids. What do you think single parents or military spouses do? Some parents make bedtime out to be some crazy complicated process that requires two people. It really doesn’t when it comes down to it. You are making it that way.

I’m turning down invites from you. I still see the people I really want to see and who are willing to be flexible. I will go out of my way for those people, not someone who pouts because I can’t go bar hopping at night.

[Anonymous]

I was probably one of those women. You're right that it was hard for my DH to put them to bed without me. You can try and unpack why it was -- perhaps my DH could have been more helpful -- but like many things, there were many factors involved -- nursing to sleep (initially) led to a mommy preference. And kids like routines, they don't like changes in the routine. Could we have made an effort to get them to like Daddy putting to bed too? Sure, but we're both tired at the end of the day and changing up the routine (when one routine worked well) was just not the priority list, just so I could go out a couple times a month.

Also I was just spent at the end of the workday, so a weekday dinner or drinks date really wasn't that appealing.

My kids are much older now so I don't have a dog in this fight. Now I leave whenever I feel like it. You should realize that the time that this is a problem is short, and as long as your friends are willing to get together other times, it's really not worth making a big deal out of it. Otherwise, you're just being smug that you have an easy home routine.

[Anonymous]

I mean... I'm not the target demographic you asked about because I'm a single parent so meeting up with friends in the evening would mean hiring a babysitter and on top of the expense of eating out, that's a lot for me. But also -- I'm a morning person in general, so I will honestly be much better company if we meet at a time which isn't evening. By 7 or 8PM on weekdays, I want to be winding down with a book if I don't have work to finish up. I used to go out for dinner with friends more before I had kids but that was in an era when wasn't up between 5:30 and 6AM every single morning.

Maintaining friendships is about compromise. I would love to go hiking at 8AM on weekends but a lot of them are night owls. We compromise on brunch/lunch/late afternoon walks, which are at comfortable times for all of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some friends are worth evening visits. Some aren’t. Some plans are worth, it, some aren’t. I am an introvert who prefers being home in the evenings and going to bed early. It has nothing to do with my husband’s parenting skills or me not being able to be away with my kids.

I have a very social group at work, and we have long lunches and one-drink-at-4 bar trips and that’s enough for me. But I will make plans with friends in the evenings on occasion. I go on girls trips sometimes. But I like early bedtimes, TBH.

"Worth" evening visits? Oh, yeeesh.

NP. But yes, for sure. I have some people that I would miss spending time with my kids, my husband, or sleeping for. Others that aren’t worth the effort. It could be a mix of things with OP’s friends. The only people that bother me are the ones who say they can’t leave their husbands with the children. That’s pathetic. But if you would rather go to bed early than go out for a drink, I get it.

[Anonymous]

I’m an introvert so I really do need that time in the evening to decompress and recharge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was probably one of those women. You're right that it was hard for my DH to put them to bed without me. You can try and unpack why it was -- perhaps my DH could have been more helpful -- but like many things, there were many factors involved -- nursing to sleep (initially) led to a mommy preference. And kids like routines, they don't like changes in the routine. Could we have made an effort to get them to like Daddy putting to bed too? Sure, but we're both tired at the end of the day and changing up the routine (when one routine worked well) was just not the priority list, just so I could go out a couple times a month.

Also I was just spent at the end of the workday, so a weekday dinner or drinks date really wasn't that appealing.

My kids are much older now so I don't have a dog in this fight. Now I leave whenever I feel like it. You should realize that the time that this is a problem is short, and as long as your friends are willing to get together other times, it's really not worth making a big deal out of it. Otherwise, you're just being smug that you have an easy home routine.

We put so much pressure on women; you’ve got to have the impressive job, have the well behaved kids, have the amazing marriage and sex life, have the big group of girlfriends you go out with. If you can’t do it all we say you aren’t prioritizing your needs and are failing. Maybe we could give women some grace so we can admit we are tired. It was a long day at work, the kids aren’t sleeping well, marriage has been challenging lately, maybe we are too drained from the day to meet up for dinner. All of this pressure to do womanhood “right’ in the modern era is so unfair to women and I think it is a good idea to practice some empathy.

[Anonymous]

Op, there's an expression: There's always time for the things you put first. You aren't it. No socializing is, for them. Would that be me? No. But it's them. Their behavior is telling you that their routines are of paramount importance. Yes hard to understand. To bad they just can't come clean about it which could lead to some work-arounds. But they don't have the bandwidth for that, now.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I also feel like it's not responsible of me to go "out to dinner" or to happy hours indoors when my under-12yos aren't vaccinated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was probably one of those women. You're right that it was hard for my DH to put them to bed without me. You can try and unpack why it was -- perhaps my DH could have been more helpful -- but like many things, there were many factors involved -- nursing to sleep (initially) led to a mommy preference. And kids like routines, they don't like changes in the routine. Could we have made an effort to get them to like Daddy putting to bed too? Sure, but we're both tired at the end of the day and changing up the routine (when one routine worked well) was just not the priority list, just so I could go out a couple times a month.

Also I was just spent at the end of the workday, so a weekday dinner or drinks date really wasn't that appealing.

My kids are much older now so I don't have a dog in this fight. Now I leave whenever I feel like it. You should realize that the time that this is a problem is short, and as long as your friends are willing to get together other times, it's really not worth making a big deal out of it. Otherwise, you're just being smug that you have an easy home routine.

We put so much pressure on women; you’ve got to have the impressive job, have the well behaved kids, have the amazing marriage and sex life, have the big group of girlfriends you go out with. If you can’t do it all we say you aren’t prioritizing your needs and are failing. Maybe we could give women some grace so we can admit we are tired. It was a long day at work, the kids aren’t sleeping well, marriage has been challenging lately, maybe we are too drained from the day to meet up for dinner. All of this pressure to do womanhood “right’ in the modern era is so unfair to women and I think it is a good idea to practice some empathy.

I can relate so much to this. “Make sure to breastfeed because it’s best for the baby but get a good pump so you can still go out with friends and not stay home like a martyr. But, no, don’t go out too much because then what kind of mother are you?! Probably an alcoholic. And shouldn’t you be spending more time with DH anyway, you know if you don’t have good sex he will probably cheat on you. Why did you marry him anyway, he’s not pulling his weight at home. But don’t get a divorce, you’re old and ugly now and no one would date someone with young kids. Why can’t you balance all of this, it’s easy for me’’ dcum is such a toxic place for women.

[Anonymous]

They don't like you and don't want to spend time with you. Tons of people use their kids as an excuse to get out of things.