How to help son with gf problems

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your role is to listen to him, empathize, but not fix the relationship. This is how he learns what type of gf he wants, what kind of boyfriend he wants to be, etc.

Is it normal for him to be so depressed about this? He has refused to go to practice ever since this started, about a week ago. He is barely studying. He seems like a different person, very sad. I don't understand why he is so intense and extreme about her. They've only known each other a few months, since January.

This is exactly why we don’t encourage dating in high school.

This is precisely what I was going to say after reading this story. Most 14-17 year olds are not mentally or emotionally equipped to handle what comes with an exclusive, romantic relationship.

They can’t moderate nor maintain a realistic perspective and often throw waste their potential away by being “depressed” over a relationship that was never worth being depressed over to begin with, as OP’s son is doing.

OP, I know you said he doesn’t open up to DH, but I agree with the other poster who said he might have been so intense because he lacks emotional intimacy in general.

I would encourage him to open up to his father and make friends about this. The fact that he only feels comfortable opening up about his feelings to you and his gf means he needs to work on building emotionally secure relationships with men. Maybe then he won’t be so clingy and fatalistic over this one girl.

I said my son is in same exact position and he is in college - I actually have suspected one reason he is so unrealistic about the relationship is precisely because he never dated in high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your role is to listen to him, empathize, but not fix the relationship. This is how he learns what type of gf he wants, what kind of boyfriend he wants to be, etc.

Is it normal for him to be so depressed about this? He has refused to go to practice ever since this started, about a week ago. He is barely studying. He seems like a different person, very sad. I don't understand why he is so intense and extreme about her. They've only known each other a few months, since January.

This is exactly why we don’t encourage dating in high school.

This is precisely what I was going to say after reading this story. Most 14-17 year olds are not mentally or emotionally equipped to handle what comes with an exclusive, romantic relationship.

They can’t moderate nor maintain a realistic perspective and often throw waste their potential away by being “depressed” over a relationship that was never worth being depressed over to begin with, as OP’s son is doing.

OP, I know you said he doesn’t open up to DH, but I agree with the other poster who said he might have been so intense because he lacks emotional intimacy in general.

I would encourage him to open up to his father and make friends about this. The fact that he only feels comfortable opening up about his feelings to you and his gf means he needs to work on building emotionally secure relationships with men. Maybe then he won’t be so clingy and fatalistic over this one girl.

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Finally got it, huh? Burn

[Anonymous]

This happened to my DS in the fall. Lots of sad country music and long talks. I could totally see the writing on the wall - he was much more into her than she was him - but needed to be very cautious about sharing that. At some point all there was to do was tell him I was so sorry he was hurting, someday he would feel better, but the only way to get to that point is to move through the pain. He's better now, but really wants a girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

OP it feels like you’re doing so much handwringing about this! It’s ok to normalize his feelings but by all means try to calm down yourself. It feels a bit hysterical/histrionic to let this gf situation take over so many of his activities/other parts of his life

[Anonymous]

I actually don’t think you should do anything. I’m a romantic girl and dated several guys like this in high school and college. We parted amicably. I’ve kept up generally through the years seeing them at random weddings or parties, Facebook and they are all very happily married. They adore their wives. It really makes me feel good that all my exes were such great guys. I remember one brought me a rose every month we dated- Like 7 roses for 7 months.

I would just make sure their focus is still on school, they don’t drop all their friends and they still have hobbies of their own.

[Anonymous]

Just an idea to throw out there, this is definitely a dicey situation. Maybe ground him for whatever, so that he can't see her take his phone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your role is to listen to him, empathize, but not fix the relationship. This is how he learns what type of gf he wants, what kind of boyfriend he wants to be, etc.

Is it normal for him to be so depressed about this? He has refused to go to practice ever since this started, about a week ago. He is barely studying. He seems like a different person, very sad. I don't understand why he is so intense and extreme about her. They've only known each other a few months, since January.

This is exactly why we don’t encourage dating in high school.

This is precisely what I was going to say after reading this story. Most 14-17 year olds are not mentally or emotionally equipped to handle what comes with an exclusive, romantic relationship.

They can’t moderate nor maintain a realistic perspective and often throw waste their potential away by being “depressed” over a relationship that was never worth being depressed over to begin with, as OP’s son is doing.

OP, I know you said he doesn’t open up to DH, but I agree with the other poster who said he might have been so intense because he lacks emotional intimacy in general.

I would encourage him to open up to his father and make friends about this. The fact that he only feels comfortable opening up about his feelings to you and his gf means he needs to work on building emotionally secure relationships with men. Maybe then he won’t be so clingy and fatalistic over this one girl.

I failed my second semester at college because I was definitely played and thought we were in love. I had zero dating in high school and was just dumb and thought this was my first love. I couldn’t eat, go to class, my roommate was so concerned she contacted my parents. Pretty humiliating. I would have rather had that in high school with my parents and forever friends support.

So I don’t think an 18yr old is any better with dealing with this than a 15/16 yr old unless… they had experience.

First loves or first attachments are just tough in general.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your role is to listen to him, empathize, but not fix the relationship. This is how he learns what type of gf he wants, what kind of boyfriend he wants to be, etc.

Is it normal for him to be so depressed about this? He has refused to go to practice ever since this started, about a week ago. He is barely studying. He seems like a different person, very sad. I don't understand why he is so intense and extreme about her. They've only known each other a few months, since January.

This is exactly why we don’t encourage dating in high school.

So you want them to experience this for the first time when they're away from you in an unfamiliar and unmonitored environment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your role is to listen to him, empathize, but not fix the relationship. This is how he learns what type of gf he wants, what kind of boyfriend he wants to be, etc.

Is it normal for him to be so depressed about this? He has refused to go to practice ever since this started, about a week ago. He is barely studying. He seems like a different person, very sad. I don't understand why he is so intense and extreme about her. They've only known each other a few months, since January.

This is exactly why we don’t encourage dating in high school.

So you want them to experience this for the first time when they're away from you in an unfamiliar and unmonitored environment?

They aren't sending their kids away, see.
Or they have the Life360 mommy tether on them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your role is to listen to him, empathize, but not fix the relationship. This is how he learns what type of gf he wants, what kind of boyfriend he wants to be, etc.

Is it normal for him to be so depressed about this? He has refused to go to practice ever since this started, about a week ago. He is barely studying. He seems like a different person, very sad. I don't understand why he is so intense and extreme about her. They've only known each other a few months, since January.

This is exactly why we don’t encourage dating in high school.

This is precisely what I was going to say after reading this story. Most 14-17 year olds are not mentally or emotionally equipped to handle what comes with an exclusive, romantic relationship.

They can’t moderate nor maintain a realistic perspective and often throw waste their potential away by being “depressed” over a relationship that was never worth being depressed over to begin with, as OP’s son is doing.

OP, I know you said he doesn’t open up to DH, but I agree with the other poster who said he might have been so intense because he lacks emotional intimacy in general.

I would encourage him to open up to his father and make friends about this. The fact that he only feels comfortable opening up about his feelings to you and his gf means he needs to work on building emotionally secure relationships with men. Maybe then he won’t be so clingy and fatalistic over this one girl.

I failed my second semester at college because I was definitely played and thought we were in love. I had zero dating in high school and was just dumb and thought this was my first love. I couldn’t eat, go to class, my roommate was so concerned she contacted my parents. Pretty humiliating. I would have rather had that in high school with my parents and forever friends support.

So I don’t think an 18yr old is any better with dealing with this than a 15/16 yr old unless… they had experience.

First loves or first attachments are just tough in general.

I don't know about you, but there was a big dfiference in my emotional and mental maturity as an 18 year old vs. a 15 year old.

I too held off on dating until college and I'm more than happy with that choice as I was much better equipped to ride that rollercoaster as a young adult (18-20) versus as a teen (14-17).

[Anonymous]

He needs to breakup with her and learn not to smother girls.

[Anonymous]

I would try to ask more questions than give advice.

- if a friend was going through this, what would you tell him?
- Do you think it's very respectful to keep pulling away?
- Do you think it is possible for someone to be in a relationship for reasons other than love?

[Anonymous]

This is very typical for first loves OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would try to ask more questions than give advice.

- if a friend was going through this, what would you tell him?
- Do you think it's very respectful to keep pulling away?
- Do you think it is possible for someone to be in a relationship for reasons other than love?

This is my post, I would add:
- why do you want to be with someone who keeps rejecting you? or doesn't want what you are offering?

I used to be a HS teacher. One student I was close to would talk to me about her dating woe's. She also had a push-pull, on-off relationship. I told her to stop focusing on the fact that he kept coming back to her and focus on the fact that he kept going away.

And as a side note, I was always the girl who dated the guy after his previous girlfriend treated him like this. It sucked!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is very typical for first loves OP

+1

First love is a tough one to get over sometimes. It hasn't been that long. Just keep encouraging him to maintain his self worth over his feelings for his girlfriend. Kinda watch on the sidelines to make sure it stays healthy