Drug addict son wants to move back in
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Anonymous
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My 25 year old oxycodone addicted son wants to move back in. He has dabbled in heroin (won’t admit it).
I know because he couch surfed for a while and ended up staying at a neighbor shortly. I have a 17y/o in HS. Should I let him stay and for how long. My 25y/o has been doing God knows what since age 19. Drugs started at 16/17. He tells me the last time we spoke that he considers his life to be over and no point going back to school or get a job. He’s waiting to just ”kick the bucket since he’s basically almost 30 which means his life is over”. Direct quote from him. Should I just let him do what he wants and move in? Please spare me the judging we’ve tried everything. |
Anonymous
| Do not let him move in. |
Anonymous
| For your sake and that of your other child, do not let him move in. I’d let him know if he ever wants help getting sober, you’ll help in any way you can but he cannot live with you unless he has a long time of sobriety under his belt. |
Anonymous
| Absolutely not. |
Anonymous
| Are you in Al-Anon, OP? You need advice from people who have been in this position. There are pros and cons to both decisions. Your typical DCUM poster does not have experience with drug addiction and does not understand how complicated this is. |
Anonymous
| No, especially with your 17yo there. |
Anonymous
If you turn him away, be prepared to bury him. Are you resdy to always wonder "if?". He's high suicidal risk. Don't be taken advantage of, but get him in rehab. Even as an out patient and as a firm condition of his coming home. |
Anonymous
| Is he interested in rehab? May be a chance to get him to try it. Can you afford to pay his rent (not to him but directly to the landlord)? If so, this would be my choice. Put a time limit on it. |
Anonymous
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Can you get him into a program? Then his staying with you can be conditional upon completion of the program, and whatever next steps the program leadership outline for him—and for you—toward the end of the program.
I’m really sorry, OP. Addiction is such a powerful, destructive force. I wish you and your son had an easier path. |
Anonymous
| I do t think I would unless I’m recovery for a while (to include regular drug testing by dr) and maybe not even then u til 17 year old off to college (but there are no easy answers. As you know.) I am terribly sorry you are going through this. |
Anonymous
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I would not. Once you agree you can’t change your mind and put him out without formally evicting him (unless he goes willingly). The havoc he will cause to your life might be unsustainable and you’d be stuck. And you don’t want it around your HSer.
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Anonymous
| OP said she has tried everything so I assume that includes rehab. |
Anonymous
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You need to put up boundaries of unless you complete a residential treatment, IOP, OP and are in continued care and at least 6 months sober, you are not welcome.
By even considering him coming home without that is him winning the battle of manipulation. You need to be prepared and accept that someday you might get that phone call you dread and you have to be ok with that. until he know he is not welcome and you will not help unless he he has taken those steps, he is not welcome to be part of the family in any shape or form, no holidays no financial help, no vacations no weddings etc. Yes, I am a parent of a child in recovery, until we took those steps and enforced our boundaries, it was the same old routine. |
Anonymous
This is mostly good advice but no, she doesn't have to be "ok" with getting that phone call. She is a human being and she has human emotions of her own. She can be scared as hell of it, hate the idea of it, violently opposed to it and still she can execute on not letting this adult come back and live in her home. |
Anonymous
Being scared of the call and accepting that he is killing himself are two different things. He is killing himself, as a parent who has a child in recovery, you have to know that at anytime this call can happen and you also have to be able to say, I did everything I could to help. Everything you can do to help does not include living without boundaries. It doesn't mean throwing countless dollars at the problem, it means setting the boundaries that force them to make the right choice. Sometimes they don't. That is something you learn along this journey. What you are proposing is not going to get him into a recovery program. It's going to let him know that he always has her ear, always has a chance she will allow him back in because you don't want that phone call. He will only get well if he wants to get well, right now, he doesn't seem to want to get well. OP -it's not easy but that boundary is the only one that got our kids attention and after 3 other failed attempts at recovery (residential, IOP, PHP) they are doing well today. We often speak and go to events on this issue, the people in recovery will tell you, until they had no other options, they were going to use. Once they realized they lost everything they got the help they needed. Some never do sadly. Talk to friends and family about this, you will be surprised how many of us think we need to go on this journey alone. It's the hardest thing you will ever do unless he doesn't get the help he needs. |