How to help son with gf problems

[Anonymous]

My son is 15 and was dating his first girlfriend for a couple of months. The problem is that he is very romantic and intense about her and I think she sees him more as an accessory to her life (and please note: I don't say this to malign her, I actually think that is the healthier attitude of the two to have! I remember being the same way about boys at her age).

Basically what I see is that he wants a girlfriend who will also be more like a best friend: call every night before sleep, see each other in school, go out on weekends, join each other's larger friend groups, etc. He actually wants to be a devoted boyfriend to a girl his age, which kind of seems crazy based on my own prior experiences with boys that age, lol. But anyway. The girl he has been seeing has a lot of friends and friend drama, some complicated family dynamics, is very involved in a sport, and ranks him like 3rd or 4th in her life priorities. This results in a lot back-and-forth, hot-and-cold behavior that confuses and depresses him. Right now they are on a "break" because when they make plans to hang out in school, she often ditches him for her friends and their drama. When he brought this up to her, she said she doesn't know if she has the time to be the kind of girlfriend he wants. But she also doesn't just want to break up with him, which would at least release him from this limbo.

What can I do to help him? He won't talk to his male friends or his father about this. He's been really down, skipping practice, and even crying a little. Everything I say about there being other fish in the sea falls on deaf ears. As does the stuff I say about just backing off and accepting the level of involvement she is willing to offer.

How can I help him? What can I say? Anyone BTDT?

[Anonymous]

Your role is to listen to him, empathize, but not fix the relationship. This is how he learns what type of gf he wants, what kind of boyfriend he wants to be, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your role is to listen to him, empathize, but not fix the relationship. This is how he learns what type of gf he wants, what kind of boyfriend he wants to be, etc.

Is it normal for him to be so depressed about this? He has refused to go to practice ever since this started, about a week ago. He is barely studying. He seems like a different person, very sad. I don't understand why he is so intense and extreme about her. They've only known each other a few months, since January.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your role is to listen to him, empathize, but not fix the relationship. This is how he learns what type of gf he wants, what kind of boyfriend he wants to be, etc.

Is it normal for him to be so depressed about this? He has refused to go to practice ever since this started, about a week ago. He is barely studying. He seems like a different person, very sad. I don't understand why he is so intense and extreme about her. They've only known each other a few months, since January.

That first love can be very, very intense. Another thing you can do is ask questions to help him start thinking about whether the relationship is equal. If not, how does that feel, etc.

If it goes on for a long time, you might consider therapy for him, but a week is nothing, really. I'd try to make him go to practice. Help him not wallow.

[Anonymous]

OP here. The crazy thing, from my perspective, is that we were on vacation the week of President's Day. She called him every night that week. To the point where DH and I were looking at each other like, hmm this is more serious than we thought. Then she came over to hang out on Sunday. I could hear them laughing uproariously all day. Everything was fine.

Then they have a couple tiffs on Monday, Tuesday (when I guess she got busy with her friends) and suddenly everything goes to shit on Wednesday and now he is a depressed zombie person.

He won't listen to logic. He doesn't care that if she does come back, all of this is just going to happen again because they fundamentally have different ideas about what a relationship should look like.

[Anonymous]

I would give him this piece of advice. If he can step back a little, it will give her room to step forward. It can be hard to reciprocate in a relationship where one partner is doing everything; there’s no room for her to do her part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would give him this piece of advice. If he can step back a little, it will give her room to step forward. It can be hard to reciprocate in a relationship where one partner is doing everything; there’s no room for her to do her part.

This is good, I will mention this to him. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Stop talking to him about the relationship except to listen empathetically as much as you can stand to. No advice or perspective.

Focus on enforcing boundaries about everything else (skipping practice would have serious consequences in our house) and building him up about the other parts of his life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop talking to him about the relationship except to listen empathetically as much as you can stand to. No advice or perspective.

Focus on enforcing boundaries about everything else (skipping practice would have serious consequences in our house) and building him up about the other parts of his life.

How so? I don't want to punish him for having feelings, even big ones. When this first started, I was sitting with him trying to convince him to go and he was literally crying into his pasta. What was I supposed to do? Then yesterday he was lying on his bed refusing to move. He's literally taller and heavier than me now. I can't just pick him up and push him out the door anymore.

As far as listening goes. I tell him "I know this is hard, I've been there. Everyone goes through this. I know you feel disappointed. But it's going to be ok. This too will pass." Is there anything else I should be saying? I think he only tells me the actual details though to get advice on what he should do.

[Anonymous]

Of course there are plenty of exceptions to this rule, but speaking very generally, it seems like boys don’t fall in love as easily or as often as girls, but when they do fall in love, they fall hard. Your son’s gf has lots of friends to invest her emotions in, but being a boy, your ds keeps those things bottled up. You said he won’t talk to his dad or friends about this. When a guy finally lets his guard down and can have emotional intimacy with someone, it’s crushing to have that cut off. His girlfriend fulfilled a need that his male counterparts don’t.

I’m not sure that there’s anything you can do to help him through this other than keeping the lines of communication open because you’re the one person he feels comfortable talking to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop talking to him about the relationship except to listen empathetically as much as you can stand to. No advice or perspective.

Focus on enforcing boundaries about everything else (skipping practice would have serious consequences in our house) and building him up about the other parts of his life.

How so? I don't want to punish him for having feelings, even big ones. When this first started, I was sitting with him trying to convince him to go and he was literally crying into his pasta. What was I supposed to do? Then yesterday he was lying on his bed refusing to move. He's literally taller and heavier than me now. I can't just pick him up and push him out the door anymore.

As far as listening goes. I tell him "I know this is hard, I've been there. Everyone goes through this. I know you feel disappointed. But it's going to be ok. This too will pass." Is there anything else I should be saying? I think he only tells me the actual details though to get advice on what he should do.

I wouldn't add the bolded. That's not listening. It's telling him that what he feels doesn't matter because it will pass. It's diminishing his feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop talking to him about the relationship except to listen empathetically as much as you can stand to. No advice or perspective.

Focus on enforcing boundaries about everything else (skipping practice would have serious consequences in our house) and building him up about the other parts of his life.

How so? I don't want to punish him for having feelings, even big ones. When this first started, I was sitting with him trying to convince him to go and he was literally crying into his pasta. What was I supposed to do? Then yesterday he was lying on his bed refusing to move. He's literally taller and heavier than me now. I can't just pick him up and push him out the door anymore.

As far as listening goes. I tell him "I know this is hard, I've been there. Everyone goes through this. I know you feel disappointed. But it's going to be ok. This too will pass." Is there anything else I should be saying? I think he only tells me the actual details though to get advice on what he should do.

I wouldn't add the bolded. That's not listening. It's telling him that what he feels doesn't matter because it will pass. It's diminishing his feelings.

I think perspective is important- the first part validates his feelings a lot, so it’s a good mix of “this is hard and you will survive.” It’s exactly what I would do!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop talking to him about the relationship except to listen empathetically as much as you can stand to. No advice or perspective.

Focus on enforcing boundaries about everything else (skipping practice would have serious consequences in our house) and building him up about the other parts of his life.

How so? I don't want to punish him for having feelings, even big ones. When this first started, I was sitting with him trying to convince him to go and he was literally crying into his pasta. What was I supposed to do? Then yesterday he was lying on his bed refusing to move. He's literally taller and heavier than me now. I can't just pick him up and push him out the door anymore.

As far as listening goes. I tell him "I know this is hard, I've been there. Everyone goes through this. I know you feel disappointed. But it's going to be ok. This too will pass." Is there anything else I should be saying? I think he only tells me the actual details though to get advice on what he should do.

I wouldn't add the bolded. That's not listening. It's telling him that what he feels doesn't matter because it will pass. It's diminishing his feelings.

Well I wanted him to know that he won't always feel as bad as he does right now but I take your point. It's just really hard to sit with someone in this position and not know what to say. I've only ever done it before with girlfriends who got cheated on and then it was way easier because we could disparage the guy and rightfully call him a cheating POS who will inevitably die alone etc. etc. lol

[Anonymous]

OP, it's so hard to see our kids hurting. But as tough as it is, as other PPs have mentioned, he has to figure this out on his own. Listening to him, showing empathy, and the advice to give him stepping back to allow her to step up is really good. But just be careful that you aren't allowing him to wallow in it by constantly talking about it, your wanting to fix it, etc. Some tough love might be needed, like not permitting him to skip practice. If he joined a team, his responsibility is to go to practice. It's disrespectful to his teammates and coaches not to. And school work can't go ignored either.

I agree with you that the GF has the healthier attitude at this point in their lives, I remember my friends making their boyfriends priority 1 and ditching friends, scuttling their own activities and plans, to make their BF the center of their universe. I have a 16 yr old DD whom I'm currently trying to guide through this type of thing as well, making sure she keeps her goals and interests as her top priority.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel you. This describes my son and his current first girlfriend to a T except that my son is in college! So one positive to grab onto is that at least your son is gaining relationship experience earlier than mine has.

I keep waiting for the painful break up because it is so clear that my son is significantly more invested in the relationship than his girlfriend is. He, too, is deeply “in” the relationship, views her as his best friend, wants to spend lots of time with her, prioritizes her over all else, etc — versus she ranks him after her friends, activities, etc (which is so much healthier than my son’s attitude!), puts a lot of parameters on their time together so that she can balance her other priorities.

When I have tried to gently point out to my son that it is important he make time for things that are important to him besides her (I even note that she likes him because of his other interests!), he quickly becomes angry and defensive. So, this is a long winded way of saying I agree with the others to be a listener vs giving advice, and trust that he’ll learn natural consequences from the experience.

PS - Many posters have recently asked about teens/college students and lack of relationships, implying that boys tend not to want relationships and girls do. I have witnessed the opposite with my own son vs daughter and my friends’ sons- the boys seem to fall hard and fast and girls have a healthier attitude!